Sometimes...

Lol it's not much... just enough to make me want to share the reason that made me drink in the first place...

I was on tumblr, looking at dd/lg memes hehe cause that's what I do when I'm bored.

And there was this one..and I'll type it because I cant add the image... 

It said 

"Favorite Daddy Thing:

Daddy: *opens his arms from across the room* "come here, baby"

Me: *squealing happily and running into his arms*

Daddy: "there she is." *hugs me tight and rocks me* "theres my sweet girl "

And that made me cry...

I was ugly crying lol

I think it was because I really want that... or probably because I wont get that 

Btw jack daniels is horrible!!😂😂 How do people drink that!!?? I can feel the hangover already and I'm not done yet

Here again to vent.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine today and I guess it left me with alot to think about.

As in the title. I'm a virgin. Never had sex never did a scene. I can count on one hand the amount of guys I've kissed and on two fingers the amount that were sober when we did.

My friend (the only one that really knows about my interest in BDSM) asked me why it was so appealing to me blah blah. And I answered her questions without complaints, because she seemed really interested.

But then she asked the question that got me.

"But how do you know?"

I didn't answer.

I'll admit I felt kinda stupid, and I kept thinking "how do I know?"

Haha and it's still on my mind.

I've never done any if it, never had the chance to fulfill any of my sometimes slightly twisted fantasies. How do I know that I'd like it when I do get the chance to?

Maybe it's stupid, but with all that's going on I'm really starting to doubt everything.

So I messed up... I've never blogged before but I think I can vent here right? I think it's okay to do that.

I always wondered why doms ghosted me or didn't really try with me... and I see now that I'm the problem. And it's not the fact that I'm unattractive this time, its because I'm too needy.

I drove away the nicest, most patient, loving and just all round amazing guy. He really tried with me, he put up with me for almost eight whole months and I ruined it. Worst part is that he still wants to be in my life, as a mentor. I guess that's what hurts the most.

It would be easier if he hated me.

You're probably wondering what I did. Well, I was stupid. We weren't able to see eachother, neither of us could afford it. But we planned and we were working on it.

It's rare that I get any type of physical affection. I dont have friends anymore so cuddles and something as simple as having my hand held hasn't happened in months. And well long story short somone asked me out on a date and I said yes.

It was selfish and stupid and it turned out that that guy asking me out was just a prank. I deserved being laughed at.

And its pathetic because I wasn't attracted to him. I didn't know or care for him I just wanted a hug and maybe some kisses... I dont know.

Definitely nothing sexual, just affection. But I regret it so much.

Anyway so here I am. Without a Dom and wondering whether I deserve to call myself a submissive.

I need someone to tell me that I'm ungrateful. That I'm selfish and a fuck up and that I dont deserve a dom ever. Because he won't. Even though he should.

Just btw I had a bit to drink, and this liquid courage will go after a nap and I'll be so ashamed lol