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Right now I feel so lost. That I can’t find my way back to there I use to be. My demons are getting louder. I pray for the silence. But it never comes. I sit here wondering what m I doing with my life. This can’t be what I was put here for. The voices in my head are getting louder and louder. I don’t know what to do. Anymore I am feeling so lost. I don’t know if I will ever be able to find me again. The depression and the bipolar is starting to kick my ass and I don’t know if I have the strength to keep fighting. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I feel like no matter what I do. I can not win this battle. I try not to give up but then the voices start to ask why are you fighting so hard to keep going. Why are you still fighting us when all we want is to be set free. I keep telling the voices if I let y’all free there will be nothing left of who I am or who I want to be. I know I haven’t wrote anything on here in a long time. It is just right now I am going through a really hard time. Yes I know everyone goes through a hard time and they keep going. But I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to question why am I still here. Why am I still fighting. I feel so alone, I feel so useless, I feel like I will never be able to get out of these shadows where I have been for so long. The shadows are getting darker and darker as do my thoughts. I have lost my angel. I had to let her go it wasn’t something I wanted to do. But I knew I could not be there for her when I can’t even be there for myself. No I have no plans on ending my own life. So there is no need to worry about that. I’m just feeling so lost right now. I don’t know what to do. This is not a plea this is not a  shout out for help. I will get through this I will be whole again. 

To you my sweet. I am so glad that i have meet you. In the short time we have talked. I can't wait to we can do it again. I am very happy that we are together. I can't wait to we speak again. I know we was lost until we have found one another. Tried so many different ways to be happy. So many times thought that we was with the person we was with at the time. But then something happen and stop talking to them or something else came up not meaning to stop or anything either got busy and wasn't able to keep the communication there like we would of liked or like we wanted to or just something happen that ended things with them for whatever reason it is. But now that we have found each other and I'm truly happy with you something that i couldn't all ways say. And to those who for me have stop talking to i am truly sorry i did not mean for that to have happen it wasn't something i was trying to do. I was just trying to do so many thing all at once and i have failed and for that i am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

What is happiness. I sometimes wonder that question. I know you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Yes there is times I can't even look in a mirror if I'm being honest. I have always been told I deserve to be happy. At the time I think yeah i do. Then I look around and i really look at myself. Start to wonder ok yes i deserve to be happy. Why haven't I ever found it. Im going on 40 years old in a few months. When I find someone that I am happy with they are not happy with me or there is something there that has to do with what's going on that is making them unhappy. I know not everything has to do with me. I do take blame for where I fuck up at. I have no problem with that part. I have never had a problem walking away when things are over. I don't understand why it is when I find myself having problems doing so when it comes to someone I really care about. Even know i should walk away but I can't do it. I told them how I feel and well you can guess how that went. I try to always be there when they need me even it is cost me and no I'm not talking about money. Even know it does cost money to go see them. But I always tell them that it was either me coming to do what ever is needed or i would be home doing nothing. Maybe playing a video game or watching TV. I'm not sure what one it would be. No it wouldn't matter what it is that I would be doing because I would still go do what they need me to do. Even if it is just some one to hangout with or something else depending on what it is. Again I know I need to find my happiness. Its just getting to the point where if I'm not doing something with them then I'm not happy. Yes I know that sounds like a sub. Yes i have been single for far to long. Ok i know this. But when you truly love someone sometimes it doesn't matter what roll you are it just matters about what makes you happy. 

I'm Peter Peter pussy eater Party's Just Begun drop your drawers spread your legs cuz here comes my tongue lick you once lick you twice baby you're just going to cum

I tell everyone I am the easiest asshole you ever meet but that's not true. Im the nice guy that will go out of my way for a friend or love one even if they treat me like shit. When they say nice guys finish last there is a reason for that because we let the assholes go ahead of us to get the woman we really want or to get whatever they want even. If we get left in the dust for it. Yes unfortunately i am that guy that has step a side to see the woman. I wanted to be happy 9 off of 10. Shes not but when things end I step in to be there for her as the friend she needs never stepping over the friendship boundary. Deep down hope she will see that I was the guy for her it never happens until. I walk out of her life but i have been through a lot and yes I am damage. I have been beat down mentally emotional to the point. I have almost given up then. I tell myself that there has to be someone out there that can love me for me and that will stay by my side not only when times are good. But also when times get really bad. I know no relationships are always good there are always arguments, fights and words are said that are not meant to be said but at those times they are meant to be said.

Here i go again down the road. What am I looking for? I don't know anymore. Why look when there is nothing passed this darkness. For me but more darkness. I feel myself slipping back in time. When I was a child when I could not imagine that. This world could be like it is. How far i have come. I still don't know shit. I am learning every day. How dark my soul really is. I find myself looking back at a time. When i was innocent. When i was pure. What the hell happen. To those times? I am finding myself starting to lose myself and not really caring about anything like I was did. What is wrong with me. I can feel my heart growing darker and blacker with each passing minute. My will is not faltine my spirit is still strong. But yet i can't see the light anymore. Its like poof it's gone. Has it always been gone and i now just notice it. Or has it been over time going darker. I use to try to see the best in people. Now i can't even see the best in me. Where did I go ? When am I going to return? These are some good questions. Is this all because of the demon in side of me or has it just been me all along. I can feel him waiting lurking. To see cracks in my will power that keeps him at bay. I use to see everything in color but now all I can see is the darkness. Some say I need to get my head checked out. I always say why I know I'm insane. Now I'm wondering if this is just a story I'm writing or is it just me. I can't be sure anymore. 

Sometimes my thoughts are jumbled and makes not since or reasoning. Right now I’m trying so hard to be me and find who I am. But it’s not always so easy to be the person I want to be either I’m to nice or I’m to much of a asshole. Or I’m just not around so anyone can really get to know me. I stay to myself. I stay alone. I hind from the person that scares me the most. But how can you hind from yourself. I wonder because no matter what yourself is always there always with you no matter where you go or how hard you try to hind. Yourself will always find you and yourself will never leave you. Sometimes I wish I could slow down my thoughts. So it don’t seem like they are all over the place. But at times it is so hard to do. Here is what I know about me so far. I am a gamer, I am a lover more then a fighter but will fight for what I believe in. I am a collector of many things if I start collecting something it is hard for me to stop. Even when I see it is a waste of time and money. I am broken wish I could say I’m not. I do have a hard time staying in one place or with the same woman for a long pointed of time. It takes a lot to get me mad or emotional. I am a romantic and sometimes when I have a ideal in my head of how I want a date or a romantic dinner to go and some reason it can’t go the way I want it to then. My thoughts go hey wire trying to figure out what to do next. I know I need to settle down and stay in one place. But maybe after I find where I truly be long. I have low self worth. Out side of work. Sometimes my depression tells me no matter what you are never good enough. Even know I know I am good enough and I can do whatever I put my mind to. I am a Primal dom. I also know who I am with all I want to do is take care of her in every way that I can. I have to treat her like she should be treated. 

I know there will be a lot of comments on this one. It is more me thinking out loud and asking myself the question why. 

Why do I even care. 

When all i get back is mix emotions. 

Why do i even try to show my feels.

When sometimes its seems like you don't care. 

Why did I ever open up to you. 

When all you do so shut me out. 

Why did I let you in.

When I don't normally let anyone in. 

Why am I has so strong of feelings for you.

When I know you don't feel the same.

Why can't I just walk away.

When it comes so easy to me.

Why did I give you my heart. 

When all you do is stamp on it.

I know it looks like I'm feeling down and depress.

But to tell the truth I'm not. I know so many have ask themselves these same question about someone. They came up with many different answers. Im not liking for answers. For me I have ask myself the same questions about a few different people and always had a different reasoning behind the answers I have come up with. I have never had this hard of a time walking away from anyone until you come in to my life. Even know there are so many outside forces keep saying the same things about us but some reason when I look at you. None of them even matter to me anymore its like they don't exist or something. I know I am broken in more ways then one. I have a very dark side to me that no one can understand. Sometimes I wish he was just a voice in my head or just a different personality. But unfortunately he is not but he is apart of me that I have try so hard to hind and keep away from anyone around me.  But you have seen the darkness in me and you still stay close. When everyone else runs when i let him out just a little.

Here we go I am trying to find me again. I know some of the things i like and i like to do but they are not who i am more of a comfort then anything else. That voice in the shadows with me keeps asking me if I'm ready and i tell it yes and he gets closer to where i can almost see him. But when he looks in to my eyes he turns and says your not ready yet and i ask him well if I'm not ready when will I be. He tells me you will know when your ready. I drop to my knees and yell but I am ready. I am tired of not knowing who I am. I so ready to be me again. Not this person that can't even look in the mirror and know the person that is looking back. I want to ve able to smile again because I'm happy not just because it will make someone smile back or to be able to say i love you and truly mean it not just because it will make someone else happy. I know you should not say I love you unless you mean it and when I'm in the moment I do mean it but then later when I think about why I said it and if I truly meant it it always come to the same conclusion. How can you truly love someone when there is no point in it when they are not going to stay long enough in your life so that you can be 100% sure that it is a true thing. Every time I start to come out of the shadows. I know its not me that is doing it. It's just another persona that I put on so I can feel love. When deep down I know it's not for me. Even know i want it to. God i want that so bad. 

As I sit here in the shadows i can hear a voice call out to me. I can't make out what the voice is saying so I get up and start looking for this voice. I start to ask myself who could it be. What does it want. Where did this voice come from. I look and look but i can't seem to find it. As I get closer to where is sounds like it is coming from. The voice ask me are you ready? I take a second to think what the hell is it talking about am I ready. Ready for what I wonder. There is so many things that I am ready for. So i say to the voice ready for what. The voice reply no you are not ready yet but you will be soon enough. Then i call out to the voice who are you and it's reply was I'm you well the real you but you are not ready to find me yet. But when you are you will be whole again.