Feileacan

This morning I tried to stand up and it felt like there was a knife in my abdomen. Doubled over, I dragged myself into the bathroom and started the tub. My arms felt like white noise and my hands were almost completely numb. My head was spinning and I could barely catch my breath. Why does this happen to me? Why is my body so severely affected by stress? My husband came home and found me floating in the water. He had to help me to my feet because my stomach hurt so badly. I stumbled and fell on to the bed shaking and crying. He covered me with a towel and made a phone call to let his employer know he needed the day off. The effects of someone trying relentlessly to destroy your life is taxing beyond all measure. What grave sin did I commit to have been given this cross to bear? What is the purpose of this demon in my life? Why won't he ever stop? I ask myself these questions more than I'd like to, but he's always there. A monster in my shadow, fangs reflecting hellsfire, salivating at the idea of taking a piece of my life and ripping it into unidentifiable shreds. 

I just want it to stop. Why won't he ever stop? 

-Jo

I have someone who continuously wreaks absolute havoc in my life. I can never unwind. I am never safe. The emotional attacks infiltrate my life, penetrating into the intimacy of my family, infecting it from the inside out. I can't stop the constant abuse. There's no way for me to protect myself or my family against it, at least not for now. I can only endure, at the expense of my physical and emotional health. 

I feel trapped, like a tiger in a cage two sizes to small, suffocating and wild with madness. 

I hate this. 

All I crave is peace. Peace and protection from the pain which never seems to end. 

-Jo

It seems like the more submissive I become, the more distant my husband becomes. The more I take on, the less connected we are. I've suspected for awhile that he only knows how to love by showing remorse and he only feels love through reassurance, but I'm tired of living and loving that way. *sigh* I won't give up. I won't stop being submissive and caring and loving just because the other side feels empty. I won't let feeling alone rob me of the happiness I experience when I'm being true to myself. 

-Jo

I've got too much on my mind and a plate that is overflowing with responsibilities. I feel full to the brim. I can't relax or get out of my head, so I'm doing A LOT of cleaning. Agitation is the worst emotion because it's so difficult to satiate. 😔

-Jo

There’s something about the way a man looks at a woman when he wants her. The way his eyes deepen and darken. The way his breathing intensifies and his body instinctively shifts into a predatorial stance. I’m watching it happen in the man who stands before me. His gaze rakes over my naked body. He clenches his fists and the muscles in his forearm strain.  

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asks, his voice thick with lust.

I put my hands on my shoulders and gently lower them. The tips of my fingers caress my collarbones and come together as they dip into the crevice between my breasts. The pads of my thumbs skim the peaks of my nipples and they tighten instantly. His eyes return to mine sharply. Energy snaps between us.

“We agreed to practice celibacy for a month. This is a time for reflection and affection. Not fucking.”

I cross my arms and stomp my foot in defiance.

“It’s been sixteen days!” I cry. “I can’t wait any longer.”

“You can and you will.” He barks. Feeling desperate now, I drop to my knees and lay my forehead against the cool hardwood floor.

“Please, sir. I’m begging you.” 

“Which is precisely why we’re doing this.” He explains, crossing the room. I can feel the weight of his dominance pressing me into the ground. I unfold myself and lay completely flat on my stomach, arms outstretched beside me, face on the floor. He comes to stand over me. He puts his feet on either side of my hips and brings them together so that I am locked in place.  

“Our relationship is more than fucking and pain.”

“It doesn’t have to be.” I whimper. His laughter fills me with warmth.  

“Yes, it does.” Silence extends between us. I try to capture the feeling his joy caused within me, but it dissolves like sweet cotton candy on the tip of my tongue and I’m left feeling empty and cold once more. A sound of desperation escapes from the back of my throat before I can swallow it.

“Have you been a good girl?” He asks.

“Yes, sir.” My words spill out like an anguished groan. He chuckles again.

“Have you kept your hands away from what’s mine?”

“I have!” I cry. “I promise.” I can hear the distinct sound of fabric shifting as he lowers himself. He comes to rest on top of me, knees on either side of my thighs, balanced on the balls of his feet. It’s the first time I’ve felt the pressure of his body against mine in over two weeks and it feels amazing!

“I will not put my cock inside of you no matter how much you beg. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You will cum only when I say it is time and not before. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I am not caving into your seduction. I am rewarding my girl for behaving so well these last two weeks. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

more to come... I have to go now. 

-Jo

I sent this to a member of the cage who asked me advice on coping with submissive guilt. I thought it might help other women struggling with wanting to be submissive after being told their whole lives how important it is to be strong and independent and that it might bring peace of mind to other women who share the same beliefs.  

"I don't feel guilty for being submissive. I think feeling guilty for wanting to give up control is the side effect of the third wave feminist movement that insists that all women should strive for independence and power. I don't agree with that at all. I believe women were designed to be the helpers of men, and men were designed to be the protectors and lovers of women. If anything, I feel guilty for the opposite of submission. I feel guilty when I am trying to take over my husband's role as leader and emasculate him so he'll cave to my demands. I feel happy when I am being submissive. I feel at peace when my husband's expectations of me are made clear. I feel joy when I meet them and I feel ecstatic when I surpass his expectations and the happiness of it shines on his face. I love being submissive in bed. When my husbands is rough with me, he's reminding me that he owns me. He can do whatever he wants to me. It's thrilling to know how powerful he is and to know that he curbs it every second of the day to show me his gentleness. The bedroom is the only place he can let out his raw masculinity. It's primal. It awakens something deep inside of us that we've silenced through the generations. Men want to rule and women want to kneel. There's nothing wrong with that when both parties respect and love each other, when both people are consenting, and when they both trust each other." 

-Jo

What is it about dominance that makes me feel high? I swear, I'm addicted to it. Once I get that sensation in my stomach, that twisting of electric knots, I don't ever want it to go away. I want to feel like this all the time. When I'm without it, I feel depressed. I need a hand around my throat/ fisted in my hair. I need to be pushing the boundaries so I can be reminded of my place. It can't be healthy to want this all the time. It can't be healthy to crave it the way I do. 

-Jo

I can't upload pictures to my blog because I'm not a premium member. 😭!! That being said, Papa Bear said I could share some pics from last night with my friends on The Cage, so I uploaded them to my profile. 🥰 

-Jo

Papa Bear and I are on our way to pick up a puppy today. I love dogs and since I was a little girl I've had a desire to train them, specifically for S.A.R. I'm not quite there yet, maybe one day when my kids are grown and I can focus all of my attention on it. Anyway, I write this because my self-conscious and depreciating nature is giving me insecurities about my abilities to train this puppy. I have no professional experience, just a passion for it. I don't know if I have what it takes. I don't know if I'm writing this for encouragement or for prayers or just to vent, but here it is. Y'all wish me luck. 

- Jo

Papa Bear and I experimented with Shibari tonight. It was amazing. So methodical and mindless. Very meditative. He loved it and so did I. I just wanted to share that with y'all. There's a lot of instructional videos on YouTube for anyone who wants to try. 

Y'all have a good night. 

-Jo