Questions, thoughts and general mayhem from inside my head....

I met a "Dom" from here a couple of years ago.  The man was attractive, had a voice that every woman dreams of and lord did he make me laugh.

We lived a plane ride away but due to covid we had to delay meeting in real life.

I loved talking to him.  Talking to him was the highlight of my day.  He really listened to me and it felt like he really saw me.  Unfortunately, he wasn't as open with me about himself.  Though to be fair there was one time that he told me some things about his family and I loved it.  It was a peek into what made him the man he is.  

When we did finally meet it felt like we were both a little lost and akward.  The easy phone conversations and non stop laughter was no where to be found.  I'm not really sure what happened.  The confident Dom I talked to for months was gone.  

Maybe I didn't measure up or maybe like he said "he told me everything already on the phone".  Or maybe I just bored him.

All the things he told me he wanted to do with me when we saw each other turned out to be empty promises.  Honestly, to this day I have no idea what happened.  Shortly after seeing him he accused me of seeing someone else and stopped talking to me.

I tried to tell him I wasn't but in the end I just assumed it was his way of ending things with me.

It's been a couple of years and I realize now looking back without the cloud of pain that it was all smoke and mirrors on his part to hide a deeply insecure man.  

If I could offer any advise it would be to always be yourself.  Be vulnerable, open and honest and expect nothing less from your partner.  If someone is playing games with your emotions then tell them it was nice to meet them and walk (run) away.

L

I think everyone at some point in their life have real moments of clarity. When they finally realize they can't  pretend anymore and they have to face the facts.

Maybe the words "not enough" are the wrong words to use. More specifically you realize that the person you've devoted yourself to and fell for, doesn't feel the same way.

They like you and enjoy talking to you but they can't or won't let themselves go any deeper. It's hard because you don't know if it's because of their past or if they just don't feel what you feel.

Those perfect moments between you when the connection feels unbreakable, are fewer and fewer. When getting him to share more than another hilarious story are like pulling teeth. When suspicion and silences become the norm. You have to acknowledge reality.

I don't have all the answers but one thing I do know is that you can't change another person. You can't make them trust or love you. It's either freely given or not at all.

I also know that I'm worthy and deserving of more. I walked away from long-term marriage because I finally realized that and settling for less.....isn't an option.

So although much was assumed and hurtful things written, I don't regret anything. He gave me what he could and for that I'll always be grateful. He helped me find my voice and own my truth. And for that, a part of me will always love him.

I am strong

I am invincible

Sound familiar?  It was a song written in the early seventies at a time when women were fighting to be heard.  

I may hear and interpret the meaning a little differently then what the artist originally intended however, her words still ring true and truth is powerful. 

Oh yes, I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price 

but look how much I've gained

If I have to, I can do anything

I am strong

I am invincible

I Am Woman!

Can I get a Hallelujah!  LOL

Happy Friday!

I'm the type to compartmentalize my life.  Everything has a place. When I discovered D/s I thought it was perfect for me because it wasn't about love.  To me it was about a connection to someone on a deeper level. Something I never had but wanted desperately.  It was about filling a void in my life. 

I got the connection I wanted but in the process I let down my guard and my walls and let someone in.  The funny thing is I didn't even realize that I let him in.  Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way about me.

It took me a long time and someone making me really look at myself and my past feelings to realize that I had actually fallen in love.  That's really hard for me to even admit.  But he also made me see that I didn't do anything wrong.  That there are a lot ways to love someone and loving someone is a really good thing.

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Today was a good day!

I wish I could say that every single day.  But working in a toxic environment every day can be a challenge.   

I know that I need to step outside of my comfort zone and make some changes.  It sounds so simple and yet it's so terrifying to me!  

For so long I've felt powerless. So today I took a small step.  I don't know if anything will come of it but it made me fee strong and in control!  It also made me realize that the only one putting me in a box is me!

Allow me:

Strength to answer questions I can't fathom

The spirit to know his needs

The serenity to serve him in peace

The love to show him myself

The tenderness to comfort him

The wisdom to be an asset to him

Let me:

Show him each day my love of service to him

Open myself to completely belong to him

Learn to please him myself

Accept penance with grace

Have power to give myself to him completely

Give me strength to please us both

Permit me to love myself, in loving him

It is my greatest wish, my highest power

To make him complete, as he makes me.

I'm done giving mine away!