Letting go of the “need” for an opinion...
Watching Crocodile Dundee recently (lol a blast from the past), there was a scene where they were in the middle of the outback and she was explaining to him about an ex of hers who was an activist. Dundee asked what that was. When she explained, he asked why people would do that. She told him, “to have a voice.” She then asked, “don’t you want a voice?” To which he looked around and replied... “no one’s gonna hear my voice out here.”
That scene not only made me laugh... I couldn’t help but think “how true.”
I don’t know when I transitioned to believing that my opinion was of importance. I never used to care. I never really had the need for one. I simply allowed my actions to speak for me.
Since being in the world of online, I have come to see how much of a transition has occurred at some stage. It’s happened so slowly that it was almost undetectable to me. I began answering questions... and then I began “sharing freely.”
As someone who thrives on validation, blogging really feeds that. When people “like” what you write, it feeds that hunger to be heard. Noticed. Seen. Understood. That’s the biggie for me... being understood. It happens so rarely lol. So when it started happening here, I started feeling like maybe my voice was valid.
Before anyone gets their knickers in a knot... you do you... I’m talking about my journey. I’m not suggesting everyone else run out and become a doormat... so no word twisting, thank you :)
Apologies to those who have already experienced, and will likely in the near future experience, my deleted comments.
Before posting now I’m trying to simply ask myself if I’m offering connection and understanding, or simply an unasked for opinion.
Things need to change for me. I need to hold myself accountable for how much I’ve allowed my behaviour slip. This is simply another step back towards mindfulness.
Sometimes I find myself again in the most ironic ways.
This morning doing the usual read through of some blogs, I found myself getting angry at the drama (yep bad pick on my part... usually I know which drama llamas to avoid)... so to justify that anger, went off to find drama quotes to share lol *eye roll*.
Thankfully a part of me went “hold up... that’s not very you,” so I started looking for more positive quotes. This led to looking for more authentically positive quotes. Which led to heart and soul quotes. The irony here is that it’s exactly what *I* needed to read without even realising.
Reading through the quotes reminded me of the promises I carry that I’ve made to my self... soul promises... who I choose to be. It also helped show how much pain I’ve been carrying. The last few months have been really focused around transformation. So many hurts have been coming either to the surface, or have become transparent. This last week has been observing why I have become so defensive... or... stepped away from my authentic self. I mean I really started to look at it deeply. The feelings didn’t seem to match the actual situations. I see now that pain has been amplifying everything. So much happening in such a short time meant that my heart simply became overwhelmed. A mixture of not wanting to face it, not having an opportunity to face it all and more things being piled on top, has meant that it reached a point where everything began to simply feel like an attack. Being back in my family dynamic doesn’t help much either, as it was never a very emotionally safe environment. Definitely some obstacles there. However, I realised that for me, life is about being true to ourselves. Learning to do that regardless of the obstacles put in our way. And my truth is my heart. Following, and seeing from, and listening from, and hearing from, and sharing from, my heart... which is the voice for my soul.
It honours no one if I don’t do the work to remove the plaque of pain that can build up.
I am thankful for the part deep inside that somehow mostly recognises that it’s always my stuff, and it’s my responsibility to own it. I am also thankful to those who constantly present lessons to learn from... positive or negative.
Somehow I got lost along the way. I stopped observing. I stopped paying attention. I started trying to control rather than understand. Pain and fear can be magical blinders. Of ourselves. Of others.
What if undoing the layers is a mistake?
What if it was in fact my wisest self who created the layers... not in fact to hide myself... but to adapt to our society?
What if the layers were actually simply growth and learning?
What if I’m undoing all the hard work of the past with a misconception that it’s beneficial to strip myself back to basics?
Perhaps it’s not about undoing or unravelling...
Perhaps it’s about becoming.
Relationships seem to be the focus of energy at the moment. This week especially I have been pondering over past experiences. Relationships have always bewildered me. I’m terrible at recognising if someone is interested and terrible at showing interest. I consciously chose to stay single through high school. Boys were silly and there was too much fun to be had. I wanted to party, and didn’t want anyone to be accountable to... yuck. I wanted to fuck who I wanted, when I wanted. What I didn’t know at the time was that girls didn’t much like that lol... apparently, although I never would’ve gone for someone I knew was taken, this made me untrustworthy around their men, in their eyes. I discovered girls were silly too. So I said “fuck it,” and simply did my own thing. Those who made an effort to actually know me were those I wanted to know. Most of those were guys, so I have been blessed to have had some very amazing male influences in my life.
When finally making the decision to settle down a bit, my attitude going into any relations was always “let’s just keep hanging out together for as long as we keep enjoying each other. If that changes, be honest, and we can go from there.” This was the motto of my first relationship, and the second... which became marriage. Unfortunately I came to realise that that motto wasn’t necessarily accurate enough to base a long-term relationship on. It was still much the mindset of wanting to just have fun without any accountability. When things got hard, we didn’t know what to do. We didn’t have any tools... either as individuals, or as a team. Because we had both gone in with the mindset of believing that love conquered all and that if it was right it should be easy, we weren’t prepared. There was no foundation or backbone to our relationship because we didn’t realise there needed to be one.
Ever since leaving my (ex)husband, I have carried so much guilt. There was no interference or grass is greener... I simply had reached the end. It was gut wrenching to break the heart of such a beautiful person... especially someone I had made promises to. The only thing I regret is having the power to make such promises... because I truly didn’t understand them. Life is funny like that. I would never have been able to recognise how much I needed to learn and grow, to help our relationship, if I had’ve remained in our relationship. That’s a pretty cruel twist of fate.
This week has really been such a reflection for me on the time with him. I’m finally addressing this guilt I have carried for the last three years. I’m finally allowing the guilt to stop clouding the truth. Letting go has been such an ongoing process. Each time I think “oh goodness, finally... I can let go and move on.” And then there’s more. There’s more though, because the root of what created our relationship wasn’t he and I... it was our beliefs and views around relationships. The dance we created together. The rhythm we chose to move to. We were beginners dabbling in an advanced class. Believing we had enough “natural talent” to have what it took to be there. We didn’t. Natural talent only gets one so far. Blood, sweat and tears is what carries us over the finish line. Dedication. But dedication in the “right” ways.
A saying I love is “Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect.”
This morning at 38 years of age, I had an “aha” moment in regards to relationships.
We each have our own style of relationshiping... much like clothes shopping. Trying everything in the store on... window shopping... looking through the catalogues... going by recommendations. Some envy what others have and want to find the same thing for themselves... others want that particular piece. Some simply wish they could be like the mannequin that clothes look so perfect on. The possibilities are endless.
Perhaps a good beginning is to understand what our style is.
I like to see how something feels for me when it’s had some time to wear in. This is a risky style. It can mean a lot of potential time “wasted” (if you believe in such a thing) before finding the “right one,” but for me it’s worth it to find that piece that is just so comfortable you never want to take it off.
That’s only the beginning though. From there is where the real work begins. This has been my lesson.