"Chilled is as understatement. Totally relaxed.
Life is good.
Sometimes you need to appreciate the smaller things in life and you can only do that if you slow down and really start look.
Some times we are rushing around crazily trying to reach that end point, but what if we miss it because we're trying to hard to reach it.
What we if we if we're too busy so we miss it.
Sometimes we just need to slow down.
Maybe by slowing down we can stop and listen, really listen to those around us but most importantly to ourselves.
We often silence our inner voice, fearing what it's telling us, but it's that for a reason.
I have three (So technically I'm probably commitable ), I have my head voice - voice of reason, ways up all the pros and cons, calculated voice; then there's my heart voice- it is ruled by emotion, it goes off feelings and can often be fooled, it often let's me know it's presence by pounding, or giving me heart stop moments, it can get hurt so I protect it well, a fine brick wall surrounds it , I can still feel it's presence but I know it's safe; lastly I have my gut - a voice not governed by feelings or reason, it's just a natural instinct, it lets my know of Its presence through butterflies, what I call the eebie jeebies, general feeling of something isn't right - I can never miss the feeling, it invades my whole body.
My gut rarely express concerns but when it does I've learnt to listen. I will not ignore it and I take heed.
Even with the many conversations I have had I don't ignore it.
What I have learnt is that here my gut expresses excitement too.
So I know if something isn't right as my gut tells me, my head may reason that I just need to try it out that my uneasiness is due to it being new, my heart may be swept up in the emotions or feelings of the situation but if my gut is saying no then I listen.
So whilst sitting relaxed at the pool all voices are happy to pique up as and when.
My heart every now and then jumping as a guy walks by or says hello - my heart would get into bed with anyone!
My head admonishes my heart, telling in to behave, already deciding why he wouldn't be suitable.
My gut quiet.
Which is a good place to be.
I go and walk into the pool, wading up to my knees- my head - is this really a good idea?
My heart is quiet.
My gut stirring showing nervousness.
I stop at my knees.
I wonder to push a little, go that little further.
I go further - up to my thighs.
My head is totally freaking out, my gut has butterflies almost an excitement building.
I stop though.
My journey is amazing.
I'm stronger than I was at the beginning.
Learnt so much.
I might have yet to find him, but there is no rush.
But I'm not unhappy at that thought.
I have many friends here.
I feel at home here.
Maybe what I am looking for I have found.
Anything else would be the icing on the cake.
Here I have acceptance for me.
Here I am Home.
"So sleep has been my evasive friend on these night shifts, causing me to be a grumpy bum.
I have to laugh though as I've had some of my funniest encounters in here and my responses have been fueled by lack of sleep - not always the responses many want.
I'm always at my most vulnerable on nights.
My thinking not as clear as usual, my responses not as thought out.
I try to be aware of myself during this time but it's hard.
My sleep deprived mind tends to overact and i can get myself into all sorts of trouble.
I lose my filter and often say things with little thought to the consequences.
I almost regress to teenagehood.
It's embarrassing to watch.
So sitting at the pool, my legs dangling in the cool waters, I take the time to reflect on my week.
I've learnt Doms come and go. If they don't get their way they disappear or they enjoy telling you how bad a sub you would have been anyway.
I've learnt it takes guts to say no. Especially when they make you think to say no is the wrong choice.
I've learnt that to wait maybe hard but it's the right thing to do.
As a friend says if you'll be the happiest ever in 6 months isn't the worth it to wait.
So instead I'm content to make friends.
Surprisingly I now have quite a few good Dom friends that want nothing more than friendship and to give me advice along my journey.
This is really most welcome and I'm developing some good friendships.
I feel relaxed as I sit here.
I know this journey feels long.
Sometimes I get inpatient.
Sometimes I want so badly what I read and hear about but I've learnt that that can fuel bad decision making and cloud my thoughts.
The right one is out there.
But I believe I'm not yet ready enough to meet him.
So for now reading blogs and finding out all about me is helping me.
You guys on here are my inspiration, your blogs encourage and support me.
I learn through you mistakes not to make.
I take on board the advice that screams from your blogs.
I may not always be active in chat rooms, I still struggle with them and I'm not always around to drop in.
But I do read and I am here often lurking.
So friends reach out.
I'm not so scared any more.
I'm the one sitting with a rum and coke with my legs dangling in the pool.
A smile on my face.
Happy to sit side by side a friend or more.
Come and say hello. "
"Today I remain in my bed , as I have just done night 1 of 5.
Sleep has not been kind and decided to be evasive. So instead I've rested, dozed and thought.
Sleep deprived thoughts are interesting, they are often raw and unfiltered.
I'm in a good place right now, exploration of me is unhindered.
I'm enjoying getting to know me.
I'm enjoying what I'm finding out about me.
But today when thinking about finding the one, I realised you can't submit unless the person you are with is the right one. To submit, to give yourself to another relies on trust, a coming together of selves, clicking. It will never work if you think you should submit because S/He tells you S/he is your Dom/me.
The process is a long one. It takes time.
A perfect cake is not perfect untill it's baked.
It may look beautiful - the cake but it may taste revolting.
So finding the one is a process.
My submission will happen when I am ready.
So I'm happy with that.
I accept that.
Life is good."
" New day - often implies what ever happened yesterday is in the past and today we can start a new.
However often the past leaves scars, which have an impact no matter how small.
They leave a foot print somewhere, and whether it is negative or postive that is not really what matters, but it what we have learnt fromit and potentially continue to learn from it.
Life is not easy and i think that has to be my personal moto.
But that is not necessarily a bad thing.
We have to have the hard parts to appreciate the good parts.
The hard parts prepare us.
The hard parts are what form us to be who we are.
The hard parts build our self confidence and make us stronger.
The good parts are good - don't knock them.
Roll with them.
They keep us going when the going gets tough.
The warm glow.
And there are times when we just are.
Neither good or bad.
Our times to just breathe, relax, to just be.
Much needed breaks in our ongoing busy lives.
Today sat at the pool, my feet dangling in the pool i look at people - really look.
You can not tell from their faces what they are going through - whether they are having a good day or a bad day.
So i sit smiling - free for anyone who may need a friendly eye, smile or just that encouragement.
A smile is free and can mean so much to some.
I am comfortable now paddling in the pool.
Up to my knees, wading in relative comfort.
The water lapping at my legs gently.
Its no longer as frightening as i first feared.
I have learnt alot here.
Becoming comfortable with who I am finding myself to be.
Confident with the butterfly emerging.
Those wings I may one day test - hoping they support me.
I've learnt here that first is me.
That unless I am confident with who I am, how can I expect anyone else to be.
Unless I know what I want, like , need how can anyone else know.
This journey started as me looking for my Dom but now its baout me looking at me.
Standing in front of that mirror and appreciating me (not easy to do and still working on it).
I have friends atthe pool, making more daily.
I don't ask for more as for now maybe thats all I need.
Friends last forever - Doms may come and go.
So to friendship.
To good and bad days.
To smiles that are free.
To days of discovery.
To the mirror of self reflection.
To me and to you.
Together we are stronger
Lets enjoy our journey.
" sometimes life throws you a curve ball and all you can do is swing that bay as hard as you can and hope to god you hit it, at least then you know you've given it your all.
But how many curve balls is it fair to be given?
I sit at the pool, happy on the side to dangle feet, gently swinging my legs in the water.
My confidence has increased.
I'm comfortable with my feet in the water, only to where I'm still in control though.
Many have asked to take me dweper, to trust them.
Now why is that so hard to do?
Trust is a wierd thing. You build it like a wall depending in situations and experiences past. So you could have the best person standing in front of you who may be genuine but due to the past experiences trust is going to be a long time earned.
I think Some times that then that is not fair on the genuine ones, being judged by our past experiences, no new slate, in reality they've a tougher time.
But if ive been hurt before then my natural instinct is to protect myself. My heart is vulnerable. It often falls first. It does so without thinking or knowing the full story. It does not judge. It can be taken advantage of.
If I know that then you know that.
So naturally I protect.
A wall so high that no one will get it, no one will penetrate.
Certain words I have learnt can cause a weakening. I learnt that the hard way (never tell anyone those words).
I felt myself falling.
My heart wanted it so badly. The words almost acting like a sledgehammer to my wall.
You see I've been hurt before.
Taken advantage of.
My brain remembers.
My gut cried out.
He almost took me deep.
So I sit here dangling my feet in the cool water.
What I do know is that the water is not the same as yesterday or the day before.
Different ripples move through the waters.
So curve balls - hit them hard with everything and come back fighting."
"I'm having a feeling good day.
A positive day.
I believe it's all in the mind set. If you start the day with a positive mind set then things can only get better.
The Pool is quiet at this time in the morning.
The water a glassy darkness, no inkling of what lies beneath the surface.
It will take a trusting person to swim in there this morning. But many will. They are confident and have done it before.
Me? I can barely dip a toe in.
I sit nearby, watching the inky darkness gently move, so inviting. The soft sound of the water lapping.
I swirl a finger and watch the effect as ripples gently pan out.
It's amazing the effect of one gentle movement.
How just one touch can have such a dramatic effect.
I carry in swirling, the movement causing more ripples.
I initiate the first ripple, I am initially in control, it not for long as the body of water overtakes, it's own momentum now in control.
If I were to let go, maybe an arm, a leg the effect would be larger, more intense.
My control would be gone, but only for that moment.
I still can get out.
I always can get out as long as I am careful.
As long as I realise my limitations.
As long as the risk I take I understand.
As long as I have someone to catch me."
I'm on my way to work, it's just gone half six in the morning.
My favourite day and time.
No one is up.
The sky is like crushed velvet it's blackness inpenetrable.
My thoughts come unhindered.
Nothing to stop them.
Nothing to interrupt them.
Pure as can be.
The bird song my complimenting my walk.
Life can not come much purer than at this moment.
Nature as it's best.
Thoughts tumble around, neither compromised, communicated or judged.
My emotions stable, settled.
At this moment all is right.
At this moment i'm happy.
At this moment life is good.
So I take this moment and enjoy it.
Where no thoughts leave a trace, no residue to cloud judgement.
Clarity is easy at this moment.
It's why I love this time.
It's why it's my favourite time.
At this time i can achieve anything
At this time i can be.
This time is mine.
At this time the world belongs to me.
"I've a rare day off and am sitting at the pool.
The holidays are not quite the holidays for nurses, I think I've had two days off since before Christmas and this is my third so I'm going to make the most of it.
I've not been here much, missed talking to the people I'm getting to know.
My journey remains a constant. Some days I go forward and some days I go back but there's a constant movement.
At times I feel impatient waiting for the right one.
Wanting what I read everyone else has.
But deep inside I know I'm not ready for that yet.
It's the jumping in the pool and not being able to swim.
There may be that lucky one who someone will come to their aide.
But others will flounder, some who drown some will survive.
So I will protect me.
I will not be reckless and jump
I will continue to find me and learn about me.
I will be the best me I can be.
Hopefully the best Submissive I can be for the right Dom.
I will be in the right place when he finds me.
But in order to do that and be there I need to concentrate on me.
I'm excited and nervous.
I've learnt that actually I need to take those first steps into the pool by myself.
No one to hold my hand.
Those who know me cheering me on from the sidelines.
So today I stand up.
I walk to the edge, my toes wriggling in anticipation for the coolness of water.
I can do this."