New

Who am I ?????

I know i have wrote a lot about being in the shadows and there is a reason for it. 

In the shadows is the real me and I have no clue where he is. I haven't been the real me for a very long time. I'm not happy or even love myself right now. 

I know this is the first step to finding me again. Who ever I am. I am trap in the shadows until i can find who i am. I have had so many different personas that i have lost the real me. Now its time to find him and bring him out and hope he will be happier then i have ever been. I hope he can love who he is. Like i never has. So how can i love someone else when i don't love myself I can't do it. I know it will be a long and hard road to walk but i have to do it alone. No one can walk it with me. Well they can help guild me but they can't do the work for me and I'm not asking anyone to. Because i have to learn how to trust myself and have more believe in myself. When i look in the mirror i dont know who is looking back. Haven't in so long. 

I know I talk a lot about being a demon in the shadows. The reason is I really don't have much to say. I go to work Monday through Friday get off work and come home play my game or I watch Hulu or Netflix and pass out or i can't sleep even when i try to then pass out. On the weekends I try to get caught up on everything I have missed through the week. But I do have a lot on my mind like i have to start looking for a place to move to soon and i know it plus i have to pay my share of the bills here. I know i haven't been on here as much like i was. Yea i have a lot going on a lot on my mind on what im doing where to move to. What to do next about everything. Because right now my bipolar depression it's kicking my ass. My brain is allover the place right now 

I am a demon but no normal demon i am the demon king. I have no loyalties to anyone. I fight for what I believe in that is right for me. Not wanted or allowed in heaven or hell. Like i care about either of them. They both have kick me out for just being there. I have try to keep this place safe always moving around from one place to another. Fighting any that wants to harm it. All demons stays away from me not in fear that they will be killed but in respect of who I am. Gods fear me for I am the one that will stand up and fight to keep everyone safe from them. It is a lot to take on. Sometimes I feel like whats the point why should I keep fighting for those that don't know what is going on what is coming or what is already there that wants to harm them and still its like they want the bad to come. It's like they do everything they can to draw in the bad that will destroy them. But I keep fighting so they can stay safe. Because that is my roll in all this madness. This world is getting worse and worse as I do my best to keep it from being. The end... I am the demon king I have honor I fight alone for what I believe in no matter the cost. I have tried to find love more then once. I believe I have found it again. Even know right now we live in different places miles apart. I do miss her everyday. I know one day we will be together and she will be the reason for me to keep fighting this never ending battle. For that I do love you. 

I am me i am a demon of the shadows. I have always lived in the shadows never letting anyone close to me. Always stayed in the shadows because I have a hard time when it comes to groups larger then 4. I am trying to be able to deal with larger groups and sometimes i can deal with a group of 6 but that is pushing it. I am a demon of the shadows that is where i stay. That is where i being. If you luck and find me there. Then you might be as crazy as i am or at least close to being as crazy as i am. I love myself and i love my life. Yea it could be better but have to take the good with the bad.

               I am me I am a demon of the shadows

I am me i am a demon of the shadows. I have always lived in the shadows never letting anyone close to me. Always stayed in the shadows because I have a hard time when it comes to groups larger then 4. I am trying to be able to deal with larger groups and sometimes i can deal with a group of 6 but that is pushing it. I am a demon of the shadows that is where i stay. That is where i being. If you luck and find me there. Then you might be as crazy as i am or at least close to being as crazy as i am. I love myself and i love my life. Yea it could be better but have to take the good with the bad.

               I am me I am a demon of the shadows

I know i haven't done this in sometime here is a update I'm still live and kicking. I'm still a demon still always in the shadows. Still working for dean foods. Still in Indiana which I'm so ready to get out of here. Still with Proud and everything is good on that front. I do worry if ot will work up and everything. I just been working long hours. Then when I get off work I just want to relax and play a game talk to her. Sometimes it don't work out like that because sometimes I just get home and pass out. I know i haven't been in chat that much lately. 

Why do i always try to hide in the shadows when all i want to do is to be seen? The shadows is where my home is and then why do i always try to find that one woman that will show me the light or that this world is a good. That this world can be good to me. I try to show that i have a heart that i can care for someone. But then i start to listen to the darkness that keeps calling me back to the shadows. I dont stay in the shadows to spy on people that would be hard to do when its to dark to see where anyone is at. I stay in the shadows because it is safe and i cant get hurt like i have so many times. The shadows has never hurt me it has never done me wrong. The shadows remind me of what i truly am. In the shadows i dont have to pretend that i have a heart or that i care for others. I may not be a people person but everytime i come out of the shadows to try to find love and to show that i do have a heart. All i find is pain and mercy. So why come out of the shadows why not just stay where i am safe. Stay where no one can ever get to me. Stay where there is no love. Where there is no joy or happiness. Stay where i dont have to feel anything. At all so why come out of the darkness at all. When there is no one that wants to or willing to show a demon that. He is not really a demon at all. He is someone that is only half demon and half angel. Sometimes its good for him to let the angel side to come out. And show his face or maybe the angel has to die so that part of me. Can ever bring me happiness or joy ever again because where there is that crap there is hurt so.

I maybe a demon that always stay in the shadows. I may come out and play one day. But today isn't the day. I still trying to figure things out where i be long. I just know where i am at is not where i being. Im not talking about the cage or the lifestyle. Im talking about that state that im in and the life i have here. I know i have not been as active as I once was. But i am a demon that is trying to show that some demons can be good. Some will think this is all bullshit and others will know how hard it can be. When it comes down to it. I have made my mistakes loving the wrong person. Getting hurt by her in more ways then one letting her lie on me. Letting her fuck up my reputation. Im glad those who know me in here knew better but it still hurt when she ask me to lie so she could keep the guy she was with. All i wanted to do is tell the truth but i did not i lied so she could keep her happiness. Even know it did fall apart on her. I know i got blame for that as well. But oh well im use to getting blame for shit. Im still a demon and i have no heart i have stop caring stop loving anything. I am a demon that is true 

Some says life is a dream others says life is a nightmare me i say wake the fuck up life is what you make of it and if life is a dream then damn this can't be my dream because it sucks and if life is a nightmare then damn i want to wake up from this damn nightmare to see if my life is any better then what it is

My life was always in the shadows everywhere I went I was always in the shadows so no one could see me so no one can touch me always in the shadows so no one can find me never wanted to come out of the shadows until this light came in to the shadows and found me this beautiful gorgeous light that I have never seen before came in at first I was confused why this gorgeous light was here where no one would come to because it is so dark here in the shadows but here this gorgeous light was holding her hand out wanted me to have her at first I was just looking at her like are you sure I'm the one you want so I ask this gorgeous light why me isn't there others that is more deserving then I isn't there others that would be a better for one so gorgeous and this gorgeous light just said no one is more deserving then you and I toke a step back in wonder and ask I am always in the shadows so no one can ever hurt me so no one can ever get close to me so why have you come to me so this gorgeous light said I have seen your pain I have seen what you have been through and I am here to show you a better way that even in the shadows that there is light even for one like yourself I have been sent here just for you I was born just to find you we are meant to be as one now i will tell you my name so you know what to call me and my name is before this gorgeous light could finish I told her her name is angel she said close my I replied I will call you angel because you are as gorgeous as a angel you have come to me as a angel therefore I will always be the one to keep you safe from the nightmares of this world always keep you safe from the demons that I have seen even the demon that lives inside of me my demon will be your protector.