I’ve never blogged here before, but maybe I should. I feel like I have to talk a lot about d/s dynamics to be understood properly.
I had a period in my life when I felt trapped and unappreciated in a vanilla relationship, and I came on here and deceived her to try to feel ok. And to feel like myself. In that same time I went a little wild having a lot of subs at once. It wasn’t a good time in my life, but I did learn a lot from it.
I learned that I can’t feel ok long term if I’m lying about who I am and what I want. I learned how painful heartbreak is both as the one causing it and the one having my heart broken. I learned that the intensity, intimacy, and mutual understanding of a d/s dynamic is a need, not a want, for me.
Today I don’t currently have a sub, but I’m trying to be completely transparent about what I want. I’m trying not to overwhelm a sub when I have one. I’m focusing on my own mental health (pretty standard and manageable depression/anxiety issues) and encouraging anyone I talk to to do the same.
I’m continuing to give zero fucks about gossips and judgmental people. I’m still unconcerned with fitting anyone’s idea of what a dom or a daddy dom is supposed to be. Still not a threat to anyone. Still not desperate or obsessive enough to chase or harass anyone who doesn’t want me. Still willing to have a short, uncomfortable conversation rather than rudely blocking someone. I am me. Complicated and multi-dimensional like everyone else. Intimidating, safe, loving, intense, relaxed, patient. Romantic and optimistic in spite of myself. To keep coming back here in spite of all I’ve been through is an act of radical optimism. Maybe one day I’ll have something to show for it.