Kitten's Enthsiastic Articles

A message I'll never send to my ex - purely venting exercise -

-----

What i would send -

You're a piece of shit, i don't wish for your death but i also wouldn't prevent it, i really fucking hope you hate my guts like you made me hate you, i worshipped your existence, your cock, your soul, your birthday, your breath at night, did that mean fucking nothing you absolute piece of garbage? You left me for fucking dead, i almost drowned myself in that stupid fucking apartment i didn't even want, i was living on nothing but beans and rice for 5 weeks before giving up and calling my mom, i got abused by her and Jason when i tried to live with them and now I'm in a fucking homeless shelter because you wanted to be a piece of shit coward when Jacobi got arrested, we could of figured out bills, we could of tried to fix things, i still loved you at that time you fucking garbage can, but now? 5 weeks with not a single check in, nearly a year with no check in, you're just a fucking coward, i can't believe i worshipped you like a god, i really thought you could be mine, i really thought we could grow old together, i really thought i could have a future with you, i really thought i could trust you, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SING ME TO SLEEP AND LEAVE ME CRYING ON THE FLOOR BY MYSELF - HOW FUCKING DARE YOU HOLD ME WHEN I WAS CRYING JUST TO VANISH WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST - I DON'T CARE THAT WE BROKE UP, I CARE THAT YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT TO SOMEONE WHO USED TO BE YOUR PET - i was supposed to be your world, cause you were mine you fuck ass - even when i was mad, i still wanted to be nice to you, even when you left me for dead, i still blamed myself, even when i loved you i still hated myself for trusting you.

These days you're dead to me and it can't ever change because my brain switched over. I hate you for making me hate you, i didn't want to hate you, i wanted a life with you you fucking idiot

I don't know why I'm even writing this, I'm worthless to you and apparently have been for longer than i realized at the time, but even i still remember April 29 - i bet you don't even care what that day used to be, i still remember December 24th, i bet you don't care about it anymore, i still remember our dates, but you were probably just going through the motions weren't you?

Did you ever fucking love me? Was it all a lie? Did you just get bored of me or lose interest in the sex?

My only regret is loving someone i thought was genuine

But you never fucking were, were you?

I'm glad you haven't contacted me, it gave me time to realize what a piece of shit you are

You aren't a Master, a sadist or a prince, you're a goddamn coward who ran the second life got hard

News flash dumbass, life was never easy

But I'm sure you'll run all your life

That's a lonely pathetic existence and i don't pity you

Frankly, you get what you deserve

Also - even setting aside the relationship, d/s and living together for years

WHO THE FUCK LEAVES ANOTHER PERSON HOMELESS ON PURPOSE

YOU'RE A FUCKING MONSTER

Are you entirely fucking devoid of empathy and a goddamn conscious?

I can't believe I ever fucking loved you, what a fucking waste of the years I wasted on you

------------------------

Figured I'd give a check in

Got away from my family last month ☑

Got to a shelter ☑

Got into their 90 day program ☑

Got a job ☑

Will work on income based housing applications next week ☑

.... But what do I do with my life? 

I genuinely loved Chris and now it's like I wouldn't blink if he got hit by a car

I'm still a hopeless romantic but it has no where to go

I'm in this weird limbo where I'm fixing things but still having no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life

I devoted my life to Chris

Now there is no Chris

The life plan feels empty

I wanted to get married and have kids and grow old together

Now I'm just floating in existence and dunno what to do with it

Like ya I'm achieving stuff but it feels like I'm just going through the motions

My love is exhausted

My mind is exhausted

My romance is exhausted

My body is exhausted

I'm beyond burned out and been running on empty for over a year

If anyone has questions about petplay / kitten play or bdsm history, all my previous blogs have tags now for easier navigation! 

I also have love letters to sadists and other various categories! 

Enjoy! 

🐱

Getting therapy twice a week for anxiety, depression, cptsd 

Getting meds for my mental health issues

Treated like a person who's real and actually matters

Just got a job secured

Start that in a couple days

Weekend shifts but roughly 865$ a month

I can fix things slowly with that

Got health insurance coverage

All the things I needed to fix, are actually getting fixed here... And no one thinks I'm stupid, no one is screaming at me, no one is demanding I work from home, no one is demanding money that doesn't belong to them, no one is snooping my bank account, no one is saying give me money or out you go

People ask how I'm doing

People ask if I tried this job and that

People ask me what I wanna have a career in

People ask me what makes me happy

People ask me what motivates me

People ask me if we can color stuff together or hang out and walk to the dollar store up the road

People treat me like a person

Something my family and ex boyfriend never did or completely failed to continue to do

It's sad but running to a shelter was the best decision I've ever made.. 

It's helping put my life back together.. 

In real lasting ways. 

Just wanted to let everyone know I made it safely to a shelter so I'll be okay

I don't  know what is with this year - first my ex nearly makes me homeless then I think I find stable ground moving back in with my family only for all 3 of them to nearly throw me on the streets twice in a week

My brother has been spiraling for several weeks now but claims it isn't his fault and is some how my fault when we barely interact and all I do on a regular basis is sleep, apply for jobs, go back to sleep and try to set up interviews

He also tried to gaslight me into telling me that my bleeding issues aren't real when it's been documented medical history since I was 18

I admit that yes, I got upset on two different occasions in 7 months and that was it, and it was only between me and my mom and we already talked stuff out and worked things out and moved on

But for some reason my brothers took that as a major war crime and constantly use it against me like I'm not allowed to be human, feel things, make mistakes and work on junk

But then Mom said something unforgivable and said I was just as bad as my racist neo nazi psychopathic dad

... I tried asking for specifics but no one could list anything outside "oh you sleep a lot and should help with dishes more" 

... I sleep cause the fatigue issues from anemia, this isn't a new thing, I've had it since I was 18

Then I tried asking what was a positive they have with me living here and they also couldn't list anything outside "we like playing board games with you"

... Is that really how little I mean to these people? 

I know my family is a mess, but I thought one of them maybe still had humanity left

But seeing as that isn't the case and I had to call the cops on my brother for screaming at our mom

I can't live here anymore

I have no where else to go and I feel like the shelter is my only option

I'm in the East Peoria area of Illinois if anyone would like to adopt a kitty, I'm still good with manners, chores and other junk despite my family exhausting my soul

And no I'm nothing like my dad, I actively try my hardest to be everything he never wanted me to be like inclusive and multitheistic and kind to others???? 

I'm a better person because I genuinely hate his guts and never want to be like him

I wrote something for my ex for therapy sake

It's mostly just venting and clearing the cobwebs

--------

I believed in you

-

Because for the first time, I thought you were my plan A, I thought I could trust you, I thought we would have children, I thought we would grow old together, the part of me that loved you, she loved you with her entire heart, but you never cared from the start, I'm still grieving the future lost, the belongings, the emotional and psychological trauma, the me who you almost made homeless and left for dead

Did those nights I held you when you cried mean nothing?
Did I also mean nothing?
Did those dates mean nothing?
Of course not, why would they
It's silly to trust the person you love and see a future with right?
I guess I was silly then
For trusting someone to be a father to children, go grow old with someone by my side who I thought was my best friend
I know you don't care
You never did
You were so convinced I would hate you
I tried my hardest to hate you
But it never lasted because that hopeless romantic still cared about you
But now?
I don't hate you
But you're dead to me
I only feel that way about 3 people
It's not hate
It's an emptiness where the romance used to be
Like a wilted dried out rose, it's just dead now
But you probably don't care about that either
You're a piece of shit narcissist who nearly stole my future and life from me
I nearly went bye bye at the end of everything...
But you wouldn't care
You'd probably blame me for it
Or you'd play the victim and say how you're the worst person ever
Ya well
Maybe you are
I always said you weren't but you frankly rivaled my psychopath of a dad so no. You are the worst piece of shit I've ever had the displeasure of knowing
You dismantled my sanity, my ability to make friends and new relationships
You were never a Prince
You were never a Master
You were never a good person
You were and are a piece of shit

It's been about 130 days since everything fell apart and I still have 7 to 10 years of extensive therapy I'll need to undo all the damage that you did

Thanks asshole

Cause I totally wanted to be psychologically struggling in my 40s

I believed in you
I believed in our future
I believed in the happiest I was trying to create
But you never did
And now that girl that loved you? You're dead to her and it's never going to change
Because once someone is dead to me
It's a permanent mental lock
But you don't care
You'll never realize who you lost
You'll just continue to use and hurt those who love you
What a pathetic existence you decided to live
You don't get my empathy, sympathy or pity, you get nothing but my silence

So how am I doing now? 

Ahahaha - terrible

Trauma is dumb, abuse is even dumber, ptsd is even worse.. 

It's been 80 days since everything happened yet it still only feels like it's been a week? 

Oddly enough, found a lot of new singers writing songs about shitty ex's, I guess the universe doesn't want me feeling alone.. 

But why are all of us hurting? Why can't we just be happy? 

Why do monsters, narcissists, psychos and others have to claw at our hope, love and kindness? 

We only have so much... 

It would run out eventually wouldn't it? 

Some say I'm strong cause I survived, but I still feel broken

Others say I'm strong for crying, but I still feel weak and embarrassed and like an idiot.. 

Others say don't blame yourself, you did your best with what you had - but did I? I don't know... I'm probably being too hyper critical... 

I've had 4 nightmares so far

1 violent panic attack in the middle of my sleep

So many nights I couldn't sleep and just stared at the ceiling or doom scrolling apps or just staring at the backs of my eyelids.. 

Insomnia is here to stay I guess

I didn't notice when it walked in but it's a resident now.. 

I think it's been two weeks since I've slept normal? 

Even writing this, I've been awake since noon yesterday?.. 

I probably have anger at the situation somewhere but I just feel so exhausted and sad and tired... 

I don't even have the energy to be angry.. 

I can call them bad people, I can call them names but I'm still crying trying to find all the pieces of my heart... They got scattered so far away in the dark... I'm still not even sure if I can find them all.. They were already scattered, then this mess just made everything worse.. I'm so tired.. 

I'm tired of being sad, of being lied to, of being abused, of being a physical or emotional punching bag for people.. 

I just want friends

I just want romance and love

I just want peace

I just want to sleep without crying into my pillow.. 

I know monsters target the soft ones on purpose but I'm too soft for this shit. 

I'm not okay

I hate them so goddamn much

They fucked me up so bad that I'm going to need so much goddamn therapy and medication.. 

I hate them. 

But I'm still crying even saying that.. 

I'm just so tired... Of crying... Of being hurt.. I just want peace... I want so badly to sleep without crying and shaking in fear.. 

Maybe I'll find it one day.. 

Hey guys, so some of you might be wondering what on earth happened after my last post explaining that I was basically abandoned in an apartment

Well it turned into a deeply traumatic experience (which I've already had several, this was entirely unnecessary and my ex is the worst pos I will ever have the displeasure of knowing) 

I was left starving in that apartment for 6 weeks, I had barely access to rice, beans, cans of tuna and hot dogs, the starvation was enough that now eating regular food is physically difficult and it takes me a really long time to finish eating as well as I had to be very careful with eating too much too fast and have had to be careful for weeks while I try to recover

So why did I stay in the apartment? Well I tried to handle the situation, be an adult, get a job, visit food pantries, I tried a lot of things but it wasn't working, the food pantries weren't open, the churches kept pushing back their food drive days and I was turned down from 25 different jobs 

I came very close to giving up on life but for a last ditch effort, I called my mom, she drove 16 hours with my brother and they got me immediately the next day

First week was sleeping on an air mattress but I now at least have a bedroom to myself with a proper bed and desk and what not

So I am safe - my brothers are awkward around me as we haven't seen each other for 10+ years and were mostly no contact but ever since I got here, they've been worried about me and making sure I am okay (which is confusing considering our past drama / trauma but hey I'll take it) 

What now? 

Well I'm still recovering emotionally, physically and psychologically, but it's a bit annoying cause the entire shit show with my ex made me wanna completely give up on the bdsm community cause our relationship started out that way (there's definitely a story there about the dangers of Dom's vs abusers somewhere but I'll write that article later when my mind isn't fucky) 

What I actually did - I trashed my 10 year collection of bdsm gear, outfits and supplies because it felt tainted and traumatizing to hold onto (especially since I got a majority of that stuff for him) 

 I kept some favorite things but that's about it, at the end of the day, it's just stuff and given most was already several years old, a new collection was already long over do, so that'll be a fresh start down the road

Relationship and romance - my brain wants to give up on society and go live on a farm, but since that's not exactly healthy or productive, I'm more putting a pause on things for quite a while, I want to be a healthy partner to people but I can't be that if I'm traumatized, in the middle of an identity crisis and going to take years to recover emotionally and psychologically. 

So what will I do? I'll still try to take care of myself, it's been about 25 days since I left the apartment, so it's still fresh and a mess mentally speaking, but I'll keep trying to eat, hydrate, bathe, yadda yadda, I live in a new state now so I gotta fuss with setting up doctors and everything once I'm a little more mentally sound, but I just wanted to say hey, I'm okay, (not really) and I'm alive so at least there's that. 

So due to my ex being a bigger pos than I imagined, I had to completely move and restart my life. 

After several job interviews going no where, I said f it and called my mom, she immediately came to get me so I moved 2 states away from my ex and I'm at least in a cozy house with access to regular groceries

Why my ex is a scum bag - through turning in my keys to the apartment people, we learned he had an entire plan to make me homeless, something I knew nothing about. 

He was getting into drinking and hiding stuff from people so I don't fully know what happened to him but I frankly don't care, no one deserves to be homeless, so to know the guy I wasted 7 years on was perfectly okay doing that to me, f him. 

A lot of me is traumatized and going to take a long time to recover and heal let alone trust someone again

A lot of me wants to become cynical, hateful and give up on the concept of romance and people as a whole

But I don't wanna give that pos the satisfaction of breaking me

He's done enough damage, I'm not losing my soul over this

I'm still heart broken and devastated by everything but then I got angry looking at my bank statements and how over the years, he only gave me 3 grand after begging for gas money for work or groceries, meanwhile i had sent him 12 grand over the years on top of buying all the furniture for the apartment because I thought he was someone worth loving. But no, he's just a lost sad pos who's now sleeping on his mom's couch and lost everything, including me. 

I have no idea how to start my life over from scratch, I almost don't even want to be a kitten again because that side of me is so emotionally exhausted

But I moved to a state that's lgbtq friendly / kink friendly, they have so much visibility here and it's helped me feel safer seeing all the flags everywhere. 

So screw the past, I'll make the best of this new chapter of my life even though I'm terrified of a lot.