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Hidden In Plain Sight

The Pondering Blog
A Bunnie and her Dragon
“I’ve done every damn thing in the book wrong”... this is the story of that journey.
4 days ago. Mon 22 Apr 2019 01:25:10 AM IDT

How could someone possibly see a Master as a super hero? That was the question.

Oh... let me count the ways...

 

Not only is He immovable or unshakable in his foundation, He is always there to catch me when I fall.

 

He tames Dragons and cherishes bugs.

 

He either melts me to my core or freezes me in mid-sentence.

 

His presence makes the world feel like a better place.

 

He lifts me up so high, I feel like I could swim amongst the stars.

 

He carries the flashlight as we navigate the deep, dark caverns of my being.

 

He holds my hand when I’m scared... and when I can’t take anymore, He carries me.

 

He waits patiently for the day I offer him my heart, and I know He will guard it with his life.

 

His cape might be invisible to you... but to me, I see it clear as day :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 days ago. Sun 21 Apr 2019 01:40:49 AM IDT

I’ve always sucked at multitasking. Even when it comes to meeting people. Actually probably mostly when it comes to meeting people. I can only get to know one person of interest at a time. I’m old fashioned in that way I guess you could say. If someone has my interest... they have my attention... all of it. Not snippets... not shared... all.of.it.

There will be people I still speak to from my past or present who are friends, however they don’t have my *undivided* attention... much like the actual word meaning... their attention is divided amongst everyone else who falls within that category.

Anyway... coming to the cage, I realised that the way I do things is actually considered quite strange. Most people have told me that it’s much more effective and efficient to talk to multiple people at once, and narrow it down to the one you like the most... saving time and energy in the long run. (Although I cant see how it’s any different, if you simply meet someone, and if you’re not compatible, move on).

Anyway, as happens here, I started to believe that the majority were correct, and started to believe it. And then became envious of it, because even though I admired that ability... I still couldn’t do it. I’m just simply not wired that way.

So I have observed, as I do. And I have come to believe that a lot of the struggles I see, come from speaking to multiple people at once... practiced by those who do not identify as/aren’t polyamorous. I think that is a huge defining factor... people who identify as monogamous, trying to meet people through a poly system of thinking. This is disaster waiting to happen.

*For myself, although I don’t identify as poly personally, I am ok with being with someone who is, so that’s something that is a given within my circles... however, having said that... honesty and consent is always the foundation... nothing is “hidden.”

*edit... I’d also like to add that even with people that I know who do identify as poly, they too don’t seem to participate in this kind of “efficiency” mentality. Even though they may have multiple partners, the people that I know, too seem to focus on getting to know each individual person at a time.

An experience I once had with someone that gave me a bit of a giggle, but I think is a good example, was during our conversation (with long pauses), he came back to the conversation with a reply that was irrelevant to our discussion. I asked if he was having more than one conversation, and he said yes. I politely ended our conversation and said I was happy to chat another time. I wasn’t upset or angry, it’s just personally how I like to converse. It’s not an attention thing... and yet it is. In my opinion... when I agree to begin interacting with someone, be it a single conversation, or an ongoing interaction to get to know each other better, I am agreeing to give them my time and attention. I am also asking for that in return. Not demanding... but asking. Those who meet me in that, tend to be my kind of people. Those who don’t, aren’t.

I have noticed a common turmoil in those who try to do too much at once. A lack of focus. A spreading of themselves too thin. How can you give much of yourself to anyone, if you’re trying to give some of yourself to everyone?

If you’re finding that it feels this way for you, maybe try dialing it back a notch. And please be honest. If you’re talking to more than one person, tell the people involved, because they may not have the same attitude towards “efficiency” and “time saving” as you do.

5 days ago. Sun 21 Apr 2019 01:00:48 AM IDT

5 days ago. Sun 21 Apr 2019 12:46:39 AM IDT

Since the move, I have been completely immersed in vanilla-land. Not realising that this had actually become quite unnatural for me, I couldn’t work out why I just felt so disconnected and generally “off.” Thank goodness the urge to reconnect with “my people” came on so strong that I could no longer put it off.

At times I’m such a clever little thing for *finally* working out what I need... *pats shoulder*

So I started looking at what was around, and strangely (as is often the case), everything started coming together. It began with a (mostly vanilla) friend (ok he enjoyed choking me... so perhaps not “mostly” lol) visiting where I’ve moved to, and although we didn’t get to catch up for coffee, he wanted to introduce me to a friend of his who he hoped will keep an eye on me while I navigate my way into this new community. I’ve been blessed to have some amazing people in my life who’ve done this (given me contacts of theirs that they trust). It’s a very valuable part of our community, in my opinion. 

So it turned out that the newly introduced friend of my friend was also going to attend this munch... so that worked perfectly.

I sent out the messenger doves to my fellow sub soul sister and our brother in arms to see if they’d like to join me in this quest. She could and wanted to. Yay! So... off we went on our adventures :D

I was a bit... not necessarily nervous, because I’ve done this a few times now... but I guess, socially anxious could be the term. Oh and I hadn’t slept because of work, so I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to stay awake and not end up in the corner a drooling mess. (FYI... coffee is God).

So we arrived and were welcomed, and were made to feel welcome by the sweetest guy, who should really stay away from poles lol. And... we mingled. It was uncanny the number of people who’s first munch that one was (either first ever, or first to that area). 

Then it all came back. The reason why I love people. The reason why I love this lifestyle. I was in heaven. It is indescribable how it makes one feel to be in that moment. The closest thing I guess is to say it makes me high. High on life. High on energy. High on acceptance. High on the chance to finally relax and let my guards down and just converse naturally about anything and everything. Oh how I laughed. And talked. (And yawned occasionally... but that was absolutely no concern... I was way too buzzed from just being there... oh, and there was more coffee)

We met Riggers and bunnies (male and female) (lots actually... big rope scene) and I finally learned what TV/CD (Transvestite/Cross Dresser for those who like me, live in a world of very little acronym knowledge) means, Tops and Dom/mes, and bottoms and submissives and Daddies and Masters and... Lions and Tigers and Bears...

Ok... reining in the excitement... sorry lol.

So... I’m happy. Really happy :D

Thanks for going with me soul sister, I love sharing this journey with you :)

 

6 days ago. Fri 19 Apr 2019 10:30:24 AM IDT

I used to think it was about finding somewhere I could fit...

Now I see that it’s about creating a space that is mine.

Somewhere cosy and warm and homely...

Somewhere that is just the exact shape and size of me.

 

I used to think it was about finding my song...

Now I see that it’s about finding my own rhythm that allows me to dance to any song.

A rhythm that carries with it my hopes and dreams and soul...

The story of who I am, and who I will become.

 

I used to think it was about finding the path...

Now I see that it’s about creating my own path and leaving others to create theirs.

Sharing what needs to be shared...

And treasuring what needs to be kept just for me.

 

I used to think it was a race against time...

Now I see that there’s no rush.

Everything will happen as it happens...

No amount of pushing can change that.

 

I used to think I had it all figured out...

Now I see that I did.

Only, life had other plans...

Which weren’t compatible with mine.

 

I used to feel so safe and sure...

Now I see that I was numb.

Hidden beneath layers of self-protection...

Hiding in plain sight.

 

I used to think I didn’t need anyone...

I used to think I didn’t need anything...

I used to think...

Now I see that I used to think...

in all the wrong places.

1 week ago. Fri 19 Apr 2019 05:44:22 AM IDT

Love this song 💕

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still my heart this moment
Oh it might burst
Could we stay right here
Till the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Till the end of time
Till the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
Till the end of time till the earth stops turning
Gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
Wanna stay right here
Till the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
Gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for


Songwriters: Andrew John Barlow / Louise Ann Rhodes
Gorecki lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

1 week ago. Wed 17 Apr 2019 02:26:03 AM IDT

I bought a health and wellness magazine because I don’t know about you, but I simply don’t know how to life. And therefore am always looking for tips and inspiration. Cup of tea, breakfast, I sit down to read. The first article? “Live for the moment.” “Cast aside your to-do list, ditch the duties and allow yourself to enjoy a new habit- spontaneity.”

As I was reading about how most people are creatures of habit and live their lives in autopilot, and about how good it was to alter your routine, I realised that I have the complete opposite problem. I have always lived spontaneously, never having had any routine whatsoever... even as a child. I was what one would call a “wild child.” Not feral... but just free to come and go as I pleased. For a long time I thought this was fantastic... actually I still do... in the right circumstances. I’ve just come to realise that I need a bit better balance (ugh there’s that word 🙄). I realised that there are things that structure and routine provide that I just never got to experience. Security being a big one. Living stress-free being another. Learning to be responsible being yet another. Oh... I guess some would wrap it up with the term... “growing up.”

Something I have come to learn is that it’s damn difficult to try to teach yourself structure and routine. Especially if you don’t know what it is or what it entails.

To-do lists? Check ✔️

I used to write about a million of them per day. That didn’t mean to say that I would actually get any of those things done... but the intent was there. Over much time and trial and error and learning and observation (and a lot of guidance), something I have narrowed it down to is being organised, having self discipline, and from what I can tell, most importantly... having good time management skills (the ability to multitask, I think is an added bonus here). Something I have come to learn is that being a perfectionist is a hindrance to all of this. You need to be able to learn to let go of the desire for a perfect outcome, and just get it done.

Anyway, I have discovered what I believe is the formula. However... now I am faced with the fact that it’s just not in my DNA to possess any of the skills that make these things possible to put into action. Can they be learned? I sure hope so. I’ll be a pretty damn useless submissive if I can’t learn them. I’ve managed to survive doing things the way I have, mostly probably because I’ve only had to be responsible for myself. There’s no way my system would work if I had to be responsible for or towards anyone else.

I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m constantly treading water in this thing we call life. Looking around it always feels like everyone else gets it except me. But I can’t even work out what I’m missing. I don’t know if I’ll ever learn to life to an acceptable societal level, but as long as I can do what is required, I’ll be happy. If I can do it with a smile... even better :D

1 week ago. Tue 16 Apr 2019 01:18:17 AM IDT

Every time my heart comes out of hiding, it goes back to him. And every time, he has hurt it again. And yet... and yet I feel it happening again. I cannot for the life of me work out why. Or what the stronghold is that he has over me. “You will always be mine.” Those words feel like they’re etched on my soul.

Laying in bed this morning, a thought came to mind...

 

Do I want to serve out of devotion or respect?

 

Devotion is the unsafe option. It’s the option that puts you in the situation of accepting anything because he is your god. It’s my foolish heart once again getting its way.

 

Respect is the safe option. It’s the smart option. It chooses the man I know won’t hurt me and who will keep me safe and who has become my rock. It gives him what he wants and asks for because he has earned it. It’s finally allowing my mind the opportunity to get it’s way.

 

Realising just now as I write this, those two analogies for these men is perfect. The God and the Rock. One seems more mighty than the other... yet which is more real?

 

I fear that perhaps even after all this time, my heart is still stronger than my mind. But why? Fairytales? Even as I write this, I know it’s my Little. She’s so stubborn. She controls my heart. What chance do I have when my decisions are made from the heart of a six year old 🙄

 

There is still way too much here to unfold... but this is at least a start.

1 week ago. Sun 14 Apr 2019 07:48:55 AM IDT

I’ve written about four different blogs this morning, all seemingly different... or perhaps not so much. Clearly something has been on my mind, but I just couldn’t pinpoint it... it seemed really scattered. Generally a blog for me comes about by many different circumstances coming together and relating around a general theme... usually a lesson or self-reflection of some sort.

So, this morning, reading some blogs here, and forums elsewhere, and a little chit chat, has led me to here... blogging. Actually... the above led me to the first three blogs... it was driving along with thoughts swirling that led me to this particular blog. That happens a lot... driving is my think tank. Today’s central theme appears to be around the accuracy of self perception vs how others see us.

So, sitting at the traffic lights... in an old, run down car that I have borrowed from my parents for who knows how long (for which I am forever grateful for), thinking for the umpteenth time that I need to get a car of my own again, and just generally thinking... I suddenly became curious as to how others view me... and what they would assume about me and my life, seeing me sitting there at those lights in that car, dressed as I am. How interesting. 

It occurred to me that someone looking from the outside in, is taking into context the whole situation as they see it. They look at the things I’m not willing to... and they do it with a neutrality (towards me as a person... not beyond their own personal filters) that I can’t.

Allow me to explain... a girl sitting at the traffic lights in a car...

My perspective... I’m sitting there contemplating where I’m at in life... a common theme these past few years. Starting again. This isn’t where I want to be... struggling to let go of the past, and slowly working towards rebuilding some kind of foundation based on the life that is true to who I am. Yes... this is the backstory. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m broke and sitting there in a car that surprises me every time we get to where I’m hoping to go. (Lol, actually in all honesty... it’s grown on me because I’m amazed that it just keeps going).

Anyway, I look at things from the perspective of the past or the perspective of the future... yet very rarely (if at all?) am I able to see the actual present moment as a whole... or myself in it.

So, how do I look to others, and what conclusions do they draw from what they see?

What occurred to me most clearly in this realisation, was that maybe the inaccuracy is not in how others see me, but more in how I see myself, and my unwillingness to let go of how I desire to be seen.

Most of what I see is from an internal perspective. I don’t want to see from the perspective of how others are potentially viewing me... yet it’s potentially perfectly accurate because it’s not shrouded in emotion and too much unnecessary information.

This moment at the traffic lights, was somehow a huge eye opener for me in learning to acknowledge and accept where I’m at right now... and that it’s a possibility that how others see me could possibly be more accurate than how I see myself at times.

This also means it’s highly likely that the image I have of myself as a submissive doesn’t match the image of those around me... which could explain a lot of the struggle. The desires I have and “vision” I guess you could say, of myself as a submissive and how I serve, seems at times to be at loggerheads with reality and how my submission actually presents itself in action. It seems I need an internal eye adjustment.

This also has made me realise why it’s so important to find someone trustworthy, because I do trust what people tell me. So I need to know it’s accurate and in my best interests, rather than being solely self-serving.

As has been the case for most of my blogs of late (when they actually occur), this is still very new and rattling around, so I’m hoping it makes sense.

2 weeks ago. Sat 06 Apr 2019 01:34:23 PM IDT

My last D/s relationship did a real number on me. I’m still discovering residual damage. Tonight came the realisation of why I’ve been feeling so disconnected from everything to do with bdsm. 

You see, we never met in person. We had planned to. A lot. We spoke about how it would be when we were together, how and where we would meet. Even what an average day would look like. I could see it and feel it and taste it. Right down to the meals I would make for him.  It was so very real to me. Only... it wasn’t. Emotionally it was very real. Everything else was fabricated off what we had created together. Words. We had never even touched... and yet I knew the feel of his body when I climbed into his lap to snuggle. The feel of his fingers in me. It was all very real.

After things ended, I swore never again would I allow myself to get so caught up in “non-reality.” No more talk about what could be. I planted myself very firmly and stubbornly in reality. The problem I face is that this has shut down most of who I am. What makes me, me, is my ability to see life in all its beauty. Rose coloured glasses some like to say. I very consciously decided to not only remove my rose coloured glasses... I threw them in the bin. Yes, I don’t do anything by halves. 

What I didn’t realise is how much this would hurt me and those trying to get close to me. And it has. I couldn’t pinpoint why I was feeling so shut off and shut down. My little has all but locked herself away, with the occasional peek out here and there... but mostly, nothing. Gone is my ability to feel excitement and connection and hope. That’s the biggie... hope. I didn’t realise the things I would shut away simply by deciding to not allow myself to hope and dream. Ouch. 

And I’m not blaming him. We both broke what we had, and we both walked away with scars. 

It was pointed out to me that I’m unwilling to talk about possibilities or what things may/could be like. And this is absolutely correct. I don’t even daydream about my current situation. I don’t visualise anything, I don’t “pretend” in any way (eg. “climbing into his lap for cuddles”). It’s like I allowed myself to get so caught up in it before. Now I seem to be unwilling to plan for a future that isn’t based on fact. Some may see that as being an adult. The problem with that is that I don’t do the adulty thing. For me it means my Little is in hiding. 

Hope is where the heart lives. If I don’t allow myself hope, what is there?