My love hate relationship with corsets

My whole world turned upside in just one phone call. I always thought he'd trade me in for a skinnier version. I never expected he was hiding a whole ass family from me, married with 3 kids. No wonder he acted so vile towards me each and everytime I told him I was pregnant. He even went as far to say don't you dare put me on the birth certificate as the father.  He always insisted he couldn't get anyone pregnant. What a lie that turned out to be. Yeah, hr wanted kids and a wife, just not with me. All these years and he never chose me. Even after cheating on every girlfriend he had with me, including his now wife, he was never going to choose me. I guess I was just so in love with him that I didn't care. 

For 10 years he was my North star. Everything I did and was, was for him. I have a whole dresser full of outfits just for him. He was everything to me, while I was nothing to him.  

Even after this storm, I'm still thinking about him daily. Only it hurt more because I can't talk to him. Not that he would have anything to say back to me. He truly does not care for me at all. Yet part of me wants to know if everything was a lie.. . Guess I'm just mourning the loss of him for now.  

His wife reached out to me to tell me that they have been married for way longer than he told me and that they have three kids together that he also had  hidden from me. And how he never was deployed to Germany and was just using it as an excuse as to why he was gone all the time. I am happy that the wife finally knows and her contacting me finally gave me the strength to delete his number and not look back. However I think the amount of info I told her about the affair might of been overwhelming considering he had been cheating on her for their entire relationship of seven years. 

Stay away from the married people is what I'm constantly told. Well it's not like I'm actively seeking them out. The married people are seeking me.

I know I have to truly accept that it's over for good, but after 10 years, it just feels like a loss. The person you talk to about everything suddenly just cuts you off and you just can't talk to them anymore. So yes I will be mourning my affair. 

I'm not mad or angry that it ended. I am more among the words of lost. As if the rug was quite literally pulled out from under me. He told me every lie just to feel my touch. 

Honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted now that the affair is over. I no longer have to feel the need to try and be what I'm not for him. I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin and not worry about whether he'll like this piece of lingerie or not. Or how to wear my hair to please him most. No more self conscious feelings of being too fat for him or not blonde enough for him. No more having to reassure him that he matters or that he's not being replaced.  No more spending pics or videos to him. No more trying to be skinny enough for him. 

No more trying to hide how hurt I was year after year when he never chose to be with me but chose to  fuck me instead. 

While I will miss the sex because it was life changing sex, I will not miss all the chances he had to make me his and never did.  

I awoke to a missed call and a text message that read "my wife knows." Just reading those words, I knew how this was going to end and the ending would be without me, as I've known all along. Ten years of this on and off affair. 

It was a whirlwind romance, full of nothing but lies and sexual pleasure. Every girl he dated he cheated on with me, even cheated on his wife with me prior to getting married. I also cheated with him as often as i could. It was addiction, it was lies and desperation on both ends to seek out the most pleasurable sex of our lives. Risking everything and anything to see each other just to be able to fuck each other's brains out. 

I am so tired of people hiding there partners from me. I've had two men had the fact that they are married from me and another hide their partner completely from me even though they were in an "polyamorous" relationship. Not once have I ever had a woman hide their partner from me, not a once. What does that tell you? 

Why is being a sub so hard?

Always the bridesmaid but never the bride.

Always fun

But never good enough. 

Constantly used as a stepping stone and then your onto the next. 

Always given such disrespect 

Even after sticking out your neck

In love with the idea that I could be the one for you

Holding never to be true. 

Waking up and instantly checking to see if he texted me back, nothing. Me realizing he didn't want a partner, he wanted a mother. Someone to cook and clean for him so he didn't have to. Someone to praise him for nothing and for his failures. Someone who never says no to him. Someone to pay for all his needs. Realizing he is a giant child not a man at all. What are you doing babe? You know he's not going to message you back. Why do you feel compelled to check? I know he was the person you talked to on a daily basis and now that he's gone you feel the need to fill that void in your daily life. However it doesn't need to be him again. You are so beautiful. Literally you attract men like a damn siren. You could have anyone you wanted. You don't need to it to be him. Calm yourself and stop trying to think of ways to get him back in your life. Seriously. Your not doing yours any favors by begging him to be in your life. That's what he wants and what he needs. He needs to have power over you to break you down again and again. He is a pathetic excuse for a human being. You are better than that. He never wanted a future with you. He never even saw you as a person. He only saw you as property. You pouring your heart out to him isn't going to change anything. He's never going to chose you. Stop putting yourself through the chaos of this toxic need for his narcissistic ass. He could careless that you feel like you can't breathe without him. He doesn't care how many sleepless nights you have because you know he's with someone else. He wad never yours to begin with. So why fight for such a one sided love story. You don't need him. You're strong. You can do this. You don't need that dumpster fire of a human. You were only a convenience for him and the second you weren't he treated you like a used up sock.

I find myself still constantly checking to see if he even bothered to message me back. When you go from talking to someone everyday for hours on end and all the sudden they stop talking to you it cuts real deep. Hurts like no other. I'm not strong enough to do this. It just hurts so much. I know he doesn't care and he could never talk to me again and it wouldn't bother him at all. I'm just not built that way.  I'm screaming inside while trying to appear fine. I know he doesn't care for me yet it hurts so incredibly bad.