Kitten's Enthsiastic Articles

Given, I still haven't found someone to assist me with that yet, I wanted to make a new post better explaining what I need

What I need: A Dom with at least 6+ years experience in the scene / with pets preferably who's emotionally stable, patient and can be gentle with me

A protector dynamic to help me with stress, tasks, accountability and self improvement while I heal from trauma mentally and emotionally

Preferred Dom types 

Sadist

Royal/Lords

Owners

Militant

Preferred zodiac signs

Aries

Virgo

Scorpio

Libra

Leo

Aquarius

My things - 14 years in the lifestyle / being a kitten, currently stray and recovering from trauma, can't date normally but still need care and support

What it is - beautiful

What it isn't - abusive

What it is - patience

What it isn't - rushing a dynamic and power exchange barely days after talking to each other

What it is - a reason to wake up every morning and try a little harder

What it isn't - emotional abuse after a failed task

What it is - taking time to carefully understand and put forth tasks that are realistically achievable and something that allows people to still be humans with flaws

What it isn't - getting angry and abusive because the put forth task wasn't completed

What it is - an intoxicating reason to live

What it isn't - something belittling 

What it is - safety and nurturing guidance

What it isn't - demanding perfection and lack of communication or boundaries emotional or otherwise

What it is - a frame work to grow as a person

What it isn't - a shame to use against another person

Fake Dom's are rampant at times and as a protector sub, I just want all the other subs to know the difference between abuse and a proper Dom 

Proper Doms are people I will never forget, people who push me even today to strive to be better than how I was

Abusers are not. 

And they are not welcomed in our community what so ever

Reflection of the past year to now

Last year wasn't just a bad year, it wasn't just instability, it wasn't even just traumatic issues one after another, it was being re traumatized, reprogrammed in a way I already broke from mentally like 10 years ago, and losing everyone I thought I had as a support system or at least people i thought still had human dignity and decency,

These days I'm bitter and cynical about them and want nothing to do with them, because if they were willing to endanger my life, they were never a support system to begin with

Let's start with my family, toxic neo nazis who hate me for not being one of them and my own mother saying my blood is dirty because I have my dad's blood inside me (but of course my brother doesn't count) and being their messy emotional lightning rod for nearly 19 years

Dad? Useless waste of space narcissistic neo nazi psychopath who tried to kill me multiple times

Mom? Useless clone of dad while being nightmarishly emotionally abusive

(Some people say she was actually worse cause dad was just mental and physical abuse and her bs did more damage) 

Brothers - useless siblings I thought would protect me cause they're older than me, left me for dead / wanted to abuse me like mom and dad

Extended family? Don't have contact cause they're not around / several States away / have their own lives etc

So my baseline since six years old was "I don't matter" and I was programmed to function that way on a deeply nervous system level

Cut to my adult years. 18 to 23 

Bdsm, care takers in forms of doms, reprogramming, pseudo therapy practices via scenes, sessions, impact play and emotional growth and support, 

I started healing

I started arguing with that narrative

I started rejecting it mentally

I started defending myself

I started gaining independence, confidence and body autonomy

I leave the abuse house behind at 24 for my ex

Cause i thought he was another care taker who would help me heal and grow as a person

The first couple years, growth, healing, jobs I enjoyed at work, work places I enjoyed being, responsibilities I adored, social communities, starting to make friends, going to events

Relationship drama - crying at work in the walk in freezer and my manager making sure I was okay emotionally for over an hour, we had paused truck duties because I couldn't pretend I was fine anymore, I wasn't fine, I was devastated over a stupid dinner my ex didn't appreciate, I was trying to off load the truck with him and started crying and had to leave, he chased me to the walk in freezer and gave me a juice and we talked for like an hour cause he was genuinely worried about me so I told him about the fighting me and my ex had the past week and so on

That manager was far more of a care taker than my own partner who was supposed to be that

But I know now he didn't wanna be that, he just wanted someone to fuck (his words during one fight) 

Today marks a year since the drama of him leaving me abandoned in the apartment

I don't remember what he looks like, my brain deleted so many files on him that I barely remember our relationship when we had happy moments, I sorta remember the waterfall date but barely.. I don't remember his face, voice, or much else cause my brain went cntrl, alt delete on his entire file just like it did with my dad

I also don't remember him either and haven't for years now

The other day marked a year since the last time I saw my ex also.. 

So what happened after he left me stranded? I at the time was unemployed, scrambling for job interviews, 3 a day at some points, nearly a job interview every day or every two days, I couldn't find anything, I got hired by ups but they went from 8 hour shifts to suddenly wanting 12 hours for 6 days a week which wasn't the original agreed schedule at all and I couldn't physically handle standing that long at a time

I showed up for the one day then never went back because I just felt so defeated like I couldn't even handle that insane of a shift

I still tried really hard to find something, anything, even my ex's mom tried to take me to multiple food pantries and was trying to figure out how to help me and was days away from taking me to a local homeless shelter and was worried sick for me / extremely appalled by her own son

His own brother beat him for leaving me that way and just told me to survive and take care of myself and I promised him I would

I also had the memories of past Dom's shouting at me to not give up all their previous progress in my healing journey

Cammy especially always pops up in the back of my head as a steady "keep going" figure

My therapist said they're pillers these days / parts of my brain that trigger encouragement and strength when the rest is struggling etc

So I couldn't give up on them.. 

Or our past progress

That was ours and mine

And my brain is still mine

And I refuse to stay in this stupid neighborhood mentally, Ive already been here, I already left here, I can do again, I just hate how arduous it's going to be to do a second time

Cause the way my ex left me, it shattered me mentally and reinforced what my family told me; "I don't matter"

These days people argue that I do, my new boss especially - "I don't care that you're shy, I care that you're honest, I don't fly with workplace bullying and bs domination, if someone hurt you, you tell me, no exceptions" etc

That was striking and cut through so much mental noise and wiring, (someone at work tried to bully me and he damn near went nuclear on them immediately) 

Meanwhile the regulars constantly tell me how I'm the best at cleaning and chores and how much they deeply appreciate that I make the building as clean as possible when there and several even offered hiring me for their company

I turned down the job offers cause I didn't understand the praise and didn't know them very well

But my cleaning is just my default from the high society grocery store where we had to be pristine all the time about everything, so its just a way to show respect for my old managers who looked out for me at the grocery store, even if I'm several States away, I still believe in energy and carrying them with me in a way, so I feel I owe it to them to do my job well no matter what, that's just a default they popped next to the other stuff doms had put in place and it fit right alongside their plug ins

But I'm still deeply traumatized and trying to heal, case in point, my air mattress popped last night and I couldnt fix it and my first thought when I woke up on the floor, wasn't, oh, it popped or oh I need a new bed now, granted that came later after i woke up, but my immediately first thought was "wow is Chris a piece of human shit and this is his fault Im even dealing with this in the first place and god I wish I could beat the shit out of him rn" that was my genuine first thought before logic me woke up emotional and trying to solve the bed crisis

I don't like that he made me hate him

I don't like that he traumatized me

I don't like that he nearly reversed years of grueling emotional and mental effort

I don't like that he took away my sweetness and left me extremely hateful towards him

But I know hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to effect the other person

I know I need to spit it up

I just don't know how

At least not yet

But I'm still trying to schedule sessions with my therapist

I still have homework therapy books

I still have 10 books I need to get from the book store to work in

I still have books saved on Amazon for more homework

I still already completed 4 major cptsd work books for the time being

I still have my last doms nudging me to be healthy cause they have standards and damn it so do I

So I will bury myself in as many homework books as it takes to heal from junk and try to be as cooperative with my therapist and her meds as much as humanly possible

Because I want to heal

It's my brain

I didn't let my dad have it

My ex doesn't get it either

Even if I have to rip down my own fortress walls

I don't care if it hurts

I just care that I heal

Now granted that's psychology self harm if I'm not careful but still, that's how pissed I am, cause I would rather destroy shit in the hopes of fixing something than stay this way

Some people wanted me to write how I'm strong and blah blah, I don't feel strong, I feel angry, violated and disgusted with the last year. And I don't wanna lie about it, but I don't plan to stay here mentally either if I can help it. 

Plus if I wrote something like that it would of been fake, and I don't wanna be that either ever again

Hi sweetie, are you alright? I heard the news that people are being super stupid again and trying to pass laws that says you're a bad kid, but you're not, and never were the problem, the issue is the people in charge of laws like these are dumber than a bag of rocks half the time. 

They're trying to "protect decency" but constantly fail to actually follow up on anything that would actually do that

But fear not, as a member of the kitten community, we have ethics and rules and one of which is protecting you guys, our puppy brethren also have protected your community in the past as well as multiple different biker gangs and leather clubs. 

You're still safe

You're still welcome here

And you still have people who will protect you no matter what. 

We already know you're not the problem

So if you ever need to breathe easier, always look for a pet type or leather member

We're family at the end of the day and if they wanna target one, they target all. 

That's how it's been for decades now

So no, you're not facing this big scary thing alone

We're right here. 

If anyone needs to vent or talk, feel free to reach out

The kitten community has a very long history of protecting people as do others in the community

We're here for you. 

Always. 

🩷🐈‍⬛

Reading always leads me to places... 

Like how Sadists aren't the issue, it's posers and actual psychopaths, I've had all 3 and it's always been members of the Sadist community that help me heal, recover psychologically and so on.. 

Spent several hours reading history things again, trying to understand why the hell we as a community have to hide in the first place.. It seems to boil down to the dumb puritanical culture we currently have and the messy Christian wars, but Sadists and kittens are two communities that have been around for eons. At least the 1400s for kittens and so on... And we always circle back to each other because I guess we make good pets for you introverted dorks (I say this with love) 

But now I'm a kitten with an issue and wondering questions about a possible protection dynamic

I'm still way too psychologically messed up from my ex to date anyone let alone have a Master, Handler or Owner, those take level of devotion and intimacy I just don't have right now, but I'm getting restless with being a stray as it's not something I do well with.. Some people thrive being alone, and, in some ways, I did, but, I'm exhausted, in the deep bone and brain ways and miss having someone to talk to, 

All I really do is go to work, come home, sleep, repeat, occasionally go to hardes or the craft store or grocery shopping

The loneliness is starting to drag me down

The quiet is starting to feel like a shirt I don't want to wear

It's not so much my depression spiking as it is absolutely a loneliness spike, and I argue, those are worse

Cause I'm just in a box with my thoughts

With no where for them to go outside these posts or my diaries

But I miss the structure

I miss having someone to talk to

I miss being nagged if I drank water (which I'm good about but it still feels nice to be reminded and shown active care and effort) 

The way my ex broke me I'm looking at several years of therapy before I can date someone again, and it's from 5 to 8 years of intense therapy before I'll be stable again (currently in therapy / constantly doing homework etc) 

I hate him for that because he broke what many of your community already spent tireless hours trying to fix and reroute and help me heal from

My heart wants the intimacy, comfort, devotion for someone and romance

But my mind is so deeply terrified of people

I can't even make friends with this mess

I laugh and talk with people but I hear how sharp, hallow and empty I sound.. 

And I hate that I can't fix this easily or right away

Cause I want friends, and an Owner who's happy to have me as their pride and joy

But I can't cause my brain is extremely at high risk of self sabotage and ruining things

And I don't want to risk hurting anyone emotionally because I don't wanna be toxic like my ex was

But it's getting murky trying to do everything independently

So I was thinking about maybe getting a protector, at least if anyone wants to have a kitten who's currently a messy work in progress, I can't offer devotion which feels like I broke somewhere, but ya.. Anyone wanna foster a kitty? I'm still a good one.. Just.. Rusty, neglected and traumatized, which is annoying. 

.... And by new friend I mean I somehow now have a buddy who's a hells angel.. 

I don't even know how the hell I pulled that off, not the first one I've met, but we were being idiots at work for weeks and suddenly today he drops the rank tats and shows me everything and it's like oh, okay, anyway I like this sandwich over that one (I'm not easily phased) and told him how I had a very colorful history with biker and thug people who I genuinely am greatful for and how I view most these days as the ones to turn to during bs

But it got me thinking, we're both part of a society that's never supposed to break code, but dumbass here is like hey wanna see my ink and I'm just sitting here like

There's no way this idiot is sharing this freely, this is important for some reason

So I plan to share my rank and lifestyle thing discretely next time I see him

Cause fair is fair and even I've been wondering what the hell the cross over is like and if he'd even understand

Like... Do bikers know about the lifestyle? Let alone the convoluted hell that is pets and our bs? 

He says he protects rock bands a lot so... Given tons of them are drenched in the lifestyle and regular dungeon goers.. Uh,.. He's probably aware of something, not sure how deep this rabbit hole is about to go but ya

Now am I being dumb as hell breaking our number one rule of we don't say shit to people? 

Absolutely

Granted yes I will be discreet and private and careful about it but ya

I never do this

Like.. Maybe once in a while or if people clock me in two seconds, which has happened plenty before

But this wasn't clocking, this was different, and now I'm fascinated by his bs

.... So ya the cat found the cat nip and ya I'm already drafting my eulogy to whatever sadist catches wind of this massive glaring transgression lmfao

Speaking of, how is you, hows your community, yall have been quiet and I can tell it's not an accident, yall are always plotting shit

But I noticed your community got extremely quiet lately and ya, I'm curious about that too, but I know better than to paw when you're busy at your world domination, or whatever you guys got going on

.... This is what happens when people leave animals unsupervised lmao

And god... I have been very very unsupervised at work.. 

Granted I do fine but ya

Funnily enough, the extensive research I did on Hell's angels did in help me learn something about myself too

Specifically, wtf is my rank, the cat bs has entirely intricate hierarchy structures

Big cats at the top, domestic at the bottom, 

Started reassessing my previous rank and where I've come since then and how I've changed and my prestige and past relationships and everything

Given my stuff, I've moved from domestic maincoon to still domestic but more independent Savannah cat

Not big boss energy, don't really care for that, but enough has gone down where ya.. I'm not as soft or domestic as I used to be.. 

Lately people wanted to date me too (not biker guy but attractive other people) 

And I'm just... Romantically and sexually frustrated cause I can't even date.. 

Cause God did I wanna say yes... I was weak, pulling pretty boys, cute hood types, beautiful types, gorgeous guys with beautiful long hair... And they treated me right too... It physically hurt saying no to them and having to explain I'm off the market because of needing therapy cause my ex was a fuckass

But then the biker dude had me deep in myself in thought... Like, I haven't done a lifestyle thing for... A minute... And it'll be a while before I even agree to be with a master again... 

... I probably need a protector first before intimate bs again.. 

But I was trying to figure out wtf I even am these days

... But seeing as I mopped up blood at work a while back... Ya.. Definitely not a house cat.. 

And history of exes aren't exactly regular people or safe people, not that I was danger seeking, but been with plenty of folks who did have caliber and their own credentials.. 

And given our ranks change based on several factors, ya.. Had to really reasses for a couple hours

Cause it was like, how in the flip fuck do I explain I'm not just a bubbly clerk and was specially trained for high society rich people bdsm? 

... That's not exactly something I can blurt willy nilly

..... If Cammy knew anything he would chain me to a wall and then lecture me to death I'm sure

But eh, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him and he's been screwing around in Europe for years now.. 

Still.. Not someone I wanna ever see down a dark alley

Biker pal was worried I would judge him and it's like haha, cute, ya no, you're not the bs that keeps me up at night like Cammy's ass does

Still wonder wth that guy even got up to these days.. But ya there's at least 3 past owners i would never wanna meet in a dark alley lmfao

But a hells angel bestie? Wee, that's so much more safe compared to the bs I've already 

Dealt with, biker pals are common at my jobs and we usually get along great

But I have to wonder if he already has suspicions yet or not

Meanwhile I am 85℅ convinced my boss already clocked me weeks ago and has been acting dommy as fuck with me, not in a bad way but absolutely in the high protocol military rules bs ways... Cause he slipped some of his own tells lately too and ya.. 

Can't ever escape you dorks can I? 

Cammy trained me too well and I'm even shotty these days and still clocked in public at random. 

Annoying... 

But oh well, not like I can suddenly leave after 14 years deep and still going

Am curious about the scene here and in Chicago but too busy and skittish to really reach out

Maybe I'll check out a pride event down the road or something.. 

We'll see... 

Sometimes I do wonder if I should poke the high society stuff again but God.. It's so mentally exhausting and classist and elitest and I got so burned out

But people still clock things and can tell my behavior isn't just "oh I grew up in the ghetto"..no, they argue about how I'm a lady and shouldn't be touching trash and proceed to argue that they should take the trash instead because I deserve that level of respect (I wish I was making this up) 

Im still dumbfounded by that.. 

I'm treated very highly at this gas station

It's kinda nuts... 

Is it me? My aura? My personality? I don't get it... I want to... But it's confusing me so much.. 

And God.. I hate being single, I want to date, I want to have fun, I want to tell those pretty boys yes but I can't and that's a special kind of agonizing hell. 

So instead, I got therapy work books, a cactus plant to raise and a projector to watch tv and took myself to dinner at hardes.. 

Cause I can at least romance myself

But god saying no to pretty boys makes me wanna eat the fucking drywall ... Like God, I hate this.. A cat in heat is not a happy cat, a cat not allowed to date is even worse

It's pretty quiet here, occasionally I'll hear a faint hum of someone's tv, idle chit chat down the hallway or someone's small doggy

Other than that it's rather quiet, peaceful and not much to bother me

I don't miss the loud as fuck hand dryer from the shelter nor the slamming of lockers

It's oddly quiet and I'm not sure what to think about that.. 

I did finally order my air mattress and will get that over the weekend, and a four foot teddy bear cause I can lmao. 

I get paid weekly and occasional over time so little by little I'll make this apartment a cozy home

Doing laundry today, the machine was pretty simple to figure out

Today at work though, I had someone hit on me and ask for my number

He was way too eager and probably just wanted to smash which I'm not about that

But it made me question, am I pretty? 

I mean I know I'm cute and I have curves and lost like 20 lbs but.. I've had 3 different hot guys tell me my eyes are pretty or asking if I had a man and it's like no? I'm working on myself? 

Some coworkers joked saying I should of let myself have fun

But sex without love and devotion feels empty and useless to me

I'm still someone who needs a connection before sex and wants to only have sex with the one I'm devoted to

I'm still healing tho.. 

I heard a saying "heal your wounds so they don't bleed onto others"

I say fully aware that I ran out of lexopro and had to move my mental health appointment to the end of April

(Shhhhh, if the sadists don't find out I'm playing hookie, what's the harm) haha.... 

... And I was supposed to have a therapy zoom call at some point but haven't bothered cause I haven't felt I really need anything? 

I feel mostly stable, a bit sad and bored but nothing major

... I say as if I didn't eat just rice and tuna last week and picked this week for soup because I feel so utterly lazy and don't wanna bother with the stove

I'll get better groceries soon, just trying to get used to everything again and ya fine, I am burned out emotionally

... And worked 49 hours.. 

Usually it's 32 to 36 but we had someone walk out so we all got extra hours.. 

I did finally get myself a pillow so at least I'm not sleeping on a stiff towel anymore

I'll have an air mattress, actual pillows, blankets and a teddy bear by the weekend

Just gotta be comfy until then.. 

.. And okay fine if someone wants to yank me for playing frogger today and almost losing, you can lmao... 

To be fair I genuinely did look both ways before crossing the street today and I was in the clear but then there was a van and they honked at me but I'm fine and carried on with my shopping

But given that intersection is a mess, ya, I'm done with that.. 

I just really didn't wanna bother with Walmart today so I waddled over to dollar tree instead

.. And ya next time I'll Uber

Oh ya, speaking of uber, between using that and the bus system, I have found pros and cons of both

Uber is usually 13 bucks, today they wanted 50. I said fuck that and waddled my happy ass up to the bus stop

Ya I was 15 mins late to work but my boss let me stay an extra hour and he's understanding since half his staff also uses the bus or walks there. So no biggie there

As for how I feel about the job, I actually don't mind the gas station.. They treat me right and customers really appreciate how bubbly I am.. 

They said I have a good work ethic but I'm just cleaning all the time cause I'm bored and there's several hours we don't have anything to do or anyone there? 

I saw one customer with an eternity collar a few weeks back.. I instantly smiled, over joyed they may have found their person and told them to take it easy in the snowy weather we had prior.. 

As for the neighbors, met a couple, it's mostly just elderly or disabled folks or others with ptsd like me who needed somewhere quiet to live

That's all I have for now. 

Been here a few days

It's quiet... Little hums of neighbor's tvs or one tiny doggy, not much noise beyond that

I don't miss the slamming of locker doors

I don't miss the loud as fuck hand dryer

I'm overjoyed I have a bathtub again

So far I was given a couch, a little dining table and two chairs, a microwave and some dishes

I got 3 blankets too which is cozy

Sleeping on the couch has been really nice

It's a nice couch

The shelter beds were really firm futon type things, not very comfortable

The couch is soft and I sink a little and cuddle into it and it's nice

The weather here has been all over the place

Hot one day, snow the next, tornado warnings, wind from hell etc

Used the public bus system I was trying my hardest to avoid using

The good news, it did get me from point a to point b a couple times

The bad news

You feel every pot hole

It is the bumpiest thing known to mankind

It made me 15 to 20 mins late to work

There's no seat belts and you're josseled around like hell

.... Ya, not really something I would recommend.. 

I still gotta use it a little as I got stuck in between pay days

Just 2 more days to go then I'll be fine

Thankfully my boss has been cool and understanding about everything lately

But I guess I'll confess that ya, getting the apartment kinda took everything for a second, in paid weekly so it's not a big deal but oof

So yea I'm living off rice bowls, ravioli and canned meat, but I have had juice and veggies for several meals so I'm trying haha.. 

The oats were too expensive here and I didn't really wanna live off oatmeal lmao

But I've been making snazzy rice bowls for cheap so I'm trying to make sure I'm alright

And I'll get real groceries once pay day lands

Lately I've been better about taking my meds and doing my skin care

Even took care of my feet

I can tell I lost a lot of weight though.. 

My curves are extremely pointy and my thighs got thinner. 

I know I was like 315 lbs at some point last year, then 305 lbs, then 295 lbs, then 285 lbs so I think I'm like 275 lbs ish currently? I'll have to get a scale and see... 

Between last may and now... It's been a lot.. 

My brain lately feels like

Last May feels like it happened 6 months ago

Living 6 months at mom's feels like it never happened

Living 3 months at a shelter felt like 3 weeks

And honestly.. I feel like I was fake living at the shelter... Like some days it felt obvious I was acting and wearing a mask and other days felt genuine.. But the "friends" I made... Were we even friends? It felt shallow and surface level even coming from me, no real deep connections.. Everyone was like oh you gotta visit some time or invite me for dinner and I was like haha ya....... Probably never gunna actually happen.. Others are like, give yourself time, you'll make friends.. And I'm just.. Over it?... I'm still healing from bs, and grieving things and I feel like I'm being a rude person by not wanting to make friends... I want to but I'm so exhausted and burned still that I genuinely can't right now.. I wish Arkansas never happened..

I should be asleep right now but nooo, my brain is trying to figure out groceries and bills and furniture and god, can someone just Dom me for 5 minutes and remind me wtf breakfast and lunch ideas are 

I figured out rice and tuna for dinners for a week.. (Shush, I know it's not healthy, we gotta go super cheapo here for at least the first week) 

But I can't for the life of me figure out cheap breakfast or lunch that isn't bread and hot pockets

So open to any ideas that are cheap that I can make on the stove easily

(And someone should tell me to stop obsessing over math) 

It's an apartment that's 30℅ based income in a good / quiet neighborhood

I move out of the shelter this coming Tuesday

Been at the shelter over 80 days

Feels like it was 3 weeks

Feels like a fever dream I finally get to wake up from soon

Living with my abusive family for 6 months doesn't even feel like it ever took place

I'm already forgetting what they look like

I forgot what my ex looks like.. 

I'm still crying over the bs

But I'll have my own place soon

It'll be empty for a bit but I'll make it a home for me and myself

It's still a lonely feeling not having anyone with me

But I'll focus on me to the best of my abilities

I just, I really dunno what to do with my life now

I was gunna get married and have kids

That went down the drain

Now what? 

I dunno.. 

It feels like I'm floating through life but I'll just take it one day at a time

Still crazy to think I survived this far let alone handled the shelter craziness