Tongue tied

So, a very very long time ago I wrote a post about being a switch. What it meant to me at that point in my journey. Reaching out to other switches to get their perspective on things. I am revisiting this topic. I have grown a lot in the time between that blog and now. Like A LOT. I am just now scratching the surface of the complexity of being a switch. I want to first shout out to Nrs. Lady you have taken a spotlight to many of the questions I have about who I am. Your unabashed acceptance of every facet of being a switch has given me courage at moments. Thank you for that... for your bravery... for just being you.

So... where to start... Okay... A bit of a peek into my journey. I have met the destroyer of walls, the fire starter. What I have tried for 30 years to get back, they, YOU, were able to get me to in a short time. You and the kindest, gentlest, most patient couple ever somehow destroyed my walls. Got me to a place where I laugh like a child again.

I started on this journey saying "She (the side I kept locked up) doesn't bow for anyone." I was Domme. As I quickly learned, that was only one side of me. I was introduced to the title Switch. See, I have this other side too. This side that is so submissive it will crawl on the floor, face down on stomach to please a Dom. That side has been terribly abused though. So, I locked that away. Let the defender protect that side.

I luckily have good friends. And, at the beginning of my journey a friend challenged me to go full on submissive. That I would never understand the depths of both sides if I didn't fully step into them. So, I stepped out as a submissive. My first attempt fell flat. But, I learned. I then got into relationships with 2 different switches over time. I was able to explore the flow between the two dynamics. I cannot thank them enough for the gift that has been. This is also how I found out I was poly as well. Which gave me the space to learn, and put into practice what I gleaned from my relationships. Some of my connections were submissive in nature. Others were Dominant.

I learned I felt comfortable in both places. I also learned that Switch is the closest thing I have to describe what I am. A better description is Energy Player. What happens between me and another may look like dynamic from the outside, but is very very far from it. Fast forward to now. My two sides are converging in real life. It has been an abrupt collision.

I think it all started to mesh the other day at the kink shop. A couple weeks prior both sides finally came out to play in real life in a series of events. Things were left a bit up in the air as to how they could coexist. I walked into the kink shop to buy some thigh cuffs. A clearly submissive piece of gear. To me they are made to immobilize... to relent. This leads to my thoughts on submission.

Webster's defines submission as:

1. To yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender

2. To defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another

I was talking with a friend and this came out of me

"Here is the thing, I relent because I can.

It's far more powerful.

Not cause they won me over...

(submission) is relenting when you don't have to.

It's kneeling when all you want to do is stand.

I kneel cause I'm strong.

Strong enough to handle the weight of that responsibility.

And I ache to give my strength to that person."

So, not only do I think thigh cuffs are fucking hot (cause they are). They embody so much more for me. They make me vulnerable. They make me rely on someone, something, else when I'm being stubbornly independent. They represent the gentle, healing side of myself.   The side most others don't get to see.

Back to the kink shop... While getting my thigh cuffs I also looked at all kinds of toys. Paddles, floggers, spreader bars, latex, leather... canes. Almost as I was out the door a cane caught my eye.

A cane is a purely Dominant tool. This one lured me in. It's small. 12" to be exact. impossibly thin. As thin as a cell phone charger cord. It's innocuous at first glance. But, take it in your hand and you quickly get the gravity of this tool. It is stiff, but has a bit of give. I can gently tap skin, feeling like a nice massage. Or I can load the end, and let it go leaving a nasty welt on anothers skin. The end can tickle and cause laughter if lightly dragged across skin. But, if wielded in a corrective motion it can poke a pressure point, and bring giants to their knees. This tool is the physical personification of my Dominant side.

I walked out of the shop without the cane that day. But, the idea of it haunted me. So much so, I went back and bought it 3 days later. I had allowed my Dominant side to come back. Not only come back, but given it a tool to exert it's will on the world with. A nod to my acceptance of it's existence.

As I sat with the constraint of the cuffs on my thighs, and the cane in my hand, energies converged. And a beautiful symbolism came to mind. I saw exactly how I would wield my cane when not used. I would clip it to one of the rings on my cuffs. A powerful juxtaposition. Hanging power from a sign of submission. tied together. both sides accessible at a moments notice. Allowing flow to happen naturally between the two. How I've always wanted it to be.

So, I now sit at this crossroads of my journey. Where the world that has been trapped inside me for decades, has now physically manifested itself. I have finally gotten myself to the point where I can begin to truly walk out being who I am. So I stand at a scary precipice. I stand with humility, fear, reverence, and curiosity at my next step. This photo is the image form of my evolution. As my name states, the "Theory" is ever-changing. Shall we see where this leads?

Always work to be more yourself today than you were yesterday. Never compromise that. #evolveordie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=nW9Cu6GYqxo

I Can't Make You Love Me
Song by Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I come to. The warmth of your body next to me in bed. Buried under a pile of comforter. Sunlight spills through the lovely giant windows in the room. Beautiful blue sky. I Roll over, and put my hand on your face. You smile back at me. Look at me with those beautiful green eyes. “Good morning love…” You reach up and put your hand on my neck and pull me into to your kiss. At the same time I feel your hardness against my leg. Run my hands down your stomach. Feel the muscles move. Another long kiss. Tongues mingle. You look at me again and say “hold that thought.”

You leap out of bed. I hear you head down the stairs. I can hear the energy in your gait. I hear you closing cupboard doors. Then the smell of coffee in the air. A few moments later I hear you bound up the stairs. A mug of coffee for you. A sealed cup of iced coffee for me. Just the way I like it. You pull back the comforter, and sit and watch as the goosebumps form on my legs. You sit at my feet, and gently begin to rub my legs as you take a sip of coffee. We lock eyes and begin my favorite ritual.

Your fingers dance up and down my legs as we drink almost in perfect synchronicity. You ignore personal space and lean over me and place your cup on the night stand by the bed. You put your hand on my stomach and kiss me deeply. You can hear me breathe shallowly as you pull back. You laugh, and tell me “drink your coffee silly girl.”

You then begin to kiss my neck. “Don’t stop drinking…” You run your fingers up and down my body, and bite and kiss and lick. You feel me tense and relax as you touch me. You work your way down my chest and begin to tease my nipples with your tongue. Still staring at me with those maddening green eyes. You slowly suck in one of my nipples and gently bite. I grab your head and hold you still. “Fuck!”

You laugh… that wonderful laugh. That half crazy, half feels like sunshine laugh. You tease my nipples as I begin to breathe heavier. My body begins to roll into you. You kiss between my breasts and begin to trail your way down my body. working your tongue over my skin sends shivers through my body. “Keep drinking…”

You lower your self, and grab my hips. You bury your tongue in my hip and watch me writhe. “Not yet…” “But… I’ve been such a good girl…” You grin… “You have. and I’m going to take some extra time for that very reason.”

You slide a pillow under me to make my, now wet, slit available. You kiss and tongue both my thighs before putting both legs over your shoulder. You lock eyes with me. “Enjoy your coffee love.” You then slowly wrap your mouth around my mound. You continue to stare at me as you first tease, then gently suck my clit in your mouth.

I take a drink of my coffee while still gazing into your eyes. The sweet, smooth liquid floods my senses. It is accompanied by a body rush as you flick your tongue against my clit. I almost close my eyes, it’s too much. The rule is though, I have to maintain eye contact.

Those beautiful green eyes. I could get lost in them. But, their intensity is almost more than I can bare. You begin to hum as I take another drink. I feel you slide a finger inside me. You begin to move in and out, and suck harder on my clit. I let out a moan as my hips push toward you.

You slide another finger in me. You speed up your motion other your fingers while teasing my g spot. I reach out and grab your hair. I hold you still as I take another drink. You begin to flick my clit with your tongue wildly. You slide a third finger in me and begin a twisting motion.

I buck, and practically smother you trying to get more of your mouth on me. I growl. “Please, please, please!!” “Mmmmhmmmm...” you reach up and pinch my nipple, and roll it in your fingers. The mixture of pleasure and pain sends me over the edge. “Fuuuuuuuuuuck!” You feel me tighten around you as my hips rise up off the pillow.

You remove your fingers and dive your tongue in me keeping the orgasm going. You grab my hips as I twitch. “Shit!” You begin to hum again as your tongue flicks my g spot. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” You growl. It shakes the very air in the room. I practically pull your hair out from the orgasms.

You finally come up for air. You gently kiss your way up my stomach. Each one makes me shudder. You stop and suck a nipple in your mouth. I take another drink of coffee. You kiss my neck. Then, you are face to face with me. I gently put my hand on your face as you kiss me deeply. We separate, and the grin comes across your face. I say “thank you for my coffee sir.”

This is how I have my morning coffee...

So, some of you here know a bit about me. I know I don't talk about my relationship dynamics much. Part of the reason I don't talk about them, is they are very unorthodox. So, I will give you a peek into my world, to give some context to later part of this post.

A bit of backstory... Not really experienced with dating relationships. Grew up in the church. That created A LOT of confusion and fear with relationships. So, A year and a half ago I was finally so miserable that I decided things needed to change. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Thought that my sexuality was shameful, or so I was programmed to believe. 

A year ago, I began to make peace with my sexuality. And, embraced the fact that I was kinky... Whatever that means. Fast forward to now. I am polyamorous. I am in relationships of various degrees. I have a main or "primary" relationship. That is with someone long distance. My primary has been so supportive in my journey. I am partially as bold as I am, because he has my back. He knows the abuse I've walked out of, and just wants me to finally be happy. He fights for my happiness sometimes when I personally don't have the strength too. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders. 

There are also 6 other people in my life that are at different levels of connection. I love them all dearly. Would give anything for them. They all know that. They have made my life so rich. In comparison I'm a very, very, far stretch from where I was a year and a half ago. 

So, I went from zero to 7 relationships in a matter of a year and a half. That brings us to today...Valentines Day. I have never really had a Valentine up to this point. Never really worried about it either. This year I had no expectations. My relationships are so open, there is no hint of traditional to them. I was sort of shocked when my primary, who lives in another country, sent me a text saying Happy Valentine's Day. A pleasant surprise. It put a giant smile on my face. The next morning I woke up to a "Happy Valentine's" from another one of my sweet connections, and others throughout the day. Any normal person would be over the moon to have a Valentine. Let alone multiples.

This all jarred me into a headspace of questioning. Questioning if I'm being cruel to these people I love so much. And, wondering if I deserve all these wonderful people in my life. Leading to the title of this post. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of aloneness. It took me a good part of my day to put words to it. These were the words that came to me...

Sometimes when you belong to everybody it feels like you belong to nobody... 

I think this all stems from the openness that I have in my connection with all these lovely souls. We are deeply connected, but it's never exclusive. In that, I create the paradigm of belonging to all and no one at the same time.

I guess them reaching out and saying Happy Valentine's Day made me acutely aware of that fact... Could they really care about me like that?... Who am I to even ask that question? To question what they continually reassure me of daily. As confident as I come across most of the time, I have these moments. Moments where I evaluate, ruthlessly, how I conduct myself in relationship. 

The point I came to later in the day was one of thankfulness. Thankful for these trusting souls. So beautifully brilliant, that each are like staring at the sun. They somehow trust me with their hearts. And, I am humbled by the experience every time. So, Valentine's Day became sort of a second Thanksgiving for me of sorts. 

These are some of the thoughts and questions I slog through on a daily basis. It's a painfully beautiful journey. This has been my experience my first polyamorous Valentine's Day. Bittersweet emotion, connection, introspection. I want to thank each of the special people in my life that has held space for me to experiment, fail, grow, and love. Happy Valentine's Day.

I am not normally political on here. But, today I am compelled to say something. I think this goes way beyond politics, to a core truth. What sparked this post was an article I read about the Pope’s visit to Myanmar. If you are not aware, there is an ethnic cleansing being spoken of in their country. The Rohingya are a group of people without a home. Horrible things are being spoken of being done to them. This is all in the name of religion. Now, I could go on a rant about religious abuse. But, I won’t.

My focus here is the human condition. We are all human. Beautiful. Wonderful. Humans. In my profile the first quote I have is one from Ghandi on how we should treat our fellow humans. This is first for a reason. Everywhere we turn we are taught that humanity is less than. That it’s okay to treat people as objects, and use them. To abuse them in the name of whatever angle people are playing at the time. That our humanity is horrible and shameful. My journey has been one of finding my humanity again. To make space for others to do the same.

Today, the Pope again displayed the churches distain for humanity. That again and again people will step on the neck of humanity in order to get what they want. To protect the angle they are playing. To control.

Friends, our community is no different then the rest of the world. There are people here that use, objectify, abuse, hunt, harass, and harm others in our community. I am a firm believer that we teach others how to treat us. Step back. Observe our community. What are we telling others about how we want to be treated? Individually, and as a collective? I want the humanity in this place to shine so brightly and beautifully, that anyone trying to attack that would be blinded by it’s brilliance. Be undone by it’s compassion. Be changed by it’s mercy.

My challenge I pose to myself today is, will I let the hate invade the place of peace we have all created here today? Or will I choose to raise the standard of how I carry myself? Today my heart hurts… It hurts for the achingly beautiful humans I see, and interact with everyday. Today was a day that could have directly affected over a half a million people in a positive way. A day they could have finally been acknowledged. That abusers everywhere could have been told “No More!” instead these people were once again told that they didn’t matter. By a man of faith, and by a Pulitzer PEACE prize winner.

I want to say this today. To counter the disrespect put out into the universe today. I care deeply about all you beautiful humans. All your rough edges, quirks, peccadillos, “flaws.” You are seen. You are heard. You are cared for.

“People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” -Ghandi

Thank you to all the people here that have been a part of my journey. I would be nowhere near where I am today without your encouragement and love. Thank you for being a safe place to be and learn. ?? Nameste

^{I need to feel your breath on my ear}

^{Your skin on my skin}

^{To look into eyes that recognize me}

^{To feel hands, arms, legs wrapped around me}

^{To feel fingers dive into flesh}

^{The rise and fall of breathing}

^{To feel pain}

^{To ache}

^{Hand on my throat}

^{You say you love me}

^{Let your fingers tell me}

^{Take away any doubt I have in your reality}

^{I can’t hear you}

Touch me

Lying in bed... You know that time of morning where you're all warm and happy. And, you still have time before you start your day. That's when I woke up. I have this weird ability to wake up before something is about to happen. So I just lay there waiting. Then I hear you move. You edge closer to me. I can't see you, because I'm on my stomach. I feel one of your large hands touch my waist then move to my ass. You grab my ass. As you do, your thumb works into my slit and massages both openings. My whole body contracts. It's a reflex. You recognize it as an indicator of receptiveness. My body an accomplice for the other side. I hear you breathe "Yes" In my ear. I reach over and find you. I begin to stroke you.

You are now hovering over me. A bear of a man. Sometimes, in that moment when you first look over me. I wonder if the sadist in you asks "should I just crush her?" I've seen that smile after you ask yourself that question.

I feel your breath move down my neck. You, you are looking for a place to sink your teeth in. I sometimes forget how primal we are. You find your spot right at the base of my neck. Where it meets my shoulder. I feel the edge of your teeth dig into my skin. You gradually apply more pressure, and a wave of pain flows through me. I begin to howl in pain. I feel your thumb enter me, and the rest of your hand cups my clit. You lift the bottom half of me up onto my knees. Always tempering pain with pleasure. You begin to work your thumb in and out as you rub my clit. Now I'm moaning. Damn, the places you take me to are blinding. This cocktail you mix, it makes me do crazy things.

Your teeth finally let go of my shoulder. I know too well though that you only do this to find a better hold. I can feel those emerald eyes following the lines of my body. Taking an account. I feel your beard move toward the middle of my back. You stop at that spot by my shoulder blade. Pause. I feel you gently put your mouth over it. Then I feel your warm tongue probe for the knot that's there. You are a smart bear. You know that knot is an indicator of how much honey you receive. To you, I am your hive.

You breathe a heavy breath, and slowly bite at it. Again I feel you move inside me. I think you are trying to pull the knot out through my skin. I burry my face in the pillow, and grip the bed. In an instant you let go. My body relaxes. And that knot all but dissolves.

I feel you kiss and lick your way down my spine. Your free hand grabs my hip. Your fingers sink into my flesh. Letting me know I can't run from you. Your tongue gets to my ass. You can't help but to dig your teeth in here. Then you move to the space between. Burying your face. I again feel your warm tongue probe. You begin to make circles with it. You slowly slide your tongue in my ass as you move your thumb in and out. It's like electricity shoots through my veins. The hand on my hip, fingers dig in. Holding me still.

You are a greedy bear... but a patient one. You want every last drop of honey from the hive. Your tongue goes back to licking in circles. You move your hand from my hip. I feel your other thumb enter me. It begins to move counter to the first one. Instinctively I move into you. I begin to realize you are headed toward something. Warming me up.

With a gentle kiss on my back, and a bite, you remove your thumbs from inside me. You lift my head up, look at me with those green eyes. I wrap my hands around your tree-like forearms. You kiss me. Place my head back on the pillow. And tell me not to move.

I hear you rifle through clothes. I catch a glimpse of you out of the corner of my eye. You may be big, but you are definitely muscle. I love the lines of your body. That beautiful crook your ass and legs make when you bend over. Like a perfect question mark. Your back is like heaven. And those forearms and hands. Just begging to be around my neck.

Some more noise and you come back to bed. You take my hands above my head. You produce a belt and tie them together, and to the bedpost. Your hand slides down my body. You tease my ass some more. In goes a finger. Then I hear you huff "breathe" as you slide another in. You work them spreading them a bit more each time. You pause. Then I feel cold metal. You whisper "be good, and take the hook. I'll make it worth your time." You feel me relax. Deep breath as you work the hook in. You tie it to my ponytail. You begin a low growl.

You are behind me. Admiring your work. Your hands on my ass, I feel every movement. The hook continues to set further and further in. I feel your beard between my legs. You have found your hive. Dripping with honey.

You begin to lick. Your tongue is like velvet. It gently swirls around as your tongue goes deeper. The hook makes everything more intense. It feels like there are a dozen of you in there. You find your spot. Every time you touch it my body shivers. You do not relent.

Every. Last. Drop. The orgasims shoot through me. I scream out uncontrollably. My legs are shaking, so you put your hands under me and hold me up. I don't know where you learned what you're doing to me, but it feels like a head rush over my whole body. I'm trying not to writhe with the hook in. Damn you're amazing. My fuck bear.

Finally, you come out from behind me. Breathing heavy. You untie the hook, and I slump onto the pillow. You release my hands and pull me up to you. You put one hand on my throat, and grab a fist full of hair. You look through me with those green eyes, then kiss me. I ask "can we do that every morning?" You smile and say "sure, I love honey."

After a long day at work I changed out of my clothes into something more comfortable. I was finally in my tights and tank top. I was in my happy place. Chopping, pealing, cooking. I was so engrossed in what I was doing I didn't hear him come in. I was snapped out of where I was when he snuck up behind me, gently pulled my ponytail, smacked my ass, and then kissed my neck.

I tried to act like I was composed, still focused on cooking. I let out a "hello" without moving from what I was doing. Still behind me, I heard him snicker, as he sized me up. I felt him place his left hand on my waist, and he pulled himself into me. He grabbed my earlobe between his teeth and tugged. Bastard, he knew that drove me crazy.

My body is humming by this point. It's everything I can do to stay focused. I want to close my eyes and get lost in him, but I can't give him that. Not after playing tough. So I find a spot on the wall in front of me, and focus on that. Still behind me, he leans in again, and ever so softly in my ear I hear a "hummmm..."

All of a sudden I feel the hand that was on my waist start to move across my stomach. He takes his foot on the inside of mine and moves my legs apart. His hand then moves from my stomach to between my legs. I can see him smiling out of the corner of my eye. His finger finds my clit through my tights. He begins to lightly tap my clit with is finger. One. Two. Three taps. With each tap I lose more focus. A bite on my neck. I close my eyes and lower my head. The wave of adrenaline hits me. I hear him laughingly say "don't stop. Keep cooking."

He walks out and changes into shorts and a t-shirt. He comes back to the kitchen; Pours a couple glasses of wine, sets one on the counter next to me, and resumes his place behind me. After I had just gotten myself collected. He puts his hand under my top. I shutter at first cause his hand is cold. "Sorry" he whispers in my ear. Then I feel him graze, then tug on my nipple. Not this time. I will not lose focus.

I take a drink if the wine. Then I feel his other hand work it's way into my tights. He slips a finger in between my lips, and begins to massage my clit. Trying to act like nothing is going on. In my calmest voice I say " so how was your day?" In sync with massaging my clit, he squeezes my nipple, and with a smirk on his face says in my ear " it was okay. How IS yours?" I stir the food some more. "just okay." I say trying not to laugh. He then slides a finger inside me, and says in my ear "oh, just okay?" I somehow get out a very cold "yep."

I then hear him kneel down behind me. He grabs my tights and works them down to the floor. He bites one ass cheek. Then the other. "Mmmmmm... that's too bad." As he spreads my ass apart and begins to work his tongue back and fourth across my asshole. He comes up for air, and asks "why just okay?" He goes back to licking, and I say in my calmest voice, " it's just the same old same old..." He slides a finger in me, and I close my eyes and drop my head again. Damnit! I hear him snicker.

As he works his fingers in and out of me I let out a low pitched growl. I mutter "fuck you" under my breath. He starts to move in and out faster while flicking his fingers. He says "I'm sorry. I didn't hear that?" The intensity builds. My back arches. And, just before I get there, he slows down. He says, "what was that?" I yell out "FUCK YOU!"

He stands up and with his free hand pulls his dick out, and trades his fingers for his cock in my pussy. My head down while I grab onto the stove, he puts his hands on my shoulders, pulls me toward him, and begins to make long deep thrusts. His mouth next to my ear, he says "darling that's what I'm trying to do."

Rhythmically, like a metronome he connects with my body. Our breathing syncs. "Don't cum till I say so." I begin to lightly moan. I still think I have the composure to stop when I want. My body tells the truth. I'm so close all he has to do is touch another part of my body. He bites my earlobe again. I scream out " Pleeeeease!!!" "No." "Pleeeeease !! Pleeeeeease!!" "I thought you wanted me to fuck you?" I blurt out "Yes!" "Well then I'm going to take my time. Wow, you're so tight." "Aaahhhh! Please!!!"

He reaches up and grabs my ponytail. And with one good thrust he says "go ahead." I buck and shake as wave after wave runs through me. Eventually he pulls out. A huddled form holding onto the stove. He leans down and kisses me. He sticks a finger in the sauce I was making and has a taste. "Hummm... Your best yet. Don't be too long love. Dinner's getting cold."

So I was talking with a friend who has been in the BDSM community way longer than I have. I had a situation happen with personal info on a far less benign site. It had me wanting to run for the hills. My friends response was "if this level of shadiness makes you want to run then you won't be able to handle BDSM." I asked what meet ups were for then? They are supposed to be part of the vetting process. To remove the sketchiness from the situation. A face, a name. 

My my friend comes from a submissive bordering on slave point of view. Asked about my view on power dynamics in a switch relationship. I stated that I don't go as far as degradation on either end of the spectrum. I look for balance in a relationship play or personal. My friend said that it would be hard for me to find someone in the community if I'm not willing to go as far as degradation either in acting dominant or submissive. That if I'm not willing to do that, people will go find someone who will. That that is what people are looking for.

I'm new to all this. I'm just trying to get an idea of what I should expect. I use switch, because it's the closest thing I associate to at this point. I honestly hate labels, and just want to be me. Someone who takes control sometimes. And, sometimes I want someone to take control. Not looking to be master or slave. 

So, help me wade through this. Am I being unrealistic in thinking that there can be any kind of dominance  or submission without going into slave/master territory? Is it okay that the only thing I may have about  the other person is a photo and a face to face conversation? Any thoughts would be welcomed.