My Journey Into Me

Eveyone faces it at some point, whether it be physical or mental. Physical exhaustion after a day full of cleaning, moving things around, and cooking 3-4 times. For me that's daily. I love it when I lay down and sleep claims me at the end of the day. I'm tired and my brain let's me sleep. Mental though... oy vey. Mental exhaustion is something that you may not deal with on a daily basis. I find it happening after dealing with difficult people or situations. Things that stress me out to the point of madness. It's at that point when my sleep disappears. My body may be tired, but my mind. It's exhausted to the point of paranoia. I can't sleep and if I do I wake up looking at my surroundings. Defense mechanisms are hard to break. 

Something that is so common, but something I have never had anyone talk to me about. It can be so debilitating  to the point of no recovery. So for those of you who deal with this on a regular basis... I may not know how it feels for you personally, but please know you're not alone. 

I hope y'all are ok, and thriving in the middle of all this craziness. Stay safe y'all! 😁

No joke, I have a ton of questions. The main one, why in the hell do people who think that they're important in your life believe they have a say in your decisions? Like bitch please, I have no time for your nonsense move along. Does it work? Nope. Should it? Yes. 😑

I have noticed people around me who I feel close to being genuinely happy that I'm happy. People going out of their way to compliment my new hair cut (still grinning too) and then sticking around to have a conversation with me. Hell they're even seeking me out. But you know yin and yang. The good comes with the bad. Just my luck I had some. They made me feel awful simply because I am happy and they feel threatened. It hurt. I dont care if my hair makes people think I'm a boy. Who cares?! But why is it that they feel like they need to point out every single flaw?! I know I'm overweight. I can see it, I can feel it, it's not exactly something I can ignore. I know my clothes are in tatters. It's not like I can afford to get new clothes when I'm paying for everyone else's crap. I live within my means, if that means putting off getting new clothes until after my car is fixed, then so be it.

I got off track a bit. I genuinely want to know why people who are not who I feel are important, feel like they have the right to inform me the choices I should have made, instead of understanding that I make my own choices.

There's my rant for today. 😁 You guys are awesome, I'm definitely looking into body butter, and I 💙 the smell of coconut. I have used the body wash from bath and body works. I'll have to look into their stuff again! 

Have a good day guys! Stay safe and I hope y'all had a good weekend.

Oh boy this one is a fun one. 😁

Self-Care is both Step 2 and 3. Taking care of my body and mind is going to be separated. 

So step 2 is my body. Self care is something I have ALWAYS been a little off about. For instance my hair is brittle and my skin is dull. I'm using argan oil for my hair, which is making it SO soft, and I alternate between using my mix (aloe vera and witch hazel mix) and vitamin E oil. It's definitely a work on progress. The fun part (note my sarcasm) is finding what works with my skin, and what doesn't. 

What I've learned? Oh that's quite a bit. I'm sensitive to smell. Like not just any smell, if there is a chemical smell to what I'm using.... I get sick. Like sick to my stomach. Which I'm not entirely sure if that's just me or if that's something other people deal with. So I've been very careful regarding that. I've also learned my skin will let me know if I use something it doesn't like. For instance I have a clay mask I use whenever i have a huge problem with dry skin... yeah, no more of that. I looked like I had a sunburn, like cooked lobster sun burn. It's definitely an interesting experience. My biggest thing is time. I don't want to spend 3 hours everyday doing a self care routine... I am NOT that patient. With other people? Yes, with myself? Hell no. So if I can do self care at night when I'm done with the day, and the some in the morning. I'm a happy person. If I have to do three hours in both settings... no. Just no.

I'm interested in tips from y'all. Like seriously, what do y'all use? What do you recommend to use? I'm not kidding either. I am sitting here looking at all the options and I'm lost. I'm always open to advice about things I have no clue about. 

I hope y'all are having an amazing weekend. Staff safe guys. Bye! 💙

I did it. I took the first step. I changed one of the things that I abso-fucking-lutely hated! I cut my hair. I cut off almost a foot of hair. It weighed about half a pound. Good Lord it feels amazing. No more headaches, no more sore neck. My head feels light, my neck feels loose, and my back oh my word. If I had known the headaches would stop when I started considering this 2 months ago I wouldn't have waited this long. It's amazing! Yeah I'm rambling, but I'm happy. Slowly bit surely I am making my way, and if people don't like it... well ok. I can't change the way people think. But I can change the people in my life. I can change my outlook. Have an amazing night guys, one day at a time! Stay safe!

Over the past few months I have been giving things a lot of consideration. Especially when it involves me. I find myself looking through the past few years and noticing that I've changed and not in a good way. I went from being the sweet and carefree me to being a sarcastic and blunt bitch. I know what I am, why not admit it. I hate it, I miss the old me. The one who had her heart on her sleeve, even though it hurts like hell when people hurt it. The one who smiled even when the world around wasn't giving me anything to smile about. I miss the headstrong woman who wasn't afraid to say what she thought and to hell with the consequences. That was me. In a nutshell I was the woman who cared for others, even when the world gave me every reason not to. I was the woman who smiled no matter how bleak the days were, simply because if I didn't who would? I was the woman with a mind of her own who was never afraid to be herself, no matter how hard she was hit, or how much she was yelled at. I miss that me, and I'm tired of being someone I am not. I am tired of being this angry person, who is constantly waiting for something else to go wrong. I am done being the version that the world wants me to be. Is it going to be easy? Hell no. But it'll be worth it and so much more. One step at a time. I will be the me I want to be, not the me that the world is determined to make me. Have a good day y'all! I know I am. Stay safe!

It's crazy to me how quickly time flies. A lot has happened since the last time I updated. For starters, I had a job literally handed to me simply because I knew what I was and currently am doing. I'm back to working as a home health aide, the pay has improved, the hours are amazing, and above all the client is on the most happy go lucky people I have ever met. He always brings a smile to my face. Oh, and did I mention I walk to work? I do. Two apartments away from mine is where I work. It's amazing!

Not so amazing news... J's shoulder is STILL not healed. We go back this next week to see if it's made any progress other than bridging the break. I'm hoping for some good news. The logical pessimistic side is telling me that based off of the increased pain, the increased swelling, and just overall soreness in that specific area... probably hasn't healed much... Especially considering how my car won't start. My car, which is a giant pain in my rear, is the perfect height for J to get into comfortably while his shoulder is still healing, and the rest of his body adjusting to everything else he's been through. However, since I have no idea what's wrong with it, and am currently waiting on getting paid to get it checked out. So we've been relying on his dad, who drives a truck that you have to step up into. Which is hard for J because he has to use his left shoulder to get in. ...So there is a slight possibility that he has injured it further since the last orthopedic visit.

For those who are curious about the car. Here ya go: I have checked the battery, the starter. the fuses, the grounding wire (apparently a problem with that make and model), the sparkplugs. Nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. It makes absolutely no noise when you turn the key in the ignition. I hate it. Not trying to complain, but I miss my old car. I knew what was wrong with it. This thing... not so much. You put the key in the ignition and turn it, no noise. No thumping, or attempted starts. NADA. So I wait to take it to a mechanic who is going to charge me $100 just to tell me what's wrong with it. Hence the reason I'm waiting to get paid. Oy vey. (MidnightKoneko you're starting to rub off on me :P)

How's everyone been holding up during these crazy times? Hopefully y'all have been staying in and wearing MASKS when you're required to. I live in an area where we are REQUIRED to wear them inside all businesses. It bugs me when I'm doing my part to not get it or spread it and I see people get mad because they're being told that they need to wear a mask and they cause a huge fuss. There's my rant on that.

It's amazing how different things make different emotions spring to life, something I'm still attempting to understand. Not going to lie, it's annoying not understanding what some of the things I'm feeling are. Let alone admitting I feel anything. I'm getting there. I've been listening to a song called Older by Sasha Sloan. Moving through memories has been interesting. I reached a really big part recently. I allowed myself to remember everything on that night. I know no longer blame myself. I know what happened. Some days my demons try to grab me and drag me down. I've learned to embrace them and remember that at the end of the day it's not my fault. I hope somewhere, somehow. My journey helps someone in some way. Whether it's knowing that they aren't alone. Or even just learning from my experiences. I hope it helps.

Older by Sasha Sloan-

"I used to shut my door,

while my mother screamed in the kitchen.

I'd turn the music up,

get high and try not to listen.

To every little fight,

Cause neither one was right.

I swore I'd never be like them,

but I was just a kid back then.

The older I get,

the more that I see.

My parents aren't heroes,

they're just like me.

Lovin' is hard,

it don't always work.

You just try your best,

not to get hurt.

I used to be mad,

but now I know.

Sometimes it's better,

to let someone go.

It just hadn't hit me yet,

The older I get..."

Have a great week guys. Stay safe, sane, but most importantly be yourself. Don't change who you are for anyone. Remember the values you have and remember why you have them. Don't lose sight of who you are, because at the end of the day. Being yourself brings you so much happiness compared to the suffering you put yourself through when you're not. Bye! 😁

This quarantine thing will be the death of me, I am bored out of my mind. Yet, it may also be a good thing. It's made it so that I no longer have the public me, the polite me who will not say anything about being walked all over. Yeah she doesn't exist anymore. This entire experience had shown me so much about myself. Not all good either, there are some things that I have learned about myself that I absolutely hate. For instance, I shut down at the slightest confrontation. GRRRR! I don't like confrontation to begin with, but developing the self-preservation to just shut down?! Nope, just no.

I refuse to allow others to have that power over me. So I'm changing that, simply by allowing myself to feel the emotions that I have shut myself off from. How? The one way I would have never thought of (MidnightKoneko is the one who deserves ALL of the credit for this). Meditation. It's not easy either, allowing myself to feel the emotions AND focus?! Pffft, yeah it's a journey. I've got a routine though. If I feel overwhelmed by ANY emotion, I meditate. I only do it for 10 minutes, I have a sound playlist that helps me focus, and I have this candle that I focus on mentally. Go figure, the pyromaniac focuses better on fire. 🙄 Once I get set up, I do these steps:

• Completely focus on the candle, shut off everything else.
• Determine what emotion I'm feeling. What am I feeling?
• Identify why I'm feeling that emotion. What caused it?
• Allow myself to feel it, don't shut it off.
• Acknowledge that I am allowed to feel the way I do about whatever.
• Release the emotion, allowing myself to go back to the centered and calm place.

That's it. I've been doing this for a few day now, and it's gotten so that I don't even think about needing to do it. If I'm overwhelmed I'm instantly stopping whatever it is I'm doing and I'm headed off to meditate. My mind knows what it needs and I feel SO much better afterwards. It's kinda invigorating. It can also be exhausting depending on what emotion I'm dealing with.

What else am I doing? I'm painting. I haven't painted in months, and I'm just enjoying the relaxation I get from "artistically" spreading paint on a canvas. Sometimes it makes no sense. Like none. Other times it looks amazing. Case in point:

I'm also getting back into music. Granted, I've always listened to it, but I'm making it again. 😁 Happy Dance.

The one thing that I've been doing though that has probably been the most stressful. Everyone has had or still has friends that aren't the most... supportive, or they're constantly asking for something (money mostly). I'm evaluating the few friendships I have and I'm determining what I feel. I've learned that a lot of the people that I considered to be "friends" don't feel the same way, so I've been cleansing so to speak. I let things sit as they are, unless the are CONSTANTLY asking me for money, then I let them know that I will no longer be pushing myself to maintain a friendship that takes advantage of me. It's hard, and I'm not complaining about it. I'm simply stating it's hard. I feel better knowing who my true friends are, and I've made new ones as well. I guess being honest with yourself because you've got nothing better to do isn't a bad thing.

I hope y'all have an amazing weekend, and stay safe out there guys.

Thank you to all of the essential workers out there too. These are scary times, and y'all are truly heroes.

I'm scared to death ,
You'll leave me after,
You figure out that I can't be helped, 
That there's more wrong with me than you know.

Yet I crave your touch,
I need your words,
I need you now more than ever,
Nobody's ever gotten this close before.

I'm scared to death,
To let you in,
I need you close,
Yet I'm caving in,
And my minds a mess.

I'm scared to death, 
I've been hurt before, 
These scars I bear,
Attest to that.

These walls I have, 
They're on the ground at your feet,
While my heart,
Is before you completely bare.

The memories are swirling around in my head,
My demons are circling me they want me dead,
My darkness is making it so hard to breathe, 
I beg of you please don't leave.

You're the light to my dark,
The one my soul craves,
My ears listen for your voice,
You're the one for which I was made.

My Luna, 
My one,
The moon that I gaze at,
Thank you for being there for me.

My mind it wants me to say things I'm not ready to say,
My soul wants me to make that leap of faith,
My minds is screaming at me to say three words,
My soul it begs me to tell you how I feel,
While my heart it hurts.

My heart has been hurt before, 
That's the reason for those walls that were so tall,
Those same walls that came crashing down when you came into my life,
It's scared to let you know it's thoughts,
Because it doesn't want to be hurt again.

So here I sit, 
My heart in my hands,
As I try to make sense,
Of all of this mess inside my mind.

My love it's yours,
I love you my Luna,
I always have,
And I always will.

1. Honesty is required at all times. I would rather the blunt and painful truth versus being lied to "to spare my feelings."
2. You are not in charge of your pleasure or your orgasms. I am, if you want to touch yourself or orgasm, you must ask.
3. You will be respectful at all times (unless a situation calls for it otherwise of course).
4. If you want/need something TELL ME. I absolutely hate having to guess. There are times when I do not pick up on "cues". So for the sake of both my sanity and yours, tell me.
5. I expect daily check-ins. I understand that life can make things hectic, but I need to know that you are okay.
6. Communication is key. If something is bothering you, tell me.
7. I want to be apart of your daily life, which means yes, I have a say in what you wear. Not to constrict you in any way, but to make you feel even more safe and loved.
8. Never apologize for something that you did not do. EVER. This is coming from somebody who has spent the first 20 years of her life apologizing for stuff that she didn't do, and as a direct result I will never expect you to apologize for something you did not do.
9. You will not remove your collar without telling me, taking it off to shower is understandable, otherwise tell me.
10. No one else may touch what is mine. I don't like sharing. 😈

Someone who I see as a friend recently pointed out that I am a nurturer. Which left me speechless. Throughout my entire life, I have only heard degrading and insulting names directed at me. If I heard a compliment, later it would be pointed out that the person who said that had no idea what they were talking about and that I was ____ (fill in the blank). So learning how to accept these new words and understand them is something that I am struggling with. I want to believe it, but it has been ingrained into my very being that I am not these things. So as a matter of attempting to get past this barrier in front of me, I'm sharing it. I cannot be the only person who deals with this, so I want to help others and at the same time help myself by expressing this. So here goes, one by one every degrading and insulting thing I see myself as is going to be vanquished.

• Worthless- I am worth more than I realize. My worth is not defined by what others see in me.
• Stupid- Just because I called you out on your shit, does not make me stupid. I am a smart woman who has the potential to do so many things.
• Emotionless- Just because my walls are high and my circle is small does not make me emotionless. My emotions are hidden from the world, simply because I am tired of being manipulated and hurt.
• Insignificant- I am loved and cherished by many, more than I am even aware of. Just because you see me as such, does not make it true.
• Coward- I am NOT afraid to stand up for what I believe in, if anything my silence is not an example of cowardliness it is in fact an example of patience. If I've managed to keep my mouth shut there is a reason. I hate conflict. I detest it so much, it is the root of many scars I carry and I try and avoid it like the plague.
• Failure- Just because my life didn't go the way you thought it should, or I made choices you disagree with. Does not make me a failure in ANY way.
• Weak- I am not weak. I may take the abuse, but I do it to protect the ones who need protected. I'll take the hit (physical or mental) if it means that my loved ones are safe. However, that does not make me weak, I am the furthest thing from weak.

These are only a few of the ones that I've heard throughout my life. There may be another part to this one eventually, but for now I need to stop.

I hope everyone is having a great day, and that y'all stay safe as well. Til' next time! 😎