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Hidden In Plain Sight

The philosophies and adventures of a girl, just trying to make her way in the world.
“I’ve done every damn thing in the book wrong”... this is the story of that journey.
20 hours ago. Oct 29, 2020, 1:39 AM

I came across this excerpt in a book I am currently reading, and wanted to share it for those who it may resonate with as well:

 

•Clarify what kind of relationship you want.

Every intimate relationship has a purpose. Depending on where you are in your life, that could be anything from occasional casual fun to marriage and children. Sure, you don’t know how it will turn out when you start dating, but ideally you do know where you want to go if all goes well.

In my work, I often see couples who have never discussed the purpose of their relationship, and frequently, their conflicts stem from assumed common goals and misaligned relational intentions.

For instance, when the purpose of a relationship is having and raising children, this takes priority over an active travel or social life for a while. If a couple prioritizes fun, sex, and travel and suddenly one of the two wants to settle down and have children, it will require a change in purpose for both partners.

The purpose of a relationship can change, for instance when the children leave the house, but the change needs to be discussed and adjusted to.

The landscape of relationship has changed dramatically over the past ten years. There are many more options available to us in terms of the type of relationship we can have. Some people want long-term commitment but not marriage; some want children, some don’t; some already have children; some want a primary partner and other less-committed relationships available to them. There is the option of long distance, separate bedrooms, separate houses, communal living, alternative lifestyles of all kinds, and every kind of sexual and relational consideration imaginable. You can no longer assume that someone out there dating wants what you have in mind.

Before you engage with anyone, you might want to feel and think through what you truly require from a relationship. Many woman subconsciously cling to the fairy-tale ideal, but when they really examine their lives and what they are reasonably able to commit to, this ideal is a far cry from what they can really show up for. Others believe that they are perfectly open to the casual connection they agreed to, while their heart yearns for deep, lasting commitment. For this, take an honest look at where you are and the trajectory of your life. Imagine where you’d like to be in two, five, and ten years. What are the aspects of life that you absolutely want to experience, taking into account your personal life goals, your career plans, and whether or not you want children? If you are considering dating at the point in your life where biological children are no longer an option, consider whether or not you want a relationship that includes children and family from a partner’s previous marriage or relationship.

Be clear how much time you want to—and realistically can—spend with a future partner. Assess your lifestyle requirements and have your “no-go’s” honestly defined. The more clarity you have, the better you can define what you are looking for in a partner.

 

•Define the qualities of the partner who fits this kind of relationship.

Once you are clear on the relationship you want and, most importantly, the kind that you can honestly enter and sustain, define the kind of partner who would be willing and capable of joining you. This is where the commitment not to date “potential” comes in.

If you know you want children, don’t consider a man who is unsure and think, “Oh, he will want to have children when we know each other better.” Don’t anticipate that you will “turn him around” on any issue, for that matter. If he says he does not want to do something—regardless of what that is—assume that this is 100 percent true. The same applies if he himself has aspirations. Don’t assume that because he has a goal, he will reach it. In your mind, imagine whether you would still want to be with him if he never reached his stated goal.

If you have any expectations that he will grow into his potential, back off! He might, but he might not, and in the meantime, while you are waiting, you are depriving him of having a partner who truly likes and accepts him for who he is, and depriving yourself of the partner you desire.

 

•Clarify who you are and what you have to offer this kind of partner.

Take a good, honest look at who you are. Be realistic with what you have achieved so far and what you are hoping for. Here is a list of questions you can consider. If you have a trusted friend who can give you a frank outside view, these are questions you can ask him or her.

• Do you know what you want from a partner and from a relationship?

• Are you equipped to sustain what you desire?

• Are your life, habits, and surroundings conducive to the kind of intimacy you want?

• What do you have to offer a partner?

• Is your life a mess, and do you want a partner to rescue you?

• Do you believe that once you are in a relationship, your life will be magically transformed?

• Are you ready to receive what you desire right now?


Consider these questions and examine any myths of Prince Charming still lurking in your mind. Chances are that if you need a man to fix you and support your life, one of several things will happen:


1. The kind of partner who truly could support you will not be attracted to you. Quality men do not want to date needy women. Constant drama and breakdowns are not interesting to a loving and stable man who wants to create a full and successful life.


2. You’ll find a “savior” and enter into a codependent relationship. Men who fancy themselves as “white knights” tend to create unhealthy entanglements, as they derive their worth from rescuing you, not from relating to you as an equal partner.


3. You’ll fall for a promise that is never fulfilled, and you will chase that potential endlessly. You saw a glimpse of his best, but he never quite connected as deeply again. You spend the rest of the relationship chasing the ghost of that intimacy.

 

This is not to say that, in a good relationship, both partners don’t contribute and support each other; but they do so ideally from a place of mutual ability and generosity, and not because one partner’s life, mood, or career is constantly falling apart. Coming from a place of clarity, honesty, and self-worth will give you a good chance of finding someone with whom you are compatible and can enjoy the fullness of intimacy.


******


I hope this is helpful to those seeking. Good luck, and I wish you the best in finding what you’re looking for :)

1 day ago. Oct 27, 2020, 11:15 PM

“Becoming the Wise Woman is a position that can’t be bought, faked, or trained for. The only way to reach it is by staying alive long enough. There are lessons that can be learned only through the insight of hindsight, and a certain surrender and softness that comes from having loved, and lost, and loved again.”

5 days ago. Oct 24, 2020, 2:41 PM

It’s confronting having a shortcoming pointed out. When it comes from someone who’s word you trust though, it’s unavoidable.
Because you know it’s true, whether you want to believe it or not. 
That’s a hard pill to swallow. 
When it comes from someone who seems to accept everything about you... that’s when it’s time to truly listen.

5 days ago. Oct 24, 2020, 6:27 AM

The moment you give yourself a label, you’re sending out a message. You are telling people that you identify with the overall general meaning of that label... if you didn’t, then when you came across it, you wouldn’t have decided to pick it up and carry it with you.

 

So often I see people say... I’m more than this label... don’t judge me... I am me. If that’s the case, then step out from under the label and just be you.

 

I removed the “submissive” tag from behind my name a long time ago. Does this create confusion? Sure... to those who aren’t at a level of experience that is my preference. Those who walk to the same beat as me know exactly what I am. I don’t need labels to tell them... they will know soon enough through my character, behaviour and mannerisms if my way of being who I am resonates with them, and respond accordingly... if not, they will still respond accordingly.

 

Labels are a great way of advertising. I’ve said this before. They list the contents, ingredients, and may even have some eye-catching phrases. No matter how many things we put on a label though, it still doesn’t tell us how it tastes or even if it’s to our liking. That is an individual and personal preference. We don’t get offended if someone walks past an item we love on the shelf in a supermarket, so why so often do we see people so upset if someone doesn’t like your particular branding? If you don’t want to be judged for your branding... remove your label. Let others decide for themselves whether or not they like how you taste on their tongue... or whether or not they even want to cook with you. They will know very quickly whether or not you’re to their palate. And vice versa.

 

I don’t see it as being about matching labels. I see it as about being compatible humans. The right Dominant will bring out your submission... trust me. And the right submissive will feed your Dominance. We all have the same mishmash... we just have it in different combinations. It’s about finding someone who’s combination compliments your combination. Sounds simple, but most definitely not. One thing it’s not though, is personal.

 

So often I see (and did it myself) newbies wanting to be the “ideal submissive” or “ideal Dominant” that everyone is in awe of... either wanting others to want to be them or wanting others to want them for themselves. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s a huge ego thing lol. You will never be everyone’s cup of tea. Ouch. I know. But reality. We all have different tastes.

 

So just be you. Relax. Take a breath. Enjoy this journey of discovery. And practice patience. Those who align with you will eventually appear. The better you know yourself, the easier it is to know where to look and to recognise them when you find them... so focus on learning who *you* are... rather than looking for more catchphrases to add to your label collection. If that’s an uncomfortable thought, try asking yourself why? What does having that label mean to you, and what message are you trying to send by keeping it?

6 days ago. Oct 23, 2020, 2:58 PM

I’ve felt very much at a crossroads. Undecided what to do, where to go. It has been a time of a lot of contemplation and reflection. One thing I knew was that I needed to get back out into the community and just be around like-minded people. I found a local munch a few months ago and decided it would be the one... the step back into the community. Today was that munch. It didn’t disappoint... but then again... they never do.

When I find myself solely immersed in thecage community, it’s easy to forget what I’m missing “out there.” Some things experienced, are impossible to go back on... and this lifestyle in-person, is definitely one of those things. It’s the little things that are the reminders. Impossible to explain. Impossible to understand if not experienced.

It turned out to be a small group, yet a really lovely bunch of people, each and every person someone I’m genuinely glad to have met, and look forward to seeing again within our endeavours. So many eye-opening moments and realisations throughout the lunch.

Connection, bonding, conversation, laughter, listening, understanding, each of us providing a space for each other, silently saying “you are enough”... “you are accepted here”... “I and we see you.” Learning from each other, guiding each other. Just such a sense of community that I had forgotten.

I don’t know why it still happens these days after all this time, but I’m always absolutely in awe of how we can come together... strangers completely to one another, and leave as friends with a better understanding of each other than some of those who’ve known each of us our whole lives. It’s so enriching to be amongst our tribe. Soul nourishing. How can I possibly forget that? I never do. Life sometimes becomes so demanding that my focus becomes distorted... but I never forget to go find my people and come home to myself. That is the value of community. We bring each other home to ourselves. 

6 days ago. Oct 23, 2020, 1:37 AM

Reading back on the dancing blogs from yesterday I came across one that reminded me of a dance style I had learned and forgotten about.

Zouk...

 

lots of fun.

1 week ago. Oct 22, 2020, 2:47 AM

How can dancing not bring a smile to your face :)

 


I love the high energy and synergy of swing...

 

 

and jive...

 

 

 

... at any age.

 

1 week ago. Oct 22, 2020, 12:40 AM

If you’ve ever seen the movie Hook, you’ll know that reference. Where one of the Lost Boys is shifting Peter’s aged, worn face around to see if he can see if it’s really the Peter Pan he once knew. Finally he says, “oh... there you are, Peter.”


 

One of the most beautiful movie scenes I’ve ever seen. It has always stuck with me.

This last week has felt much like I’ve been doing this with myself. Shifting things around to remember the girl I once knew. Re-connecting with myself. It’s been a really beautiful process of stepping back into my heart. Of relaxing away from trying to push forward, and simply remembering to receive life.

As a goal orientated person, it’s so easy for me to slip into a pattern of “doing” rather than simply “being.” I have all of the ingredients necessary to be me, yet somehow at times manage to forget that. Usually when my cup fills up and begins to overflow... I panic.

If I have seemed quiet, that’s because I am. I’m reclaiming myself, and finally for the first time in quite a while I’m beginning to feel peace inside again. Stirrings of the person I know myself to be, coming back to the surface. This is how I connect best... from the space of my wholeness.

I thought that to become an adult and fit with this world I’m now seeing since crawling out from under my rock, I needed to change, needed to grow up. Well I’m here now, and I see that we’re all just as lost and confused as each other. So I am going to stand in my own story... regardless of how that looks to others.

I can’t go back to a time when everything was good, because that place doesn’t exist anywhere but in my mind. The mind that loves to tell me stories... both good and bad. I am realising though that I’ve got a new story to write... and it looks nothing like my past. This transition can be so scary. I have done it so many times before and it never gets any easier. Who knew there could be so many lifetimes in a lifetime? Sometimes it gets tiring. And that’s when I give myself permission to simply rest. To regather. To listen.

It feels nice to be re-connected with myself. It feels nice to be re-connecting with others from a place of being me again. Life hurts us all... there are no promises. Each morning we are given a gift. Each morning we decide what to do with that.

1 week ago. Oct 20, 2020, 2:02 AM

“Tell me a story... of who you are.”

 


“But I’m so tired of stories,” she says.

“I want real.”

 


“Real? What is real?”

“Do you mean something you can touch? Run your fingertips over?”

 


“Yes,” she says.

 


“Is love not real?”

“Is happiness not real?”

“Is sorrow not real?”

“We cannot touch these things... but they are very real... because they make us feel.”

 


“Perhaps that is more real than something we can touch.”

 


“Tell me a story of love,”

“Tell me a story of happiness,”

“Tell me as story of sorrow,” she says.

 


“Come... sit with me a while,” He says.

2 years ago. May 24, 2018, 11:57 AM