Ramblings of a broken mind

It has been a while since I have been here, been me, or written anything. It seems like when things get busy one of the first things I stop doing is taking care of me. I would like to say I’m done with that but I’m a fixer. I can’t help myself. I NEED to fix all the broken things. Is it possible I do that to avoid fixing me? Maybe. 
If that were the case I would guess I would see things in myself that need fixing. But I don’t. I actually like who I am. Do I love all my choices…. No, but I roll with where they take me.
It’s funny I listen to people talk about all the things they are going to change or fix as a New Year’s resolution. I can’t help but wonder why. Why do people think they need to change or be fixed. Why not embrace who you are, the whole you, “flaws” and all. Are flaws really flaws? Or are they parts of you that make you interesting to the right people?

Additionally, why do people only say positive thing’s around the holidays? Why not say what you really think? Let me start.

On New Year’s Eve here is what I might say. 
Fuck this New Year. Actually fuck last year too. I hope when the shit hits the fan you have an umbrella so only a little gets in you. When shit goes sideways stop asking why me….the answer is Why not you. If a shit storm is coming your way pray that the wind shifts direction and you only get a little splatter. Life is not supposed to be easy. Getting through the hard crap makes the rest worth it.

I am not saying things to get attention or find someone to save me. I don’t need attention or to be saved. I actually like who I am. I am however open about who I am. I am not a great person. I am actually dumpster fire. If you think I am a nice person odds are you haven’t pissed me off or somehow you have escaped my wrath. Be glad you were able to avoid that. I believe in vengeance. Not vengeance like the movie’s portray but actual vengeance. It’s about the small things that make life miserable. A flat tire, a missing wallet, that feeling like something is off and the hair in the back of your neck stands up……that’s is me plotting, planning, watching and executing the long game. 

ok so maybe I do have something positive to say. To all the wonderfully misunderstood people, embrace who you are. Stop trying to be what others think you should be. Live who you are everyday. You would be surprised by the amount of people that have been waiting to meet you.

If I could spend everyday learning I would. I want to know as much as I can about just about everything. I keep reading all of these blogs. Whether they are real or not does not matter, it has shown me that at least someone other than me had these same thoughts and desires. Can you have it all? I don't know. I never have. I am not complaining but it would be nice if just once I could evolve as a person via a revolution instead of by evolution. 

It's like being caught between two different worlds all the time. Who am I? Which version of me am I? Well let me describe myself with no labels and when I am done what description fits.

1. I am in charge of myself at work.

2. I have a successful career.

3. I am a woman in a mans job traditionally.

4. I am in control of all areas of my life.

5. I am independant. 

6. I am intelligent.

What do I want?

1. I want to be a woman and embrace my femininity.

2. I want to find a man that is stronger than me.

3. I want to give up control to someone that can be trusted.

4. I want to be vulnerable with someone.

5. I want to be protected, bound, fucked hard, then held and told I am beautiful.

6. I want to be someones every desire.

7. I need to please.

So who am I? Little, submissive, slave, bottom....... I guess I will see where this evolution takes me. 

Everyday I have the opportunity to learn something or change my perspective, it I just takes a minute to slow down. I am going to choose to slow down and see what is going on, choose how to respond from a positive perspective. Give hope a chance to float up. Some of this post was started over the past weekend and with time (like waiting a few days to post something) I think I can come back to earth and see things a little more clearly. (I so wish I had a pause button for real time life) Let me be clear there are days when I mistake hurling out of control straight for the sun with healing. Sadly (when its happening) I can't even feel it burning until it is to late. I have gone to far. This next part was written over the weekend with the words in parentheses being my thoughts.

I haven't written much here so far but to be honest the support and comfort from the other subs and Doms (no funny buisness I promise) really has been amazing. The last few days have been fairly trying. Feeling lonesome, lost, scared, and hopeless, add in angry at my ex for always knowing when I am doing better (or at least think I am doing better) and finding a way to squash it is, oh which word describes it? As much as it sucks, it puts the fight back in me. (wait put the fight back? Isn't that what I am trying to stop doing) Welcome back me; whoo hoo let's do this. (Oh shit here we go falling off the precipice this time. Hitting the ground is going to hurt) It's almost like having life breathed back into you. (Nope it puts the naughty, untrusting, stubborn protective armor back on) Not that being angry is life but getting a little push (the push to see the crap for what it is "crap" and learn how to see it faster for next time maybe?) to be able to get back in the game I think is a good thing. (Oh how a day between writing a post can change your view. LOL WTF!) (I know my inner thoughts in quotes can be confusing but to my broken mind they make sense of a bigger picture to look back on.) My flesh, my mind, and my heart are often at war. My flesh can be fast to respond to many different stimuli, my mind takes a little longer, my heart.....well if that gets involves and all three are in agreement shit can be amazing. Good or bad it doesn't matter I will become a force of nature. (I have a love hate relationship with that part of me) 

I mentioned in a previous post about a Dom that wanted to own me as a slave after 5 minutes. I am no slave. The amount of strenght that takes is not in me. He did however in the very short time I was getting to know him teach me a few things. One that I keep thinking of is the time he had me take all of my clothes off and stand in the Wonder Woman position. No pictures just do it. As uncomfortable as I was doing it at the time, I have done it since then a few times. Why you might ask. Because it made me feel strong, submissive and obedient. (the visual of that is a little funny to me because it is so out of character.) Crazy shit right? Naked and Strong. Normally I would be naked and ashamed. (Maybe that could be a new hit show on discovery?) Oh the lessons from childhood of nakedness equating to shame. I digress...that will be for another day to bring into the light.

I have recently stumbled on a blog that I have been reading. I am not sure if I can share the information but it is pretty amazing so I am going to. It is the alphaandkat.com blog. The insites and parts of their life/journey that they share make me long to find my Him, My Dom. The Gentleman, Daddy, Protector, Lover.... So many of Alphas insites are what I desire in my Dom. I found this post because it seems that I run across a lot of what a submissive is supposed to be. My question started being what is a True Doms responsabilities? Fufilling his needs, desires, wants? Is it all about him? I have been fortunate to have found some fantasic people to answer questions, guide, and even help me in small ways find and feel what I am looking for. But can I have something that is just online. I don't know. That is something I have thought about a few times recently.

The last few days I have been pushed around like a peice of paper in the wind. Never knowing where I was going or what way the wind would take me. I was out of control. I had one very special person offer to be an anchor for me to talk to and lean on. That is a huge part of that I need. I am so many things but I have scars like I have said before. Maybe they are deeper then I thought. Maybe what I thought was strenght wasn't actually strength? I have doubts and fears, as a submissive I am a fetus. Everyday is a learning curve. I need more than I thought I did from the Him, The Dom I choose and that chooses me, MY Sir. Having someone that can weather the times when I am out of control, loving me in spite of it (unconditionally), staying calm, being an anchor, and helping guide me when I finally come back to the ground with love and caring is not just what I want. It is what I need. In return I want to give all of me to Him. The good, bad, and the crazy. I want to be more than my past and my scars.

I have learnd a few new terms over the past few day also. One that seems to strike a chord with me is Sub-Drop. A psychological occurrence that affects the submissive. It creates mental and emotional trauma that can cause occassional negative thoughs all the way to subs leaving the lifestyle. The most simple way to put it is that it happens when a Dom doesn't understand their responsability and is to immature to understand that the submissive is the real treasure in the relationship and they (the Doms) are focused on their own wants and desires, instead of keeping their submissive safe and protected at all times.

Safe, protected, and trust beyond the physical is what I long for. As I have said, flesh responds to many forms of stimulus, the mind a little less, but the heart: my heart needs to be and feel safe, protected before it can open up. If I don't have those things and someone demands more then they deserve, I become a force of nature, a fire storm, fierce and terrifying to protect myself. I will become the Submissive Warrior Princess and woa to the man the that crosses that line and brings her out. Not suprisingly she will come out and defender her/their lifestyle just as fiercely.

I am more than my scars and I want more from this life then I had. I am a naturally submissive woman. I believe that I am designed to be with Him. He will be that part that completes me. All of the experiences that I have gone through, endured have been preparing me to see, and be with Him. Which allow Him to be who He truly is........Us.

I try not to be much of a whiner but when does the ache go away when a deep relationship ends? In all of my guarded life I have NEVER looked back at a relationship as much as I have in the past few days. 2 months ago I was a strong, emotionally independant, hard, snarky, and sassy woman with a sharp tongue. Now I am a little girl standing lonesome in the middle of the road waiting to be found by the one I lost. WTF. Here is one of those times when I look back and think to myself lesson learned. I will be stronger, better and more confident when the ache is gone.

Scars from the past feel like they have been picked open. However, I have felt what I want in a D/s relationship. Lesson learned.

With a little time I will move forward as a confident submissive with a clearer definition of what I am looking for.

How many times do we stand on the precipice looking back at what was, then forward to what could be? Behind me I see different areas of my life in small little peices like a puzzle. Some are beautiful, some breathtaking, some are blank and dead, and some are just ugly. Then when you look forward you see all of the same things. When does going back to the familiar, the known, the devil you know become so unbearable that you step forward and embrace the fear of the unknown? For me I was living like that, on the precipice every day not being able to be better then I was. The devil I knew was more familiar and seductive.... oh how easy would it be to just stay....The familiar lies I would tell myself, it will get better, it can't be like this forever, I can make it through this. I lived that vcious circle for a long long time. So many times I chose the devil I knew. For me it was when I couldn't stand feeling empty anymore that I realized I had to choose. I choose to be happy or content, I choose to try and see the good in people, I choose to be positive.......all of that sounds great right? It would be if life didn't have to be so unpredictable. (wait isn't that what makes it fun?) 

I have known for a long time that I am a submissive. Apparently the BDSM test would agree with that idea. But no matter what I read I still was struggling with what does that mean? It seems there is a general description of what a submissive is which I view as a guideline. In my opinion and some others that I have read being a submissive is different from person to person. My definition is likely very different then the next persons, and that is ok. I am going to march to the beat of my own drummer. However some of my thoughts might be a little off.

I described it to the very first Dom/Master that thought he should own me after 45 minutes of texting. Ohh his confidence and attempt to be Dominant was appealing. My desire to please in the end could be a downfall for me.

I was new to the scene and googled an adult chat room. (lol be careful when you do that.) Here's me, way to naive to be going into a place like that looking for something that I can't even explain. What a shit show that was. The very first question I was asked by a "Dom"....."Is cunt owned?" Well yes by me. Question 2. "Who owns cunt?" Well I suppose that would be me again. I shave it, wash it, wipe it.... yep me. Finally I get "How are you?" All I can think to myself is pardon me? Were you just polite? hmmmm. maybe I shouldn't run quite yet....I think I might be able to learn something here. So we started talking. One other Dom was able to get past the first few texts that I didn't tell off. We will call the "insecure whiney" and "Are you for real". Insecure whiney had enough perseverance to make it an entire 45 minutes of my incessant questions and incoherant description of what i was looking for. I am looking for someone stronger then me. (pretty vague) I am tired of being in control of everything. (that's a little better right) I want to be bound and used. (Whoop there it is) From that moment the pressure was on to see how far I could be pushed. Apparently I did well enough because I was offered a collar right there then told to take it. (really? Are you serious? You barely know me.) So not knowing any better I wouldn't take a collar but would be obedient until I felt comfortable to take a collar. I did learn a lot from "insecure whiney" in the time I was getting to know him. I like to please. Wait no I need to please. One more time pleasing gets my wet. Really wet. like go wash yourself up wet. Hmmm This went on for about a week and I realized that I am not what he wants nor was he what I want. (I did learn some things from him that I will share later.) I explaind it to him like this. I am submissive and I want to please but if I feel that I am stronger than you I will become a hunter and you will be the prey. Yikes!!! I apologized for wasting his time due to naivety and let him know that we are not a fit.

Now I have texted a few words here and there nothing substantial, more small talk then anything with "Are you for real". At first I didn't really pay much attention. He was a very subtle Dom. Sweet, respectful, kind.... here is comes.....soft. BOOM You have hit the friend zone hard dude. I bet there are things I can learn from you though and you are quite intellegent...hmmm that is attractive... lets keep talking to get to know eachother. Still in the friend zone though. After small talk texting for a few days he asks about lingerie. Well I am a granny panty wearing comfy bra kind of girl. Fresh out of a marriage with a giant can of "Fuck Off" to share with everyone. But I answer the question anyways. Nope I don't have lingerie, no stocking, tights, garter belts, nothing. He asks if I ever go without panties. Nope I don't want my vagina to freeze. His response "Do you have any tights?" The answer is the same as the lingerie question nope that is not something I would buy. His response "Well you should have some to keep you warm in the cold." Double take what? Did you just imply something like I should go buy some? I say "that isn't something I would spend my money on" his reply was something along the line of "If I was your Dom it would be my job to take care of you" HOLD the PHONE. That was really sweet. Awe even I had to take note of that. 😄 Of course he had my email address because that is how we found eachother on a different social networking app. So we talked for a while that night. Very nice conversation. Nice being the kiss of death most of the time. I used to get bored with nice guys when I was young.

I went to bed and that was that, I will likely never see this guy again. Let's check my email as usual. Crap, junk, advertisements.......wait what is this; the subject reads "bet you didn't think I would remember". If this is a phishing scam I am about to jump in. Open the email and it is a gift from him! WTF!! It is a gift certificate for some warm tights! Are you freaking kidding me? Stunned. Seriously I was stunned. I didn't actually think that he would forget, I thought he was full of shit trying to play me. What is this very strange feeling I have.... gratitude? Shock, Awe, Wet? Yep all of them plus a double dose of WET. hmmmm so this guy actually gave enough of a shit about me to get me tights so I can be warm? You might be asking yourself if I did anything to get him to do this. Nope I didn't ask, give pictures, money, hand job, nothing. This is new...

Here is my introduction to the Gentleman/Daddy Dom. Here is part of what has been missing in my life. I spend so much of myself caring for others that I forget to take care of me. And this guy that I hardly know does a better job at taking care of me then me. Lets talk. I am so greatful that you have my full attention. (We are not talking expensive tights more like 3 pairs for $20 but still nice ones that aren't super cheap) After a long while of getting to know eachother he mentions wanting me to be his submissive.... why are my panties so wet. Did I spill something. Nope I am Hot, Wet, and Wanting!! My confusion must have been apparent because he noticed. He never pushed which was great. He helped me come to my own conclusions about what I wanted. He would just gently remind me sometimes that he would be honored to have me as his submissive. I was shocked and overwhelmed that I found myself thinking about him all of the time. Still no pictures, video, or any other requests. Just getting to know eachother. Limits, boundaries, past experiences, everything you can think of. This is the single most intamate relationship I have ever been in. All II can think about is how to please this Dominant man. I will be the first to admit I didn't see his strenght at first. But eventually did. He had a name he would call me and I would do just about anything he wanted. All I could think about was pleasing him. 

I asked him how becoming his submissive would happen. Do you ask m, do I ask you.... What is protocal here. I am to formally request him to accept me as his submissive. Sounds reasonable to me. About a week after that I formally ask. Now comes the fun part!!!! Yep we are talking orgasm after orgasm after you guessed it soul searing orgams. I am long past being in lust with this man. My Sir. 

Then the untinkable happens. I am a good girl and do everything I am asked/told without question or hesitation. At this point I am already thinking of things I can do to suprise him. What kind of lingerie to buy for me to wear for him? I must be broken. Three days go by and I haven't heard from him...now four.... now 6.... on the 7th day (feel kinda like something biblical is about to happen) I am released. Remember that precipice in the beginning of the story? I stood there in my best wonder woman pose and lept off. I chose to submit! Me! Pigs are flying somewhere. Now I am being released. He explains that he has become very busy and will not have the amount of time I deserve to spend with me so he is releasing me. If after the Holidays things slow down he will come back and find me. If I am in another situation he will understand. I choose to believe that he did it because I deserve more. But part of me fears it was me. What i am quite sure of is that I will not see him again.

So now I have to again figure out what submissive means to me.  

I am strong, I can be a hunter when necessary, but being obedient is what really gets my motor going, allowing someone else to take control of part of my life but not all of it..... Maybe that is what being submissive means to me. A submissive is many things.

Like the name of my blog/journey. The words the ramblings of a broken mind have been with me for years. Always being told that I need help, I need to be fixed, there is something wrong with me. Why? What is wrong with me? Who gets to choose who i should be and what the norm is? I don't think like the masses? Who says what the masses think? Maybe I just say what they think outloud?

If I had some sort of self-destructive mental illness maybe then the people that told/tell me that would be right, but I don't. (please don't judge me when I say that, I have a high functioning autistic and schizotypal son, a bipolar I ex husband, and a child that suffers from severe anxiety that has come out as a F2M transgender boy. Got his name legally changed last week. Me? I have narcolepsy. Neuro-typical or typical is not a part of my life. I have nothing but respect for all people. Well maybe not ass-hats) Different is my normal and I do not strive for normal or to be like everyone else. I want to be me. March to the beat of my own drummer. I only get to live this life one time so why not do it my way? Finally after so many years I want to be free. 

Who am I?

Mother, daughter, career woman, friend, hunter, prey, submissive....

Maybe....all of them.

For the first time in all of my years of life I am taking a step forward for me. Hopefully acknowledging, writing, sharing my life, experiences, my journey, I will be able to see not only the path that I have walked but the path I need to go. I would not change any of the horror that I have lived sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse and abandonment. Those terrible experiences have made me the strong, independant, fierce, and intelligent woman I have become. I like who I am and am excited to see who I become.

A number of months ago I told my now ex husband that after 15 years I couldn't do it anymore. I am tired of not being good enough. And all I could think about was a quote I heard in a movie "Beginnings are usually scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up, and it will."

I am at the beginning; hopeful, cautious, willing, curious, strong, and most importantly free to be me.