Slave Space

It gets so exhausting 

Once you learn the deeper levels trying to just have conversations with others is almost impossible. 

My Master does fill my needs but im speaking of friends that are not vanilla and just people that can relate to what i know and understand . 

I am allowed to be here and in places where I can message or have conversations. No use etc but just conversations with whomever i choose . But what I have found over the years is that is almost impossible. 

There are so many players but i know their games. I know how to protect myself especially my mind. Sometimes i want to tell them what i know but I learned not to do that. its better to just not even let them know what i am thinking or feeling. I see through their masks and Know their games , their lines and I do just want to scream at them that if they would just attempt to learn some real skills in the mental aspects they would have so much more fulfillment. 

I am also an older soul and mildly autistic. I am energy aware. I dont have to prove it . I just know. I know who I am. If someone actually wanted to be real friends they would just know by spending time with me even just in conversation. 

But the world has shifted shifted more towards the spiritual dark and most people only what fast self gratification they dont want to walk in the light at all. 

I know we all need balance. 

Yes it gets so exhausting. 

I remember early memories of me actually topping myself in my own mind. It was not just sexual . The thoughts were just there even though I lived in a small rural town in Kansas. I was never exposed to any alternative lifestyle . Maybe I have been dominated before in another life. I'm a very strong being but, I had this need to be owned by someone.

I actually asked some of my boyfriends to talk to other girls and flirt with them in front of me because it gave me a feeling of submitting to the scenario. I felt like If I watched patiently and stayed quiet I was a good girl even though it made me jealous.

I had thoughts of being restrained and looked after and told what to do. I thought of someone being in charge of me . I felt like that bond and connection would be so deep that I would know when the person was around even if I could not physically see them. I would know if they came into a building that I was in even if they were on the other side . I could feel them and sense them. The thoughts had a lot of masochism. I would give myself pain to satisfy the needs. I would hear in my mind what they would be saying to me, how they would talk to me to comfort me and tell me that I was good. They would tell me they knew I could take it for them . That's how it all started......

I tried to live in vanilla relationships. I dont know why i didnt actually seek out the lifestyle but I just accepted my life how it was and kept trying. Of course I never fit in.
In 2009 I was on my second marriage when I watched a show about swingers. I convinced my husband to start going to parties. Even though I know that swinging is not bdsm . I just knew that the show allured me because it was not something normal people did. One of the swingers parties led me to speaking to a couple that lived bdsm. They invited me to a local party. I dragged my husband along . I seen a demonstration of a Master and slave and she was strapped to the table ...i had to be held back because I wanted it to be me.
Fast forward to now. That marriage ended long ago and I did start getting some experience in the lifestyle. I need it on a very deep spiritual level. Its from what I can tell is older school ways. I have met someone that I feel is my true Master and Mate. Everything He is is how I always knew it would be. There are certain things that are not ordinary even for bdsm that were in my thoughts .My Master has always carried out in actions and thoughts and words the scenarios that were exactly in my mind.

People often overlook that deep bdsm is carried over into every part of life. He is always there in my mind. We have had a lot of bumps along the journey but from the very first conversations , if I go back to them and feel them even if he is not talking to me , all of me reacts, including my energy and soul and spirit.

May 25 ,2021

Time for a rewrite.

The part that needs to be listed at the time is something that has bothered me a great deal over that years... that is vanilla people that do not get what real bdsm is. Also that is some kind of abuse , of course it can be just as in any type of relationship. But people can also be a slave and masochist to someone with no abuse at all. Its not any different than someone that lets her mate shoot arrows at her in a performance. Its a deep trust and bond , love, honesty and communication type of relationship but deeper than any vanilla relationship can be . But we really cant expect vanilla people to get it ....
Master and I keep our profiles here but for the most part we are just living the lifestyle in private.
Its where we both are at at this time. Who knows what the future holds.
There was a time I had a need to write alot in public view in journals etc but for now that seems to rarely show up.
We also live the lifestyle on a more spiritual primal level than most people do. Its nice to converse as friends with people but for me its rare that i find people that i can really have a conversation with. Everyone is obsessed with followers or posting things to get followers. I myself used to be an attention whore but now that I have met my Master and Mate those needs dont seem to be there at least most of the time. I also am totally committed to Him . I am committed long term.
Over the years i have learned so many ways people can use me online so i try to keep my profile set in a way that its hard for people to do that.
I do have alot of experience and knowledge but i dont really share it for many reasons.
I have grown
I am still growing
I live with Mrmongoose in two different locations off and on.
I am easy to approach but my replies will match your tone.
I took my fetish list off because people can also attempt to use me or get into my mind that way. all that really need to know my fetishes is my Master.
The world goes darker but the light will never leave. We all need Balance. The universe is about balance.

We are interested in events bdsm
Pagan
Native American but right now our lives are extremely busy and we cant even catch a normal vacation.

I have lots I could say 

I over think and then just decide not to write alot. 

Over the years in BDSM I used to journal and blog all the time 

It's so amazing how as beings most of the time we keep growing and changing  in so many ways

I'm in a deep relationship . I was on other sites over the years and most are only about kink or sex..

For me that's just the surface ..I've learned much deeper so it's hard to converse about the lifestyle except with Master 

We are about depth and ritual and energy and mind and flesh and soul 

Yes kink and sex to but ours is a power exchange both with many Dynamics that we switch around in for needs to be fed and met.

It's not that talking to beginners is beneath me it's just it would take years to explain and many times words don't suffice.

Master has seen this site but hasn't joined yet. But i show him. 

I'm getting His permanent flesh mark soon . He's worked on it off and on for months ..it's almost pretty much permanent but soon it will definitely be. 

I was born to serve ..my soul is older .but I'm strong and Dominant to most people just not to Him. He's stronger in all ways and I worship. 

I guess some words finally fell out.:) 

I needed it was someone who would let me in.

I needed it with the right match and Master...

Someone that understood how I focus and how I am spiritually combined with the physical.

I needed someone that would not fault me for my triggers and instead join with me and conquering them.

All thoughts that have been there since childhood and grew... It's like He was reading my mind.... But it was because I was His already.

Then connection without words because we both know.

How O/our energy flows... encompassing... peace... warmth..current

When needs fit and  bodies fit and everything  fits it's not of this world.

Words are useless

So we lay and breathe and feel, touch, join power exchanging and  our minds know...

There are no words in creation that can be spoken...

However sometimes we do speak our own language where did that seem gibberish but we both understand.