Expectations are evil.
Part of the impetus, as I wrote hubby in a letter, was for me to shed the burden of expectation. To shed the burden, at least for a while, of control. Like many other subs (much to my delight), I have realized my need to unburden and to do this, I submit fully and wholly to hubby-turning-Dom.
He's taking to it well, and if not with enthusiasm, then at least with regularity and thoroughness. But last night, last night was wayyyyy off the mark and we've yet to talk about it.
I confess that part of the problem was that I had expectations. Expectations that I'd unburden, expectations that I'd release, expectations that he'd fulfill some of what I was lacking and craving.
And it just didn't happen. Full stop.
Rather than the dreamy delirium of subspace, I felt like it couldn't be over soon enough, and I hurried things along (as much as possible) to end it.
Yes, I'm going to have to confess all this when he gets home, but I have yet to reconcile in my own mind, how to deal with expectations. And you, lucky reader, get to follow along if you continue reading.
Expectations come from a place of control. They are an endgame, a goal. "I expect that x or y will happen," and you work toward that goal. That is still me driving the interaction.
But to drop those expectations is exceptionally hard. It requires trust in the other person, that they somehow intrinsically know what you need, it requires a certain mindset on your own part to force your mind away from choreographing the encounter, and it requires endurance to keep your mind from wandering to unpleasant Expectations Land.
It also requires communication; herein is where I believe I failed. I didn't fully communicate what I needed. I thought I did. But he interpreted it somewhat differently in a manner that was just way off the mark.
Ah ha! But by communicating what I need, is that truly sub behavior and mindset or just another way to control the situation? Ieee. This is complicated.
I don't care how empathetic one is, they can't truly and accurately read the situation perfectly all the time. I communicated (perhaps un-sub like behavior) and it backfired.
I'd truly love some insight. Is communicating what I think I need - just the broad strokes (ha ha pun not intended but appreciated) - an effort to control the situation or is it a necessary component? Do I leave it up to him (who has typically been at a near-total loss to read me accurately), or do we have a conversation in advance about what I hope, and he hopes, to achieve? How does this tie into expectations?
