1 month ago. Aug 13, 2021, 1:54 AM
It was May, 2017, that I first arrived here all starry-eyed, believing I was ready to find my forever home. Newly separated, feeling like a dying plant receiving nourishment for the first time in its life.
Seen. Heard. Validated.
That combination is a lethal trifecta.
Falling in love. Heart break. Ever so slowly learning to open through those cracks. The art of being vulnerable to another. The painful journey of removal of all that I am not. The uncomfortable journey of accepting all that I am.
This has been my story.
There have been many hero’s. And one King. All of whom wear the scars. Helping battle and slay demons and dragons. Their sacrifice of time, patience, effort, guidance, love, support… themselves, will never go unheeded. Taught to trust the process of standing on the shoulders of giants.
Four years it has taken me to find myself standing here. Looking into this vast abyss of hope. Nothing wasted. No regrets. Every tear, word, thought, moment… a blessing. Somehow always trusting there would be something good to come of it all. Always believing it was leading me home. Always hoping my heart knew the way, even if I didn’t.
I truly didn’t understand what surrender meant, because I had never really opened myself. Not beyond my control. The King taught me that. He taught me discomfort. And what a gift that was. It is in my undoing… my unravelling… that I know I am truly handing over power. I have been taught that it doesn’t stay like that forever. When He put my pieces back together, it felt different, like a new skin. Once it wore in a bit, I saw that it fit better. Moved more freely. Felt more at ease. I came to see that His vision knew me better than I knew myself. He took away the parts I’d outgrown. The parts too big or too small. The parts put there by others. The parts put there by myself that didn’t need to be there. The parts that simply didn’t make sense to keep anymore. The parts that never made sense.
Once so polished. Not so polished anymore. Worn. Raw. Tattered and torn. Similar to the severely overdone quote… more Real than I’ve ever been… but in my own words, even if they’re not perfect.
This has been a long journey for me. At times I’ve considered giving up… but never going back. There can be no going back. This has not been a journey of becoming. This has been a journey of un-becoming. Discovering all of those things I believed I was, and removing them. Finally allowing myself to be seen in all my humanness. Finally allowing my voice to be heard in all its uncertainty. Finally allowing my self to come through in all its muchness. I knew this was my journey. I knew I couldn’t give myself to another until I actually existed. And here I am.