Hidden In Plain Sight

Don’t fall in love with me.
Not unless you’re ready for a goddamn fight.
I don’t want frailty,
fiction, and fairy tales.
I want you to be irrational
because I’m irrational.
Be bold. Speak your mind.
I want your wildfires and obscenities.
I want your passion and priorities.
Protect what’s yours.
I’ll defend what’s ours.
Let us fight against routines and bad habits
and anything typical.
And don’t you dare quit.
Not on us, not on yourself.
God help the person who threatens us.
Forgive me when I let you down,
but don’t ever overlook it
or allow it.
We're all insecure about something -
Show me yours.
We’re all terrified sometimes -
Turn to me.

People come in and out of my life
so often
and so easily
that I just look for a love that stays.
I don’t mind your blemishes or scars.
I have a few of my own.
Don’t be another flash in the pan.
Falling for me will be easy.
Staying with me will be impossible.
But you deserve a love
that most people don’t believe in anymore.

J. Raymond

Acceptance can open new and unexpected doorways. As someone who tends to bleed all over the pages, I doubt it’s any secret that my relationship ended not too long ago.

It’s been messy.

Not in a malicious way. But in a human way.

We still love each other very much. And we just kept having moments of wanting to try again and again and again. But we kept coming to the same place. The same insurmountable place of realising we’re simply in very different places… or not compatible… or, whatever. The obvious fact is, we just don’t work together. It has been mostly me that has struggled with the acceptance of this. He’s much more pragmatic with matters of the heart.

Having said that, in a weird way we do fit. We are a team. A family. A mishmash of misfits that have ended up together (he, myself, and our furry human that would be absolutely mortified to learn she’s actually a dog 🙄lol).

The most recent time of “wanting to try again,” I gently reminded him of where we would end up again within a few weeks. I explained that although I love him and will support him and be by his side, it cannot be as “his.” I needed to close that door and stop waiting to be enough. We are so much better together with a little distance between us.

But…

I relented a few days later and said I wanted to try again too. To which he then reminded me. Lol.

Messy.

Pondering the situation, I finally found acceptance. And a beautiful realisation.

He is my best friend. And he’s a *great* best friend. And I am a *great* best friend to him.

We soothe each other’s souls with some kind of mutual understanding I’ve not encountered before. Perhaps because our wounds are so similar. Which too could explain our struggles when we’re too close.

With that little bit of distance we can relax and feel safe and appreciate the other for who we truly are. Without fear.

The struggle I’ve had is in recognising the behaviours I carry that contributed towards our undoing. I kept thinking that if only I could just “fix” myself fast enough we’d be ok. That’s no way to live. And that’s no way to love. And that’s certainly no way to feel safely loved.

And, it’s simply not true.

There is no time schedule. Nor should there be pressure to have one. That was just my stubbornness and denial.

After a wonderful conversation with my sister recently, I decided to make a pact with myself. She said I’m much better in relationships than I am out of them. I thrive in a relationship, yet when on my own, I kind of become dormant. Like I’m simply waiting. The truth of this hit hard. I’ve actually never before felt so seen. And to be honest, as much as a part of me loved that. A part of me also, didn’t.

I’m not the type of person who has ever just wanted to focus on my strengths. Rather, I prefer to find my weaknesses and strengthen them. I don’t know why. And it has made for a life of not really experiencing many moments that don’t involve struggle. The drive for wholeness is stronger than the need for comfort I guess.

So… the pact. No focus on any potential for a relationship for at least a year. I want to spend time alone. Truly alone. No “back-up plan.” No online. Nothing. Just me. Friends, of course. Friends, with no agenda.

The first thing I felt?

Fear, of course. Then, strangely, relief.

I had no idea how much I had begun somewhere along the lines of placing my value and worth on whether or not someone else wanted me. Yikes. Which of course was adding to my already diminishing self-esteem that I had left behind somewhere in my thirties.

It has been suggested I’ve been punishing myself. I think there’s an element of truth to that. I also think there’s a lot more. But it doesn’t matter anymore.

New journey. New path. New adventure.

I asked my sister to hold me accountable. So the next time I run to her gushing about some guy (because of course I will!), I’ve asked her to remind me of my promise to myself.

‘What if you meet the one?!’ First question everyone asks. Also the first question I asked myself (aren’t we just such beautifully hopeless romantics? 😊).

‘Well, if I meet the one… they’ll understand,’ I said to both myself and others.

I understand so much better now how time means very little more than the emphasis we place on it. I am happy. I can be happy alone. My value, when I meet another, won’t come from having them in my life. But it will be wonderful to want to, and know I can, share it with them in a way that doesn’t come from a place of thinking that it does.

When my cup is full it flows over,

onto you, onto others.

Onto everything I touch.

It’s not about what I can get,

it’s about what I can give.

When my cup is full my heart bursts with love,

love for you, love for others.

Love for life.

It’s not about what things I can have,

it’s about moments.

When my cup is full I can hold space,

space for you, space for others.

Space for me.

There are no battles being fought,

everything becomes sacred.

When my cup is full everything becomes clear,

why I’m here, why you’re here.

Why it’s all worth it.

There is no shame,

only gratitude.

Lounging like a lizard, legs…

Something slightly more exotic, legs…

‘I wanted so very desperately to please you,’ she said.

‘And I tried so humiliatingly hard.’

‘But it was never enough.’ ‘I could never be enough.’

‘So I gave up.’

‘We can’t have a D/s relationship… but I still need a Master.’

‘Without a Sun to revolve around, I am lost.’

‘You want me in your life. You want something from me. Something I have never figured out because it seems you like so little about me. Except my heart and my loyalty. And perhaps the fact I was willing to give it to you so freely, with such little in exchange.’

‘You’ve made me strong.’

‘You’ve made me realise I can walk through this world alone.’

‘But you’ve also made me realise that I don’t want to be with someone who teaches me I can walk alone.’

‘I want to be with someone who teaches me I don’t have to.’

‘The truth knocks on the door and you say, “Go away, I’m looking for the truth,” and so it goes away.’

*not my writing, but thought this was awesome so wanted to share*

The BDSM and kink scenes already have a thriving culture of consent and self-awareness.

One can bop around the kitchen listening to music and really enjoy it. It is healthy and fun. You can learn different dance moves to make it more fun… Or one can also choose to consciously enter into each note and become the music… To develop a relationship with the music and let it possess and move you on all levels… Utilising techniques from tantra, mindfulness and other subtle arts to enter more deeply into each exquisite moment… breath, presence, heart awareness, energy, intent make the world of difference to this experience.

One form of engaging with music is not inherently better or more moral than the other. They are just different experiences. However it does have to be acknowledged that by consciously engaging with music we do have a deeper more fully engaging experience. So too with kink and BDSM. Conscious Kink is a specialist focus that has the intention to explore those deeper places.

Engaging Holistically…

Conscious kink in this context means acknowledging the potential kink has to be a gateway to incredible intimacy, self-development, discovery of the Mysteries of existence, ecstatic (and other) states of consciousness and profound love. It is about intentionally fostering the skills, relationships and scenes to take kink to the next level. To get to some kinds of states of consciousness it takes developing certain skills within us. It’s about including all of us in our exploration and play… body, mind, heart and soul.

Doesn’t this make kink too “nice” and kill the sexy?

Being conscious about kink certainly doesn’t mean “light and fluffy” or “politically correct” BDSM only. Delving into the feeling of danger and mystery can often be what ignites our erotic play… taking risks… peeking into the dark crevices of our souls… exploring power or intensity can be what gives a session its bite and heat… carving a delicious memory into our flesh that lasts a life time.

Conscious kink is not about sanitising that… oh no! It is about engaging with it in a consensual and aware way that aims to have a positive effect on all involved and allows us to travel deeper into each moment. It is about learning and harnessing skills to ride the wave rather than be rolled by it… and to enter states of being and well, consciousness, one cannot get to otherwise…

Consciously approaching BDSM takes bravery to be self-aware, take self-responsibility and be the hero on your own erotic quest of self discovery. Far from detracting from the experience, being conscious in BDSM play only makes it more potent and can in fact allow the space to be even dirtier… darker… more intense… By the same token, playing harder and more extreme is not always the point. Playing consciously with kink can make something very simple become profound.

Erotic Shadow…

The path of Conscious Kink, includes the notion that to be whole, we need to own our erotic shadow.

“Shadow” is a concept made popular by Carl Jung and refers to aspects of ourselves that drive us emotionally and psychologically but live in our unconscious minds and bodies where we are unaware of it in our day to day living.

In order to learn how to be socialised into any given culture, we need to emphasise certain human qualities and suppress others. This socialisation process means some things about us get relegated to the unconscious part of us. We are not aware of them yet they shape our actions. desires and responses. Shadow is not inherently bad or wrong but as it is unconscious and can come out in destructive ways that negatively impact on ourselves and our relationships. A very simplistic summary is that the erotic aspect of our shadow is the sexual aspect of us that is unowned, suppressed and unexplored. We do this by actively engaging this aspect of us through erotic play or ritual.

“Our English word ‘fantasy’ derives from the Greek word ‘Phantasia’. The original meaning if this word is instructive: It meant “a making-visible”. It derived from a verb that means “to make visible, to reveal”. The correlation is clear: The psychological function of our capacity for fantasy is to make visible the otherwise invisible dynamics of the unconscious psyche.” - Robert A Johnson

Engaging Erotic Shadow through Rituals…

These aspects of us often come out in forbidden fantasies that we feel shame about but also fuel our hottest desires. Our fantasies speak the language of dreams and our dreams are the language of our unconscious minds leaking through to the conscious. They are clues to what is happening in our unconscious… cookie crumbs leading to hidden treasure… There is much of value to be learned by intentionally engaging these images and desires and by creating spaces where we can embody them and live them out. This can not only be extremely hot, but can also be quite an astonishing journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

What better way to do this than to take the time to create erotic rituals or play sessions? Ritual is the act of very intentionally and mindfully engaging with an act or aspect of ourselves. Rituals are consensually negotiated and have a clear intention, beginning, middle and end that allow us to take on aspects of ourselves we normally do not engage in everyday life.

A ritual can be simple or elaborate. It can be spiritual or not. It all depends on your mindful intention… Your conscious choice…

Ritual creates space for us to dive right into an experience and come out the other side, not only safe, but having experienced something of value. Perhaps even changing ourselves for the better. The container of a ritual or ritualised play session holds the space for us to feel safe enough to let go… free fall… it allows us to drop more deeply into the moment to explore the risk… the dark… the mystery… the pleasure… the joy and confrontation of play…

While kink is not inherently all “shadow” any more than so-called “non kinky” eroticism is all shadow, there certainly are rich opportunities to explore and own our erotic shadow through kink play. Part of the path of Conscious kink is to foster the tools, self-awareness, self-care and care for each other to explore this possibility in a holistic way.

In Summary…

Conscious Kink is the art of exploring our BDSM and sexual proclivities with conscious intention of good will to ourselves and each other. It is allowing ourselves to enter into both the socially acceptable and politically incorrect feelings, desires and sexual imaginings in a way that is conscious, consensual and aims to have a positive overall effect for all involved. It is about being conscious of how Kink play affects mind, body, soul, heart. It is about having an awareness and intention in how we engage that.

It also recognises the inherent risk that all sexual exploration carries and attempts to harness the pleasure of that while minimising any potential harm. It is about finding balance between safety and risk. Conscious Kink is also the art of learning about embodied states of consciousness and the skills to drop deeper into each experience with presence and mindfulness, amplifying and enriching our experience. Sexual internal martial arts if you like… a journey of pleasure, play, mystery, transformation and discovery. Why? Because it both enhances the immediate experience of play and ripples out to deeper connections with ourselves, our loved ones and existence itself. And, you know what? It’s fun.

~Artemisia de Vine

I’ve not written anything fun in quite some time, so figured it time to share again. Hope you enjoy 😊:

‘Bend over,’ He says.

‘Straighten your back. Stick your ass out.’

‘Mmmm, yes… just like that.’

‘Your ass looks great like this.’

A little wiggle, happiness at His praise, spills out of my body.

‘Stay still!’ He says firmly.

I do. Immediately feeling that familiar tingle at the sternness in His voice.

I stay there, listening intently, awaiting further instruction. It doesn’t come. He simply goes back to what He was doing.

So I settle in and concentrate on maintaining this posture. Every posture seems easy at first. Until it has to be held. But I know this one well. It is my caning stance.
So many thoughts try to race through my mind, wondering where this is going, images pushing for a chance to have centre stage. I slow everything down and simply wait. Waiting is what I do best. That delicious elixir of anticipation, working its way through my body.

As always, I don’t need to reach between my legs to know what’s happening there. But I do like to. That delight in finding the ways in which my body displays its ripeness are always like opening that first birthday present.

But I don’t move.

Instead I listen.

He’s gaming. There’s something so disturbingly satisfying in being put on display and then ignored for something so mundane. He certainly knows how to push all my buttons. Sometimes I wonder if He actually knows how well He targets them, or if it’s simply dumb luck. I kind of like not knowing. Is He conscious of the power He has over my body?

Suddenly I realise He’s behind me. He pushes Himself against me, and then steps back and runs His hands over my ass cheeks.

Mmmm those hands.

I try not to melt like goo under His touch. It takes all my concentration to stay still as His hands explore. Around, up, down, between my thighs. Careful to never give me what I want. What I crave.

He pushes against me again, grabbing my hips. That tease! I’m aching to feel Him inside me… and He knows it.

‘Mmmmm, good girl,’ He says with a growl. Oh, that growl. Gets me every time. The low simmering of desire, combined with that controlled need and urgency. It always ignites the primal urge in me. Wanting Him to claim what’s His, and drive Himself into me without thought.

I soften back into Him. Silently pleading. “Please, Sir. Please enter me. Please fuck my brains to oblivion.” But I say nothing. My body speaking for itself. Internally I say a little prayer that it’s speaking loud enough!

He pulls His cock out and rubs it over my ass, before guiding Himself into me. Hallelujah. (He has been known to end more than one session right there and then, leaving me wanting and needy. So I never know how much He will give me). My body gratefully leans back into Him, trying to savour every thrust, encouraging Him deeper and deeper.

Grabbing my hair, and without stopping, He directs me towards the kitchen bench where He pushes me forward over it and wraps Himself around me. Pounding.
Splayed over the bench, my hands reach out for traction, as my breasts dance around against the countertop at just the right angle for my nipples to lightly graze with each movement. Mmmm, the delicious feeling spreads through my whole body as I try to maintain my foothold.

He releases my hair and orders me to turn around, drop to my knees, and suck my juices from Him. I do, immediately. Again, that internal jolt of pleasure at how well He finds my buttons. I suck and lick with fervour, lost into the moment. His delicious cock the centre of the universe.

But He’s not done. Grabbing my hair again, He pulls me to my feet, bends me over the countertop again, and begins preparing to enter my ass. I reach around and spread myself wide, helping, filled with excitement. That first moment of entry is unlike anything. I almost purrrrrrr.

‘Get on your knees,’ He orders. I do. Face up, mouth open, tongue out. Just as He likes. His groans as hot cum spurts onto my face and tongue, bring a deep satisfaction. I watch and listen and taste and drip. An uncontrollable smile beginning to form at the edges of my mouth.

He looks down at me as I gaze adoringly up at Him. A gentle finger traces down the side of my face as He whispers, ‘Good girl. Now clean me up.’

Back when tiger’s smoked (my new favourite term for “once upon a time”… yes, it’s actually a legitimate saying lol), there was a phrase I came across in a book.

‘Kina palirra.’

In the culture of this particular Aboriginal community (“tribe”), the term ‘I love you’ is seen to be possessive and is therefore not used. Instead, kina palirra is used. It translates roughly as,

‘You are here. That is enough.’

From the moment I read these words, my heart said, ‘yes! this is truth.’ This is the type of expression of “love” that feels right for me.

When I got married, it was my intention to get those words tattooed on my hand… the hand that would hold his hand throughout our life together. However, it never happened. I was told the hand can’t be tattooed, and then over time couldn’t decide where else I wanted to place it, so it became a distant thought.

After my marriage ended, the thought continued that someday I’d get it done to honour our marriage (he is a wonderful man and although our journey didn’t continue together, that part of my life will always be special to me).

But, it never happened.

When I met my ex-Sir, I began contemplating it again as a representation of U/us. However, again, it didn’t happen.

When things ended between us, my ex-Sir gave me some money for my birthday, to spend on treating myself. I was a bit lost on what to use it for because I’m not really one to “pamper” myself in ways that cost money lol. But the idea came to me, and with such a resounding ’Yes!’ I was finally going to get that damn tattoo!

But this time… for me.

It was such a mind blowing realisation and shift in perception. That tattoo has been meant for me all along… waiting patiently until I could accept for myself that I am here, and that is enough 😊

So, here it is (on my hand 😁):

Sometimes things have a funny way of coming into being. More and more I’m learning to simply let go and trust in the process. 

Happy New Year, everyone. 
May you too realise that you are here, and that is enough 💕 

😁🤪🙃💕