The Pondering Blog

5 days ago. Sun 15 Jul 2018 11:31:41 AM IDT

I came here expecting to find bdsm... and found a community.

I came here expecting to learn about kink... and learned about friendship.

I came here hoping to find someone who would save me... and found someone who showed me how to save myself.

I came here to hide and distract myself... and found depths of myself I never knew existed.

None of this was conscious... I thought I just came here out of curiosity.

All of this was conscious... I am so grateful.

5 days ago. Sun 15 Jul 2018 05:37:47 AM IDT

We spoke last night. It’s been a long time. We cried a lot. There was sadness and pain, but a lot of it was release. I couldn’t quite work out why I reached out, but I knew I needed to. I needed to know he was ok. I needed him to know I still cared. I needed him to know that it all meant something to me too. It was the most beautiful conversation we’ve ever had. Even still, he amazes me. I love that we’re still able to see the good in each other. 

On a drive this morning I was thinking and pondering as to why I felt this need to interact again. It hit me like a smack in the face. This holiday I’m on at the moment, has been a regathering, about finding direction... taking a step back and evaluating, and deciding how and in what way to move forward. As I sat in the car crying (again 🙄... I’m amazed I’m not dehydrated), I realised that I’d gone back to him to seek permission to move on. It’s time. And being the gentle, wise soul he is, I think he knew that. And that’s exactly what he gave me. The relief and release is like a breath of fresh air. I haven’t breathed in over a year... but I didn’t realise I was holding my breath. Where I go from here, I don’t know. But finally I’m beginning to feel a little bit of my adventurous spirit coming back, I’m beginning to forgive myself for leaving a good person, I’m beginning to feel my heart open again... the sunshine is finally getting in :)

5 days ago. Sat 14 Jul 2018 07:12:00 PM IDT

It’s been over a year now. A crazy, messed up roller coaster of a year for us both. Drowning in the pain of my uncertainty. Guilt is a killer... it creeps up on you ever so gently, and wraps itself around your heart. Every time we spoke, my guilt was there smothering everything I wanted to say. Every time I wanted to ease your pain, my pain screamed louder. Your pain was my pain. I swam out from the safety of our shore, thinking I was destined for my island of self, but got crushed by wave upon wave upon wave, crashing down on me, until all I could do was give up and stop fighting the current. I let go of your hand... I’m sorry. We were both drowning. I thought maybe this way we at least had the chance to both survive. I’m sorry you nearly didn’t. I nearly didn’t either. But we are strong... that’s what made us so strong together. I’m glad you found a life raft... I hope she has a good heart that holds yours close and cherishes it dearly. You deserve that. I don’t know what I deserve, but I’m learning to swim.

1 week ago. Tue 10 Jul 2018 11:00:30 AM IDT

1 week ago. Sun 08 Jul 2018 11:22:51 PM IDT

When you love someone who constantly overthinks, you are loving someone who's mind play tricks on them. *You are loving someone who can't help the way that they think. Who can't help how much* they think.

Someone who over thinks is someone who is always going to have questions. They are someone who is always going to be processing one thing at a time, and then constantly be overwhelmed with what if's and questions marks.

When you love someone who overthinks, you have to be confident in your relationship. And you have to be an over sharer.

You need to be one step ahead of them, never letting their head start to spin with self doubt and self hatred. You need to not just tell them that you are there for them, you need to show up and do it. You need to take action, instead of just putting words into their head.

You need to be compassionate. To understand when they have questions about your past or about last night. To understand when out of nowhere, they are being flooded with fear. To understand when they think everything is terrible, while meanwhile, you think everything is great.

They can't help how their brain is programmed to process life. They can't help the thoughts that poke and prod them until they need to explode. They can't help it.

You need to show them empathy. To show them that you aren't going to judge them when they ask you if you love them for the hundredth time in a day. To show them that you aren't going anywhere when they tell you what they are worried about, or what they are fearful about. You need to show them that you will love them, despite how much they repeat and overthink and over worry.

You need to be able to communicate. To not just reply with one word answers or one sentence text messages. You need to be able to always say how you feel when you feel it, instead of hiding it. Over thinkers will try to find meaning in everything that you say and do, so you might as well always tell the truth, even if it's hard to do.

You need to be able to talk them out of their frenzies. To be able to calmly tell them, 'no of course that isn't going to happen', or 'I promise they didn't think you were weird', or 'of course my parents adored you'.

Over thinkers tend to over analyze everything, but also over analyze the people that they are with. Be prepared to have an answer for everything. And be prepared to sometimes have hard conversations (just like every other relationship in the world).

Above all, you need to be loving. Loving an over-thinker can be a challenge, but isn't every relationship a challenge? Be yourself and let them know how much you care about them. An over-thinker can sometimes drive you crazy, but they will stay loyal to you for eternity.

And they will love you, no matter how many weird habits you have or how much baggage that you carry. They will love you for not just putting up with them, but for loving them no matter how many times they drive you absolutely nuts.

 

*Written by Lauren Jarvis-Gibson
https://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-jarvis-gibson/2017/02/this-is-how-you-love-someone-who-constantly-overthinks/

 

 

1 week ago. Sat 07 Jul 2018 01:05:27 AM IDT

2 weeks ago. Tue 03 Jul 2018 12:39:42 AM IDT

4 weeks ago. Fri 22 Jun 2018 05:12:01 AM IDT

1 month ago. Tue 19 Jun 2018 10:08:20 AM IDT

The first time I experienced the sound of silence, it absolutely crushed me. I felt terrified, I felt I wasn’t enough, I’d done something wrong, I felt abandoned, I was hurt and angry and scared and confused. I didn’t know what was happening or even why it was happening. 

 being ignored...

In my eyes, there is a very distinct difference between being ignored, and silence as a punishment. I think many people (as I did originally), often confuse the two. After a lot of observation and experience with this, I’ve noticed that ignoring seems to merely be a bit of a temper tantrum, an inability to communicate, and well... a little bit childish. Unfortunately, it’s also very overdone. I know for myself, that I find being ignored very detrimental. It damages trust, solidity, and it’s not consensual.

 silence as punishment... 

I made a conscious decision early on, to not make silence as a punishment a hard limit for me, because I didn’t want to take away my Doms option of having a way of truly punishing me if it was necessary... removing His attention is probably the most painful thing for me. It requires a huge amount of trust for me to hand them that one. And it comes attached with conditions... the punishment is to be discussed beforehand eg. why and how long for etc. In those circumstances, it’s a very effective tool. For myself, it can be quite positive, as it makes me aware that I’ve done something very wrong, and encourages self reflection. This, is consensual. It has been agreed upon ahead of time. This, I do not find detrimental because it doesn’t make me feel unsafe or abandoned. It helps me to learn. 

 the important thing to remember...

It’s so difficult to communicate when you’re hurt and angry. No one likes to say things that can’t be taken back. The desire to step away is understandable, and can seem like the logical thing to do. However, on the other side of the coin, is a person left wondering what’s going on. I have been on both sides of the coin.

What it ultimately comes down to is whether it’s going to strengthen your foundation, or weaken it. Finding cracks and fixing them is very different from creating cracks that weren’t there to begin with.

 

*i understand that there’s potentially a lot of triggers here for people. Just be aware that I speak only for my personal experiences.

Wow

1 month ago. Thu 24 May 2018 11:57:14 AM IDT