Plain Jane

Feelings are for the weak. I am strong! I am capable! I am enough! I am a warrior! I am one! But most importantly “ I am me”. 

The devil whispered in my ear “ you are not strong enough to withstand the storm”

Today I whispered in the devil’s ear, I am the child of God, a woman of faith. A warrior of Christ.

                          I AM THE STORM

pulling on my faith when life attacks me. 
I may lose the battle but that’s when I fall on my knees to win the war. 

I am a princess. All little girls are princesses. The Bible says it. So I know it’s true. I am the child of a king. So I will swallow my pain my grief and I will drag my sword to my next battle. 

i will learn from this, harden my heart more, build higher walls. Draw the drawbridge up and have my alert on high. 

my fuzzies are brown from being covered in “SHIT” but I will wash them off and let them shine a soft pearl white/pink again. I will let my light shine only for myself when it tries to leave the castle I’ll put up mirrors so it shines back inside. It may blind me but that’s ok I won’t be able to see the ugliness of the world that way. 

stay in my lane stay in my walls. Not my Monkeys not my circus. 🎪 

happy day to you all and to all a good night. 

I was not attacked. I just believed. Kind of how you feel when find out the Easter bunny isn’t real for the first time. 

Rules

For those subs who have lived their entire life growing up free and wild. Like a growing rose that's never been clipped they are not easy. Especially the bedtime one. Especially when one has never had a bedtime getting into a routine is hard. But necessary for one with ADHD and not on their meds. And living with other people that have no idea about the lifestyle. This rule is hard for anyone with ADHD because they already don't have a sense of time. So that adds to the problem for any sub in this lifestyle to get use to. It is a necessary one for that sub due to ADHD due to they need plenty of sleep and it's very good for them. "Everyone actually to have the proper amount of sleep is good". But add rules to someone who's never had rules even growing up as a child this makes things difficult for them to follow.

Now the punishment for not following the rules is also hard because they've never had consequences for anything in their entire life that adds to the spectrum. They now have to think and not live spontaneously.

Change is a good thing and no change in one's life is easy. Not for a Dom or a sub. But change is a good thing for all of us.

So my scooter pie oldest daughter sent this to me over eleven years ago. She had found, this article somewhere. It made me think of a few things and how lucky I really am. 

That day was just a small melt down compared to the atom bomb one I had the other day. I only cried once that day in my bathroom. Just recently, I cried almost the entire day. 

one: The fact that I can remember this day eleven years ago and that I cried in the bathroom only once tells me how lucky I truly am to have such few bad days. Because I can’t remember the bad day before that one. 
two: Each of these events made changes in my life in a positive way. So I have to be grateful for my bad days and embrace them.

anyways here’s what she found;

”Yes life has thrown you some pretty awful curve balls over the years. That will continue to happen till you die, it’s part of life. Let it make you grateful for all that you have. Let it make you stronger for having made it through. Let it make you compassionate for the other 7 billion people in the world who are dealing with struggles. Don’t let it make you bitter, don’t let it make you cynical, and DO NOT, whatever you do, let it take away your sunshine.”

wish I knew how to post music I would put on you are my sunshine. 

yes I’ve talked to my son block head. Only because of cute baby yes these are their nick names lol. But our talks are strained. Our talks have changed. The air between us is different. I’m not happy about it. But I have to respect myself and accept change. 

lol just an FYI karma is a bitch. My son the groom of the wedding got left behind.🤣🤣🤣 he literally had to order an Uber to get home. Yes I laughed in his face for this. And I belly rolled laughed in his face. 

Well the weekend finally happened. The couple is married and off on a new journey and chapter of their lives begins. 

my son is going to be fine. I set the boundaries and those boundaries were taken seriously no one chanced my warnings.

me on the other hand well I’m not sure. I am a marine Corps kid…. We are raised you don’t cry and definitely not in public. Tears are not allowed to drop. Your eyes can water but no tears falls….. well folks I’ve been a mess all day I have cried all day on and off and let’s just say my face has been wet. I’m a weak pathetic person. I have never in my entire life cried this much.
I was used as a prank at the wedding I was Ostracized and made to feel like an outsider. I have never thought of treating anyone this way in my entire life and to be used by my own children this way was literally to much for me.
I know it’s because I stood up to my oldest son and I didn’t back down from him. But I can’t explain how awful I feel. My new daughter in law was no better and I learned how she truly feels. I was told to endure or I’d never see my grandchildren. I endured but I won’t be going to see my grandchildren. So I have paid the price. 

my tears fall because I know I won’t see my grandchildren because I will not ever let my oldest son back into my life. I will make sure my younger son sees his brother but I will not be there to be treated that way again. 

so my tears today are for not only how I was treated but because I had to decided that I do not deserve to be treated that way and I have to let that son go. I have to stand outside and look through the window with him because I deserve better. I pray he will be happy I pray him enough of whatever he needs to make happy always. 

so my youngest will be fine but I still lost one fifth of my heart. I can actually feel my soul weeping and screaming from this loss. Who knew our souls could

…………..god I wish I was an alcoholic 

Well here’s another update on the July situation. 

mama bear cam out to play. 

I was told not to get involved in the bachelor party and mind my own business. 

well………… that doesn’t go well with me when it comes to my kids. Problem with this time is it’s my oldest son’s bachelor party. That would have been fine also except my ex husband is going to be there and my ex is a huge stress triggering factor for the other son. So how do I do right for one son and hurt the other son??? 

I cut the apron strings….. no my oldest son is a narcissist I’m not going to lie about it. He’s very very much like his father. But as his mom I still don’t want to hurt him or take from him his day, his time to be the shiny star. So I pulled up my big girl panties and went to see him alone. He knew when he saw me it wasn’t something he wanted to deal with. It wasn’t something I wanted to deal with either due to how much he’s like his dad. I was terrified not of the physical. But the mental and emotional. I was prepared for the gaslighting and the below the belt comments to come. I was ready for wall punching next to my head to come. 

Yes he threw a tantrum like a child he told me a few few things. But I didn’t back down. His new wife just sat there. Yes she was there I made sure of that, 

after he was done throwing his ass playing the poor pity potty victim. I asked him big man, when your wedding is over make sure you dye your suit black cause we will be going to a funeral. And just so you know my son I will have you escorted out because you will be the reason. So you can be the bigger man here and help solve this problem and have two bachelor party’s or one bachelor party and then go to your brothers funeral and stand outside the church and look through the window. But know this I will forever love you, my love will not end, it won’t disappear BUTT I will choose to not allow you in my life. That decision is on you. The out come will be on you. You will not be allowed to blame anyone else. Now I choose to leave and you can think of your answer. He looked at me and told me I have changed. Then showed me he had an owie 🤣. Subject was changed. I tended to his owie gave him options then smiled at my daughter in law and said he’s a grown man he can make his own decision I hope he gets better and let me know if I can help. My son sent me a text two bachelor party’s will due. 

now rehearsal dinner a wedding and reception to accomplish and I can relax and move on with my life. 

On Monday I took a chance I accepted help. I know people on here don’t really know me so I just have to admit my fault. I don’t ask for help. I figure it out. This fault causes many of my own problems. But anyway. 

a friend from here on the cage called me and asked if my son wanted to work. I asked my son and he said yes.
So I drove him an hour and a half away from me and left him there. You have no idea how hard that was for me. I can’t even put this in words how hard it was for me. But I trusted the Dom on here and left my son with him. That again was hard because I have DTA……(don’t trust anyone) I have had DTA for 26 years from living in a marriage of emotional physical and mental abuse. I learned that in my area I could not trust people not even the police. 

anyway I believed in my son and trusted this wonderful Dom. i cut apron string on my son. Which I’ve had a tight hold on. I’ve been living in constant fear for this year scared I’d lose one fifth of my heart. Afraid if I lost this one fifth I would be no good to the other four fifths that make up of my entire heart. 

Today I came to pick my son up and what I see is more of my son back. I see pieces of him back that I thought I had lost. I had accepted the parts of him that were left, but this amazing Dom I will never be able to thank enough gave me more.  I have no way of ever repaying him. He gave of himself he gave a lost young man sooooo much.  How do you repay this kind of kindness this compassion. 

he gave my son confidence in himself. He gave him a sense of not having to be invisible. A sense of fitting in. 

He gave him this and I can see the difference in my son today. My heart is singing with joy right now. 

maybe that’s what my son needed (male bonding time) something I could never give my son. For obvious reasons. 

Our society has such a high stigmatism on men now a days. I  could say the same words but they are different coming from another man. Man to man kind of thing. 

I can only offer my deepest thank yous for your time kindness and compassion to this Dom. But I truly mean it from my entire heart. 

I can only pray that he stays this way July is coming am I’m scared. After July maybe I can breathe. But for now I’m going to concentrate on what is and not dwell on the what IF’s. 

I don’t know about everyone on here. Ok I don’t know hardly anyone on here. So I’m just going to ask am I the only one that gets asked who are you? 

i’m never sure how to answer that question because to me. This is me today. But during my day I’m going to learn grow and change. My actions will be different each day also. So who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. 

everyday is new it brings new life lessons new beauty we haven’t seen yet. And each days new adventures changes us. 

we all have the same basic life fundamentals. Food water clothes. We all seek love. Even if we are not sure what loves means to us. Maybe it’s a feeling you get inside you. Maybe you’re numb from life’s lessons. But we each interpret it differently. And even this can change daily. 

we each have our own life values. And these change a lot in people I’ve come to realize. They also change daily. 

What makes us, us? Is it our lifestyle? Or our values? Is it our feelings for that day? 

when I hear people ask that question I see these three basic answers: I’m honest, loyal and trustworthy. These are great answers who wouldn’t want to be with someone with these qualities. Right?

Well now let’s look at these answers: isn’t  trustworthy and honest kind of the same answer? Then there’s Loyal that’s also a great answer but who are you loyal to? 

I have been thinking about this question lately and I am no different I came up with these same three answers with a few  other  also. But then thought about it.  if my answers are the same as your answers, does that make us the same. How can we be the same and yet different? 

and then thought if these are the same answers for everyone do we live in a perfect world? Because if we are all trustworthy loyal and honest then we have nothing to fear? Right. 

so yes I like to say I’m loyal I’m trustworthy and honest. And I do my best to do what’s right even if it’s hard and my hands sweat and legs shake having to admit I made a mistake, And take responsibility for my Actions or words. 

Just me thinking inside my head.

hope you all have a wonderful day.

So as I stated I have been gone from this site for a while and on a journey. 

it has been a journey from hell I pray no mother ever has to through. Fact I pray no one ever has to go through. 

my son went missing not really missing I knew what town he was in but not where he was. Everyone told me he was an addict and I had to wait for him to ask for help. So I did. What I didn’t knew was that my son had affective schizophrenia. Yes he did drugs to help stop the voices in his head. And drugs actually help from what I’ve learned but cause other problems as we all know. 

I have learned a lot about affective schizophrenia in this year. But I wanted to share our journey with you all. 

last July 30th I decided I had waited long enough for him to come to me for help. So I took time off from work and I drove from Colorado to California to find him. When I got there I walked through homeless camps and the streets to find him. I talk to so many homeless people listened to them tell me their stories and meet a lot of very nice people. Some I will say not so nice. But thanking god for my protection during that time. After three days I found my son. He didn’t recognize me and ran. I ran behind him till he stopped then I sat on the hot concrete and sang to him “ I’m standing with you”. When one of the other homeless men started yelling at me cussing at me I just kept singing. If you’ve ever heard me sing you’d say probably not a great idea. But I didn’t care I just kept singing to him. Once the other man started getting physically with me my son still did nothing he was trying to process that it was really me. When the man pulled out his penis and started walking towards me. My son got up and pushed him told him to leave me alone. I just kept singing with tears coming down my face like the Niagara Falls. My son then squated down and touched my face and asked if I was real. I didn’t move but said yes it’s me mom I’m here baby. He didn’t say another word just stood and walked to my car. The other man told me I couldn’t have my son. And the mother bear came out. I stood and stared at him and told him to try and stop me from taking my son back. I was terrified. But the next thing I knew my son was throwing rice crispy treats at the man and told me to get in the car. When I got in the car I asked my son what was that. He just smiled and said you always have snacks and he’s hungry. My son didn’t talk after that. I just thought I was fighting drug addiction little did I know my battle was sooooo much bigger. 

we went to a motel and he just layed on the bed and slept for over 14 hours. When he got up he showered and I gave him the bag of new clothes and shoes. Which I’m so glad i got and took with me. My son had no shoes he was walking on hot concrete burning his feet. He said thank you but nothing else. I had cigarettes for him and he smoked a lot. I took him to eat. He order so much food our bill was over a hundred dollars just for two people he couldn’t even eat all the food he ordered but it was there for him. After day two he was on the hunt for a drug score i was told by someone who I was talking to that was in a program. I had no home to take him to as I lived with other people and couldn’t take him back there due to a toddler living there. I couldn’t take the chance not that My son would hurt the child in his right mind but again I thought I was just detoxing him. So I didn’t know his mind set. So I did the craziest thing and offered him an Alaska Cruze lol he couldn’t run he could get medical and he couldn’t hopefully find drugs. He declined that so my oldest son said bring him here. He lived in DC my son agreed to go see his brother so we started driving to DC. Things got ugly as drove. and when we got to New Mexico. My oldest son decided it wasn’t safe for me to drive alone with him so he flew out and then made the trip with us. During this I was bite spit on and a lot of things went out the car window. I watched my son cry scram pull his hair. But something wasn’t right. When my oldest got there we talked while the other one slept. He said that the voices my son was having was due to drugs. But something still didn’t sit right with me. I started listening to my gut. We stayed with my oldest for two weeks. I drove to Virginia visited with a friend then drove back to DC then to Virginia to visit a friend of my sons. Then to Oklahoma so he could visit his grandfathers grave. The we went to Texas to my oldest daughter’s home, where my son had a complete breakdown we had to call the police. Now I had called the police twice in other states  before this but my son was in the military and was military police so when the cops would come my son knew all the right words to say. But not in Texas they actually have a mental health police team. They took him in. My son was put in a mental health hospital where they discovered that he had affective schizophrenia. They were the ones to tell me that in my sons case this started before the drugs. I didn’t know I’d never heard of this. So after three weeks he was given medication which I paid out of pocket. Everyone says why didn’t you take him to the VA. Well that’s easy my son is terrified of the VA. His voices were his fellow soldiers and he would argue with them. He thought he was chipped by the government and they were after him. Which I have found out comes from what he did in his time of service.

we found an outside mental hospital for my son but I didn’t have the money for him to go to it. We called the VA for an emergency physc referral we were told it would take two weeks. While waiting for that two weeks my son tried to commit suicide. I had left my son with his sister to go back to work at that time he was on his medication and I’d been off work for almost three months. I have gone though my life saving and my retirement. So when this happened I asked for a family leave of absence only to find out that because the contract at my job had changed I didn’t qualify for it because I hadn’t been with the new company for a year. I have sat at the same desk doing the same job for over seven years but as you all know government contracts change. When they do nobody qualifies for fmla. The life of Civilian contractors who knew. I do now lol. So I did what every mother would I handed in my letter. And I packed my stuff and headed off to Texas.

Long story I know sorry

my son has now been voices free for two months we finally have the right medication for him. He is doing fantastic I’m so proud of him. But a few things I found to help him. 

One: Hume him something to love….. he has a puppy

Two give him something to do……… golf fishing and I take him delivering food to make money so I can pay our rent and car payment.

three: give him something to look forward to…… he is going to start school we work delivering the food to pay our bills but also to pay for him to go to school. 

Affective schizophrenia is caused by trauma guys it’s real. It’s a whole new level of PTSD. 

yes I’ve been to the VA for help no we have received any financial help. I can’t even get them to restart his pay. I’ve given up on the VA really. we are making it and that’s what matters. I do have them covering his medication now thank god because his monthly shots were costing me 6k a month. And this piggy bank is smashed to tiny pieces I was so terrified I wouldn’t be able to continue them. But Texas helped me till the VA finally would. I’m so grateful to Texas they have the best system I’ve found so far. Am I  done with this no not yet my son will probably live with me the rest of his life and mine. He is better but stress causes him to go backwards. And right now my ex husband and other kids are actually making it almost impossible for me and him. I know they don’t understand and they all like to think I don’t know what I’m talking about and I pray they are right.

I’m actually afraid my son won’t make it through July due to them not listening to me. I have a feeling Its going to go like this. One bachelor party then wedding and my gut says a funeral. All because no one wants to listen to me. 

guys don’t give up on people they are worth the effort and if you don’t care about others how can ask anyone to care about you. 

what has kept me going through all of this something someone told me a long time ago. 

not everyday is a good day. BUTT there’s something good about everyday.

thank you for letting write this I needed to get it out. I think just taking this time for myself is the biggest thing. And I hope maybe I’ve helped someone else. Follow your gut and your heart. 

Well it’s been a very long time since I’ve written a blog. Sorry life. 

so I have been asked this question toilet seat up or down. Yes it sounds crazy but it’s a real question and some people really get upset about this. lol I find it funny. But I prefer the toilet seat down and not just the seat the lid also. You see when you go number two and flush the poop particles go up in the air and get all over your bathroom. So to me whole lid down solves the problem. And it also save poop particles from getting on your toothbrush hairbrush and everything else in the bathroom. 

all five of my kids have laughed at me through the years until they finally found an article about it. Now after 30 some years I’m a Genius. 😂🤣

So in my mind the question has an answer finally. 

So today something happened to me. I have about a gazillion feels running though my mind and body. 

so I have been cooking for this man who is a friend of a friend of mine’s family. I hope I explained that right. But anyway I go buy the groceries then take it home and cook the meals. Then I pack it up and take it to him. He’s always paid for the food and then paid me a few dollars. I’ve always thought of it as being nice and just helping someone. Well my friend saw what I was cooking for him and then asked how much he pays me. I don’t mind and I told her. She blew up like not a little like a firecracker. I don’t understand and told her he didn’t have to I always let him pay what he could afford. I mean he lives in a junkyard. 

that was not the problem she said. She looked at me and got mad again. I was like what’s wrong I don’t understand? She took a deep breath and said you’ve spent 6 hours cooking and I don’t know how long shopping. Then you pack it up and deliver it. I said yes. She said your cooking him amazing meals and what he is paying you is not right. I told her I didn’t set a price and it was fine I didn’t mind helping people. She then told me never mind. Today as usual I took the food over but then when he paid me I had to tell him that’s way to much. He then insisted that I take it.

My friend had called him and told him he was taking advantage of me. She then called me and told me that he was very rich and choose to live that way and that he was not a poor money wise old man. He was very finically well off. And at no point was it ok for him to pay me what he had been paying. 

now I have never in my life had someone stand up for me like this. To me this is very new territory. She made me feel well I’m sure because it’s new. I’m so very confused and I have cried almost all day. It isn’t about the money I enjoy helping people and I would do it for free but that’s not the point of this blog today. It’s how, I’m not sure really my feeling on this but someone standing up for me I guess protecting me is new. She may just be a friend but oh honestly I don’t know I’m so confused and have a gazillion feelings running through me. I can’t even imagine having a man care this much about me. These feeling are new to me and sure how to take it. But I wish everyone this safety security feeling or even maybe just the feeling that they matter in life.