Contemplations and Speculations of a Dominant Butch

Hey there, it's been a minute.

I've been quietly lurking here in The Cage off and on for a while now, silently checking in every few weeks. I have only just now found myself with a desire to say more, only to be taken aback by the fact that it has been 4 years since I was present here with any sort of regularity.

Time is the eternal march, after all. Always moving forward, stopping for no one, no matter how much one might beg and plead. That's a lesson I think I've learned well, right alongside the fact that certain things in life are inevitable. 

The reason for the break in my silence: I was reading through a blog post here today that got me reflecting on the way that time had changed me in both my everyday life and in the way I practice kink (shout-out to the lovely Bunnie who seems to always have something thought provoking to share).

It's amazing how much older I feel now in heart, mind, and soul than I did the last time I felt the need to paste my words here for anyone to see.

The weight of experience has been heavy as of late, and I find myself wishing for the lighter days, when the worst thing to happen to me was the end of a relationship or something as trivial as things not quite working out the way that I wanted them to.

The world feels heavier now than it did in those simpler times, but the weight just means those moments of joy and equilibrium are that much more precious now.

My life has become less about chasing the things that I want with reckless abandon, and more about waiting for those things to come to me. That's not to say I won't put in the effort when things are worth it, but I think I'm less driven by the thirst for experience now, and am more searching for quality. (That can probably just be attributed to the fact that I've realized that my life will not last forever, and in fact at this stage will likely be much shorter than most's). Quality is far greater than quantity, especially when it comes to time.

That weight of time has also given me a confidence that I don't think I possessed before. A self-assuredness in the way that I exist that is more quiet and true than what I believe to be the more boisterous, semi put-on confidence of my youth.

This is probably the most visible change in me, definitely the most relevant in the context of The Cage, and it all stems from the fact that I've realized that I have nothing to prove. Being a 'good' dominant, or even just a good person, doesn't mean playing to the norms, putting out the 'right image', or following some obtuse set of 'rules' that differ with every person you speak to. There isn't a cheat code, or a Ten Commandments, no matter how enthusiastically you might search for one after finding your way here. 

Now, I'm not about to be bold enough to try to tell you what being a good dominant is actually about because I think I'll be trying to learn the ins and outs of that one for the rest of my life. In my humble opinion, that is the truth about living and experiencing kink in a healthy way. Always learning.

But, after all that is said and done, the most important thing that time has taught me is this: myself and those I interact with in a meaningful way are the only people who I need to impress or prove anything to. Beyond a healthy degree of consideration for those around me, everything else just doesn't matter in the greater scheme of things. I wish someone would have told me that sooner, or maybe just said it to me in a way that I listened.

But that is youth in a nutshell, isn't it? Learning things the hard way. After all, the weight of time is sometimes the best and only teacher.

To anyone reading my late night impulsive ramblings, I hope the weight of time is kind to you.

- Ceus

Why is it that trying to get to know people can be so hard sometimes?

You'd think I'd be good at it by now, right? It's not like I haven't had enough practice. I (just like everyone else) have had my entire lifetime to perfect the art of getting to know new people. I may not have perfected it yet, but I am able to recognize that gaining a mutual understanding with someone takes time and effort from all parties. Unfortunately, that fact doesn't seem to be common knowledge among most of the people I've been trying to get to know lately, and as much as I might try, getting to know each other is a two way street.

I spent a large part of my day today trying to get to know the people around me (both online and in my daily life) and getting no sort of depth out of their responses. This is exceptionally frustrating and disappointing for me. The lack of follow up questions, interest, and effort makes me feel as if I'm the only one trying. The responses to my attempts at driving a conversation were noncommittal and dissinterested at best, to a degree that more than once left me wondering if the person I was talking to was even interested in speaking to me anymore. And these dissinterested people supposedly want to spend more time with me or even (in some cases) submit to me? It just doesn't make sense to me. 

Maybe my view on the importance of getting to know and communicate with people is just different than most?

Am I old fashioned in the fact that I want to get to know someone before juampig into any form of relationship with them, even if it is just a friendship?

Am I the odd one out? 

Maybe. 

Here we go again. 

Before I let myself get going on spilling my thoughts onto my keyboard again, I wanted to say a quick thank you to those who liked, read, commented, and sent me messages on or regarding my first blog post. I created this blog on a whim, and it felt good (and admittedly strange) to know that people were reading, enjoying, and engaging in my inner thoughts.  

That having been said, reading my blog is not the kind of reading that the title of this post is referring to. 

Allow me to explain. Oh, and fair warning: this doesn't really have anything to do with BDSM. It's just me letting my inner toughts out of the cage in my head for a while. 

I had a bit of an realization the other day as I was spending time with someone new in my life, and I keep finding my mind wondering back to what I discovered over and over again. Before I get into this realization, I feel the need to give a bit of backstory. Preemptively explain myself, if you will. I'm not going to get into details, so please don't try to ask me to, and I am not searching for pity, or misplaced apologies over what I'm about to say. I'm a different, better person now, and I wouldn't be where I am now if not for everything I've been through. 

That being said, here it goes.

The latter part of my childhood was.... atypical, and exceptionally hard, to say the very least. The short, highly edited version is this; I was manipulated and abused for the majority of my childhood by someone I trusted completely, and I didn't realize the lies, manipulation, and deceit until they were (thankfully) gone from my life.

It is what it is; I just felt it was relevant for people to know before I share what I have to say next. 

Anyways, my realization was this; I am exceptionally good at reading others now, and I am constantly doing it unconsciously. Reading a persons subtle tendencies: their avoidance of topics, their speech patterns, eye contact, presence or lack of movement, even the words chosen or not chosen in a text message. I find myself automatically analyzing all of it, and I'm not entirely sure when it started, or how I've gone so long not noticing that I was doing this.

I mean, don't get me wrong. There have been plenty of times that I've walked away from someone and said to myself 'Something about that was odd. Don't trust them. Don't listen to them. At least not yet.' (I'm sure every one of you who is reading this has had one of those moments before.) But I'd never been able to pinpoint exactly what it was that was causing me to reach that conclusion. I'd always simply associated it with intuition, or "just a gut feeling". It wasn't until I was mid conversation with that someone the other day that I've previously mentioned, and my mind was suddenly screaming at me 'That thing she just did! She's trying to manipulate you. Don't let it happen!' And after that moment, I find myself noticing that I'm doing this constantly; alwasy analyzing those around me. It's kind of jarring when I notice it actually, but I'm slowly adjusting to it. 

But, the realization itself isn't what is keeping me up late once again, clicking away at my keyboard. No, it's the repercussions that are bothering me, and keeping my mind occupied late at night. I know that doing this is most likely just me trying to subconsciously (or now consciously, I suppose) protect myself from any unnecessary pain, as both my conscious and unconscious brain really don't want to go through being manipulated again. But is doing this actually helping me, or hurting me? 

As a Dom, I think being able to read people is an exceptionally good skill to have, right? I mean, I find myself usually able to tell what someone wants from me within a few moments of spending time around them (or at the very least I'll have a mental list of all the possible things they could want from me). I'm able to gauge a persons response to things I could say or do to them with an almost scarily high degree of accuracy. For those that I've spent a decent amount of time around (friends, coworkers, etc.), I find myself able to predict almost exactly what comes out of their mouth in response to what someone else has said. Those are all good abilities to have, right?

But the troubling thing is this: how do I know that I'm right? I mean, as of yet I haven't come across any instance that I've been wrong, but I'm sure that I've been wrong about someone or something in the past. Plus I've only been paying attention to the results of my calculated assumptions for the past week or two (at most). Should I allow myself to continue to operate on this admittedly kind of ridiculous thing that I'm doing? Or should I be doing everything I can to try to stop this weird tendency I've developed? 

I have yet to decide. 

There have been multiple occasions lately where I've found myself pondering a question that I've yet to determine the answer to. I decided that maybe sharing my thoughts here would be a good place to start on figuring it out. Maybe it will bring me some clarity. Or maybe someone will have something to say about it. 

Here is what I find my mind wandering back to time and time again: How did I get like this? 

I know, it's a pretty broad question. It's actually a question I've asked myself multiple times in my relatively short lifetime, all in regards to different things. Some of the answers to this question have been exceptionally simple, others much more complex. But this time seems to be the most baffling of all, and being the type of person I am, not having the answer is bothering me more than I would like to admit.

But I suppose its past time that I told you what I was actually talking about this time around. 

How did I become Dominant? Was I always this way? Or was I shaped to be this way by my admittedly troubled childhood? 

You see, I've spent more than my fair share of time lurking around the wealth of knowledge that is The Cage and other similar places, and I've seen many a submissive directly correlate their current tendancies to past trauma, experiences, non-romantic relationships, etc., but I've yet to see a dom do the same. Am I the only one around who can see a plausible connection between the lack of control in my own childhood and my desire for it now, as an adult? Or am I the outlier for thinking that it's possible that there could possibly be a reason for me being the way I am? Should I do what others seem to be doing and just assume that I was designed to be this way? Or should I attempt more self reflection, and continue to allow this debate to keep me up into the early hours of the morning?

Typing this out now, I suppose my question isnt that dissimilar to the old debate of Nature vs. Nurture. And maybe, just like that age old quandary, I'll never have a definitive answer.

But does it matter either way? I suppose not, as I'm happy with the way I am. I enjoy experiencing and exploring this side of myself. Does it really matter where it came from?