Plain Jane

So today something happened to me. I have about a gazillion feels running though my mind and body. 

so I have been cooking for this man who is a friend of a friend of mine’s family. I hope I explained that right. But anyway I go buy the groceries then take it home and cook the meals. Then I pack it up and take it to him. He’s always paid for the food and then paid me a few dollars. I’ve always thought of it as being nice and just helping someone. Well my friend saw what I was cooking for him and then asked how much he pays me. I don’t mind and I told her. She blew up like not a little like a firecracker. I don’t understand and told her he didn’t have to I always let him pay what he could afford. I mean he lives in a junkyard. 

that was not the problem she said. She looked at me and got mad again. I was like what’s wrong I don’t understand? She took a deep breath and said you’ve spent 6 hours cooking and I don’t know how long shopping. Then you pack it up and deliver it. I said yes. She said your cooking him amazing meals and what he is paying you is not right. I told her I didn’t set a price and it was fine I didn’t mind helping people. She then told me never mind. Today as usual I took the food over but then when he paid me I had to tell him that’s way to much. He then insisted that I take it.

My friend had called him and told him he was taking advantage of me. She then called me and told me that he was very rich and choose to live that way and that he was not a poor money wise old man. He was very finically well off. And at no point was it ok for him to pay me what he had been paying. 

now I have never in my life had someone stand up for me like this. To me this is very new territory. She made me feel well I’m sure because it’s new. I’m so very confused and I have cried almost all day. It isn’t about the money I enjoy helping people and I would do it for free but that’s not the point of this blog today. It’s how, I’m not sure really my feeling on this but someone standing up for me I guess protecting me is new. She may just be a friend but oh honestly I don’t know I’m so confused and have a gazillion feelings running through me. I can’t even imagine having a man care this much about me. These feeling are new to me and sure how to take it. But I wish everyone this safety security feeling or even maybe just the feeling that they matter in life. 

Today I discovered I’m a cracked water pot. Yes i can admit that. And you know what I am totally ok with it. You maybe asking yourself is this person nuts? 

no I am not nuts. You see I leak water as I’m carried. When I leak water I water the flowers. So even though I’m not perfect it’s ok because I spread a little happiness. 

and let’s face it isn’t that what this world is all about spreading happiness? 😊😂😂😂

Do you think when we pass and go to heaven we get to have sex 24/7 if that’s what we want? Like do spirts have sex? 

Just a random thought. 

So as the new year roll is in. And today being number ONE. I thought it was a good time to go e over the things I’ve learned from the years past. This one comes without a number. 

I learned yes I can do it. Yes I can do it by myself. I am strong and that I am Capable of many things. I am not an expert at any one just thing. I’m just ok at a lot of them. I am not that person that is going to win first place. But I am that person that is going to enjoy just trying because I’m not a quitter and I have a great personality. BUT yup it’s my blog you knew a BUT was coming.

but I have learned a very important thing. The reason I always try and do things on my own is because well I don’t like beholding to others. I don’t like owing that favor. I DON’T LIKE ASKING. Because I also feel that it means I couldn’t or they may think I didn’t try hard enough. Or they will judge me that I’m lazy or think I’m stupid. But here’s the reality I’m not the smartest person you will ever meet. But I’m smart enough to ask question. If I do something for someone do I feel they owe me? No I don’t and it’s ok to ask for help. 

you may ask why would I think these thoughts why would I be scared of that. I don’t know why. But I do know I don’t think these things about others so why should I think they think bad. 

I am woman I have been looking for a new car since last September. I have been having to rent a car from a coworker since then. I have just now been able to get out of the lemon that I bought. And I have finally broken down and asked for some help. And I now have eyes out in a few stats and see this challenge in my life coming to an end. 

the next thing I learned is it’s ok not to settle it’s ok if you have to wait to get what you want. A lot people tell you oh just get this it’s the same thing. It’s not my friends it’s ok not to settle as long as your willing to work for it and wait for it. 

life goes by really really fast when you have that one birthday with the numbers of 50 not joking here at all folks. I go and do day to day and then think wait I missed that last month did I even pay my bills? 

I don’t have to work 24/7 I have learned I worked because I got bored and lonely so I worked to get out of the house. I’m an introvert I like staying home but I also like going out but just by myself. And we’ll that’s what I did. So I am going to find things to do and I can work my second job if I have to. Or I just want that thing that I’m not willing to settle on. 

I only have six lives left never really thought about the nine lives before but I really do only have six left. And that’s not many left maybe that’s why I decided to stay up till midnight last night had a drink even. I am praying to break Cinderellas curse. 🤣🤣 yup 😊 I’m on a new road in life. 

so to all my miss independent’s it’s ok not to

do it yourself.   ☺️

So today I needed a cigarette not a pack just a couple. I haven’t smoked in three years and the need was there.

so I went in to a store and bought a pack. I couldn’t believe the price of a pack. I asked why they were so much and told taxes. But yes all my blogs have a butt I know but this one is important. 

a lady behind me decided to get involved. She told me that anyone that can afford to some could afford the taxes and that the tax was for schools and children. I asked what about the homeless. She told me they didn’t need to smoke they already lived off the system. 

now I have been homeless. And lucky enough to have a car. But I have seen first hand what out homeless go through. Some are mentally ill. Some are just down and out and have fallen deeper than myself. But most of them don’t live off the system. They don’t qualify because they don’t have an address. But here is the reality of that. You see a cigarette and cup of coffee take away the hunger pain so for them saving for a pack can mean they can go for a couple of days without eating and feel hunger. They share because they know what it’s like to feel hungry.  So before anyone judges a homeless person because they smoke should go two three DM days without eating. That pain is awful. You can at one point feel like your stomach is eating it’s self. This has to stop. This crazy idea of one person knowing what’s best for someone else is crazy. 

now I took my two cigarettes and gave the rest of the pack and a ten to a homeless man sitting in the grass. I know he will share but I also know he will not feel hunger for a while. 

stop judging it’s just not right. 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So what are your thousand words when you look into a picture of yourself. 

I look at a picture of when the kids were little and our family pictures. 

now that I look at them the kids and I look like shells. Body’s with no emotion. Then I look at the self taken ones and I see somewhat happy family. But the thing I noticed is the ones with my ex. We all look like we are hostage slaves at a  refugee camp. The kids eyes are hollow. Mine are no different. 

but I look at the ones when he is gone and we look happy we are smiling and each picture I can see and remember a time or a place. I am very grateful for being able to be a household engineer.

There are things i would change most definitely. there are moments and memories that I wouldn’t give up at all ever. But they came with a cost. I paid that price I don’t want a refund nor an exchange. It was my choice. Well in my case not to much. “For another day”

But there is a picture of “J” and I on one of our trips. And we did one those fun dress up picture shot things. We had so much fun doing them. But what I see in the picture is so different than what she see’s. I have it on my desk and I see two woman laughing and having a good time. Then I look at myself and I’m disgusted and I hear my ex’s words fill my head. Your fat ugly and stupid. But that is now up to me to change it’s not his fault anymore. It’s my own fault. 

now when “J” looks at that picture she sees something different same picture but she sees freedom. She sees that time and moment as freedom. She smiles because she see a smile on her face that she hasn’t seen in herself in a long time. 

what do you see in the picture frame. 

So tonight as I sit here listen to a friend help her son pack to go on trip. I started laughing I couldn’t help but think of all the things I told my kids. 

so when my daughters were growing up I always put the first letter of their name in there underwear. So I could put them away and know who’s were who’s my oldest daughter Apple yup her nickname. Ask me why? Her sister puss was like yeah. I told her don’t say yeah it’s a gross word and sat them down. Ok you girls are old enough for this now it’s time you hear hear it. 

you see you can’t share underwear or swimsuits because you will get hooters disease. They looked at me with big huge eyes mommy what’s hooters disease? Well it’s where your hooter will hurt and you’ll have to go to the doctor maybe stay in the hospital a day or two. Puss looked at me mommy will you come stay in the hospital with me if I get hooters disease. I told her of course honey but if she didn’t wear others underwear or swimsuits she wouldn’t have to worry. Really mommy. Yes I said. She was happy and ran off. And I didn’t have to worry. Till that frightful day. 

puss went to a swim/birthday party but they left out swimming on the invitation. The people at the party tried to get her to borrow one and puss just said no thank you. may I call my mom. She will bring one. Honey just borrow it’s ok. Puss did other things till the lady looked at her call your mommy. Puss called me and when I got there she came and got her swimsuit then whispered in my ear. I didn’t wear anyones swimsuit mommy I am not getting hooters disease. But mommy friend A and B did will they die from hooters disease? Need I say I bursted up laughing. 

so when my friends son said yes mom I packed enough underwear I couldn’t help but laugh. 

just so you all know neither one of my daughters will borrow a swimsuit nor share underwear they are 34 and 33 and they have called me. Just to call me a bitch because they had to go buy a swimsuit they couldn’t borrow one. 😂🤣 I just tell them we’ll that job is done. What else can I help you with. I usually hear a dial tone after that. They love me. ♥️ 

when they started kindergarten I told them not to borrow anyones hairbrush…. Because they didn’t want the police to come get them. Apple looked at with those big huge green eyes of hers.. mommy that’s illegal she asked. I told her no borrowing and sharing the same hairbrush wasn’t illegal not at all…… but if she used someone else’s hair brush her hair had her DNA and if that brush was found at a crime scene then she would be a suspect. And she would have to go to the police station for questioning.

I just didn’t want lice. And I almost made it through elementary school with them. Fifth grade and fourth grade got me. 

my daughters have told me that I could have screwed them up. Now that they think about the things I would tell them. So I sent them a pome. 

They fuck you up, mum and dad. 
they may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with  the faults they had. And add some extra, just for you

yup they love 💕 

So today I talked to a friend from this site. We talk like almost everyday.  And I would like to thank her. She says I have done so much for her. Helping her change her life. That maybe true and if it is I feel even better. 

but really she has helped this misfit FEEL. I haven’t felt anything for so long. Except loneliness and like I stand on the outside and look in the window of others wanting be a part of something. I don’t fit in anywhere really. Most times that’s ok. “I am very self entertaining”

but today I got stuck with a dead phone sitting in a car. “Nothing to do but think”

so I did just that. I thought who would worry about me? Then I thought who would care? I had no answer except my kids. 
then I sat and thought what can I do to fit in with people better? I had no answer. Then a light came on. I’m always so scared of people. I know it’s from my past. But that’s another story for another day. 
then I thought about what she said “J” she told me I touch peoples lives everyday and I don’t know it. I thought I have been thinking wrong. I keep thinking I. Maybe this misfit is right where she belongs with her one close friend and kids that do love her. Maybe I am the one in the window, and others are looking in but I shut them out. “J” says I made a difference in her life. I’m not sure how. Then thought maybe I need to slow down and start looking around at others. That’s not going to happen my feet are always in motion.
Ok I am a people watcher I love watching people they are just so funny. Then I thought about the homeless woman I took behind me with her not sure what he was to her but I made him leave her alone. Then I thought about the homeless man that was yelling at himself in the mirror window at the hair salon. They were going to call the police. I told them not to and went out there with my glass of water my hair in tinfoil and just talked to him. He said the voices in his head were mad at him. I asked him why? He said because he was here. I told him I was glad he was here because I got to make a new friend and if he saw me again to please come up and say hi. He looked at me strangely. I told him to ask the voices if I could be his friend. He started to get mad. And yelled the voices are real. I told him I knew they were real. And I just wanted to know if I could be his friend? He smiled and told me they said yes. This was just a 15 minute conversation about. He smiled and said he had to go. I told him ok. I went back in my hair lady said I was crazy. I told her crazy for a crazy. 
these thoughts told me my answer I am crazy for one and two this misfit has her place it’s her place it’s her journey her adventure. And I’m doing just what I need to do. I might not be popular I might not be the first one picked. I may not ever be picked. Hell I may never know what it’s like to be naked and have sex. But dang it I belong to people I have a reason. 
to make things better when I got home and a charge on my phone there was a message are you ok. Those three words made my day. I belong. I have a reason. 
and I owe this all to “J” thank you “J” for loving and being this misfit’s friend. 

So I have been going through a very rough patch in my life and yes my memories get me through these times. Today I sat thinking how the heck am I doing this then I remembered puss. 

yes my karate kid. And well todays memory reminded me of just get up and keep going. 

you see as I said I traveled with her to compete. This time we had to go to New Orleans. She didn’t have sponsors at this time and her coach and I had fund raiser’s to help with the cost. Her brothers and sister helped me fix up old furniture and sell it. They sold golf balls and lemonade. They mowed lawns raked leaves and I took up some house cleaning jobs also. It was a family event. The kids and I pulled together to make this dream of hers happen. And we did it!! With hard work.

While we did all of this she trained every waking moment. We held bags for her helped her stretched out. I was even knocked out once. But that’s another story. 

her and I got dropped off at the airport she was so excited and nervous. She asked me what if she didn’t win. Her brothers and sister and I had worked so hard for her to have this moment. I told her just do your best. She looked at me and said I promise to work as hard as all of us, and make us proud and that this win was for all of us. I told her we were already proud. But as all kids do she sighed and rolled her eyes.
I knew she was scared. So I asked her how do you eat an elephant. She looked at me like I was crazy. I smiled and asked for an answer. She said she didn’t know. I told her the same way you do everything in life. One bite at a time. So let’s get there bite one. She laughed and smiled and said ok let’s do this. But if she didn’t win she would quit karate and work everyday to pay us all back.

I told her that was a big bite. Head phones went in and I was ignored. Well as luck would have it our flight was delayed. Haha 😂 the way of our life. She cried. I told her bite one. 

we we were supposed to get there in the afternoon we didn’t get in till 12:30 at night. She looked at me and said ok bite one now what. I’m tired and I compete in the morning.

I told her well we get ready for our next bite. We get to our hotel.

That was a two hour drive and GPS did not exist back then. so we got our car and off to the hotel. We got there bite two complete. It was now almost 3am and her Gi had to be ironed to remove travel wrinkles. I told her to sleep we had to be up in two hours to get to the place I would iron. She smiled and said mom your tired I told Her I would be fine. As all mothers do. At least I hope. 

the next morning she was sooooo tired she was 14 and had two and a half hours sleep. We got ready and drove another hour and a half because this mom is horrible with direction. But I got her there that’s what’s important 

I got her some breakfast she just looked at me, I told her to eat. I would be fine. She ate and then slept on the bleachers as well she could. The excitement and nerves were not her friend that day.

I woke her up so she could get ready and call her coach. She came back and asked if I had any advice. I asked did you train as hard as you could? She said yes. Then I said well then go and show them who’s house this is. She went and did whatever it is she had to do, and came back with tears in her eyes. I asked what was wrong? There was only two people in her division and she was bumped up to the next age division.
Well as any parent knows this is that moment when you have to put on your poker face. I told her it didn’t matter. She looked at me again. I asked her what was the big deal. She said huge they are two years older than her. I smiled and said yes but did they have as many people believe in them as she did? She said yes. “Little butthead”  I told her to go take a moment to herself and calm down.

When she got back she said mom let’s go win this. I smiled that’s my girl. I pulled out my friends video camera and said I’m right here let’s go kick this elephants butt. 

there were 15 girls in this division and she was doing just kata today kumata was the next. She stood tall in line and was the first one in line of 15 girls and if you know anything about karate that’s not good she looked at me I smiled at her and shrugged They called her name. It was time. I knew she was sooo tired and all I could was pray. 

she walked out in front of about 3,000 people watching and she started.
she was about 1/4 of the way through and……. She feel flat on her butt. I was ready for the tears and for complete melt down. But it didn’t happen…. She jumped right back up and continued right were she was not missing a beat. She finished her kata. She bowed out and took her place.
She knew she had lost I knew she had lost.neither one of us kept track of the scores because of it. When they were all done  She stood with all the other girl and waited for the judging. The judges had a meeting then stood in front of the girls and called second place which is odd. They normally start with third place. then they call third. They called puss’s name her mouth dropped my mouth dropped. We look at each other and she took a minute to register then took her place up on the box for third place then they announced first and then gave the others their participation medals. When they all bowed she jumped off the box and ran and jumped in my arms and yelled I kicked that elephants butt momma.
I almost fell over but I was smiling as big as she was. The judges came over to her they all asked her name and shook her hand. They told her that because she just GOT BACK UP and kept going without missing a beat she amazed them. it was not something most adults could do. The one judge asked if she was completing the next day. She smiled and said yes. The next day was much easier we’ll rested feed and a very happy little girl from the day before. She took first place yup still out of 15 other girls two years older. 

years to come she was with a friend in a camera shop with photos on the walls. She was waiting for her friend to finish and noticed a picture on the wall. She looked close at it. She asked the man behind the counter if that photo was taken in New Orleans. He said yes and noticed the picture she was looking at. He told her the story of this little girl that just got back up. She smiled and was ready to leave when he recognized her. YOUR HER!!! Her friend looked at her then the picture. She smiled at the man and said yes that is me. The man came around the counter and hugged her sooo hard. You inspired my life that day.
You didn’t falter you just got back up. She told him thank you. He looked at her again in her uniform.
I have always wondered what became of you. She smile and said I’m in the army. He looked at her friend and smiled he then gave her friend the large picture he was having made for his mother and told him it was on the house. And this was his way of paying it back to puss. 

that day of the tournament he was about to lose his shop his house he was going through a divorce and was wondering how he was going to make it. Then he lost his house and his shop but he always remember the little girl that just GOT BACK UP. He now had two shops and a new house.

so when you think you can’t you can just get back up and keep going. My daughter called me that night to tell me the story. Yes I cried. We had always thought that was our family’s memory. But now we all know that you may not get first place but you can still influence someone’s life. Even at 14. Or when your are at the lowest time of your life. No matter how tired you are just GET BACK UP!! ♥️

My life for so long has revolved around my children and still does. having the beautiful gift of being a house hold Manager and CEO of the we say so Corporation I had the wonderful gift of memories. And in trying difficult times like I’m having lately I have been using these to get through these time. I am very happy that I am being able to share them with you and for your kind words. It has helped me see how blessed my life really is. Thank you all. 

so cute baby is number four in my line up. He has always been very crafty with money making ideas. He started very young. I wish I could be lying about this but at age 3 he would go sell golf balls to the golfers that played on the golf course next to our house. He would talk one of his older sisters to take him out. Then as he got older and started kindergarten he would go by himself I could see him from out big window and would save my chores for the living room for him so I could watch. He started just selling golf balls. He would walk the yard and collect the balls each day. He was very vigilant about collecting his golf balls and would call each one a quarter. He knew four made a dollar.
As time went on he decided to sell lemonade. I would help him pack his wagon and set it up with a small ice chest with ice and solo cups. Off he would go to sell his golf balls and lemonade. 
well one day I helped him pack his wagon. Well I thought I had done my job. But as all of us parents know kids are slipper little humans. But I watched him take off pulling his little wagon. I had yard work and he would wave at me and I would wave back. The phone rang and I went into answer it. It was cordless and I was heading back out. But before I got there the flag man was at my front door with my cute baby. I looked at both and the flag man was very nice and told me that we had a problem. I thought we’ll he got caught and this gig was up for my poor boy that loved what he did. Making money😂🤣♥️. 

the flag man then said that cute baby was always very polite and one of the happiest little boys he had ever meet. I told him thank you and that he enjoyed doing what he did. He smiled and said yes ma’am I don’t doubt that for a minute. But we still have a problem, and that he didn’t mind cute baby selling his lemonade or his golf balls. But he could not let my 5 year old commit Illegal activity. Well at that moment I was mama bear and I looked at him and said that the day selling lemonade and golf balls was illegal activity there was something wrong with America. then I pointed out that cute baby always stayed on the sidewalk the golfers came to him. He put his hand up yes ma’am this is all true but today cute baby was selling more than golf balls and lemonade. I looked down at my poor baby with tears in his eyes and I picked him up wiped his eyes and told him it was ok and he needed to just tell me what he was selling. Once I got him to take a few deep breaths he asked if he was in trouble. I looked at his sweet little angel face and said if he told me the truth it would be ok. The flag man just stood there very patient and let cute baby re-compose himself. Then cute baby got down from the safety of my arms and opened his ice chest. I gasped and I was speechless to say the least.
There in his little red wagon sat his ice chest full of his fathers beer. I looked up at the flag man and I couldn’t apologize more. I just looked at him. He smiled and told me the golfers enjoyed my son and That he thought they pour the lemonade out but they would still buy a cup. And He don’t mind cute baby never came on the course and always waves at him with a smile. But He still couldn’t allow him to sell Beer.
My poor cute baby again had huge tears. And of course smashed his face in my legs. I smiled at the flag man I was soooo trying not to laugh at this point he was trying not to laugh either. He got down and rubbed cute baby’s back. He was so kind to my son. He told him that his selling for the day was done and that he couldn’t return till Saturday.
 I mouthed thank you and told him I promised to check the ice chest before he left. He rubbed cute baby’s head and then went back to his golf cart on the course. 
My poor son looked up at me and asked if he was in trouble I told him that he had been punished enough and that I could finish my yard work later and we went inside and made no bake cookies. I pushed the peanut butter ones in the back of the cupboard that I had already baked that morning.
My cute baby has given me so many memories though the years. 

oh and yes that is his real nickname 😂 he looked like a Gerber baby. He had a face of an angel with the tiny little curls in the back that haloed his face. 

thank you for letting me ramble and babble my beautiful memories. When the bad things happen I like to pull these out and think about the good. It helps me I know how blessed I am, even if I’m A nerd, weird and a misfit. One day I will fit like a glove to someone’s hand like a glove to a first baseman. 

♥️♥️♥️♥️🤦‍♀️