I was a girl, maybe 10 years old. We lived in the country, and on the property was this old piece of farm equipment. Very much dilapidated, derelict, rusty, and to my child's mind, an evil looking contraption of rusted metal bits and torturous possibilities.
I convinced my brother to tie me to it.
I can still feel the scratchy twine he used to bind my limbs; the coldness of the metal pressing through my thin clothing. The thrill of feeling helpless and vulnerable. The feelings, not quite sexual, but deep, throbbing, and inexplicable.
Decades have passed since then, and during those years I've done my best to shove that girl and who she'd become into a tight, dark corner.
But Balance must be found in all things, and Balance has a way of righting itself. After many years, I find myself giving that girl a voice, dusting her off and encouraging her to feel, think, and explore who she might become.
How many of us have spent a lifetime denying who and what we are? I have. And now Balance has come charging in and is refusing to be denied. I'm left struggling to understand how the woman I've known for nearly decades has changed. I'm stumbling in the dark, trying to find the middle ground between my power-hungry, domineering, intimidating daytime self with the mom, wife, and most importantly, the submissive-craving masochist self who comes out at night.
Interestingly, by denying my true self, I've also been causing myself harm. My health sucks and I'm on a downward slide to nothing good. Balance - Balance is insidious and worms its way where you least expect it. Without even really knowing it, I'm taking better care of myself.
Is this the self-care everyone talks about? By accepting my inner self I'm doing this mythical thing called self-care? Hmm. I'll have to think about that.
I've always hated labels, but here are mine and I'm embracing them:
I am an alpha sub (alpha by day and sub by night and if I were in a group of subs I have NO doubt I'd be top dog so alpha sub for both meanings).
I am a masochist.
I am a mother, wife, professional.
I am a juggler of many things and I wear many hats, but I am hiding no longer.
Hear me roar--with your permission, of course, Sir.