*who said romance is dead :D
*who said romance is dead :D
He leads by example. I shut people out... I push people away. He doesn’t. He wants me to learn to do the same. I thought he was trying to teach me how to communicate... but I just realised that he’s showing me. His words don’t just match his actions... they’re based on them. Rock.
He’s helping me let go. Of my past, my future... the need to try to control... the desire to hang on. He’s helping my heart to heal. To become whole again. He’s creating a safe space for it to come out and reveal itself to him. He’s so very patient. Scissors.
He wants to rewrite my story. He wants to be the place where my words fall. No matter what words they are. He wants them all. Paper.
**please read previous blog first**
I can remember when I first arrived here on the cage. I was married, I was doe-eyed, I was so very naive and I was just peeking in out of curiosity. LOL. All I can do is laugh. Those who can relate will understand why I’m laughing. Those who are new... give it time... you will.
When I got here, I felt like a goldfish in a shark tank. I had no idea who to trust. I felt like everyone was out to get me. I met so many people. I read a lot. I met the person who changed my life.
Number one... The Mentor.
He was the sweetest thing. I shared that I was happily married and only on the site to research and learn. He offered to help me... to teach me. He was a safety net in a sea of monsters, so I grabbed it with relief and settled into the comfort of knowing someone was going to keep me safe from all “those predators.” Who wouldn’t want help? I had reached out to a few lovely subs as well. One of which has been a guardian angel and ferocious lioness at times lol, throughout the whole time I’ve known her. I remember when I told her who I had met as my Mentor, and she told me simply...
“he’s no good.”
So being new and stubborn, I didn’t listen... because he didn’t seem like he was “no good”... he was smart and funny and gorgeous and sweet and knew how to make me feel so safe... he was lovely.
Right up until he ghosted me... the first time.
We messaged constantly. I did the whole picture of me holding up a sign he told me to write... to show I was real. I had to do it topless to “prove my dedication.” It was out of my comfort zone... but who was I to question my new guide on this new and exciting adventure. Everything was out of my comfort zone... so I couldn’t tell what was strange and what was normal.
We discussed everything. He really did teach me a lot.
Right up until he ghosted me... the first time.
Our talk eventually began to turn sexual. I found myself aroused. This was a problem. I was “happily married” so what was I doing? He wanted me to send him a video of me masturbating. What?!?!
“Ok... this doesn’t feel right. But what do I know about this world? Nothing. But he does... he knows how it works. And he’s been right about everything else so far... so this must be normal.”
Except... I can’t do it. I try so desperately hard to because I want to please him. But I can’t.
Ghosting number one.
It kills me. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I feel like a complete failure. I feel so broken. I feel so very rejected. I hate myself. I write a forum and ask for advice. I hear the term “ghosting” for the first time.
He comes back. Oh no... it was all in my head... he hadn’t disappeared... there’d been some drama in his offline life. Ahhhh what a relief. All is good. Life continues. We continue. So many questions... so much to learn. He disappears on and off sporadically, and if I mention it, he always has a great reason... usually drama with his ex. I assume this behaviour is normal and that I’m just being clingy and needy... and he assures me that that’s exactly the situation. He also tells me that I’m a “time whore.” He assures me that he knows best because he’s so experienced. So I stop questioning his disappearances.
“Of course he knows more than me... I’m still so new... and it’s so lovely that he’s willing to teach and guide me and keep me safe from all those monsters.”
I realise I’m falling for him. This is a problem for me because I believe very strongly in being faithful. I began to realise that even by being on the site, I felt like I wasn’t being fair to my husband or our marriage **please... my own thoughts and feelings... I’m not attacking anyone** so I began seriously looking within to see what was going on. I mentioned these thoughts to my Mentor.
Ghosting number two.
This time I’m sure he’s gone. I mean who wouldn’t freak out at that?
I decide it’s for the best because I now have a lot to think about. I realise that my marriage is over and has been for quite some time. I realise that that had been my last ditch attempt at saving what we had. I had taken my new communication skills to my husband and we had spoken about everything. I told him about the site, about the Mentor, about my interests in exploring this aspect of myself... everything. We talked and talked and talked. We talked like we never had... so open and honest. And my fears were recognised. It seemed that it wasn’t “fixable.” I went away for a few weeks to clear my head and think. I don’t like to feel like I’m making rash decisions. It was over.
I returned home and shared my decision with my husband. We talked and cried and talked and cried. It was devastating. I’m not going to rehash it all.
Time goes by. I move and begin trying to learn a new way of living. It feels bittersweet because I finally feel free to be who I am... but there’s been so much destruction to get to that point.
Return of the Mentor. He comes back into my life complaining about his latest experience with a new submissive. I hold no grudge because I consider him a friend, and he really did teach me a lot. So we discuss it. And we keep talking. I ask him about ghosting me. We have a conversation slightly more honest than we had been able to in the past. He explains that he had started with the desire to mentor me, however had decided he wanted me as his submissive. This created conflict. Of course I was flattered and felt so special. I went to my peers in chat, and sought advice... many told me it was frowned upon within the community... but possible... it wasn’t unheard of, however many disagree with the shift from Mentor to Dom because they believe it to be an abuse of power. I myself tend to now agree with that train of thought. However, back then I was still stubborn, naive little me...
so, I agreed to give it a go... as Dom and sub. He loved me and I loved him. Things were so lovely. I was on top of the world. He told me I was a “babygirl” type of submissive and I thought he was crazy lol. I was like
“ummm no, and there’s no way I’m calling you Daddy”
lol. However I researched it anyway and kept my mind open to the possibility. Things were going along perfectly. He told me he wanted to collar me. At this stage, although I found that exciting... I really didn’t know what that meant all that much. I hadn’t done any research and knew nothing, apart from what he told me and what I researched from there. So I said ok...
I was just required to do one task to show my dedication for his collar... shave my pussy and write that I was his on myself with permanent marker... and send him a pic. All of this was new to me.
“Could I do it?”
It was after all, all about exploring and pushing my boundaries... and I had already been feeling like such a prude because I wouldn’t masturbate on video for him. So I did... and sent the pic.
Ghosting number three.
“Did I do it wrong? Was he not pleased with my body? No one wants me. I’m such a worthless piece of shit. I can’t believe I’ve done this. I can’t believe he’s done this to me again. I can’t believe I let him do this to me again.”
A week passes. I wait. It’s excruciating. A stranger pops into my inbox to say hello. He’s also from Australia and not so far away. He’s very lovely and a willing ear. He tells me that this Dom is no good and that I need to leave him. My hope won’t let me. I wait like a dog for him to come back. So new Dom on the scene becomes my sympathetic ear while I wait...
So I’ve decided to try to recount my journey into submission both on the cage and offline. It’s a little rusty.
The idea behind doing this is that hopefully it might help other new subs to see that so much of what they’re experiencing and feeling has happened to us all... and that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
Every experience (positive or negative) is an experience towards our growth...
Painful experiences have taught me to not be so afraid of pain... I am so much more resilient than I thought.
Joyful experiences have taught me about connection... vulnerability can be safe.
I am no longer the person I was. I am more “me” than I’ve ever been... and I owe that to every person who has put time and energy and effort into me... including myself. Every person tried as best they knew how. Hindsight tells us that something wasn’t right for us... however we need to experience it to know that. I see each experience as a stepping stone... each one leading on to the next... each a necessary step to experience in order to be prepared for the next. Without those lovely men, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. And I like where I am :)
**no names or identifiable characteristics will be used in these blogs, out of respect for those I’ve shared this journey with. It’s my story, not an exposè.
Something I have come to realise is that I am aroused from being in trouble. Like it really turns me on. Even just a scolding. Perhaps more just a scolding than anything else. What does that mean? Does that mean that I am actually a brat and didn’t realise? I never would’ve considered myself a brat. Are the two connected? I don’t feel like I try to purposely get into trouble, but what if subconsciously I do because I like it?
I mean, don’t get me wrong... I love hearing the words “good girl.” It takes me to cloud nine. But hearing that I’ve been a “bad girl” when I’ve done something wrong... that makes my knees weak... and well... other stuff ;)
As I’ve been writing this, it has occurred to me that it could be to do with along the lines of humiliation. Something I never expected to find myself going near. Degradation I have explored a little. However, humiliation has always been a huge trigger for me... and has always been listed as a hard limit... public (vanilla) humiliation. I have spent my whole life experiencing humiliation because I seem to be hypersensitive to feeling it... and quite often do stupid things. Everything makes me embarrassed- from those small moments of awkwardness to wishing the earth would just swallow me up. For some reason, I’ve just realised, it seems to be a core turn on for me, yet at the same time, truly horrifying.
Or perhaps... my fear is humiliation, and what turns me on is pushing through my fears. Hmm 🤔 a lot of thoughts to ponder this morning. Until next time :)
• “‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.” —Demetri Martin
• “Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.” —Jimmy Carr
• “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” —Steven Wright
• Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”