Hidden In Plain Sight

Back when tiger’s smoked (my new favourite term for “once upon a time”… yes, it’s actually a legitimate saying lol), there was a phrase I came across in a book.

‘Kina palirra.’

In the culture of this particular Aboriginal community (“tribe”), the term ‘I love you’ is seen to be possessive and is therefore not used. Instead, kina palirra is used. It translates roughly as,

‘You are here. That is enough.’

From the moment I read these words, my heart said, ‘yes! this is truth.’ This is the type of expression of “love” that feels right for me.

When I got married, it was my intention to get those words tattooed on my hand… the hand that would hold his hand throughout our life together. However, it never happened. I was told the hand can’t be tattooed, and then over time couldn’t decide where else I wanted to place it, so it became a distant thought.

After my marriage ended, the thought continued that someday I’d get it done to honour our marriage (he is a wonderful man and although our journey didn’t continue together, that part of my life will always be special to me).

But, it never happened.

When I met my ex-Sir, I began contemplating it again as a representation of U/us. However, again, it didn’t happen.

When things ended between us, my ex-Sir gave me some money for my birthday, to spend on treating myself. I was a bit lost on what to use it for because I’m not really one to “pamper” myself in ways that cost money lol. But the idea came to me, and with such a resounding ’Yes!’ I was finally going to get that damn tattoo!

But this time… for me.

It was such a mind blowing realisation and shift in perception. That tattoo has been meant for me all along… waiting patiently until I could accept for myself that I am here, and that is enough 😊

So, here it is (on my hand 😁):

Sometimes things have a funny way of coming into being. More and more I’m learning to simply let go and trust in the process. 

Happy New Year, everyone. 
May you too realise that you are here, and that is enough 💕 

😁🤪🙃💕

Rarely do I pass up a fun challenge. Thank you, Pure 😊

yes… I have a retro pink bathroom, and I love it! 😁

The rest? Well, that’s pretty self explanatory 💕 

I asked,

“Where do you see yourself,

a few years from now……”,

I feel like you can tell a lot about a person based on how they answer that question.

It’s telling.

“Hopefully, everywhere and nowhere.

I want to go as long as possible,

forever if I can,

feeling as if I have never truly arrived -

and be at complete peace with that.

I don’t need life’s little checkpoints to convince me that I am growing or progressing.

The memories I accumulate along the way

will do that for me.

I just want to live out loud,

as brightly as possible,

and create as much distance between myself

and whatever the world tells me I’m supposed to be.

The road is my own to travel,

and there is no predestination set,

there is no going back.

I’m realizing I was never meant to fall in line,

or follow the well-worn paths.

Really, when all is said and done,

I hope that I’m en route to everywhere I have

never been, feeling things I have never felt,

and doing things I was told I never would.

I intend to make liars out of a few,

and history with the others.”

J. Raymond

It’s easy to fuck.
What is hard is showing your weak, ugly self.
And what is even harder is sharing your most beautiful parts, and asking someone to hold them safe.

It’s easy to fuck.
What is hard is finding someone who makes you want to become brave, and risk taking off your armour.
And what is even harder is realising that they weren’t the right one, despite what your heart told you.

How can a heart be wrong?

It’s easy to fuck.
What is hard is learning to fight your battles without creating casualties of you both, trying to become a soft place for the other to land should they need.
And what is even harder is owning all your failures, including overlooking how unhappy they were.

How can we miss seeing the person closest to us?

It’s easy to fuck.
What is hard is picking up your pieces and moving on, trying to gather up everything as to not leave any traces.
And what is even harder is knowing that they’ll always have pieces of you, just another story added to the pile.

It’s easy to fuck.
What is hard is realising that no matter how much you hope, some people only have the capacity for easy.
And what is even harder is accepting that’s not you.

I’m such a conundrum.

A mixed bag of emotions and desires.

I want wildness, yet I crave the serene.

I want colorful explosions,

and I want to stay in bed all day.

I want my mind warped in all the right ways, yet I want to be sure of myself.

I want to run amuck,

making a complete mess of things,

and I also want to live a nice, tidy life.

I want to lay eyes on parts of the world

which make no sense to me,

but I also want a home that’s so warm

I never want to leave.

I want threadbare luggage

and a worn-out passport,

but I also want to drink coffee with the same group of friends at the same time and place each day.

I want adventure, but I want consistency.

I want the unfamiliar, and to form a routine.

I long for opposite sides of the spectrum, polarities, and feeling out of place.

But I also want to stop running for once

and enjoy the heavens already around me. There’s a part of me that will always be a junkie, in love with the adrenaline rush.

And there’s a part of my heart that only wants to rest and beat slowly.

I found happiness once I stopped trying to live somewhere in between

and tearing myself in two.

I am both things - a proud anomaly who gave wings to my hypocrisies, allowing even the misunderstood parts to be true.

J. Raymond

"Not In Between, But Both"

Poem from The Kindred Project: Vol. II

“I use love to gaslight myself,” I said.

“I’m such a fool.”

‘Of course,’ she said, placing her hands gently over her heart.

‘We all want love. And we have all learned to do whatever we need to do to find that love.’

‘Instead of rejecting that part of yourself, just hold her close and tell her “of course”.’

💕 We all need wise women in our lives. If you don’t have one just now… this share is for you 💕

I’m so angry right now. And I can’t shake it.

I’m angry for what was.

I’m angry for what won’t be.

I’m angry because I’m hurting.

I’m angry because a part of me still loves 
him.

I’m angry at that part of me for still loving him.

For even now, still hoping things might be different.

I’m angry at him for not being able to be what I needed.

I’m angry at myself for not being able to be what he needed.

I’m angry at both of us for breaking it.

For failing.

For giving up.

For not being able to fit together.

I’m angry at how easily he has moved on.

I’m angry at myself for not moving on easily.

I’m angry at my past.

I’m scared.

I feel so alone.

So broken.

I’m angry that I’m not where I want to be.

Impatient.

I’m angry that the world is so cruel.

That life is unfair.

I’m angry for still being childish enough to believe in fairness.

In right.

In goodness.

I’m angry at all the pain.

At our stupidity as humans.

I’m angry that we hurt each other.

I’m angry that we destroy everything special.

Innocence.

Beauty.

Connection.

Kindness.

I don’t want to carry this anger.

Because it is anger that disconnects us.

So I feel my anger. I accept it. I cry for my pain. I cry for what is.

And tomorrow will be a new day.

Most mornings I wake up with a song in my head. Kind of like a theme song for the day. This is my Sir’s favourite song. He introduced me to it, and it fast became my favourite song too. One thing we actually do share is very similar taste in music… I love the connection we formed around this. 
Our dynamic ended two days ago. I made peace with that yesterday. Waking up to this was a beautiful way to enter into today… my birthday.
The closing of a chapter, and beginning of a new one…

Put your dancing shoes on… it’s an oldie but a goodie (imo). Enjoy 😁:

This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)

Song by Talking Heads

Home, is where I want to be

Pick me up and turn me round

I feel numb, born with a weak heart

I guess I must be having fun

The less we say about it the better

Make it up as we go along

Feet on the ground

Head in the sky

It's ok I know nothing's wrong... nothing

Hi yo I got plenty of time

Hi yo you got light in your eyes

And you're standing here beside me

I love the passing of time

Never for money

Always for love

Cover up and say goodnight... say goodnight

...

Home, is where I want to be

But I guess I'm already there

I come home, she lifted up her wings

I guess that this must be the place

I can't tell one from another

Did I find you, or you find me?

There was a time before we were born

If someone asks, this is where I'll be where I'll be

Hi yo we drift in and out

Hi yo sing into my mouth

Out of all those kinds of people

You got a face with a view

I'm just an animal looking for a home

Share the same space for a minute or two

And you love me till my heart stops

Love me till I'm dead

Eyes that light up, eyes look through you

Cover up the blank spots

Hit me on the head ah ooh