Everyday I have the opportunity to learn something or change my perspective, it I just takes a minute to slow down. I am going to choose to slow down and see what is going on, choose how to respond from a positive perspective. Give hope a chance to float up. Some of this post was started over the past weekend and with time (like waiting a few days to post something) I think I can come back to earth and see things a little more clearly. (I so wish I had a pause button for real time life) Let me be clear there are days when I mistake hurling out of control straight for the sun with healing. Sadly (when its happening) I can't even feel it burning until it is to late. I have gone to far. This next part was written over the weekend with the words in parentheses being my thoughts.
I haven't written much here so far but to be honest the support and comfort from the other subs and Doms (no funny buisness I promise) really has been amazing. The last few days have been fairly trying. Feeling lonesome, lost, scared, and hopeless, add in angry at my ex for always knowing when I am doing better (or at least think I am doing better) and finding a way to squash it is, oh which word describes it? As much as it sucks, it puts the fight back in me. (wait put the fight back? Isn't that what I am trying to stop doing) Welcome back me; whoo hoo let's do this. (Oh shit here we go falling off the precipice this time. Hitting the ground is going to hurt) It's almost like having life breathed back into you. (Nope it puts the naughty, untrusting, stubborn protective armor back on) Not that being angry is life but getting a little push (the push to see the crap for what it is "crap" and learn how to see it faster for next time maybe?) to be able to get back in the game I think is a good thing. (Oh how a day between writing a post can change your view. LOL WTF!) (I know my inner thoughts in quotes can be confusing but to my broken mind they make sense of a bigger picture to look back on.) My flesh, my mind, and my heart are often at war. My flesh can be fast to respond to many different stimuli, my mind takes a little longer, my heart.....well if that gets involves and all three are in agreement shit can be amazing. Good or bad it doesn't matter I will become a force of nature. (I have a love hate relationship with that part of me)
I mentioned in a previous post about a Dom that wanted to own me as a slave after 5 minutes. I am no slave. The amount of strenght that takes is not in me. He did however in the very short time I was getting to know him teach me a few things. One that I keep thinking of is the time he had me take all of my clothes off and stand in the Wonder Woman position. No pictures just do it. As uncomfortable as I was doing it at the time, I have done it since then a few times. Why you might ask. Because it made me feel strong, submissive and obedient. (the visual of that is a little funny to me because it is so out of character.) Crazy shit right? Naked and Strong. Normally I would be naked and ashamed. (Maybe that could be a new hit show on discovery?) Oh the lessons from childhood of nakedness equating to shame. I digress...that will be for another day to bring into the light.
I have recently stumbled on a blog that I have been reading. I am not sure if I can share the information but it is pretty amazing so I am going to. It is the alphaandkat.com blog. The insites and parts of their life/journey that they share make me long to find my Him, My Dom. The Gentleman, Daddy, Protector, Lover.... So many of Alphas insites are what I desire in my Dom. I found this post because it seems that I run across a lot of what a submissive is supposed to be. My question started being what is a True Doms responsabilities? Fufilling his needs, desires, wants? Is it all about him? I have been fortunate to have found some fantasic people to answer questions, guide, and even help me in small ways find and feel what I am looking for. But can I have something that is just online. I don't know. That is something I have thought about a few times recently.
The last few days I have been pushed around like a peice of paper in the wind. Never knowing where I was going or what way the wind would take me. I was out of control. I had one very special person offer to be an anchor for me to talk to and lean on. That is a huge part of that I need. I am so many things but I have scars like I have said before. Maybe they are deeper then I thought. Maybe what I thought was strenght wasn't actually strength? I have doubts and fears, as a submissive I am a fetus. Everyday is a learning curve. I need more than I thought I did from the Him, The Dom I choose and that chooses me, MY Sir. Having someone that can weather the times when I am out of control, loving me in spite of it (unconditionally), staying calm, being an anchor, and helping guide me when I finally come back to the ground with love and caring is not just what I want. It is what I need. In return I want to give all of me to Him. The good, bad, and the crazy. I want to be more than my past and my scars.
I have learnd a few new terms over the past few day also. One that seems to strike a chord with me is Sub-Drop. A psychological occurrence that affects the submissive. It creates mental and emotional trauma that can cause occassional negative thoughs all the way to subs leaving the lifestyle. The most simple way to put it is that it happens when a Dom doesn't understand their responsability and is to immature to understand that the submissive is the real treasure in the relationship and they (the Doms) are focused on their own wants and desires, instead of keeping their submissive safe and protected at all times.
Safe, protected, and trust beyond the physical is what I long for. As I have said, flesh responds to many forms of stimulus, the mind a little less, but the heart: my heart needs to be and feel safe, protected before it can open up. If I don't have those things and someone demands more then they deserve, I become a force of nature, a fire storm, fierce and terrifying to protect myself. I will become the Submissive Warrior Princess and woa to the man the that crosses that line and brings her out. Not suprisingly she will come out and defender her/their lifestyle just as fiercely.
I am more than my scars and I want more from this life then I had. I am a naturally submissive woman. I believe that I am designed to be with Him. He will be that part that completes me. All of the experiences that I have gone through, endured have been preparing me to see, and be with Him. Which allow Him to be who He truly is........Us.