Hidden In Plain Sight

1: When did you lose your virginity?

*partying with my best friend, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s best friend. It was a lot of fun!

2: Rough sex or soft sex?

*both, especially in the same session. I love juxtaposition, so… being choked while he looks deep into my eyes and fucks me deeply and slowly, or tenderly dragging his fingers down the side of my face while I’m gasping for air during face fucking… yes please 🥰 

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?

*lol, many.

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex?

*goodness, this is testing the memory… weirdest and best (place)- on a chair in the rain in a thunderstorm.

5: Favorite sex position?

*depends on the mood- on my stomach, legs closed if I want to feel “enveloped,” doggy- if I want to fuck, standing- if the mood is passionate, on my back with legs over his shoulders- if I want deep penetration with connection, on top- if he enjoys a show.

How is it possible to choose just one?!

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive?

*it’s more natural for me to be submissive, however, I have at times tried to step out of my comfort zone and “top” in certain acts if asked.

7: Have you ever had any one night stands?

*yes, plenty. Not so much anymore though.

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?

*everywhere. Bed is my least favourite though. Love the floor.

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?

*yes, a few times. I have a bit of a “thing” for sex in public toilets 🤷‍♀️

The last time was at the beach though.

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?

*lol, many, many times.

11: What does your favourite underwear look like?

*although my preference is to simply be naked, I do love dressing up. Lingerie is always something I love- especially the sets with the half-cup bra and panties that have an open crutch.

12: How often do you have sex?

*as often as possible. In a relationship, daily (at least once) if it’s an option.

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?

*always

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

*giving by far! Cock worship is definitely a kink for me. Although I’m coming to enjoy the exploration of learning to receive.

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?

*this is difficult to answer because I don’t really find anything embarrassing within its natural form. There are mishaps but I tend to just laugh about it and move on. So nothing comes to mind (I’ll update if anything does).

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?

*anything. Music becomes a background noise when I’m focused on what we’re doing.

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow sex?

*same as above.

18: Are you into dressing up for sex?

*yes. I love bondage gear, latex, harnesses, stockings, hoods, red lipstick, mascara… the full deal. Not all the time, but there’ll usually be something in the mix.

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?

*both.

20: If you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be?

*tim robbins/russell brand/billy bob thornton, mila kunis/isla fisher

21: Have you ever had a threesome?

*yes, a few ffm. Currently in the process of organising my first mmf.

22: Do you/would you use sex toys?

*most of the time.

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?

*yes. I love sending pictures of things requested from a partner, or sometimes just surprising them with a little something. Not so much into sexting/role playing via text, but I do still do it at times- moreso as a form of “foreplay” leading up to a play session.

24: Would you have sex with your best friend?

*not anymore.

25: Is there anything you do after sex?

*snuggle. I’m a total snuggle bug!

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?

*that “look,” being corrected in a stern voice, being touched with deliberation anywhere lol. And kissing!

27: Early morning sex or late night sex?

*both- consecutively. Early morning sex using the previous nights cum as lubrication is just too hot to pass up 🥵 

28: Favorite body part on the opposite sex?

*hands, cock, chest- including chest hair. mmmm 🤤

29: Favorite body part on the same sex?

*lips, breasts, belly. All the soft bits 🤤

30: Do you watch porn?

*yes. I go through stages- sometimes watching it a lot, sometimes not much at all.

It had been a rough week. He was arriving Friday, and suddenly my day blew out- an extra shift, an appointment, a hospital visit. My energy depleted, I began dreading his arrival. With that dread came an annoyance. I had suggested shifting our visit to the following weekend but he had said it would be ok. He wanted to see me. I wanted to see him, but there was a resistance. He felt like another burden added to my week. The thought of demands or expectations or even having to simply “host” a visitor, just seemed too much.

When he arrived I was withdrawn. We spoke about our plans for the weekend. He told me about his week. We fucked. We relaxed into our familiar routine. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of resistance. I shared with him that I was feeling super flat and just wasn’t feeling it. He listened and allowed me to share- reminding me I was safe, care emanating from every part of him. He offered the opportunity to cut his visit short if I felt the need. We simply relaxed and talked. He gave me space and offered comfort. At the height of my resistance I considered asking him to leave. He shared a concern that he was invading my needed “me” time. A part of me wanted to ask him to go, but another part of me was comforted simply by his presence. So I sat with it. And he sat with me, doing his own thing. Without trying to save or fix. Nor take anything on personally. I love that.

We talked some more. We had spoken of my resistance to others seeing me at my worst. He held me in that space with tenderness.

Finally, we went to the place of unspoken, and brought everything to light. It allowed me to remember to see him, and not the stories I create. And the strangest thing happened. Everything dropped away.

We ended up having a wonderful second night and following day, full of intimacy, insatiable sex, lightness and laughter. He helped me come out of my head and back into my body. Slowly. Gently.

His patience is unwavering.

He gave me permission to show up in any way, which ironically gave me the freedom to let go and connect deeper.

He scares me because he is a promise. A promise of a future I could have. A future I don’t feel ready for. Or maybe deserving of? I’ve sent so many prayers out to the universe, hoping. But I never actually expected anything to show up. Yet here he is. And I can list a million reasons as to why he’s not the right one. But something tells me otherwise. I don’t know what. It feels like it’s something beyond my comprehension, perhaps because it’s the unknown.

I read an interesting passage tonight that spoke of the difference between trust and faith. Trust requires a relationship and knowledge about the character of the person you are committing yourself to. Whereas faith is believing that if you jump you’ll be caught. I trust him. I just don’t have the capacity for faith right now. I shared this with him and he told me that’s ok. He isn’t going anywhere of his own accord, and there’s no pressure for me to be at any place other than where I am right now. I believe him when he tells me these things. And I agree. I don’t need to be anywhere else other than where I am.

He touches my belly. I love that. There’s no tentative uncertainty as to what’s allowed and what isn’t. I have given him permission to my body, and he accepts and trusts that.

He tells me I’m sexy. And somehow I actually believe him when he says it. With such authentic conviction it’s impossible not to.

He fucks me exactly how I love. Rough, hands pulling hair, on my throat. But it was when he spit on my face that I truly melted.

He says he wants to learn me. What I like. What turns me on. It’s impossible to explain that everything turns me on. It’s the way it all comes so naturally to him and he doesn’t even realise. It’s just a matter of him learning to trust himself and that it’s there, between us, already. His touch. That look he gets.

I lay awake next to him wondering what he sees in me. The thing that he seems to revere so much. I can’t see it. But somehow he manages to make me trust that there’s something there.

I’m pretty lost at the moment. Once upon a time Someone told me I was a slave, and I believed them because it seemed true. But my last experience didn’t go so well, and has left me super confused. I don’t know if it was me perhaps not actually being a slave that was the problem? Hindsight does show that I made a lot of big mistakes. Or maybe I chose wrong? Or both? I don’t know. Either way, I’ve lost trust in myself.

But now I’m in some kind of limbo unsure of where to go or what to do. I feel very “balk-y” at the idea of slavery or even giving anyone any power over me now, and although I have a wonderful fwb whom I adore, the “kink world” is just so hollow and only scratches the surface. I find myself coming here and wanting to participate, and watch from the sidelines, but I no longer have such an unwavering faith in my ability to try to give that level of devotion again. At least not enough to want to consider stepping back into any form of power exchange, or even relationship for that matter, any time soon. Today someone told me that I shouldn’t go into relationships with a “forever” mindset and that really hit hard for some reason, because I don’t know how else to be “all in” if it’s not with the idea of wanting to be there forever. Above all it made me realise that I have no reference points anymore. Things I felt sure about are gone.

My first focus after everything ended was to try to scrape back together some form of self worth, but it feels kind of empty without the somewhat naive levels of hope and belief I once carried. It feels like someone told me Santa isn’t real. And I’m terrified of becoming one of those bitter hags that goes through life miserable because they were too scared to try again 😕 I want to be a joyous hag! 🤪

It’s not a lack of meeting wonderful men. I’m just reluctant and afraid of making the same mistakes, or choosing wrong, and I’m not the sort of person to be with someone simply because I can’t be alone. I know I don’t function well solo, but I’d rather struggle than use someone just to make my life easier. Maybe my heart just isn’t ready. Actually, there’s no maybe… clearly my heart isn’t ready.

I worry I’m trapped in a place of my own doing, but don’t know how to get out of it.

“How can you be so gentle

in a world that is so harsh?” They asked.

“When you are strong on the inside,

you can afford to be soft on the outside,

for there is no need to prove

what already exists within,” she answered.

   ~?●?~

“Fall in love gently. Remind yourself that you are the longest relationship of your life. Remind yourself that you are a child of this universe and that you are worthy of happiness. Fall in love with the way you feel things deeply. The color of someone’s laughter. The texture of someone’s kindness. The nostalgia of going back to places that caused you so much pleasure and pain. You are an old soul trapped in a body that’s slowly, slowly decaying. You are a traveler of both the outer world and the inner world. Fall in love with your failures. The events that shaped you into becoming who you are today.

Embrace your shortcomings for they serve as a lesson in your formless memory. Forgive yourself for everything that is causing you so much pain. It is a brutal process, and you must get through it. Self-hate can only generate more worry in your life. Let it go. You don’t have to carry it forever. Fall in love with your body. Romanticize it. The freckles on your face are constellations. The heart-shaped birthmark right behind your hips. The positive aura of your gummy smile. The way that your body is working hard to keep you alive like electricity lighting up a whole city on a cloudless night.

Fall in love with your existence. The little things that make you who you are. The poetry that you write. The instrument that you play. The way you put your makeup on as you face another challenging day. These little things that make you who you are come from the way you express your being. Fall in love with yourself until you finally feel like home.”

— Juansen Dizon

‘You don’t always have to pick up all the pieces, bub,’ he said.

My mind stopped mid conversation. What? That statement hit like a tonne of bricks. “I feel obligated to pick up all the pieces,” I replied. “Not just my own, but those of everyone around me.” I sensed it was a role I had been playing for most of my life. The problem solver. The advice giver. The carrier of burdens. The helper. The fixer.

I imagined for a moment what it could be like to remove that hat. Relief washed over me. I imagined the freedom. I don’t always have to pick up all the pieces. What would that even look like?

An age-old story popped her head up… “If you don’t, who will?” “Everything will fall apart.” “That’s not safe.”

Not a story. A reality growing up. I was the one who created calm amidst chaos. It was my role. Looking back, a rather gargantuan responsibility for a child to carry. Looking now, a rather exhausting responsibility for an adult to carry.

What if I hung that hat up? What would happen? Would everything really fall apart?

A part of me is excited at the prospect of not feeling like I have to carry that weight anymore.

Courage is choosing the unknown.

Bravery is sitting in the vulnerability of not knowing what will happen there.

And Integrity is doing the work despite the fact that it won’t get you accolades.