“Time whore.” Ouch. I remember the first person who said this to me... the first Dom I met on here. What hurt the most was that he was right. I really am. Except “time addict” I think is more accurate.
I’ve had some rather colourful experiences in this place... as I’m sure many of you have. One thing that has been consistent however, is my self-study. I believe there are lessons in everything and everyone.
I listen to what has been said, and take on board the possibility that they’re right. Sometimes, even if someone is smiling at you or frowning at you... the truth is still the truth. My ego is not big enough to believe it’s not possible for me to carry the same characteristics I see in others that I would prefer not to see in myself. And so I dig... observe... and get to know that part. Why it is the way it is... and why it’s been necessary in the past. Everything has a purpose. Sometimes we just can’t see it straight away. These are my beliefs anyway.
Studies that I attended recently, looked at what could be classed as different “moral, ethical or spiritual” guidelines or Virtues. Much like the Commandments in religious beliefs.
One of these (Yamas) Virtues is called “Asteya”- which translates as “non-stealing.” (This is Sanskrit for anyone curious). Much like the “thou shalt not steal,” right?
Well, kind of. Except this went into way more depth than I had ever considered before, and really opened my eyes. The practice of asteya demands that one must not steal, nor have the intent to steal through action, speech and thoughts.
This concept is in regards to taking Nothing that does not belong to us.
Sounds simple right? Don’t touch someone else’s stuff...
but how often are we trying to steal time from someone, trying to persuade someone to do something they don’t freely want to do, or asking for someone’s attention when it is not freely given?
The root cause of imbalance with asteya... “I’m not good enough...”
Lack, insecurity, wanting, feeling ‘incomplete’ …. Essentially it all boils down to feeling like there’s something missing.
Clinging a little too tightly to pleasurable experiences, although the experience itself may be one of joy or happiness, the action of trying to hold onto it out of desire, ultimately creates more suffering.
The opposite of this is basically that feeling we get when we try really hard not to feel a painful physical or emotional feeling when it arises.
All of this really resonated. I realised that I am a thief. My asteya is imbalanced.
Over time I have found that the *constant* need for connection and reassurance has calmed a lot as my trust has become more confident, and surrounding environment has become more consistent. However, there’s still a long way to go.
It really seems like it’s simply about taking responsibility for ourselves and our space, and meeting others in and respecting theirs. Simple right? 🤔
I leave you with this thought...
To steal from another is also stealing from one's own potential ability to develop.
“When we are engaged in the joy and challenge of creating ourselves, we automatically serve the world rather than steal from it.”
and this question...
What are you stealing in order to feel better about yourself?
So, circling back to the first Gorean position I ever learned, and my second favourite after Nadu... Usage.
Where Nadu allows for the feeling of being connected with my femininity, Usage allows the feeling of being connected to my inner slut.
Something about this position is just so vulnerable and so very hot. Being exposed like that with one’s cunt on display really stirs my primal desires to be taken.
This position makes me recognise myself as a female... and I love it.
Then there’s also the challenge of holding it... feeling each and every muscle tensed... yet soft also, to create that beautiful gentle curve along the spine, ending in an arch that just flicks your hips and ass up into the air... presenting yourself fully to your Master.
The first thing I learned about this position is that it’s much more difficult than it looks lol. The second thing was that it’s often used as a punishment position. However in Gor, it’s more commonly used as a way of suggesting desire for your Master... or for his pleasure at just viewing (or using) his girl.
So I haven’t been here much lately and have been flitting on and off when I can. A common theme I have noticed has brought me to this blog. It’s not a nice one I’m sorry. It’s not a pep talk... or maybe it is if you need to hear it and it resonates with you.
We see a lot of writing about fakes. A lot of finger pointing. A lot of “us and them.” Clearly this attitude isn’t working because we continually hear about them.
I’m suggesting something different. How about instead of pointing fingers and outcasting people from yet another place in society, we learn a little compassion and try to encourage education and self study... maybe even in ourselves as well... after all, why are we feeling this need for finger pointing?
Yes, this is an outrageous suggestion. Especially if you’ve been hurt. Oddly though... I’ve been hurt too. And yet I still suggest it.
If it’s not working... try something different.
Creating an Us and Them has never worked anywhere in history.
There could be a million reasons as to why someone seems fake... and it’s very subjective to each person making that call. Consider this... maybe to someone... you seem fake.
Rather than instantly throwing judgement, why not excuse yourself graciously, as they’re obviously not the right match for you, and move along. They may need more time on their path of learning.
We are all coming out of the closet in one way or another here... and we all have very different closets.
As @ FunCouple says... please “be gracious... and be kind”... to all... even if you believe they don’t deserve it. Maybe you will be the person who teaches them what kindness feels like.
Me: “I always find it weird when people choose to go backwards on a train. I can understand if it’s full and there’s no other options. But if it’s empty and they have the choice of all the seats, I don’t get it.”
SF: “Well, it's safer ... especially if you don't have a seat belt.”
“Why is it safer?”
SF: “Which way is a baby seat supposed to face?”
Me: “Hmm 🤔... This is very interesting.”
SF: “Momentum is part of the equation.”
Me: “So they are actually all the smart people.”
Me: “And paranoid people. Lol.”
Me: “I’m guessing you do it. I am now really really fascinated with this.”
SF: “Not to mention, that if you want to sleep, facing back will keep you in your seat.”
Me: “I thought it was a trust thing, kind of like if they’re expecting the train to crash that doesn’t place much faith in the train or driver. BUT... they can’t see what’s coming, so the trust is there... it really is just a calculated choice. Whereas I and the majority seem to believe that if we can see what’s coming we’re somehow safer, without calculating any other factors. So it’s actually “us” that is lacking trust in both the train the driver and ourselves.”
Me: “How amazing. Thank you 😁.”
He’s so cool :)
Lessons everywhere. Now I want to move seats. Lol.
I saw my mum’s “little girl” today and it broke my heart.
How to even unravel this...
Today was a day that I was trying to not place much significance on, and yet I knew deep down that it wouldn’t be a tear-free day. I signed my divorce papers (again... long story... stuffed up paperwork). I had promised myself this morning that I wasn’t going to beat myself up or make a big deal about it or cry or eat. So...
For starters, I think perhaps I need to stop making stupid promises lol.
Paperwork signed, I then went to visit my parents. My mum is declining again. So it was the usual visit where I walk away hating myself for not just letting her live how she wants and loving her regardless of the choices she makes, and feeling like I need to throw my opinions at her. Ugh.
Anyway, after leaving, as I was driving (yes... this is when my “moments” always seem to happen... I’m a safe driver... I promise :D), I was heading straight for McDonald’s, contemplating what I was going to order. Then I remembered that I wasn’t going to do this. I want to break this cycle of emotional eating.
As I was having an internal dialogue about all this, a tiny voice started getting louder and louder saying the same thing over and over again... “please please please let me get McDonald’s.”
It floored me. I realised it was my Little. I realised that she was hurting big time and needed comfort. I also realised that I had always “parented” her by using food. I cannot tell you how overwhelmingly strong the urge was to continue this. And then of course the bargaining began... “we can start tomorrow.” 🙄
Yes... to clarify... this is all going on in my head as I’m driving.
In that moment... I saw my mum. My little girl saw her little girl. I saw her defiance and stubbornness and pain and need for comfort. I saw how scared... no... terrified she must be. The one thing that comforts the part of her that makes her feel safe... is the one thing we are trying to take from her. Food. Her nature is what has made her sick... her unhealthy relationship with food. I look at her and see a future that could be mine if I continue to walk this path.
My heart breaks for her because it’s too late. My little girl wants to coax her little girl out and show her that we can play together and be safe and have connection that doesn’t need to come from food.
So... I realised that I need to find healthier ways to comfort my Little when she’s hurting. Not ways to distract her (like colouring etc.). I mean ways to make her feel safe and nurtured.
The first of these was giving her a voice and listening.
The second was realising that by relenting and eating junk food, I wasn’t comforting her, I was ignoring her true needs.
The third was allowing her to feel her hurt and pain.
Where I go from here, I don’t know.
Sometimes I think a lot of the struggle we can have in the beginning is learning to let go of the expectations we have come with.
We all have an idea of what we think BDSM “should” look like. If we didn’t arrive with it, it doesn’t take long to form. We read experiences and stories and questions and answers and fairytales and nightmares... and a storyline begins to emerge. Well... this happened for me anyway.
It’s been a slow process without realising, of undoing the image (expectations) I had created of what my submission to someone would/should look like. What their Dominance would/should look like. And what our dynamic would/should look like. It’s been a surprise to realise that I had done this, because I actually thought I was doing the opposite. I believed I was undoing all of the vanilla influences that had been placed on me throughout my life... and I was... what I didn’t see was that I was just renaming them and giving them a different face.
Having these ideas/concepts/expectations is encouraged. It helps us “find ourselves” and to be able to label ourselves appropriately so that the one who matches us can find us. See the problem here? It’s a paradox. We are creating a sign that advertises “who we are” and what we’re looking for. So what happens when someone comes along who doesn’t look right or speak right or hold their tongue right? We dismiss them, because they don’t match what BDSM looks like in our mind.
If we let go of that, it’s super scary, because suddenly it’s just us as ourselves, having to trust that we can determine on an individual basis if the person before us is the right person or not... regardless of ticks and boxes and checklists. That’s a lot of hard work and effort.
But isn’t it worth it?
Just some random morning thoughts anyway.
I have come to realise that the blog section has changed in my time here. No... I’m not going on a rant of “the good old days” so keep your pants/panties untwisted. What I am pointing out however is that I have now recognised that it’s a very popular section... and often treated by some... and seen by others, as a teaching/learning aid.
I want to state very clearly that My Blogs are never intended for that purpose. If you happen to relate or get something from it... great! I hope I can help people to be able to see things they may or may not believe to be beneficial. However, my blogs are solely intended as a recount of my journey and experiences. My thoughts and opinions and beliefs and digging and uncovering and pain and joy and learning and growth. My Own Journey. Not yours... and not your subs.
Just because I have thought it or felt it or experienced it... does not mean that anyone else will. Just because I believe something... does not mean that anyone else will.
For those who come to this section to learn. Please be aware that nothing said here has to be proven. No one is held accountable if they lie or share beliefs that aren’t verified. So please take what you read... and go research it for yourselves before forming opinions.
Please always be safe and smart. There is only one of you.
*not my writing*
Do you have full ownership and management rights of your emotions or do they own and manage you?
We are all aware of the necessity from time to time to DETOX our body and cleanse it with healthy fluids and foods, if we want great physical health.
But what about our heart?
What about great emotional balance and health?
A regular habit of DETOXING our heart so we flush out negative emotion and fears is not only essential to our health and wellbeing, but also for maintenance of our sanity and the quality of our relationships.
Too many of us were raised on or still binge on junk beliefs, thoughts and feelings about ourselves and love.
Making emotional DETOXING a consistent ritual within our healthy lifestyle allows us to release fear and emotional stress, preventing cancerous accumulation.
Healthy, emotional DETOX outlets for consideration are a therapist, mentor, priest, spiritual healer or wise elder.
Daily meditative practices that calm the heart are also handy emotional DETOX tools. I am speaking about anything that brings your little heart joy, contributing to healthy self-respect created through gentle time with yourself.
These activities automatically dissolve emotional impurities, DETOX fears and build our Emotional Fitness.
For me my morning rituals of prayer, meditation, private journaling followed by digesting then sharing a DWV (Daily Word Vitamin) helps me DETOX just a little more fear every day.
It is an unfair and emotionally destabilising ask of family, lovers and friends to consistently hold a space for our fears and negativity that need to be flushed out.
I love Winston Churchill’s advice when it comes to achieving greatness on any level …
“The price of greatness is responsibility.”
We all need to emotionally cleanse if we wish to maintain good health. Some of us, however, need to do this more often than others if we have a backlog (a lot of emotional baggage that requires unpacking) … yep, that’s me.
If we do not or will not allow our heart the relief of a responsible place to release emotional waste we inevitably accidentally drop or deliberately dump our TOXIC bundle of emotional rubbish on those around us just to feel some relief. But the price of emotional irresponsibility is that we end up polluting our life with fear and negativity! And we then start to stink at being emotionally available in our intimate relationships.
Let’s remember to use the life we have been gifted with wisely and perhaps review how, where and with whom we carry out our regular emotional DETOX with.
Do we have a daily DETOX ritual of joy flushing our fear, or do we wait until our behaviour really stinks before we will start to replace emotional self-neglect with self-care?
It is our responsibility to manage our heart’s need to DETOX well so that we first do no harm to others and ourselves.
I need to know you can punish me better than I can punish myself... and I need to know that you will.