Online now
Online now

Plain Jane

Well I am just a plain Jane with simple thoughts. Bdsm is new and I love learning about it. One day I may have a relationship. I have tried a couple of times but have come to realize I get attached fast and that is not a good thing. So for now going to continue my learning.
1 day ago. June 13, 2024 at 8:39 PM

On Monday I took a chance I accepted help. I know people on here don’t really know me so I just have to admit my fault. I don’t ask for help. I figure it out. This fault causes many of my own problems. But anyway. 

a friend from here on the cage called me and asked if my son wanted to work. I asked my son and he said yes.
So I drove him an hour and a half away from me and left him there. You have no idea how hard that was for me. I can’t even put this in words how hard it was for me. But I trusted the Dom on here and left my son with him. That again was hard because I have DTA……(don’t trust anyone) I have had DTA for 26 years from living in a marriage of emotional physical and mental abuse. I learned that in my area I could not trust people not even the police. 

anyway I believed in my son and trusted this wonderful Dom. i cut apron string on my son. Which I’ve had a tight hold on. I’ve been living in constant fear for this year scared I’d lose one fifth of my heart. Afraid if I lost this one fifth I would be no good to the other four fifths that make up of my entire heart. 

Today I came to pick my son up and what I see is more of my son back. I see pieces of him back that I thought I had lost. I had accepted the parts of him that were left, but this amazing Dom I will never be able to thank enough gave me more.  I have no way of ever repaying him. He gave of himself he gave a lost young man sooooo much.  How do you repay this kind of kindness this compassion. 

he gave my son confidence in himself. He gave him a sense of not having to be invisible. A sense of fitting in. 

He gave him this and I can see the difference in my son today. My heart is singing with joy right now. 

maybe that’s what my son needed (male bonding time) something I could never give my son. For obvious reasons. 

Our society has such a high stigmatism on men now a days. I  could say the same words but they are different coming from another man. Man to man kind of thing. 

I can only offer my deepest thank yous for your time kindness and compassion to this Dom. But I truly mean it from my entire heart. 


I can only pray that he stays this way July is coming am I’m scared. After July maybe I can breathe. But for now I’m going to concentrate on what is and not dwell on the what IF’s. 

5 days ago. June 9, 2024 at 7:25 PM

I don’t know about everyone on here. Ok I don’t know hardly anyone on here. So I’m just going to ask am I the only one that gets asked who are you? 

i’m never sure how to answer that question because to me. This is me today. But during my day I’m going to learn grow and change. My actions will be different each day also. So who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. 

everyday is new it brings new life lessons new beauty we haven’t seen yet. And each days new adventures changes us. 

we all have the same basic life fundamentals. Food water clothes. We all seek love. Even if we are not sure what loves means to us. Maybe it’s a feeling you get inside you. Maybe you’re numb from life’s lessons. But we each interpret it differently. And even this can change daily. 

we each have our own life values. And these change a lot in people I’ve come to realize. They also change daily. 

What makes us, us? Is it our lifestyle? Or our values? Is it our feelings for that day? 

when I hear people ask that question I see these three basic answers: I’m honest, loyal and trustworthy. These are great answers who wouldn’t want to be with someone with these qualities. Right?

Well now let’s look at these answers: isn’t  trustworthy and honest kind of the same answer? Then there’s Loyal that’s also a great answer but who are you loyal to? 


I have been thinking about this question lately and I am no different I came up with these same three answers with a few  other  also. But then thought about it.  if my answers are the same as your answers, does that make us the same. How can we be the same and yet different? 

and then thought if these are the same answers for everyone do we live in a perfect world? Because if we are all trustworthy loyal and honest then we have nothing to fear? Right. 

so yes I like to say I’m loyal I’m trustworthy and honest. And I do my best to do what’s right even if it’s hard and my hands sweat and legs shake having to admit I made a mistake, And take responsibility for my Actions or words. 

Just me thinking inside my head.

 

hope you all have a wonderful day.

 

1 week ago. June 5, 2024 at 2:35 AM

So as I stated I have been gone from this site for a while and on a journey. 

it has been a journey from hell I pray no mother ever has to through. Fact I pray no one ever has to go through. 

my son went missing not really missing I knew what town he was in but not where he was. Everyone told me he was an addict and I had to wait for him to ask for help. So I did. What I didn’t knew was that my son had affective schizophrenia. Yes he did drugs to help stop the voices in his head. And drugs actually help from what I’ve learned but cause other problems as we all know. 

I have learned a lot about affective schizophrenia in this year. But I wanted to share our journey with you all. 

last July 30th I decided I had waited long enough for him to come to me for help. So I took time off from work and I drove from Colorado to California to find him. When I got there I walked through homeless camps and the streets to find him. I talk to so many homeless people listened to them tell me their stories and meet a lot of very nice people. Some I will say not so nice. But thanking god for my protection during that time. After three days I found my son. He didn’t recognize me and ran. I ran behind him till he stopped then I sat on the hot concrete and sang to him “ I’m standing with you”. When one of the other homeless men started yelling at me cussing at me I just kept singing. If you’ve ever heard me sing you’d say probably not a great idea. But I didn’t care I just kept singing to him. Once the other man started getting physically with me my son still did nothing he was trying to process that it was really me. When the man pulled out his penis and started walking towards me. My son got up and pushed him told him to leave me alone. I just kept singing with tears coming down my face like the Niagara Falls. My son then squated down and touched my face and asked if I was real. I didn’t move but said yes it’s me mom I’m here baby. He didn’t say another word just stood and walked to my car. The other man told me I couldn’t have my son. And the mother bear came out. I stood and stared at him and told him to try and stop me from taking my son back. I was terrified. But the next thing I knew my son was throwing rice crispy treats at the man and told me to get in the car. When I got in the car I asked my son what was that. He just smiled and said you always have snacks and he’s hungry. My son didn’t talk after that. I just thought I was fighting drug addiction little did I know my battle was sooooo much bigger. 

we went to a motel and he just layed on the bed and slept for over 14 hours. When he got up he showered and I gave him the bag of new clothes and shoes. Which I’m so glad i got and took with me. My son had no shoes he was walking on hot concrete burning his feet. He said thank you but nothing else. I had cigarettes for him and he smoked a lot. I took him to eat. He order so much food our bill was over a hundred dollars just for two people he couldn’t even eat all the food he ordered but it was there for him. After day two he was on the hunt for a drug score i was told by someone who I was talking to that was in a program. I had no home to take him to as I lived with other people and couldn’t take him back there due to a toddler living there. I couldn’t take the chance not that My son would hurt the child in his right mind but again I thought I was just detoxing him. So I didn’t know his mind set. So I did the craziest thing and offered him an Alaska Cruze lol he couldn’t run he could get medical and he couldn’t hopefully find drugs. He declined that so my oldest son said bring him here. He lived in DC my son agreed to go see his brother so we started driving to DC. Things got ugly as drove. and when we got to New Mexico. My oldest son decided it wasn’t safe for me to drive alone with him so he flew out and then made the trip with us. During this I was bite spit on and a lot of things went out the car window. I watched my son cry scram pull his hair. But something wasn’t right. When my oldest got there we talked while the other one slept. He said that the voices my son was having was due to drugs. But something still didn’t sit right with me. I started listening to my gut. We stayed with my oldest for two weeks. I drove to Virginia visited with a friend then drove back to DC then to Virginia to visit a friend of my sons. Then to Oklahoma so he could visit his grandfathers grave. The we went to Texas to my oldest daughter’s home, where my son had a complete breakdown we had to call the police. Now I had called the police twice in other states  before this but my son was in the military and was military police so when the cops would come my son knew all the right words to say. But not in Texas they actually have a mental health police team. They took him in. My son was put in a mental health hospital where they discovered that he had affective schizophrenia. They were the ones to tell me that in my sons case this started before the drugs. I didn’t know I’d never heard of this. So after three weeks he was given medication which I paid out of pocket. Everyone says why didn’t you take him to the VA. Well that’s easy my son is terrified of the VA. His voices were his fellow soldiers and he would argue with them. He thought he was chipped by the government and they were after him. Which I have found out comes from what he did in his time of service.

we found an outside mental hospital for my son but I didn’t have the money for him to go to it. We called the VA for an emergency physc referral we were told it would take two weeks. While waiting for that two weeks my son tried to commit suicide. I had left my son with his sister to go back to work at that time he was on his medication and I’d been off work for almost three months. I have gone though my life saving and my retirement. So when this happened I asked for a family leave of absence only to find out that because the contract at my job had changed I didn’t qualify for it because I hadn’t been with the new company for a year. I have sat at the same desk doing the same job for over seven years but as you all know government contracts change. When they do nobody qualifies for fmla. The life of Civilian contractors who knew. I do now lol. So I did what every mother would I handed in my letter. And I packed my stuff and headed off to Texas.

Long story I know sorry

my son has now been voices free for two months we finally have the right medication for him. He is doing fantastic I’m so proud of him. But a few things I found to help him. 

One: Hume him something to love….. he has a puppy

Two give him something to do……… golf fishing and I take him delivering food to make money so I can pay our rent and car payment.

three: give him something to look forward to…… he is going to start school we work delivering the food to pay our bills but also to pay for him to go to school. 



Affective schizophrenia is caused by trauma guys it’s real. It’s a whole new level of PTSD. 

yes I’ve been to the VA for help no we have received any financial help. I can’t even get them to restart his pay. I’ve given up on the VA really. we are making it and that’s what matters. I do have them covering his medication now thank god because his monthly shots were costing me 6k a month. And this piggy bank is smashed to tiny pieces I was so terrified I wouldn’t be able to continue them. But Texas helped me till the VA finally would. I’m so grateful to Texas they have the best system I’ve found so far. Am I  done with this no not yet my son will probably live with me the rest of his life and mine. He is better but stress causes him to go backwards. And right now my ex husband and other kids are actually making it almost impossible for me and him. I know they don’t understand and they all like to think I don’t know what I’m talking about and I pray they are right.

I’m actually afraid my son won’t make it through July due to them not listening to me. I have a feeling Its going to go like this. One bachelor party then wedding and my gut says a funeral. All because no one wants to listen to me. 

guys don’t give up on people they are worth the effort and if you don’t care about others how can ask anyone to care about you. 

 

what has kept me going through all of this something someone told me a long time ago. 

not everyday is a good day. BUTT there’s something good about everyday.

 

thank you for letting write this I needed to get it out. I think just taking this time for myself is the biggest thing. And I hope maybe I’ve helped someone else. Follow your gut and your heart. 

 

1 week ago. June 4, 2024 at 7:42 PM

Well it’s been a very long time since I’ve written a blog. Sorry life. 

so I have been asked this question toilet seat up or down. Yes it sounds crazy but it’s a real question and some people really get upset about this. lol I find it funny. But I prefer the toilet seat down and not just the seat the lid also. You see when you go number two and flush the poop particles go up in the air and get all over your bathroom. So to me whole lid down solves the problem. And it also save poop particles from getting on your toothbrush hairbrush and everything else in the bathroom. 

all five of my kids have laughed at me through the years until they finally found an article about it. Now after 30 some years I’m a Genius. 😂🤣

 

So in my mind the question has an answer finally. 

2 years ago. April 4, 2022 at 12:09 AM

So today something happened to me. I have about a gazillion feels running though my mind and body. 

so I have been cooking for this man who is a friend of a friend of mine’s family. I hope I explained that right. But anyway I go buy the groceries then take it home and cook the meals. Then I pack it up and take it to him. He’s always paid for the food and then paid me a few dollars. I’ve always thought of it as being nice and just helping someone. Well my friend saw what I was cooking for him and then asked how much he pays me. I don’t mind and I told her. She blew up like not a little like a firecracker. I don’t understand and told her he didn’t have to I always let him pay what he could afford. I mean he lives in a junkyard. 

that was not the problem she said. She looked at me and got mad again. I was like what’s wrong I don’t understand? She took a deep breath and said you’ve spent 6 hours cooking and I don’t know how long shopping. Then you pack it up and deliver it. I said yes. She said your cooking him amazing meals and what he is paying you is not right. I told her I didn’t set a price and it was fine I didn’t mind helping people. She then told me never mind. Today as usual I took the food over but then when he paid me I had to tell him that’s way to much. He then insisted that I take it.

My friend had called him and told him he was taking advantage of me. She then called me and told me that he was very rich and choose to live that way and that he was not a poor money wise old man. He was very finically well off. And at no point was it ok for him to pay me what he had been paying. 

now I have never in my life had someone stand up for me like this. To me this is very new territory. She made me feel well I’m sure because it’s new. I’m so very confused and I have cried almost all day. It isn’t about the money I enjoy helping people and I would do it for free but that’s not the point of this blog today. It’s how, I’m not sure really my feeling on this but someone standing up for me I guess protecting me is new. She may just be a friend but oh honestly I don’t know I’m so confused and have a gazillion feelings running through me. I can’t even imagine having a man care this much about me. These feeling are new to me and sure how to take it. But I wish everyone this safety security feeling or even maybe just the feeling that they matter in life. 

2 years ago. February 13, 2022 at 4:39 AM

Today I discovered I’m a cracked water pot. Yes i can admit that. And you know what I am totally ok with it. You maybe asking yourself is this person nuts? 

no I am not nuts. You see I leak water as I’m carried. When I leak water I water the flowers. So even though I’m not perfect it’s ok because I spread a little happiness. 

and let’s face it isn’t that what this world is all about spreading happiness? 😊😂😂😂

 

2 years ago. February 11, 2022 at 7:31 PM

Do you think when we pass and go to heaven we get to have sex 24/7 if that’s what we want? Like do spirts have sex? 

Just a random thought. 

2 years ago. January 1, 2022 at 7:25 PM

So as the new year roll is in. And today being number ONE. I thought it was a good time to go e over the things I’ve learned from the years past. This one comes without a number. 

I learned yes I can do it. Yes I can do it by myself. I am strong and that I am Capable of many things. I am not an expert at any one just thing. I’m just ok at a lot of them. I am not that person that is going to win first place. But I am that person that is going to enjoy just trying because I’m not a quitter and I have a great personality. BUT yup it’s my blog you knew a BUT was coming.

 

but I have learned a very important thing. The reason I always try and do things on my own is because well I don’t like beholding to others. I don’t like owing that favor. I DON’T LIKE ASKING. Because I also feel that it means I couldn’t or they may think I didn’t try hard enough. Or they will judge me that I’m lazy or think I’m stupid. But here’s the reality I’m not the smartest person you will ever meet. But I’m smart enough to ask question. If I do something for someone do I feel they owe me? No I don’t and it’s ok to ask for help. 

you may ask why would I think these thoughts why would I be scared of that. I don’t know why. But I do know I don’t think these things about others so why should I think they think bad. 

I am woman I have been looking for a new car since last September. I have been having to rent a car from a coworker since then. I have just now been able to get out of the lemon that I bought. And I have finally broken down and asked for some help. And I now have eyes out in a few stats and see this challenge in my life coming to an end. 

the next thing I learned is it’s ok not to settle it’s ok if you have to wait to get what you want. A lot people tell you oh just get this it’s the same thing. It’s not my friends it’s ok not to settle as long as your willing to work for it and wait for it. 

life goes by really really fast when you have that one birthday with the numbers of 50 not joking here at all folks. I go and do day to day and then think wait I missed that last month did I even pay my bills? 

I don’t have to work 24/7 I have learned I worked because I got bored and lonely so I worked to get out of the house. I’m an introvert I like staying home but I also like going out but just by myself. And we’ll that’s what I did. So I am going to find things to do and I can work my second job if I have to. Or I just want that thing that I’m not willing to settle on. 

I only have six lives left never really thought about the nine lives before but I really do only have six left. And that’s not many left maybe that’s why I decided to stay up till midnight last night had a drink even. I am praying to break Cinderellas curse. 🤣🤣 yup 😊 I’m on a new road in life. 

so to all my miss independent’s it’s ok not to

do it yourself.   ☺️

2 years ago. December 20, 2021 at 6:58 PM

So today I needed a cigarette not a pack just a couple. I haven’t smoked in three years and the need was there.

 

so I went in to a store and bought a pack. I couldn’t believe the price of a pack. I asked why they were so much and told taxes. But yes all my blogs have a butt I know but this one is important. 

a lady behind me decided to get involved. She told me that anyone that can afford to some could afford the taxes and that the tax was for schools and children. I asked what about the homeless. She told me they didn’t need to smoke they already lived off the system. 

now I have been homeless. And lucky enough to have a car. But I have seen first hand what out homeless go through. Some are mentally ill. Some are just down and out and have fallen deeper than myself. But most of them don’t live off the system. They don’t qualify because they don’t have an address. But here is the reality of that. You see a cigarette and cup of coffee take away the hunger pain so for them saving for a pack can mean they can go for a couple of days without eating and feel hunger. They share because they know what it’s like to feel hungry.  So before anyone judges a homeless person because they smoke should go two three DM days without eating. That pain is awful. You can at one point feel like your stomach is eating it’s self. This has to stop. This crazy idea of one person knowing what’s best for someone else is crazy. 

now I took my two cigarettes and gave the rest of the pack and a ten to a homeless man sitting in the grass. I know he will share but I also know he will not feel hunger for a while. 

stop judging it’s just not right. 

2 years ago. November 21, 2021 at 11:16 PM

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So what are your thousand words when you look into a picture of yourself. 

I look at a picture of when the kids were little and our family pictures. 

now that I look at them the kids and I look like shells. Body’s with no emotion. Then I look at the self taken ones and I see somewhat happy family. But the thing I noticed is the ones with my ex. We all look like we are hostage slaves at a  refugee camp. The kids eyes are hollow. Mine are no different. 

but I look at the ones when he is gone and we look happy we are smiling and each picture I can see and remember a time or a place. I am very grateful for being able to be a household engineer.

There are things i would change most definitely. there are moments and memories that I wouldn’t give up at all ever. But they came with a cost. I paid that price I don’t want a refund nor an exchange. It was my choice. Well in my case not to much. “For another day”

But there is a picture of “J” and I on one of our trips. And we did one those fun dress up picture shot things. We had so much fun doing them. But what I see in the picture is so different than what she see’s. I have it on my desk and I see two woman laughing and having a good time. Then I look at myself and I’m disgusted and I hear my ex’s words fill my head. Your fat ugly and stupid. But that is now up to me to change it’s not his fault anymore. It’s my own fault. 

now when “J” looks at that picture she sees something different same picture but she sees freedom. She sees that time and moment as freedom. She smiles because she see a smile on her face that she hasn’t seen in herself in a long time. 

what do you see in the picture frame.