The life of a socially starved introvert

So as I was walking through the halls at work I glanced over to east hall and near the death room (not the actual name just what I call it) there was a wheelchair flipped upside down. Now it isn’t uncommon to see an empty wheelchair in the hall this time of day because we put our patients to bed and if the room is to small we place them outside the rooms. What was strange about this was it was outside the death room, it was upside down, and it was broken. I went to investigate further and IT BELONGED TO A DECEASED PATIENT FROM 2 MONTHS AGO. IT HAD ALREADY BEEN THROWN OUT!!!!! So being the little I am I silently walked to the nurse station, informed my nurse, and went into the bathroom to cry. It’s definitely not the scariest thing but it certainly makes you wonder. 

dear father. 

You died when I was only a year old. When I was a child I didn’t understand. I had no memory of you and therefore no idea why it was important for me to know. They told me you died of food poisoning, but as I got older I learned the truth. It was suicide. I know you were fighting demons no one knew about dad, but so am I. You’ve left so many unanswered questions that keep me up at night when I wish you were here. I used to pretend that you faked your death and you were living on the other side of the country with a new family that you loved and adored. Did you think about what you were doing when you did it? Did you think about the daughter you left behind and how it would affect her ever day? Do you know that grandma can’t even say your name without breaking down in tears? Even thought it’s been 21 years ago. Do you know my mom can’t look me in the eyes sometimes because I do or say something that reminds her of you? Do you know how bad it hurts thinking that my own father didn’t want me so much that he killed himself? I know now that wasn’t the case but as a child that’s what I firmly believed. You’d rather take your own life than tough it out like I’ve been doing for YEARS without help. You have impacted every part of my life in a negative way because you chose to die. You’ve affected everyone in my family. No one is comfortable talking about you because sometimes it makes me so upset I get physically sick. Dad this is my goodbye to you. I hope you’re resting in peace. I hope you realized what you’ve done to your daughters life before you passed. 

I’ve had a rough day today. After oversleeping and being late to work I spent the rest of my day panicking about being fired. They didn’t even write me up which I was very grateful for. I just can’t get it out of my head that my dom is going to leave me. I’m so scared about it even though he’s been reassuring me all day that he’s not. 

My dom and I are long distance. I didnt think we had been together (especially in person) long enough for him to pick up on when I was having trouble being in a social setting. We had a wonderful weekend together and on one of those days we decided to go get lunch. We walk in and the place is packed. I kinda froze in the entrance and he gently took my hand and led me through the crowed of people. He squeezed my hand once or twice to reassure me he was still there. When we were to order our food, without missing a beat, he ordered exactly what I wanted and specified the things I didn’t want on it. (Im a picky eater). He has no idea how much it relieved me. It’s hard to explain to people how being in a situation like that is for me. It’s something that most people don’t see as something you should get anxious about. I know I shouldn’t but it just happens and I can’t stop it. After my amazing weekend my best friend and I went out to eat. I don’t think she realized I was having issues but without missing a beat she ordered my food for me. Because of these wonderful people I’m not so scared to go out in public anymore.