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The uprising of self

The realisation of self.
The coming together.
The formation.
The real me!
1 week ago. Jun 27, 2020, 7:39 PM

 

Today I woke up and am totally in love with who I am! 

I woke and felt that something has shifted slightly.

That my focus had changed.

My outlook had changed.

That i had a deeper respect for who I am.

For how far I have come.

For my stuggles that i have faced. 

For the journey I have been on.

The struggles we face can sometimes cause us to sink.

We struggle with the load that we carry,

Full of guilt, hurt, disappointment.

But know this doesn't define you.

These emotions, feelings that you harbor only proceed to pull you further down.

Drowning you in your own sea of expectations. 

Healing takes time.

You need to unpack each load.

Take your time.

Address each separately.

Before letting it go.

Let it sink to the bottom

And you'll realise that you'll start to float slowly back up.

Know you are important enough, worthy enough to do this.

That you have to love yourself enough to do this.

I am not perfect 

But i am full of good intentions. 

I will better myself.

I will be a better version of me.

I deserve it.

I owe it to myself.

I can no longer hide and wallow.

Its time I started to bloom.

And it starts with me.

so as I step out.

I know that I'm doing this.

I know that im striding out with confidence .

With new found love for myself.

My past does not define me.

But it does impact me.

It has shaped me.

But its who I am.

It part of my story. 

Its part of me 

So:

Love and Huggles

 

1 week ago. Jun 26, 2020, 1:31 PM

We often don't have the confidence to be who we really are.

Frightened of judgement.

Of prejudice 

Of being not accepted.

To be open and honest about who who you are.

Is brave

Is enlightening.

Is freeing.

But know it starts with you.

That the first person you have to be honest with is yourself.

That first you must except you for who you are.

Be comfortable with you.

Be accepting of you.

For only when you you are truly happy with you, then others will be too.

They will learn to love your quirks. 

The things that make you individual. 

They will love your personality 

The thngs that make you you.

They will not try to change you or alter you.

For they love you as you are.

They will help you to be a better version of you. 

Encouraging you to open up.

Encouraging you to embrace yourself. 

Watch you as you become all you can be. 

Reveling in your new found beauty.

For when you are truly happy, truly comfortable in your own skin.

You glow. 

You are truly beautiful.

Both inside and out.

For this journey is first about you.

Finding your one is much about finding you.

Knowing you.

Loving you.

And only when you are ready.

Both inside and out.

Then your one will see you.

Shining, ready.

This is not about being perfect.

Its about your journey of self discovery.

It is a lifetime journey.

A lifetime commitment.

Your one should be committed to that journey.

With you.

But ultimately this is your journey. 

So take pride in your step.

Know you're on the right pathway.

Have faith in you.

And look forward. 

Youve got this.

Go be you.

Be the best version of you.

And above all else love yourself for no one can take that away from you!

 

Love and Huggles

 

1 week ago. Jun 25, 2020, 2:49 PM

Sun

Alcohol

BBQ

Water

Two dogs 

And two lesbians?

 

What can possibly go wrong!

(One of the lesbians is nurse! Does that help?)

1 week ago. Jun 25, 2020, 11:58 AM

Unlike many I'm a sleeper of the day.

My night shifts ensure I often close my eyes when the day is bright,

When the sun is awake 

When the birds are singing

And the kids are playing.

I've learnt to block out the business of the day.

To fall into the quiet of the arms of sleep.

But day sleepers are often interrupted,  their sleep never a solid endeavour. 

The knock at the door

The bark of a dog.

The cry of a child

Sounds my brain won't ignore.

But night  time sleep has always been more of my enemy.

Often plagued with nightmares, the dark of the night amplifying them.

Making them larger 

More terrifying than they are.

The shadows produce by the night,  now monsters from my dreams.

The sounds so low and haunting, now the cries that escape my lips.

The darkness all around, leave me lonely and cocooned with dreams.

No escape from the thoughts that evade my head.

Or the feelings that cause my heart to race.

To go back to sleep will never happen.

The solution is the light the day brings.

So my house becomes awash with light,  trying to banish the demons within.

Eventually day light arrives.

With it warmth, the sun and the noise.

I blissfully  fall asleep as the sun rises.

In the arms of the rays of the sun.

 

Love and Huggles

 

2 weeks ago. Jun 21, 2020, 5:01 AM

Some days are just tough.

Stupid memories gate crash your head. 

Years of abuse come back to haunt you,

Their pathways a split in the frame.

You work so hard to ensure

That the foundations are strong and steady.

But sometimes you get too tired

To constantly check for the weak points that appear.

It feels like a constant battle.

That silently wages in your head.

And sometimes something happens. 

Which blows apart your foundations.

No warnings 

No hindsight.

No nothing 

Prepares you for the anguish you feel.

Often its no ones fault.

A trigger, a memory, an event.

Firefighting the best you have.

You learn to pick up pieces.

Repair the broken pieces tight. 

Making weakened areas

So much stronger than the last. 

Its tirering all this work. 

When at best you know it won't last.

You learn to pick up tips as you go.

Making things stronger than they were last.

Your tool box ever growing.

Your resilience shining through. 

They call you the survivor, a true warrior through and through.

But silently you just wish.

That maybe this repair may be your last.

The daily upkeep.

The constant checking.

Has its effect on you always.

Fighting unknown battles.

Ensuring positivity rules the roost.

You know you must go on, another day, another step going forward.

To the future they say, come on.

Its gets better they tell, 

Just keep going they chant.

You've done so well they cry.

But really it shouldn't have happened you cry.

I shoudnt have to be brave, to be strong. 

I shouldn't  have to be the warrior, to have survived. 

It shouldn't have happened at all i cry.

But what choice do I have?

To go forward is all I have.

For that child deserves to grow up, to be me.

She deserves happiness which she was denied 

So with each step forward I know i must go.

This battle alone i face.

Its not one I believe can be won or lost.

Just a movement 

A happening.

A forward facing achievement. 

Thats my goal.

Nothing more, nothing less 

 

 

 

 

2 weeks ago. Jun 18, 2020, 9:10 PM

I feel like a whirlwind of chaos.

The world spinning around me 

The noise loud, the wind blustering, everything around me is unrecognisable.

My breathing  loud.

As I stand in the middle of this chaos, of this storm.

The energy I can almost touch.

The uncertainty raging around me.

Swirling 

Yet I stand  still.

I am unaffected.

All that is going on around me i see, I feel, I hear.

But I stand still.

Where I stand is calm

Where I stand is quiet.

Where I stand is still.

I hear my breathing loud. 

I feel each breath I take, deep and meaningful.

I feel my heart racing.

Adrenaline surging through. 

I stand tall.

Above the sky is wild.

Chaos all around.

My world as I know it is changing. 

But i have no control over its outcome.

I crouch.

Feeling the power under my feet.

Knowing i have no choice but to wait it out.

Till the storm has finally been spent.

But for now I wait.

Ready.

 

 

 

Love and Huggles

 

 

3 weeks ago. Jun 12, 2020, 10:49 AM

Sleep falls heavy on my eyes desperately trying to stay awake.

Not  even I can fathom for what reason they fight.

Scared of missing out on something so important, that they feel a mere 8 hours of sleep can not wait.

Maybe over tiredness has battled inside, part of me so tired, sleeping on a pin would not be difficult. 

The othe part of me so awake that I almost feel wired, hooked up to an electricity supply, the tingling can be felt all over.

But maybe my mind  is unable to relax, to let go.

A million things goes round and round. 

No two thought alike, a common thread uniting them.

Unwilling to be separated they flow in and out. 

Finding no resting place in the many rooms inside. 

The more i try to relax,  to force the thoughts from my mind, the brighter they come.

Glowing so bright that sleep is physically impossible. 

I imagine a white room.

Each thought I allow to come through, to stay a while, to plead its case to remain.

Its then considered and filed away for another day, another time.

When time is on my side and wakefulness will aid decisions.

Each thought given due care and attention

Until the room is empty.

Bare.

I turn off the light.

The quietness once a distant hum makes itself known.

I settle. 

And let the silence gather around me.

Cushion me.

Before lulling me to sleep in its silent embrace.

 

Love and Huggles

 

3 weeks ago. Jun 10, 2020, 4:16 PM

I am unique.

I am my own person.

I neither seek for approval or disapproval. 

You either love me or hate me.

But this is my journey and mine alone.

I am in charge of writing the next chapter, I am in charge of opening the next door, I am in charge of deciding who I am.

This journey is one of self reflection.

As I walk along the path not everything makes sense. 

I see others striding purposely forward, confident in their step. 

I listen to them , wanting to know their story, wanting a bit of what they have.

The confidence, the comfort in their own skin.

I try it on for size but its not a one size fits all approach.

I shrug it off knowing its not me.

That cloak not fitting. 

So I carry on walking, talking and trying on approaches. 

Trying to find an approach that fits 

Someway to blend 

Someway to fit in.

But the more i walk, the further I go, the more i grow. 

I realise that this path I'm on.

That this path is mine.

Mine alone.

And with each step I take I'm growing into my own person.

I realise as I walk my step is more confident. 

Less and less do I need to approach others.

To try and fit in.

I'm becoming comfortable in my own skin.

I realise that looking for that box to fit in is not for me.

Looking for a label to define who I am in not necessary when who I am has always been inside of me. 

That I am uniquely me.

That there isn't another like me nor should there be.

That there is no box that I should be in.

No label to define me.

I walk my own path

Confident in the knowledge that I am who I am meant to be!

 

Love and Huggles

 

 

4 weeks ago. Jun 7, 2020, 2:07 PM

The day is grey, the sea a perfect reflection of grey, its tossing a perfect reflection of the turbulent clouds above it. 

The howling of the wind and the roaring of the sea, a symphony of nature. 

As I sit there on the edge, the wind whiping around me it almost feels protective in its embrace.

Wrapping me tightly its in blanket, letting me lean in against its power. 

The clouds so fast moving in the darkened sky. 

The energy frenzied. 

It catches my breath.

The rain  starts, driving hard downwards before the wind catches it spinning and swirling it.

The grass, its movement as one, refusing to be separated- mirror the movements of the wind.

The invisible wind only felt.

Its movement tracked through its affect on things around. 

The day feels angry 

Pent up.

Its release needed.

Its release imminent 

The sky then lights up, a fork of pent up energy released across the sky.

Then a  crash as nature growls in response, the sea roaring, and the wind howling.

I stand and scream.

My voice now one with nature.

A release so needed 

As it all comes to a head and I collapse to the ground exhausted  

My sobbing lost in all thats around me.

My cocoon of nature. 

 

 

 

 

1 month ago. Jun 5, 2020, 10:53 AM

I'm constantly changing, evolving, never standing still.

My life has taught me so much, most importantly the need to forever reevaluate, reflect and to  reacquaint myself with where I am, where I was and where I am heading. 

I've beguning to understand that i can't change my past,  that will be forever a part of me.

But it has made me who i am today. 

I'm proud of the me today.

I'm proud of how far I have come. 

I'm intrigued to see what lies ahead.

Excited by my future. 

But i know the need to continually grow. I want to know me better.

I want to progress emotionally, mentally and physically. 

There is so much I have denied myself. 

Mostly believing I didnt deserve it. 

But that isn't true.

My way of thinking is shifting. 

I'm learning to understand that if I dont believe I deserve it then neither will anyone else.

Our minds are strong and powerful things.

Capable of so much.

Yet often we don't give ourselves the chance to believe in ourselves.

Past hurts denying us of the ability to grow, deepen our own understanding of ourselves and form a new narrative. 

I know it isn't easy, but growth is not meant to be painless. 

It's  uncomfortable and awkward.

Because we are stepping out of our comfort zone.

But we will be stronger for it.

Like muscles need to tear to mend to be stronger, so must i.

Growth can't be painless.

So yes at times I'm left wondering. 

At times I have little understanding.

At times I can't see clearly. 

At times I may want to give up. 

But as long as I'm moving forward I'm progressing. 

 

Love and Huggles