Random entries.

Not having control is overwhelming.

TLDR : Group assignments suck and incompetence drives me insane.

University vent post incoming :

I've had quite a few group assignments this semester, and I'm sure I'll have more in the next one. And as always, a classic complaint, is work division.

My friend told me to work with another girl, "E", she used to be classmates with, saying she always had good grades, so she must be responsible. I thought "cool", and that girl and I signed up for 3 assignments together (along with other people). Her and I got along well so I was thinking it would be fine.

I was wrong.

First deadline. No one is doing anything. I'm pushing for a meeting so we could pick the research question and work on it. The guy in the group is too chill, and "E" is just, not replying. I pick the question, I make a plan, I divide the work (give myself the biggest part so I'm 100% sure it's done) and ask for their opinion, if there's anything to change. They say it's all good. The guy worked efficiently, which surprised me. The girl... I had to beg her to send me her work. Literally beg. I even offered to do it. She insisted and said she was making it, she just needed to summarize it. She took 4 hours to summarize a half page long paragraph. She said she felt bad and she would take care of the references. It was so badly done, I could have screamed. I asked her to send me the file so I could change it, and she refused. She kept sending me photos asking what to change and how, but wouldn't send me the file. Because she wanted to be the one to submit it to the prof.

It drove me absolutely insane. It was out of my hands and I couldn't do anything.

The deadline was met anyways, so ok. Let's move on.

Second assignment. She did nothing. Absolutely nothing. The group we were with sucked, one girl proclaimed herself leader, which pissed me off. But I thought, fine. She was aggressive with me, which resulted in a 15 minute restroom crying session (happens to the best of us.). Not important. "E", who drove me crazy on the other assignment, didn't do a single thing. She just showed up for the presentation, said her part, and left. She was sick. But she got sick 2 days before the presentation. She could have worked on the actual paper before. Like I did. Like we all did. Except her. Her excuse ? "The atmosphere in the group didn't motivate me." Bitch- is the deadline not motivating enough? The work was worth 25% of the final exam grade!

But what really made me want to strangle her was the last group assignment.

It had to be submitted on the 29th of December. Revision period before exams was from the 26th of December to the 7th of January. So right in the middle of that period. We had exams to prepare, so we all agreed to submit early. All. Including her. So, by the 26th,  me and another guy were done. The 27th, the second guy was also done, and we decide to have a group call. She pops in the call, says she's at a family dinner, but she doesn't mind staying with us on the call. I ask about her work, since it's on a shared doc and her part isn't on it, thinking she didn't have acceptor it, and she says she'll add it later, it's just copy-paste. I leave for 5 mins to feed my cat and when I return, I asked what I missed, the guys say it was about the deadline and I go "oh, yeah, I'm staying up late, so if "E" adds her part, I can put it all together tonight and send it tomorrow.". It gets real quiet and she says, that she can't do it tonight, but she'll send her work max the next day, morning. And then she asks "Are you okay with that? You want to send it early cause you're suuuuuper stressed and stuff, like, you're not mad?", and I was just internally bristling. The tone didn't sit well with me, but I still said okay, because it felt like she was making me out to be crazy. When she left the call, the guys confirmed that she said I was too stressed about it and was putting a lot of pressure on them, but they said they didn't feel like I was pressuring them, since I didn't once ask or demand one of them to hurry up. It's just "E" that felt pressured even though I didn't speak to her about it. I finished the rest of the work with the guys, all there was left was the copy-paste thing. The next day, the 28th, I get on the doc to improve some parts. Her part is not there. I keep checking it the whole day. Her part is still not there. At 8pm, I thought I'd text her, wondering if she really didn't have access, since we made another doc with the boys and she didn't open the group chat. She doesn't open my message and didn't post her part. The next day, 29th, last day to submit, I suggested a group call. Everyone said okay, one guy isn't around but he gave us free reign for everything, since his part was done anyways, we just had to copy-paste one thing at the end. Who do I see on the doc, typing her part ? "E". It wasn't copy-paste. She was typing. She hadn't done her work. She's super agressive on the call, all cold and curt, she accuses me of being some grade-obsessed psycho, stressing over the deadline. And I go :" when did I say I was stressed? You assumed." And she goes "Well you texted me last night about the work!", and I just thought, the nerve. I didn't want to embarrass her in the group chat about her missing work, so I texted her privately, which she apparently read without opening the message, and didn't reply, and didn't do her work despite that message. She said she would send it and she'd keep the file last because she wanted to do her font "in peace". We had a mandatory font. New Times Roman, 12. At that point, I'm angry. I feel like I'm not controlling anything. Every suggestion I give, she ignores it until the guy says that my suggestion was good. I was just slowly spiraling. And her part wasn't done ! At 9pm, she send the file, saying she couldn't add the part of the other guy. Meaning, she took 7 hours, just to "copy-paste" her shit? Right. She didn't do her work, and was doing it last minute. I finished the work. I added the guy's part, fixed up the font on some parts, added a cover page, page numbers, a table of contents, references. Then I submitted.

"E" and I haven't talked since. We've been taking our exams now, since the 8th of January. And she made it a point to ignore me. Good riddance.

But this whole experience made me realize just how much I need to have control. The moment it's out of my hands, I just spiral. I'm talking shortness of breath and shaky hands. It's probably something I need to work on. But how can I work on that when I can't trust anyone to do things well?

The thing with group assignments, is that I naturally take the lead, but it's a gentle kind of lead, it's more like guidance. Because everyone is fucking incompetent, is what I want to say. But I think I just feel more secure having that control. At least I'm not overbearing about it, I don't want to be that kind of person. Also, I hate taking orders from someone I don't consider worthy of ordering me. I just take it as a challenge. I'd like to also note that I only take the lead, when I see that no one is trying to get started on the work, or they're lost, or uncaring and I just feel like I have to take matters into my hands, because a passing grade is enough, but I want an actual good grade, thank you. With how much we pay for uni, I kind of expected people to care a bit more about assignments. Like, is it too much to ask? Some participation ? Involvement ? Effort ?

Next semester, I'll try to ask to be solo on some assignments and projects. Is it more work? Technically, yes. But would it still end up being less mental strain for me? Absolutely. And this is coming from someone with executive dysfunction.

Anyways, long blog. Just me venting because I had an exam today and someone joked that I surprisingly didn't look like an overly stressed person and when I asked where they got that from, they almost said "E"'s full name before switching and bringing up my class rep position. I actually didn't notice at first, it was only after thinking back on the interaction that I figured out a certain someone has been talking behind my back.

Oh well.

I've been hit by a streak of bad luck. Or unfortunate happenings.

It's both concerning and amusing (not really.).

I've had two, TWO fire drills and it's only Tuesday. It would have been fine, if my class wasn't on the 5th floor of an old building. And no, one floor doesn't mean one set of stairs. It's 3 sets. Because the architect decided that every class needed a massively high ceiling. I'm complaining because I'm sore from the gym. Very bad timing.

My umbrella broke. I had an umbrella breaking curse during middle school when every single one I touched would just, well, break. I thought that was over. But I clearly got too comfortable, because someone bumped into me today, making me drop my umbrella. They apologized, I waved them off saying it was fine, I pick it up and try to open it, but lo and behold, it doesn't open. And it's raining cats and dogs.

I'm standing at the bus stop, as one does, I see the bus coming, and I step forward. Right at that moment, some driver who should get his license revoked, quickly parks right before the bus arrives, to drop someone off at the station. Was he careful of the massive water puddle? Absolutely not. So I got drenched. The jackass didn't even apologize. I was wearing my white coat...

My train was late.

The vending machine at the train station didn't work.

I slipped while going down the stairs towards the train platform (I'm fine, just saw my life flash before my eyes).

All this, just today. And it's not even 4pm yet. I'm cancelling my evening workout. Better safe than sorry.

EDIT : I just broke my nail 😭 

Since Tuesday, my usual tram line has been suspended.

The first month of classes, I didn't take the tram, and instead walked 20 minutes to campus after getting off the train. The weather was nice enough and mild, so I didn't mind so much. I enjoyed it, even. I like walking. With music, I could walk for hours.

But it's hardly as fun when it's raining cats and dogs and the wind makes it impossible to hold an umbrella. Which was the case yesterday. No tram. Another temporary line was added, but it stops 10 minutes away from campus. So that's 10 minutes under the rain.

Less than half my major came to class, and those who attended were, for the most part, drenched. Me included. Obviously, I wasn't in the best of moods.

And today, I was told that the line will stay suspended for 6 to 8 weeks. Apparently the railways collapsed. But... I couldn't see anything when I observed the worksite while walking. Maybe it's underground? Railways and such aren't my specialty, so I can't say if 6 weeks is a long time... But as a commuter, I am beyond annoyed. 

This will ruin my mornings now. Add to that the cold and rain and wind... Ugh.

Just a silly little post.

-LB

The title says it all. My cat is currently blind.

He wasn't when I adopted him, but according to the vet, it's a genetic condition and he's been gradually losing his sight.

The changes were subtle. He was always a bit clumsy, but he still jumped on furniture with ease, so I didn't think much of it. 

But then, recently, he lost the bell of one of his toys and he stopped reacting to it when I waved it. Because it was silent. But if I tap it on the ground, or move it fast enough to make a sound, he's alert and playful again. I thought maybe he just wanted noisy stuff?

But then again, the foster home I got him from called me to ask if he turned blind like his siblings and I booked an appointment to check because everything was suddenly adding up. Except that my baby was still an adept hunter and had no issue jumping from my bed to my desk. Everything else, though, was adding up.

The vet sent me to a specialist who confirmed that yes, his retina was no longer functioning properly, almost no blood was getting to it. For now, he sees shadows and big shapes, but soon, he won't see anything. Still, he's considered blind.

According to her, it's genetic and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, slow it down or stop it. And I could have spent years not noticing unless I moved furniture around, because then he'd bump into it. The reason why he was jumping and running around with grace and ease? He memorized the layout. We could play fetch because he could estimate where the toy would land. And he can smell.

It kinda breaks my heart. I know he'll be fine, he's not in pain, and he can clearly manage. But it still makes me sad that he won't be able to see me, or anyone, anymore. It must be so lonely. And confusing. It's not like I can explain to him what's happening. Or more like, what happened.

But I'm doing research so I can care for him properly. I stopped picking him up as often, unless he practically asks for it (Yes, he does, and it's adorable) and I started tapping things when I move them so he knows where they are. Other than that, nothing really changed. Sometimes I even forget he can't see.

He still plays fetch and he loves the new bell on his toy. But yeah, he's blind. And I don't love him any less.

I won't write anything elaborate, not that I ever do.

But...

Imagine getting blocked after being called "weird and annoying" for saying you weren't interested.

Hilarious, right ?

These past few months have been pretty rough and this genuinely cracked me up. I laughed so hard my sides hurt-

So, thanks asshole, I really needed that laugh.

(On a serious note though, I had to say I wasn't interested up to three times. I know third time's the charm, but damn. Learn to read. It's literally on my profile.)

A break up is never easy. Regardless of who initiates it.

My first break up was somewhat implicit. They were two-timing me and then eventually they ghosted me. We talked it out a couple of months later and we remained on friendly terms.

My second one, I initiated it. I was getting dependent and my needs were not being met or even considered. Still, ending it was hard and I had to disappear for a while just so I wouldn't fall right back into where I was. It was a D/s relationship and the healing afterwards was... Difficult.

My third and last one was today. They were my friend. My best friend. We would have celebrated our second anniversary in June, had I forced myself to endure it a bit longer. But I ended it. Because I was hurting. And they weren't seeing it.  I didn't want to say anything at first, I convinced myself I was being needy and unreasonable, and they had a busy life, I couldn't possibly demand time or attention. "Look what happened last time.", I'd tell myself. Who was I to demand these things? Eventually, someone had to drill it into my head that those were basic needs and that I had every right to want them. I started leaving hints, then outright saying that I was upset, but except an apology and a little effort for a couple of days, nothing truly changed.

And I was tired. So very tired. 

Still, I said nothing because I didn't want to hurt them. I was their first relationship. I couldn't ruin it for them the same way my first relationship broke my heart.

I thought I was trying to not be selfish. Except, the opposite of being selfish isn't being selfless. 

I was breaking my own heart by enduring the distance, the neglect, the half-assed efforts, the lack of communication... It wasn't all bad. Because we were friends. But I felt like that was all we were. There was no love there. I couldn't feel it. Not anymore.

And it hurt.

It took me a while to understand that others' emotions and feelings weren't my responsibility. Not when it's at my expense.

The break up wasn't easy. I didn't know how to bring it up, but they knew. They gave me time to think of my words, to express myself. They knew it was coming. And they were okay with it.

And it was only when I was done that I realized... That was the most emotion I ever showed them. Because I was wearing a mask the whole time. 

I had to cut my camera to cry for a bit while they talked about their upcoming projects. I asked questions, I kept the conversation going, and if they heard me crying, they didn't comment on it. 

I did the right thing. For myself. But I still feel sad. I feel bad. There's always this guilt that says I could have sucked it up longer. But until when? And to what end?

Perhaps I am simply not cut out for long distance.

I'll just go to bed and rest. Moving on will be hard, but going forward is the only way I can go now.

- LB

My first blog on this website had been a rant. I deleted it now, simply because it seemed like an invitation for a talk.

Which I didn't mind, if anything I found most people's insight quite interesting.

Now, I'm starting another one because I'm bored. Or maybe I'm distracting myself because the season is getting colder, meaning my exams are peeking from over the horizon. I'm writing on the train though, so it doesn't really count as procrastination. What else could I possibly do ? Read my penal code ? (Which weights a ton, I'm positive my shoulder will bruise by the time I get home.)

What I usually do when I have nothing "interesting" to read on the train is try to observe my surroundings, try to assess it. It's a fun thing, though I know a few who would argue it's a childish game.

Right now, the seats feel hard and uncomfortable. Especially when I've been seating on firm wooden surfaces all day.

There's a stench of alcohol. I can't determine where it's from. I'm usually good at spotting drunks and avoiding them. But I can't seem to figure out where it's coming from and it's putting me on edge.

There's a light buzzing sound. Perhaps from the neon lighting. They're strangely arranged. One white, one yellow. You'd think there's a pattern, but a bit further ahead, there are double yellows and triple whites... Odd.

The announcement voice is grating to the ears. It feels like someone was speaking with their mouth stuck to the mic.

Someone is tapping their foot. It's sharp, so probably a heel.

I hear paper turning. And sure enough, if I peek between the seats, I can see an elderly man reading a newspaper. I usually see those in the morning. He seems quite focused, I wonder what's so interesting. I don't like newspapers, the ink stains my fingers and the paper is so thin, I'm afraid I'd rip it. I'm clumsy with my hands. Paper cuts are just my thing.

There aren't that many people, despite it not being the last train of the night. No one from my university takes this train this late though. "Maybe I'll get a dorm room next year", is what I think every time I leave the lecture hall at night and feel the biting cold. I think it will snow heavily this year.

I liked my dorm room during my exchange. It was small. And depressing. But I was 5 mins away from campus and nothing could beat that.

Many skip the night lectures. I wish my conscience would allow me to, but I crave academic validation, so I just wear sneakers, grab my anti-attack alarm and hope my parents accumulated enough favours with their God for my protection. It's silly. I know my code is enough of a weapon. So heavy...

They announced my station.

I'll stop my rambling here. Thanks for the company.

I still wonder where the smell of alcohol is from...

-LB