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The uprising of self

The realisation of self.
The coming together.
The formation.
The real me!
1 day ago. Thu 22 Aug 2019 05:02:49 PM IDT

I am in no way the person I was  before.

I am in no way the person I will be after.

I am me.

I feel the strength burning deep inside.

The fire ignited.

The burn igniting every part of me.

I feel my strength building.

Today i know who I am

Today I know how strong i am.

Today i belong to no one.

I am my own person.

I know my mind

I know no limitations.

It stems from pain that has given way to something much more powerful.

An understanding of me.

A me who understands what hurt does and the scar it leaves behind.

But that scar is nothing to be ashamed of.

Its my battle scar.

Its my reminder.

I'm what I've endured.

Of what I've overcome.

So look at me and smile.

Know I'm not weak.

Appreciate my journey.

For who I am is no more and who I've become is learning to fly.

2 days ago. Wed 21 Aug 2019 05:27:50 PM IDT

The cage is a community.

Within every community there is good and bad.

I am so fortunate to have some of the many good to call friends and family. 

I am also aware of the bad and although I think we should be able to publicly out them, especially if they have a reputation for such behaviour I understand that we cant.

 

So maybe instead the ones with the beautiful reputations should make themselves be known.

Be there as a beacon for those who are unsure.

Be there so others know who approach if they need support.

Be there to ask questions of.

Although this is a community, sometimes the bad can outshine.

Within our community the predators can hide behind a mask of goodness.

So maybe as a newbie, your first port of call should be to find your beacons of light.

Read the blogs, read the comments under the blogs. 

Get a feel for who to trust.

Believe me you will see.

It is very plain to see.

The ones surrounded by love shine bright.

Huggles 

X

2 days ago. Wed 21 Aug 2019 12:20:20 PM IDT

So today the sun is shining. 

A slight breeze ruffles the leaves in the trees.

I'm content.

Life is good.

I'm relaxed.

The path I'm travelling is not always even.

The road is rocky, with many twists and turns. 

I dont always know what is around every corner. 

It takes strength to sometimes walk around that corner, not knowing what to expect. 

That feeling of anticipation, nervousness.

But we have no choice but to continue.

To go back does not solve any problems, it but creates more.

So step by step I move forward.

Sometimes my pace is slower, more unsure, where the way ahead is unclear, at other times I walk confident, the path clear the way ahead obvious.

I remember at all times to take stock of my surroundings.

To remember to smell the flowers along the way.

To find beauty in each step.

I'm still alone on  this journey.

I have many friends.

They keep me company.

Always come running as needed.

But I do miss that one to call my own.

But this journey is not about them or anyone else.

It is personal to me.

It's a journey of self discovery

I am no where near perfect.

But what I am is content with me.

My journey is ongoing.

I dont know my end point.

The journey for me is my here and now.

So while the sun shines, my road is assured.

It's time to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

I cant promise you where I'll end up.

But I'm confident it will be ok.

 

X

 

 

6 days ago. Sat 17 Aug 2019 05:38:08 PM IDT

 

 

 

 

6 days ago. Sat 17 Aug 2019 02:19:13 AM IDT

Sometimes all you can do is but sigh.

It feels like the most fitting response.

A time when no words are adequate. 

No emotion is fitting.

When you're not sad or happy. 

You just are!

Not necessarily a bad place to be.

Sometimes it is good to rest.

A sigh is not a response.

Its a pause. 

We all need a pause at times.

To re examine our lives, our decisions, our choices.

A pause enables us to step off the rollercoaster that is life. 

Just for a few minutes and take a breath. 

To examine what is around us.

To take stock of what we have.

Theres no shame in stopping. 

Just ensure you dont stop for too long, that you keep going.

That pause might give you the strength you need to carry on.

Or to make a decision you were putting off.

Or to make that choice.

To give you time to clear your head.

Sometimes we have so much going on.

We just need to pause.

I pause several times a day.

As i walk along my path, still barefoot.

The seasons haven't quite changed enough for shoes.

The grass is still green.

The path covered in foliage.

The trees full of leaves.

The sun hot, still shining high in the sky.

I enjoy pausing.

Take stock of my surroundings.

Take a deep breath.

Let out all the tension that I've been holding onto.

And just be.

Life isn't a race.

There's no points, no medal for reaching the end any faster than another.

What if by racing for the end goal you forget to look around 

What if the end point is not where the prize is,but rather the journey.

How much could you possibly miss if you go full steam ahead .

The journey may be beautiful, pausing gives you time to appreciate.

Not only where you are but how far you've come.

Maybe the prize is in the here and now.

The present is exactly that!

For me personally at times I could not see or maybe did not want to see the gift that life bestowed on me at that time.

So hidden in the negativity that surrounded me.

The present did not always feel that.

But now?

Now I am grateful for my journey.

I am proud of how far I've come.

Yes I'm in a better place than I was both emotionally, mentally and physically.

Yes i have learned along the way to protect me.

There is nothing wrong in that.

I will continue to protect me.

I will also protect what's mine and those I hold dear.

I'm good at building walls.

No harm in that. 

But my walls have a door now, maybe a window or two. 

To some a weak point but to me not so.

My walls are strong.

I am strong.

But I'm learning it's also ok to at times let people in.

My doors allow me that.

They allow to let people in or shut them out.

It allows for me to control that.

That gives me my strength.

So maybe my pauses are my safe place.

The times I step outside my doors.

And breathe.

In my time.

In my place.

And to just be!

 

 

 

 

2 weeks ago. Mon 05 Aug 2019 11:47:44 AM IDT

This thinking lark gets me in to all sorts of trouble. 

Its what happens on days off.

When all the washing is done, the house is tidy and there's not much to do. 

The weather is unpredictable, and Netflix has become boring.

I hang out at the pool.

I'm lucky- its quiet. 

So I sit, feet dangling in the cool waters. 

It's too early for my tipple of choice so a ice latte sits by my side. 

As I sit I feel so removed from all around.

Everyone here has decided they are this or that. 

Labels to enable a sense of belonging. 

To help them fit in. 

But what happens if the labels don't fit?

That by labelling yourself you feel a fraud. 

That by labelling yourself you actually feel that you stick out more. 

That people can tell you dont belong.

What if fitting in is more for everyone elses sake than you own?

That it makes others feel comfortable around you as they know who you are and the expectations of that role.

Sitting here I realise I dont need or want a label.

I'm just as happy swimming confidently on my own as I am letting someone lead me. 

I am just as happy leading someone as I am being lead.

Can I switch between roles?

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure i want to.

I know i like swimming.

I enjoy swimming with others 

That's all I need to know. 

The right person to swim next to me will understand that about me.

Will help me to discover who i am.

Or will accept me for who i am without the need to change. 

I'm happy.

I sit and am at peace with who I am.

I feel I'm a works in progress.

Incomplete  yet still so much to write.

My pages blank.

The story mine.

The pen posed ready.

The author of my journey. 

The rest is still unwritten.

2 weeks ago. Sun 04 Aug 2019 01:37:07 PM IDT

Sometimes when you sit, no thoughts actively travelling through your mind. 

It gives you time to contemplate.

To almost really concentrate. 

You focus more, maybe on things on that really matter.

Sometimes you almost feel empty.

Not sure what's more important or less.

Or where your priorities lie.

Sometimes things feel all jumbled up.

No thoughts, too many thoughts.

Sometimes all over the place.

Sometimes you need to really refocus.

To look in.

Self reflect.

It's at times when you feel most messed up that you are least messed up.

It's the inability or maybe just the fact that you just dont want to face what's really plaguing you. 

Maybe time to self reflect .

To make the decisions you dont really want to.

To stop putting off those things  you feel you can't deal with.

Sometimes to really think.

Sometimes to really look inwards takes courage.

We all live out lives and dont always realise the footprints we leave on another.

Those footprints we may be able to erase physically but never mentally.

Our actions always speak louder than words.

Our footprints forever there.

We need to be accountable for our actions.

Accountable for the decisions,  the choices  that we make.

No one else can be responsible for how we respond  to things.

That's ultimately something we control  although we may not realise it. 

Sometimes life throws you a curveball.

We can but swing for all we've got and hope we hit it.  

The destination of that ball is not something we have control of.

Our hope is that it travels and goes far before it is caught.

If someone does catch it,  it's not our responsibility then what they do with it. 

Responsibility is ours.

Ours alone.

Own our actions.

Tread carefully with feelings.

But most importantly know your words have consequences and your actions repercussions. 

That people are fragile and can get hurt.

As the saying goes " if you've nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all!"

 

Huggles ❤

3 weeks ago. Sun 28 Jul 2019 01:00:33 PM IDT

I started my journey in the pool,  sitting on the side, nervously dangling my feet in the cool waters. 

I remember watching in trepidation those around me so confident in their abilities, confident in themselves.  

I remember wishing to be like them.

Wishing to have that confidence. 

Wishing to have what they had.

My plan was to watch and learn. 

To make friendships.

To learn to swim.

I would sit, t-shirt covered my swim suit, not even confident in my own skin. 

Not knowing what I wanted or even who I was.

Today i sit, bikini on show, feeling confident in every which way. 

I've still a way to go, every day is a school!

I learn so much from so many people.

Even the idiots that grace my presence, they show me how not to be.

The wise dragons show me how to be.

And all inbetween, all give me something, show me something, I learn from all.

I sit serenely. 

Confident.

Happy

I slip gently into the cool waters and swim.

My stroke confident.

I trust myself.

I trust my ability.

I swim relaxed.

Gliding through the waters.

I swim to the deep end. 

My feet nowhere near the bottom.

I dip under the surface, listening to the changes around  me made by the water.

Surfacing, the water runs off me.

My curly hair heavy with water.

I breathe deeply.

I pull myself out and sit on the edge.

Smile at those around me.

A kiss blown here and there at those I hold dear. 

I stand and  with confidence dive back in to the cool waters.

Going deep I pull myself through the dark and deep waters before gently allowing myself to come back up.

Breaking the surface I smile.

My achievement is personal to me

My goal initially to find a partner.

That no longer matters to me. 

I have achieved so much more instead.

There are many who are still sitting on the sides.

They look with longing at what others are capable of.

I swim back.

Sit back in the shallows.

I smile at a new face.

I motion to come and sit with me.

A new friend in the making. 

If I've learnt anything - friends are the family you choose yourself.

The diversity I have around me.

The acceptance I'm surrounded by.

The beauty.

The humour

I have the best family.

If we're lucky we all get together once in a while,  we sit, we laugh, we talk, we love.

We come from different walks of life, we have unique experiences. 

Yet theres something we all have in common. 

We care for each other.

We're there for each other.

So no partner in sight but something so much more precious.

Friendships.

Family.

Love.

1 month ago. Wed 10 Jul 2019 02:21:56 PM IDT

Current mood 

 

I think I want

 

 

Which is something I'm craving for.

Nothing more than arms wrapped around me, snuggling on the sofa and just feeling loved.

I've never had mommy cuddles - not the best relationship if any, and definetly no cuddles. 

So made it my thing that I would always cuddle my daughter.

But sometimes all you need is a adult  cuddle. 

You know the type when you're wrapped up tight.

Can feel their heart beat.

Where you laugh and giggle together.

Share memories.

The scene in momma Mia where she is getting married and she sits on her mommy's lap and they just are.......

I crave that.

Not because I'm in a bad mood.

Not because I'm in a sad mood.

Not because I'm in any mood.

Just because I want that cuddle.

That feeling of being needed, wanted, loved unconditionally. 

 I'm just cuddle frustrated. 

 

Huggles

 

1 month ago. Tue 09 Jul 2019 04:40:37 PM IDT

Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and carry on.

Life has not always been easy.

Truth be known life at times has been down right shit, but something I know it will never again be as bad as it was.

That enables me to keep going.

And I become stronger every day.

I not the person I was many years ago when I felt I had no control over my life. 

I felt I had been thrown into a dark forest, with no pathway.

My journey consisted of fighting my way through, often wrestling with brambles, vines, often in the dark.

But i came through it.

Dont get me wrong I have many a scar.

But they are my battle scars. 

In a way I'm proud of them.

They document better than anything my journey. 

I see them as not a negative, not even as a bad thing  but as a part of my journey. 

But I'm.not in that place now.

Haven't been for a while.

Now I'm on a path.

Its brightly lit with natural light. 

There are flowers and birdsong. 

I know to my right and to my left lay darkness.

But I don't care.

That's not my direction.. 

My direction remains strong and true. 

I know every now and then my path might become unlit.

But I carry with me a torch and though the way ahead is dark and scary I know that the light is not far away.

That I just need to stay strong.

I'm lucky now because at those time hands reach out to me to guide me, to give me strength, to let me know I'm not alone. 

Along this journey I have met some of the most beautiful people.

I have family where I never had before.

I may be uncollared (this i really dont mind)

But I have amazing friends which for me are more valuable than any Dom.

These I know will last a lifetime  

I know I dont need a Dom to make me complete (dont get me wrong it would be nice).

But I wont surrender me for anyone.

I wont lose me for anyone  

This journey is about no one but me.

I've learnt to love and respect me.

I put me first and the changes in me for that one reason alone makes me proud. 

I know I am strong. 

I know I can face anything. 

I know with friends by my side I can face more.

Life sometimes kicks you hard. 

But I learn to roll to limit the damage. 

I wont let it kill me.

I'm a fighter. 

My journey has been tough.

But I'm here standing  

And I'm standing strong.

And I'm not alone 

 

Huggles