Online now

The uprising of self

The realisation of self.
The coming together.
The formation.
The real me!
1 day ago. Sun 16 Jun 2019 06:46:05 PM IDT

On the eve of the 17th June I look back at the last 14 years and I am beyond proud. 

There is a beautiful person who shares my life  

The only person who has heard my heart beat from the inside. 

Who knew those beats were only for her, love coursing though my veins flowing to her.

This beautiful individual who I've had the pleasure to watch and see grow into an amazing person who I couldn't be more proud of.

I watch her proudly at how she feels angered at the world she lives in and is empowered to change it.

I watch as she campaigns for justice for all. 

I watch as she loves so passionately  with every bit of her.

I watch her support her friends.

I watch her listen emphatically. 

I watch her love them.

I see how she changes in front of me in to something beyond my comprehension. 

I love her humour. 

I love her sass.

I love her confidence  

I love individuality. 

I love how she is not afraid to be different. 

Her ability to think outside the box. 

I love her accepting nature.

I love how she challenges my thinking. 

I love that she accepts no shit (my God my girl is strong).

This girl on the cusp of womanhood holds a lifetime of hope. 

For she is our tomorrow  

And if she represents our young people then I have no fear.

For this next generation is strong, they are fearless and they are not frightened to challenge and change.

Yet this kid I call my own is the only one who can make me laugh out loud ( "Mom!"  She shouts, "I have a philosophical question?  What is the purpose of dogs?" As I laugh out loud, she reminds me silence is not an answer unless by not giving an answer I am indeed answering the question!)

As music blared out - mixing from Latino tunes to reggae to Bob Marley to en vogue.

Making me proud she knows all the words to Gangsters Paradise, Shy Guy and En vogue. 

Her style is unique from tutu, leather jacket and Doc martens one day to jogging bottoms and a hoodie the next. 

Her never ending questioning nature. 

I am proud. 

I might have made her but the rest is all her.

For this I will always be proud. 

My daughter, my love.

I love you beyond words.

No one can ever make me prouder. 

Forever will I love you. 

Forever will you be in my heart.

X

1 day ago. Sun 16 Jun 2019 05:36:55 PM IDT

Sleep........Totally overated,  especially when you dont get enough.

 

So my sleep goes down hill from the first night to the seventh. 

I start off on 8 hours sleep a day to today when I've had less than 4.

I think I'm officially shattered.

My eyes are heavy.

My head hurts.

But that's fine - I always see the cup is neither empty, full or half full but refillable. 

So I'll go into my last of 7 with an energy that's unnerving and a gusto that enables me to work my butt off.

You see, in life  things don't always work out as expected. 

But for me it's not about that it's about how  work with what you've got.

So I go into my last night shift  shattered, sleep deprived, achy but knowing that I have to give more than 100%.  That I will give more than 100%. 

That i will do my job to the best of my ability.

That I will walk on shift with a smile.

That my step will be light.

A song in my head.

And give everything I got and more.

 

3 days ago. Fri 14 Jun 2019 07:58:01 PM IDT

The word survivor for me was never a positive.

It kept me back there.

It defined me by my past.

Everytime someone called me that, I felt sick,  that I had had to survive something so bad in order to be here.

I didnt want any association with the word.

I heard victims (another word I hate) swoon in and take ownership of the word. 

Proud of its connections with their journey.

But for me it was never a journey i had wanted to take. 

So although I grew. 

Although I moved on,  people who knew me said I had done well, I was a survivor. 

I could never sit comfortable. 

So i lied.

I pretended I was ok.

I said I was strong.

They say sometimes you have to fake it till you make it.

I faked it for so many years until strong was all I knew. 

I faked it until I stopped faking it and it became real.

I faked it until I didn't know I was faking it.

I grew in its shadow.

I grew stronger.

I became who I am today. 

Proud of my journey. 

Proud of my strength. 

Loving my life. 

Then someone posted something today.

About a warrior.

For the first time ever I knew who I was.

It encompassed my journey respecting my past and my struggle but showing i was more than my past.

That I was a fighter. 

That it was a choice I made, not a a situation i was forced to accept.

 

I was shocked. 

I had found wings that enabled to me fly.

To be free of my past.

To set it aside from the crap I endured as a child and instead focus on the present and moving forward.

It was a word that for the first time I was happy to accept.

We are not always in control of our past.

But we are in control of our future. 

Our strengths lie in getting up and moving on.

I've never been one to dwell on my past.

I rarely bring it in to conversation. 

It is not a story that needs to be shared.

It has no right to be shared. 

It has no place in history.

It does not define me 

My choices define me, make me who i am today. 

My life from when I first became free define me.

They create my story.

I can't exclude my past but I can choose it effect  on me.

I can't deny my past but I can choose it impact.

I cant erase my past but I choose to not include it. 

I have strength not from my past but from the decisions I made since.

I choose.

And I choose happiness, love,  beauty, sincerity, friendships, blue skies on rainy days, truth, honesty, family, freedom,  strength .........the list goes on.

I am in control not always of things that happen around me but in my responses to things that happen around me. 

Its taken time  talking, counselling to be where I am.  

Tears in abundance.

I've been broken.

But you know what?

I'm here, and I'm still standing.

Yes I have my bad days.

But who doesn't?

I may need reminding sometimes to look up instead of down (please do!)

But I'm luckier than most.

I'm still alive.

I did survive.

But I'm no survivor.

I AM A WARRIOR ❤

 

 

 

 

 

6 days ago. Tue 11 Jun 2019 06:20:49 AM IDT

At work on the night shift on a Monday (well actually tuesday morning).

Had the chance to sit (rarity) and think.

(Not sure how this blog will turn out as I'm sleep deprived and at work).

Alot of people on here want that magical relationship. 

They want it to be immediate, they want it to be how they dream it to be, they want it to be perfect, they want it to be now.

But all of that is impossible.

Everything needs work.

Everything needs to be built from the bottom up. 

Yes it takes time.

But they say good things come to those who wait. 

I always say it and will say it again you first need to be happy with you.

You have to be ready to be happier alone than with someone if it means what you settle for is second best. 

You need to say I am worthy of more.

That i deserve better.

Because you want something doesnt mean you take the first one that comes along. 

What if what you want is the second or third thing that comes along but you've  already chosen, then you may miss your chance of happiness.

Sometimes it's better to wait. 

Sometimes it's ok to say no, you're not what I want. 

It's ok to be happy on your own, if what you wants is yet to appear. 

Toughen up people  

You are not that desperate. 

Take your time and wait 

Stop jumping in head first and wondering why it doesnt work.

And whilst you're waiting work on you. 

You are a work in progress. 

So when the right person comes along you are the best you can be.

So try it. 

Start saying no.

Stop settling for second best.

Have patience. 

Meanwhile work on you.

Huggles beautiful folk

 

1 week ago. Mon 10 Jun 2019 02:05:52 PM IDT

When a blog is posted and completely knocks your thinking sidewards. 

But it did get me rethinking and I'm glad of the opportunity.

Often I plow ahead with my thoughts, not necessarily thinking I'm right but I suppose potential blinkered from another train of thought. 

So now another training if thought has been suggested. 

Fake Doms and maybe they need tolerance rather than condemnation. 

My brain went slightly mad, almost angry as I've seen the hurt fake Doms have caused my friends.

Maybe it's in my initial classification. 

We call them instadoms due to their wanting quick action without doing any of the work.

Preying on newbies?

That requires them to plan and doing this with only one intention .

If so they are fake 

These guys need to come clean. 

They need to say clearly what they want.

Thst they dont want a long term relationship, just something quick, a pretence at the lifestyle. Something to satisfy that urge. 

Are we getting these same instaDoms confused with newbie Doms who have no real understanding and their mistakes are made purely through lack of knowledge and and understanding rather than because they dont care?

If so then they need taking aside, maybe a mentor, taking under someones wing and teaching.

The confusion however is in being able to identify each one.

Again that comes with communication. 

If you feel he is moving too quickly, not listening, demanding to be your Dom then question his motives.

As I always say it's you who is in control.

So whether he is an instadom or a newbie ultimately listen to yourself. 

If it feels too good to be true then it probably is.

We all have some responsibility in this.

Dont jump in and want to be an instant sub, for he us also jumping in being an instant Dom, so in reality are you any different to him?

Any relationship requires time.

They are never instant. 

You may have an instant connection but that does not mean no work is needed.

So look at your own reactions to.

Are you accusing someone of being exactly what you yourself are doing?

Take time, communicate, know that this wont be easy, know that it wont be quick.

It takes time and alot of it.

If you want quick find an instadom.

If you want long term then be prepared to take you time. 

1 week ago. Mon 10 Jun 2019 12:56:45 AM IDT

Lol

I've had a drink and I'm about to start nights tomorrow for 7.

So I was going to write a really life changing post. 

But in reality I couldn't be bothered.

My posts are usually strong and theres a moral to them.

This is not one of them

Instead this is me just being me, with a bunch of meaningless  words put together to form sentences. 

This is me having read a variety of blogs wanting to get every instadom into the same room  and force them to look every woman or man in the eye who they have hurt and really listen. 

To be in a room with real Doms and really understand what they are not and then to banish them.

But in reality as much as there are instadoms theres also fake subs.

(Maybe there should be a cage (lol a proper cage would be good) just for them).

But in reality these people exist all around us.

So in reality we just need to get on with life and not let the bastards in. 

After all we are the keepers of our own hearts. 

Good people do exist.

Bad people do exist.

I've known both.

So it's time to get strong people. 

Ultimately you are in control.

Be selective with your hearts 

Choose wisely who you give yourself to.

In reality........

Well in reality you choose.

In reality it's your life. 

 

1 week ago. Sun 09 Jun 2019 02:56:45 PM IDT

Women know that you are enough.

Know no matter your size, your race, your disability, your accent anything that makes you beautifully individual.

Know that you are enough.

Know that each person who wants to change you is because you intimidate them with your strength. 

You intimidate them with your worth.

You intimidate them with your self belief  

For know you are strong.

Hold it tight inside you.

Hold it and let it burn.

Let it flow through every part of you

Know that burn and know it means you are deserving of so much more.

Let it remind you not to settle for second best.

For you are worth more.

Know you are enough.

If they cant see it then they are not enough for you.

 

1 week ago. Sat 08 Jun 2019 10:22:21 PM IDT

There are times when I want to crumble. 

There are times when I want to curl up in a ball and ignore the world  

There are times when I want to shout stop world I want to get off.

But I have some people on here who listen to me.

Who virtually hold me.

Tell me that I've got this

That stand holding me until I'm steady again and can stand on my own two feet. 

Even when things are at their worse I've learnt to open up and share. 

I've learnt that I dont have to be on my own with it all. 

I've learnt that there is strength is sharing. 

Life is a rollercoaster. 

It's not all plain sailing. 

We each have our own mountains to climb.

We each need to be tolerant of each other.

We each need to be kind to each other, as we never know what the other is going through.

Strength is in standing with another who is hurting. 

Strength is in being there for another when they no longer feel they can carry on. 

Strength is in the silence of understanding. 

Strength is in the tears we wipe.

Strength is in protecting that person when they are unable to look after themselves.

Strength is in the hand you give when they look alone.

Strength is in the support you give when that person own strength is weakening.

Strength is in the love we show to that other person.

Strength is being there for no other reason than you can.

I believe we are stronger together. 

A brick alone can not build a house to withstand the storm. 

Thanks to my people of strength. 

You guys know who you are. 

Love is too simple a word for you all. 

 

1 week ago. Thu 06 Jun 2019 03:23:02 AM IDT

I'm here at the pool.

I've not been here for a while.

Its quiet and dark.

The moonlight reflecting off the dancing waters.

Quietly lapping at the sides.

I sit quietly.

Thinking.

I tried swimming once, not long ago.

I managed to swim out, the safety of the bottom never far from my feet.

I grew in confidence. 

But sometimes when we almost succeed at things we often go back to the safety of the shallows. 

We don't trust our new found confidence.

We worry was it just a stroke of luck.

It almost needs that bit more confidence to do it again.

To believe in yourself.

I love the water as much as I love night time.

So the combination of both is calming to me.

I can sit and think.

My mind totally uninterrupted 

I'm comfortable around the water.

I understand its dangers.

I understand how compelling it is.

Its pull.

It's under currents. 

I've listened to others stories. 

Their tales of danger.

I watch some despite the dangers jump in.

I watch the promises made to catch them  by others who barely know how to keep afloat. 

I know that they may drown. 

But warnings go unheard  

They are so caught up in this bubble that they cant or maybe dont want to see the dangers.

Their gut crying out, warning them, but they ignore it.

The consequences to jumping maybe as little as a simple head dunking moment or as severe as its gets.

Some will learn.

Others will repeat the same mistake time after time each time believing in a different outcome.

I sit, my feet slowly making circles in the cool waters. 

I watch the ripples, the effect they have on the water around.

I'm changing. 

I dont fear the ripples.

I make them

I am in control of the effect I have on the water. 

Each person is in control of the effect they personally have on the water. 

Each person can decide about the risks they take.

Each person can put things in place to minimise the risks.

That's your choice. 

Your choice whether you jump in and trust someone who loosely states they have the qualifications to save you.

Or whether you take the time to talk to that person, ask questions, watch, learn and maybe get proof.

Then when you're ready there is still no harm in having a few floats just incase. 

Then maybe wade out rather than jump. 

Let him watch you proudly standing on your own two feet.

Let him be proud of those first few strokes as he comes to meet you.

Let him be proud in your achievement.

Let him understand of all your accomplishments knowing your strength, your passion, your fears.

Then let him swim by your side supporting you as necessary and as needed. 

Let him lead you.

Learn to trust in him as he shows you all you can be whilst supporting you.

Learn to share  your fears and push past those barriers with him by your side.

Then swim to him.

With confidence, with strength.

Be in awe of yourself and your achievement.

Give him your all.

For only then will you be ready.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 week ago. Wed 05 Jun 2019 02:17:42 AM IDT

So here I am.

A  very different person from when I joined.

Am I any further forward?

Of course.

Do i still have far to travel?

Of course.

I'm forever learning. 

The day I stop should be the day I reconsider my journey, my wants, my needs.

I stand here today.

Stronger than who I was.

Each foot step less hesitant than the one before.

This journey is teaching me well.

The people I've met have taught me so much. 

I know deep down that although my journey started here it wont end here.

Life is too vast to limit oneself.

I have read inbetween the lines of many a blog.

I have listened to many tell their tales of heartache. 

I not naive enough to know whom ever I am searching for is on here.

He shall not be found in a forum, a chatroom or online. 

Like many before me have realised too many fake Doms inhabit this world.

It gives them the perfect place to hide.

They prey on the vulnerable, the needy, the wannabes. 

I am neither or any of those things.

(See I'm learning).

I am a strong, capable, independent woman. 

I know I do not need to be weak, vulnerable or a doormat to be submissive. 

I know that in order for me to be I need to have knowledge. 

I need to have understanding. 

I need to love myself.

I need to value myself.

I need to be strong. 

I cannot exchange what I do not possess.

I can not give what I do not have.

A submissive is not weak, but is capable. 

A submissive is not vulnerable but strong 

A submissive is not a doormat but instead is the key.

I deserve to have back what I give.

I deserve to be supported. 

I deserve to be taught.

I deserve to be handled with care.

I deserve to be loved.

I am worthy.