Newbie thoughts

well, i suppose the cage is my area to vent now, so here goes:

someone was talking about sharing trigger warnings in a dungeon environment, and proudly proclaiming that there is no way that they will post such things. i'm new, and i don't even go to dungeons, but, misunderstandings about trigger warnings are annoying. not as though i am the pinnacle of information when it comes to such things. but how hard is it to care about other people?

is there just a massive miscommunication on what trigger warnings are?

they're like the ingredients label for food. if you're cooking food in your own home, do you need to share the ingredients label? no. however, if you're bringing a potluck or sharing your dish with others, you need to let people know what's in your dish. so that they can consume responsibly. so that if they have a specific allergy, they can go, 'oh, yeah, i'll just not eat that dish'. it's exactly like that, but for your brain. it's not like people can control their allergies or their triggers. but if you know what to expect, you can prepare for it, (i.e. lactose pills for lactose intolerance, or a game plan for dealing with it mentally). or, if something unexpectedly sets you off, you can look at the ingredients list, and now, voila!, you know what to avoid or address. you don't have to be responsible for other people, but trigger warnings allow other people to be responsible for themselves. ptsd and mental health is no joke. i apologize if you know what trigger warnings are, but i'm tired of miscommunication about them that leads to people thinking that people taking care of their mental health are just 'complaining'. no, they're trying to survive, and engage in their community. and when you joyfully exclaim that you don't do trigger warnings, you've just said that anyone with ptsd or any mental health concern is not welcome around you.

i remember going to an art show in college that my class was required to attend. i'm an old, so this is waaay before trigger warnings. the show was performance art and included graphic and gory scenes of surgeries that the performance artist went through. one of the students had the first seizure of her life there. it was a trigger for her. it was unknown. it was out of her control. can you imagine how terrifying that must've been??? it was terrifying for me, and i was just a bystander. trigger warnings only let people know what to watch out for, it doesn't stop the event. it doesn't force anyone to change anything. it's like a signpost on a road telling people, there's falling rocks ahead, or slippery when wet (heheheh) so that people can respond accordingly. that is not fucking hard. and it is fucking awesome that we can help others like that in such an easy way.

i've seen you kinky fuckers. i've seen you talk about scenes, and preparing for scenes, and getting supplies for scenes, and looking for ideas for scenes, and practicing for scenes and getting experience for scenes, and looking at pictures of scenes, and negotiating contracts for scenes and etc. etc. etc. it's awesome and i love it. but there's no way that you can bullshit me and tell me that trigger warnings are too hard for you, or too unnecessary. that's a pile and we can both smell the stink.

with australia on fire, and the political sphere an actual dumpster fire, my mood keeps shifting to the same one i had when i watched 'melancholia' (gods that movie is a mindfuck). *sigh* 2020.

end

let me touch your face with love

as stars fall around us

soft and sure

fast and dying

let me touch your brow

such a sweet face

that shared sorrows

and joys

let me touch your face with love

as the world slows

its spin

no longer fresh

with rain

no sun to rise again

let me touch your face with love

gentle finger tips

upon your lids

eyes that saw my child when born

and gazed in mine

with love's bliss

let me touch your face with love

recarve your lips to

fit my shape

the mouth that opened

on words so kind

they changed the

very air they kissed

let me touch your face with love

as the seas dry

and no more tears

will fall

no more salt water for us

only runnels showing

where water once sprung

let me touch your face with love

and together we will

remember

rolling fields with trees

and grass so soft

the scent of green

a broken home

let me touch your face with love

let me feel the warmth

that lingers

as your flesh stills

as the forests burn

as the wind kills

as time turns

without us,

i will always

have your face of love

and you will always

have my touch

super sappy, but i'm a sappy sort. just when you love someone, it doesn't matter who, it could be a lover, a child, family, friends, it's so hard to convey to them sometimes, how much you love them. all you can do is give them your heart, right?

if only my  words

could fall

like dry leaves all around you

surround your face

like a curtain of hair

closing your sight

to nothing but me

and my eyes

and my lips

and my love

if only my heart

was yours to hold

in your warm hand

to beat out the tempo

of love for you:

hold it to your breast

feel my life beat for you

if only we could fall

like drops of rain

and be caught in each others'

mouths eyelashes hair

to be with you

would be worth

dissipation

if only you could

drink my soul

and feel my words

maybe then you would own

what I am

maybe then the pain

would end

when I am inside you,

my words in your ear

my heart in your chest

my tears in your eyes

maybe, when all I am is a memory

a brush of soft hair on your face

a touch of love on your hand

a whisper of warmth wrapped around you

maybe, then you will love me.

maybe then you will know

you were loved

love people like you love your pets.

i love cats, i love all cats.

the grumpy cats that don't want to be petted: ok, buddy, keep your space, i'll admire you from afar and give you some snacks.

lap cats that only want to lay on you all day: yes! we shall lay together for hours and hours and sleep together and snuggle at every opportunity!!

feisty cats that lure you in wanting you to pet them only to bite you after two pets: it's ok baby, i'll pet you at your pace, if you only want two pets at a time, that's ok!

the hygienically challenged old cats: ooh, your fur is so interesting going every which way, i can brush it if you want, or maybe just some scritches for now?

terrified cats that hide whenever they see you: so sweet, so smol, i will sit near you and keep you company and also make sure you have food and water, okay?

angry cats that growl and attack when you're near: oh, baby, who hurt you, here's a stuffy to make you feel safer, and here's some food, i'll put it in your cave where you feel safest.

energy filled monster cats that only know play or destruction: yes, let us explore the world together, let's play with your favorite toy for hours (plus plenty of forgiveness for demolished furniture, paper towels, etc.)!

they're just...we love them all, right? the chonky boys, the fuzzy hunters, the aloof queens, the growlly grumpies. when you give pets space to be comfortable in who they are, they surprise you in wonderful ways. you learn their language, and sometimes you realize they've been telling you they love you the whole time.

we just have to remember to maybe give people that same kindness, that everyone has different needs at different times. sometimes they need space, sometimes snuggles. if they're grumpy, it is almost always an expression of pain, and it usually has nothing to do with you. but every pet has value. remember grumpy cat (may he rest in peaceful crotchetiness), we loved him for his adorable cantankerousness.

maybe what i'm trying to say is, i adore cats, (i like dogs, too), and i adore people, too, often in the same way. and, it's nice being at the point in my life that i can feel this way. (also, i'm high on the fact that my slightly aloof cat was happy to be snuggled like a teddy bear today)

*this isn't to say that if someone's being toxic you have to put up with it. obviously if someone is hurting you, get out of that situation. but, even so, understanding can help you move on, forgive (not forget), and put it behind you with the closure of knowing why.

**also, i'm talking about actual cats, but apply it however you wish! ;P

It's tough being a plus sized woman in this world. When I see a plus sized women on screen or in real life, I'll sometimes turn to my SO and ask "Does she look like me?". I know first hand how representation matters, so when people in minority communities start talking about it, it is very real to me. I totally understand. Because what do I look like? Since most of society ignores me when I'm out (thankfully), I have no feedback. I think I'm pretty, cute, acceptable. But that's all I can get. So, again, when I see someone that I think looks like me, I have to ask, if that's how my SO sees me. It's oddly...unbalancing to never see yourself in social media.

You feel like a vampire, a monster that is never allowed a reflection. Never knowing what others see. Last night, though, my sweetie leaned into me and told me about fantasizing about me at work (yay!!!). He told me he saw Lizzo's performance, and said that's what I looked like to him (other than skin color as I'm fluorescent white). I can't describe how happy this made me.

It made me think about how amazing Lizzo is, how unapologetic. She's beautiful, and she dares you to face it. It's not 'confident for her size', it's not 'she has such a pretty face for a fat girl'. She is gorgeous. Not in spite of being fat. Because she is fat, maybe. Because she just is beautiful. Her fat is an undeniable part of her, as essential as her spirit and her drop-dead beauty.

It made me think about how thankful I am for Lizzo. How thankful I am that she did the work of loving herself, so I and others like me can see themselves in her.

I don' t have any kind of conclusion, just thankfulness for all the plus-size advocates that have helped me love myself, and how unspeakably important they are.

my dreams seem to come from many mouths

many places, none of them my own

they lick with sandpaper tongues against my consciousness

they call and cry and demand.

I come to you and breathe you in,

inhaling your peace.

It is a balm to my unquiet mind

i'm thankful for your solid chest

your warmly beating heart that never hurts.

When i'm awake, you're there, soothing

cooling the fever.

when i'm asleep, the thorny siren's call begins again

touches of fire that pull me asunder

aching hooks that plunder

my desire, pulling it up and out

and out

and out

and out

until it lays there

a defenseless quivering thing

please I ask you

please I beg you

don't make me dream alone

anymore

Having good talks with my amazing sweetie inspired a poem ^-^

(some thoughts and feelings while listening to audio erotica)

I'm listening to the moans of a strange man I don't know, his pleading and cajoling voice ringing in my ears at he gets closer and closer to orgasm...why do I do this to myself? Why do I subject myself to things I can never have? Why do I fantasize about things that will never happen?

The answer lays hot in my chest.

It feels so delicious to want. It creates a soft slow burn inside, like igniting a hot coal of desire. So agonizingly slow, it's delicious.

I went through 5 years of a pirate's curse of grey nothing. Nothing, that is, except dark crushing thoughts. Everything else, everything good, was gone, colors literally looked leached of life. My laughs were perfunctory, but my tears were necessary.

Desire and wanting were wispy dreams of nothing, mere memories of different times.

But then came therapy, and medicine, and a long time of hoping for change, but fear that it would never come.

And then one day, a smile. A simple smile that I felt on the inside as well as the outside. That's all. Just a spark that burned through the layers, a glimpse of warmth.

And it felt amazing. After that, things began to change, smiles came more easily, laughter felt more real. Slowly, slowly, the curse receded, giving my life meaning and colors back.

So now, desire, unrequited or otherwise, is novel and delicious. Longing is a slow burn in my chest, lighting me up again from the inside. Something I knew I missed, but couldn't remember well enough to miss it. Like an equation you can never solve because you don't have all the variables.

Desire felt so foreign to me in the midst of depression.

To feel the familiar flames licking me from the inside is...heaven. It's a blessing, a balm.

I find myself thanking this man, thanking him for sharing his desire and need, for reigniting long dead embers. I'm there with him, as he cums, begging him, cheering him on, entranced by his passion.

And it's a revelation for me, that the expression of passion can reignite fires in others.

That is what this journey has been for me, since the colors came back: a revelation.