1 week ago. Sun 14 Apr 2019 07:48:55 AM IDT
I’ve written about four different blogs this morning, all seemingly different... or perhaps not so much. Clearly something has been on my mind, but I just couldn’t pinpoint it... it seemed really scattered. Generally a blog for me comes about by many different circumstances coming together and relating around a general theme... usually a lesson or self-reflection of some sort.
So, this morning, reading some blogs here, and forums elsewhere, and a little chit chat, has led me to here... blogging. Actually... the above led me to the first three blogs... it was driving along with thoughts swirling that led me to this particular blog. That happens a lot... driving is my think tank. Today’s central theme appears to be around the accuracy of self perception vs how others see us.
So, sitting at the traffic lights... in an old, run down car that I have borrowed from my parents for who knows how long (for which I am forever grateful for), thinking for the umpteenth time that I need to get a car of my own again, and just generally thinking... I suddenly became curious as to how others view me... and what they would assume about me and my life, seeing me sitting there at those lights in that car, dressed as I am. How interesting.
It occurred to me that someone looking from the outside in, is taking into context the whole situation as they see it. They look at the things I’m not willing to... and they do it with a neutrality (towards me as a person... not beyond their own personal filters) that I can’t.
Allow me to explain... a girl sitting at the traffic lights in a car...
My perspective... I’m sitting there contemplating where I’m at in life... a common theme these past few years. Starting again. This isn’t where I want to be... struggling to let go of the past, and slowly working towards rebuilding some kind of foundation based on the life that is true to who I am. Yes... this is the backstory. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m broke and sitting there in a car that surprises me every time we get to where I’m hoping to go. (Lol, actually in all honesty... it’s grown on me because I’m amazed that it just keeps going).
Anyway, I look at things from the perspective of the past or the perspective of the future... yet very rarely (if at all?) am I able to see the actual present moment as a whole... or myself in it.
So, how do I look to others, and what conclusions do they draw from what they see?
What occurred to me most clearly in this realisation, was that maybe the inaccuracy is not in how others see me, but more in how I see myself, and my unwillingness to let go of how I desire to be seen.
Most of what I see is from an internal perspective. I don’t want to see from the perspective of how others are potentially viewing me... yet it’s potentially perfectly accurate because it’s not shrouded in emotion and too much unnecessary information.
This moment at the traffic lights, was somehow a huge eye opener for me in learning to acknowledge and accept where I’m at right now... and that it’s a possibility that how others see me could possibly be more accurate than how I see myself at times.
This also means it’s highly likely that the image I have of myself as a submissive doesn’t match the image of those around me... which could explain a lot of the struggle. The desires I have and “vision” I guess you could say, of myself as a submissive and how I serve, seems at times to be at loggerheads with reality and how my submission actually presents itself in action. It seems I need an internal eye adjustment.
This also has made me realise why it’s so important to find someone trustworthy, because I do trust what people tell me. So I need to know it’s accurate and in my best interests, rather than being solely self-serving.
As has been the case for most of my blogs of late (when they actually occur), this is still very new and rattling around, so I’m hoping it makes sense.