Hidden In Plain Sight

Soubhiyè

That period of time in the morning when no one else is awake but you, and you can have some quiet time to yourself before the household is awake.

For me, it’s that moment of stillness before the world wakes up. A quiet pause just before the birds begin to stir. And then suddenly, everything comes to life. Pure magic. This is my favourite part of the day ? 

“Soubhiyé is the magical time of silence and solitude when you might be the only person in existence, a liminal space between dreaming and waking, the rest of the house still aslumber. Soubhiyé is an art. A time to gaze outside at the bowl of stars, savor the scald and smell of a good cup of coffee in your favorite mug.”

You think that by me saying I don’t want to be with you again, is a rejection of you. It’s not. It’s a rejection of how you’ve behaved towards me and our relationship.

The rejection, the belittlement, the shame in not being enough in your eyes- not smart enough, not sexy enough, not political enough, not passionate enough… never enough. The constant giving and withdrawal of your affection and love, as I watched you parade your devotion around in front of me with your dog, and your sexuality around in front of me with a steady stream of others. I hoped that if only I could hang in there long enough, be loyal enough, forgiving enough, accepting enough, be… enough… someday those things might come my way. 
The relentless lying.

All of that had consequences. I stopped trusting you. And eventually I stopped being in love with you.

I gave you the power of being responsible for an option. You couldn’t be responsible with it. And eventually I ran out of reasons as to why I should keep asking you to try. So I am merely removing that option from you. That’s all. Removing the pressure from both of us. We love each other much better this way, as we are now.

You will always have a big place in my heart, and if you so choose, my life. But I deserve much better treatment than what either of us have believed all this time. It’s time for me to start caring for myself, and that has to start with us. 

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

~Billy~ age 4

‘What you do makes a difference. You just have to decide what kind of difference you want to make’…

Superhero name: Atomic Boom ?

Superpower: Inner critic fairy. Sprinkling fairy dust of unconditional love onto the inner critic to silence it and bring ourselves back to that place of belief and hope in ourselves and others ? 

Something I used to say quite often was how much I hated drama. And yet, somehow I would always find myself involved in it. Fighting against… something… the world, people in it, life… whatever. I attracted people who loved it, and I couldn’t work out why. Of course, I blamed them.

Until one day I dug a little deeper.

I realised that I had (and still do to a lesser degree, because boy does it run deep) an addiction to drama. I didn’t necessarily want to be involved in it directly, but a part of me still thrived off the energy and conflict created. That part that was scared of being “boring” or being “bored” or what I see more clearly now… was terrified of the unknown. Peace.

I have not really had a life that has shown me what peace looks like. Internal peace. The kind that simply allows you to sit with yourself or others without a need for distraction. The kind that brings space to both inside and out without it feeling empty. The kind that allows room to just breathe. To simply be.

The more I find this space, and become used to it, interestingly, the less affected by “drama” I am. I observe, and allow those who still find a thrill from it to go about their way. To a much lesser degree do I feel a need to have an opinion or make a judgement, nor become involved. I simply accept with understanding.

So, why this writing?

Today I decided to share. Obviously the recent turmoil here has brought these thoughts to the surface. I like to be able to reflect on where I once was, and where I am now. And to share that for others who may relate. I guess in a way it becomes painful to watch others with the same struggles I’ve known so intimately. Perhaps it’s a breadcrumb. A suggestion that it doesn’t have to be a way of life, getting stuck there. There can be a way out, a way forward.

However, for someone like me, I realised not too long ago, that can be a terrifying thought too. It truly is an unknown to try to imagine a life that *feels nourishing*. Even though I’ve always believed it’s what I want, looking back I can see I’ve always stuck with what felt familiar. Always dragging along that little safety net of chaos. Strange, I know.

I’m currently in the process of picking up all the balls I’ve dropped during the last few months of stress and struggle. Unfortunately when life hits hard, I tend to drop things one by one as the overwhelm builds… and although logically I know it makes things worse, usually the first to go is self-care. And then I have to wait. Wait until I can find the space to pick just that one ball back up again… because that’s the big one. That’s the central one from which everything else falls into place. Although it’s still super tough, I try to no longer berate myself for not coping. I try to give myself grace. I try to allow those who love me, to share their words of support, and tuck them into my heart. I try to remember each baby step to the way back because I now understand I don’t have to stay there. I have the tools. I know how to find that peace again, because once you know it you can’t unknow it. And I remind myself that the chaos I’m feeling, and reacting to, is actually inside.

Today is the first day…

May you find your journey to inner peace also. Sending lots of love to those who need it ?

Sometimes it’s difficult to remember when we’re right in the middle of the shitstorms that life throws at us at times, that “this too shall pass.”

Finally, beginning to come out the other side, I can stop and take a moment to just… breathe. 

Seeing that a few people are going through their own shitstorms at the moment, now that I can, I just wanted to send some love…

? 

Hard Sun 

(lyrics by Eddie Vedder)

When I walk beside her, I am the better man
When I look to leave her, I always stagger back again
Once I built an ivory tower, so I could worship from above
When I climbed down to be set free, she took me in again
There's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
When she comes to greet me she is mercy at my feet
And when I see her bitter charm, she just throws it back at me
Once I dug an early grave to find a better land
She just smiled and laughed at me, and took her blues back again
There's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
Oh, there's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
When I go to cross that river, she is comfort by my side
When I try to understand, she just opens up her hands
There's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
Once I stood to lose her when I saw what I had done
Bowed down and threw away the hours of her garden and her sun
So I tried to warn her, I turned to see her weep
40 days and 40 nights, and it's still coming down on me
There's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In a big hard world
Oh, there's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
Oh, there's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
Oh, there's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
There's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
Oh, there's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
There's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
There's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world
There's a big, a big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world

This movie (Into the Wild), but especially this song, hits my vagabond (I call myself more of a “stray”) bones (vagabones? ?), deeply. Every time I listen to it, I want to hit the road… because it stirs such a deep feeling of freedom, and sense of belonging to something so much bigger than myself.

Acceptance can open new and unexpected doorways. As someone who tends to bleed all over the pages, I doubt it’s any secret that my relationship ended not too long ago.

It’s been messy.

Not in a malicious way. But in a human way.

We still love each other very much. And we just kept having moments of wanting to try again and again and again. But we kept coming to the same place. The same insurmountable place of realising we’re simply in very different places… or not compatible… or, whatever. The obvious fact is, we just don’t work together. It has been mostly me that has struggled with the acceptance of this. He’s much more pragmatic with matters of the heart.

Having said that, in a weird way we do fit. We are a team. A family. A mishmash of misfits that have ended up together (he, myself, and our furry human that would be absolutely mortified to learn she’s actually a dog ?lol).

The most recent time of “wanting to try again,” I gently reminded him of where we would end up again within a few weeks. I explained that although I love him and will support him and be by his side, it cannot be as “his.” I needed to close that door and stop waiting to be enough. We are so much better together with a little distance between us.

But…

I relented a few days later and said I wanted to try again too. To which he then reminded me. Lol.

Messy.

Pondering the situation, I finally found acceptance. And a beautiful realisation.

He is my best friend. And he’s a *great* best friend. And I am a *great* best friend to him.

We soothe each other’s souls with some kind of mutual understanding I’ve not encountered before. Perhaps because our wounds are so similar. Which too could explain our struggles when we’re too close.

With that little bit of distance we can relax and feel safe and appreciate the other for who we truly are. Without fear.

The struggle I’ve had is in recognising the behaviours I carry that contributed towards our undoing. I kept thinking that if only I could just “fix” myself fast enough we’d be ok. That’s no way to live. And that’s no way to love. And that’s certainly no way to feel safely loved.

And, it’s simply not true.

There is no time schedule. Nor should there be pressure to have one. That was just my stubbornness and denial.

After a wonderful conversation with my sister recently, I decided to make a pact with myself. She said I’m much better in relationships than I am out of them. I thrive in a relationship, yet when on my own, I kind of become dormant. Like I’m simply waiting. The truth of this hit hard. I’ve actually never before felt so seen. And to be honest, as much as a part of me loved that. A part of me also, didn’t.

I’m not the type of person who has ever just wanted to focus on my strengths. Rather, I prefer to find my weaknesses and strengthen them. I don’t know why. And it has made for a life of not really experiencing many moments that don’t involve struggle. The drive for wholeness is stronger than the need for comfort I guess.

So… the pact. No focus on any potential for a relationship for at least a year. I want to spend time alone. Truly alone. No “back-up plan.” No online. Nothing. Just me. Friends, of course. Friends, with no agenda.

The first thing I felt?

Fear, of course. Then, strangely, relief.

I had no idea how much I had begun somewhere along the lines of placing my value and worth on whether or not someone else wanted me. Yikes. Which of course was adding to my already diminishing self-esteem that I had left behind somewhere in my thirties.

It has been suggested I’ve been punishing myself. I think there’s an element of truth to that. I also think there’s a lot more. But it doesn’t matter anymore.

New journey. New path. New adventure.

I asked my sister to hold me accountable. So the next time I run to her gushing about some guy (because of course I will!), I’ve asked her to remind me of my promise to myself.

‘What if you meet the one?!’ First question everyone asks. Also the first question I asked myself (aren’t we just such beautifully hopeless romantics? ?).

‘Well, if I meet the one… they’ll understand,’ I said to both myself and others.

I understand so much better now how time means very little more than the emphasis we place on it. I am happy. I can be happy alone. My value, when I meet another, won’t come from having them in my life. But it will be wonderful to want to, and know I can, share it with them in a way that doesn’t come from a place of thinking that it does.

Lounging like a lizard, legs…

Something slightly more exotic, legs…

‘I wanted so very desperately to please you,’ she said.

‘And I tried so humiliatingly hard.’

‘But it was never enough.’ ‘I could never be enough.’

‘So I gave up.’

‘We can’t have a D/s relationship… but I still need a Master.’

‘Without a Sun to revolve around, I am lost.’

‘You want me in your life. You want something from me. Something I have never figured out because it seems you like so little about me. Except my heart and my loyalty. And perhaps the fact I was willing to give it to you so freely, with such little in exchange.’

‘You’ve made me strong.’

‘You’ve made me realise I can walk through this world alone.’

‘But you’ve also made me realise that I don’t want to be with someone who teaches me I can walk alone.’

‘I want to be with someone who teaches me I don’t have to.’