I know. I know. This blog is becoming about me and mommy all the time. But that's kinda the point isn't it? It's part of my growth and whatever other hallmark nice things you can think to say. I'm sure I will do some of my usual little blogs and funny stuff at some point but today is about mommy.
I never had to vocalize my insecurities before. I never had to say explicitly what it was that I was afraid of. Mommy takes the time and stops whatever we are doing or talking about if she sees the need for this kind of talk. We've had a few of them so far. These talks are so hard for me and I always get upset trying to voice my "issues". But we always come out of it better and mommy learns how better to handle me.
My little side loves to push. I can't help it sometimes. I can't stop it either. She pushes and pushes and then pushes some more. Never to get into trouble. Not so that she upsets her mommy and always over something small and dumb. I'm not interested in earning a punishment or getting a rise out of mommy. So why do it? I don't know. Maybe little side is working something out. Who knows? The first things mommy said after I realized what I was doing and apologized was:
She said it was okay. She said she could take my pushing. She knew I wasn't doing it to be bad. She knew I was little and needed her extra patience and she could do that. And the most important part of all: She would never leave me because of my pushing.
I never knew how much I needed that reassurance before. I never asked for it from others. But mommy knows that is exactly what I needed to hear. I have decided to do the thing that scares me most. Be vulnerable. When mommy asks something, she always gives me a way out so I don't have to talk about it. I've decided not to take that option. For this to work and for mommy to understand me better and what I need, I have to be vulnerable.
The best way I can describe it is this:
Normally I won't share those tiny detail things I worry about. To not be vulnerable is like being in a room that is all closed off. Only one open window and the person who needs to know your insecurities is in the middle of the room waiting. But then instead of talking you jump out of the window.
To be vulnerable is being in that same room except all of the doors and windows are wide open. You see ways out all around you but instead you sit down with that person and tell them everything. You don't run. You go to them. You trust them to keep you safe.
Mommy is my safety. She is my comfort. She is there when I need her. She makes me laugh all the time and helps with my little side so much. She's always so good to me. I think I am getting everything I was ever lacking from any other kind of relationship/dynamic before. Mommy sees my needs and fulfills them and then takes care of my wants. My mommy is everything to me and I am so glad I took a chance and was pushed just a bit to go for it.