Thoughts of a Lonely Fat Girl

The lonely fat girl has had a long summer emotionally. She ended things with Daddy back in June.  He was pushing her away. It was hurting too much to stay. She felt she needed to give him what he wanted. That doesn't mean he was gone from her heart. That doesn't mean she didn't stop loving him.

The lonely fat girl has thought about Daddy every day since things ended. She's thought about him when she's awake. She's had to stop herself from sending him something when something exciting has happened. She had to delete pictures. She had to remove him from things. It hurt too much to see the reminders. She's thought about him in her dreams. She's woken up and started crying because it wasn't real.

The lonely fat girl has missed Daddy so much. He understood her. He knew what she needed. He helped her feel safe.

The lonely fat girl loves Daddy. She never stopped loving him. She didn't feel lonely and fat when he was talking to and caring for her. He loved her. Not in spite of her fat. Not because of her fat. He loved her because he saw she was beautiful. On both the inside and out. He loved her mind. But he also loved her body.

The lonely fat girl struggled with Daddy too. Especially in the end. The little started coming out more and more. She didn't understand it. She didn't know how to deal with the feelings. She ended up in little space. It was so scary. She didn't know what to do or how to handle it. Daddy wasn't there.

The lonely fat girl has struggled this summer. She has talked with so many "doms" and "daddies." They were fake. They had no clue what being daddy meant. They just thought they were seeing an opportunity to mess with someone for a little while and then move on. They were mean. They were hurtful.

The lonely fat girl talked with some real doms and daddies too. They understood what it meant to be a daddy. They just didn't get the lonely fat girl. They didn't get what she needed. They wanted things from her she wasn't able to give. She needed things from them they didn't think was important. They weren't Daddy.

The lonely fat girl's life took an interesting turn this week. Daddy contacted her. Daddy wants to try again. Daddy has explained what happened. The lonely fat girl understands. Daddy wants to regain her trust. Daddy wants to be there for her again.

The lonely fat girl's head is a jumbled mess. She doesn't know what to think. She doesn't know what to feel. She does know he never really stopped being Daddy. She knows she's scared. She doesn't want to get hurt again. She doesn't want the tears. She doesn't want the loneliness.

But what if the lonely fat girl says yes? What if she submits to him again? What if the risk is worth every second of it?  What if she just needs to stop thinking for once and follow her gut? And yet is that what her gut is telling her

What if she just needs to take that leap of faith?  What if then she's no longer the lonely fat girl? What if she just becomes Daddy's babygirl? What if she becomes just Daddy's little princess?  What if she ends up getting what she's wanted all along?

🎥 Billy Joel - And So It Goes (Official Video)

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

By Billy Joel

This process! Getting to know someone. They reach out to the Lonely Fat Girl and say hi. Or she sees his profile and takes a chance saying hi to him. The conversation starts. The questions are always the same. “Tell me about yourself.” “Are you single?” “How long have you been in the lifestyle?” “How much experience do you really have?” They go on and on.

The energy! It takes so much energy to start this process. The Lonely Fat Girl has all her past experiences. She hears the same words over and over again. “I’m different.” “I’m not like those other guys.” “I want the real thing.” She starts to wonder if maybe this time will be different. But dammit what about her heart? She must protect it right? What if she is just being played again? Because the Lonely Fat Girl has heard the words repeatedly.

It’s scary! The Lonely Fat Girl is both little and sub. She doesn’t like being vulnerable with people. When she is then it opens doors to be little. She doesn’t know how to be little. It’s scary to her. An ex-daddy opened those doors for her and then left her to figure it out on her own. And yet each time she starts talking with someone it must happen all over again. She must talk about her wants. She must talk about her needs. The Lonely Fat Girl wonders if Doms really understand what it takes for a sub to open up like that. To show their heart time and time again.

She tries! Boy does the Lonely Fat Girl try to put those walls down and open up once again. Why do they have to play the games? Why can’t they take this seriously? Why do they see subs and littles as someone they can manipulate for a little while and then move on?
She gets angry! She is a little. The Lonely Fat Girl doesn’t want to open her inbox to more rude messages about sucking cock and fucking dick and so on and so forth. When she is close to little space it just snaps her back. It’s hard enough to deal with little space alone. But when she gets pulled back out of it as she is trying to deal with it, it’s just not cool.

She gets angry! Honestly? Why in the world would someone think the best introduction has to do with fucking and sucking cock? The Lonely Fat Girl doesn’t get it! How in the world does that help develop a trusting and safe relationship? For many this is not just about the bedroom. This is who we are. This is our essence. This means more to us than just freaky, kinky sex.

She gets frustrated! Why is it so hard to follow through with something? Isn’t this lifestyle supposed to be about trust and communication? How does the Lonely Fat Girl build trust when you can’t even follow through with the simple things? You say you are going to give her a call when you get home. Then call her. You say you are going to text her later her. Then text her. It may seem like such a little thing, but it is huge to her. It lets her know you are real. It lets her know she can depend on you. It lets her know when she needs you, you will be there. They don’t want clingy. They don’t want to have to deal with the insecurities. Do they not understand if they followed through the Lonely Fat Girl wouldn’t be clingy? She wouldn’t be so insecure?

The ghosting! The Lonely Fat Girl opens up to a person. She starts to tell them about herself. She doesn’t want to sound stand offish, so she tries to be honest and genuine. And then apparently, she says something they didn’t like. She never knows what it is she said. They just stop talking. No more comments. No more messages. Ghosting is cruel. It hurts. It makes her question what she did wrong. What she said wrong. What made her undesirable once again?

Is she worthy? The Lonely Fat Girl has been in this lifestyle for going on 2 years now. Men love to mess with her mind. They love to lead her on. They want to have freaky fun sex. But they don’t want the real thing. They don’t want to own her. They don’t even want to be seen with her.
She jokes around. But sometimes they have serious questions behind them. The Lonely Fat Girl will say to friends in the lifestyle, “Don’t you know someone who is a Daddy/Dom, is into fat girls, is single, and actually wants someone like me? Couldn’t ya just hook me up this once?” She says it as a joke. She wishes they would take her seriously. The Lonely Fat Girl is tired of searching on her own.

This process is so difficult. It takes so much energy. She wonders sometimes if potential dominants really understand what a submissive is giving just to start the process with you. She has gone down this road so many times. She hears the words, “I’m different!” “I’m not him!” “I take this seriously” “I will be honest with you” “I won’t play games” “Trust me”. She wants to trust. She wants to believe this time will be different. Especially as she continues to talk with you. Especially when she feels like there is a connection. She opens her heart. She starts to tell you her secrets. She starts to tell you her fears. She tells you what all of this means for us. She has amazing phone calls with you. She thinks you are connecting too. Her mind starts to go there. Maybe you are different. Maybe you do take this seriously. Maybe you aren’t going to play games. Maybe we really can trust you.

I don’t think dominants understand the kind of bond she quickly develops with you. She must start giving herself much quicker than you do. Because her trust in you is very different than the trust you place in her. Especially in the beginning. So she tries. She tries so hard to be open. To hear your words and not let the past hurts affect what she thinks of you.

But then it changes. Then you fucking ghost. She hates ghosting. All the time spent talking. Did that really mean so little to you? Why can’t you just pick up the phone and say sorry but I just don’t think this is going to work. Instead the insecurities boil over. She doesn’t want to message you repeatedly because she doesn’t want to scare you away if you just need some space. She doesn’t want to lose you. She doesn’t want to have to start the process all over again. All the ugly thoughts. That she’s worthless. That she’s too fat. That she has too many demons. That she is only a consolation prize. That she doesn’t deserve to find her Daddy. She worries about you! What if something happened? Are you ok? No one would even know to tell her.

You don’t care about how you have made her feel. You’ve decided you’ve had enough and that it’s time to find someone else to mess with. You didn’t have to develop that bond the way she did.

She may be willing to submit to the right one and be his fucktoy. She may give you her body to use however you want. That doesn’t mean you get to make her mind and heart a fucktoy. That’s not a daddy. That’s not a dominant. That’s a cruel man who just wants to abuse.

Dammit! Why did you have to fucking ghost?

The lonely fat girl is laying here wide awake again. She is trying to fight back the demons. She's trying not to let the memories creep in. The violation of her body over and over again by a man who said loved her. And it wasn't the beautiful exchange shared between a Dom and his sub. No, this all happened long before the lonely fat girl knew anything about this world.

No, this was a man who reveled in the idea of scaring the lonely fat girl. He got off on abusing her to control her. The only consistent thing the lonely fat girl knew during those six months was the certainty that she would be beat and raped at some point during the day. Yes, every day, for around 6 months.

He was good. He knew where to punch. He knew where to kick. He knew where to beat the lonely fat girl. No one ever saw the bruises. Not until that last week. When the lonely fat girl's angel appeared. The angel was her friend. He also happened to be a cop she worked with. Her shirt came untucked when she bent over to pick something up. The angel saw the bruises. He understood domestic violence. He understood why the lonely fat girl hadn't told him. The angel understood why the lonely fat girl endured because the fear of death was even stronger. The angel helped the lonely fat girl get free.

The lonely fat girl wasn't fat back then. She was actually very fit. She weighed around 160 pounds. She ran at least five miles a day. She was proud of her body. She had discovered her physical strength. She was discovering how much she could push herself. She was contemplating training for a marathon. He took all that away from the lonely fat girl.

The lonely fat girl has done the work. She has seen the therapist. She has gone through treatment to lessen the nightmares and limit the triggers. But it's not all gone.

A person can see the trauma and hurt on the lonely fat girl's body. She has gained so much in the last 20 years. She tries to lose. When she does she is able to get a little ways, but then someone says something to her. They acknowledge the weight loss. Then she spirals. She gains the weight back and then some. The lonely fat girl never realizes it until it's too late. But it happens. Because subconsciously she equates being raped and beaten with being thin.

The lonely fat girl has another procedure she must endure tomorrow. It typically is fairly easy. Not comfortable for women, but endurable. Unfortunately for the lonely fat girl it will be awful. She has to again fight the demons to get through it. She has to try not to remember the horrible memories.  The lonely fat girl hopes she can stay out of little space until she gets home afterwards.

In her mind, the lonely fat girl knows the procedures are not meant to traumatize her. But her heart can't seperate the two.  When they took the biposy a couple weeks ago she kept visioning him thrusting so hard into her. Taking the lonely fat girl's virginity with him. And the lonely fat girl kept imagining every time he would ram himself into her. The pain, the tearing, the bleeding afterwards. And his horrible, horrible laugh when he saw her curl up into a ball and cry.

They have to take more from the lonely fat girl tomorrow. There will be more horrible memories. There will be more nightmares. The doctor is good. She is kind and gentle and patient. But she can't stop the demons.

The lonely fat girl needs Daddy. She needs to be able to process all of this. She needs to be little for a while and still feel safe. The lonely fat girl will endure alone, but the process takes so much longer. It's so much harder to do.

The lonely fat girl is strong. She can survive. She will continue to survive.

Missing!

I miss physical intimacy.

I miss emotional intimacy.

I miss intellectual intimacy.

I miss cuddling.

I miss holding hands.

I miss soft, sensual lovemaking.

I miss primal hard, hot sex.

I miss wanting someone so much you can't think or see straight.

I miss lust.

I miss baring my soul to someone.

I miss staying up talking to someone till the wee hours.

I miss a man's body panting next to mine.

I miss a man's hands on me exploring.

I miss my hands exploring a man.

I miss laying in a man's arms, my head on his chest.

I miss skin against skin.

I miss moving in a primal sexual dance.

I miss the weight of a man on me!

I miss lips.

I miss inhaling and exhaling each other.

I miss the taste of a man's skin.

I miss the feel of him tasting me.

I miss the sounds.

I miss the groans.

I miss the moans.

I miss the panting.

I miss my barely audible squeals.

I miss his low pitched growls.

The last several days the lonely fat girl has really struggled with the concept of communication. In this lifestyle there are the 3 C’s – Consent, Communication, and Compatibility. Communication is the core to it all. If she can’t have consistent communication with her daddy, or potential daddy, then she can’t figure out if she is compatible with him. If she can’t have consistent communication with him then she can’t build the trust needed to be able to submit to him. If she can’t have consistent communication with him then how can she ever really give him the consent needed to do the things they wish to explore mentally, emotionally, or physically.

The lonely fat girl hears from so many Dominants who say communication is key. They say they believe communication is so important. They say communication is extremely important to them. However, she hears from very few Dominants who seem to know what consistent and thoughtful communication really is.

The lonely fat girl is not high maintenance. The lonely fat girl is not clingy. She is far from these things. She is up front in the beginning when she first starts communicating with someone. The lonely fat girl tells them she needs consistent communication.

One of the lonely fat girl’s biggest pet peeves is trying to have a conversation about the lifestyle and expectations of the other when the communication isn’t consistent. She has experienced several things. One or two messages throughout the day insinuating they have the time to talk, but they don’t respond for hours or until the next day. Another one is being in the middle of a conversation, the back and forth is going well, and then they just stop with no explanation and she doesn’t hear from them for hours again or the next day. The lonely fat girl laughs when either one of these things happen and then they send a message like, “Hey!”, or “What’s up?”, like nothing every happened. They ignore the last question she asked them. When the lonely fat girl asks what’s going on, they think she’s silly to think anything was wrong. Really? He just ghosted her for a day or two.

The lonely fat girl is hurt when this happens. She is not a primal predator. She does not enjoy the hunt. When someone does this, she starts thinking there is something wrong with her. She wonders if she has does something wrong. She wonders if he was ever really that interested in her. She wonders if he is playing games with her like every other daddy she has had has done so far. She’s the lonely fat girl. Her experience is dominants and daddies just want her for a fun fuck. Her experience is she is nothing more than the consolation prize to be quickly discarded when something better comes along. The dominants and daddies try to convince her she’s wrong until she starts to believe them. Then they prove she was right once again.

The lonely fat girl has demons she is trying to fight. She needs to feel accepted. She needs to know that her potential daddy will be consistent with her. Especially on the days when she is fighting those demons. If he can’t be consistent in the beginning with conversing with her why would she ever think he’s going to be there when the demons are haunting her. The lonely fat girl isn’t looking for her daddy to fix her. She isn’t in this lifestyle to heal her demons. She has done the work to heal those pieces of her. But that doesn’t mean they are gone. The lonely fat girl still has bad days. There are days when there are so many triggers throughout the day, she can’t help but feel them, hear them, see them. The lonely fat girl doesn’t want her daddy to fix her when this happens. She wants him to be there. She wants him to hold her and listen to her as she moves through it. She wants him to reassure her she is safe to feel what she is feeling. But she’s never going to be able to trust he will be there for her during those times if he can’t be there consistently from the very start.

The lonely fat girl’s time is just as valuable as his. She has things going on. She is busy with life. When he does this to her it tells her he really doesn’t value her as a person. Again, she may be a submissive and a little, but she is valuable. She thanks him for his time. She respects him when he gives her his time. Not once has any dominant or daddy ever thanked her for her time.

Please note....I am not the author of this writing, but was not able to find who was.

Maybe one day I will finely find this kind of love:

She looked in the mirror, then she looked at him, he was sitting in bed, she asked him, do you still love me?

He answered, like on the first day.

Did you notice that my body is no longer the same as when we met?

He answered. No, not at all.

She put her hands on her belly and asked him, did you notice that my belly is heavier.

He answered. No, not at all.

She took off her bathrobe and looked at her legs and asked him,

Did you notice that my legs are not as hard and smooth as they used to be?

He answered. Not yet.

Then she came to him with tears in the eyes asked him, so what do you do by my side if you don't see me anymore, if you don't know how much my body has changed, don't you know I'm not the same?

He laughed and said:

Look how you are, when I touch your body, I felt your way of loving, I see a heart full of kindness, I see your sensual figure, I know that you have the perfect shape for me, you gave me the best . What I can get, kids...

Woman... don't be sad about how you look at yourself, be glad what I feel. I fell in love with the sensuality and kindness of your soul, not the vanity of your body, and through the tears he drew a smile that made her face shine again.....
 

Well, it’s happened once again. The Lonely Fat Girl is single and looking once again. Daddy said so many words. He made so many promises. They were all empty. Daddy said he loved her. He even promised unconditional love. He said he was thinking about their future. He said he wanted nothing more than to be with her. She gave up someone else for him. She believed Daddy’s words. She thought he cared. She thought she was making the right choice. But instead Daddy hurt her. He started giving her less and less. He started showing how little he really cared about her. Daddy’s representative left and the true Daddy showed. Daddy abandoned her like so many men before him. The lonely fat girl had to end it with Daddy. She couldn’t allow him to continue to take advantage of her submission. Daddy had lost the privilege of holding her gift. The lonely fat girl has discovered he is still searching. There he is on Collar Space. He’s looking every day. The lonely fat girl was just another game for him. She never meant anything to him. It’s time to move on. He wasn’t her lifetime Daddy. He was just another man teaching her the lessons of heartache.

The lonely fat girl has been through this time and time again. She is a submissive at heart. It is in her soul. It is her nature. Sure, she is new to the lifestyle. Of course she continues to learn about herself. Discoveries continue every day about how she relates to the world. Why do so many men see submissives as doormats? Why do they see them as prey? Why do they see them as someone they can and should manipulate? Why do so many see this lifestyle as just a game? Or a way to hurt and abuse someone?

The lonely fat girl may be a submissive, but she is far from weak. The lonely fat girl has experienced things she would not wish on her worst enemy and yet she has survived to tell about them. She still puts herself out there to try to find her Daddy. The lonely fat girl desperately wants to be loved by the right man, but she is not so desperate she will accept anyone who calls themselves a dom. She has experienced the sub frenzy. She as been the desperately searching sub who will accept anything which comes her way. She has changed. She has calmed. She has learned. She is strong.

The lonely fat girl has a great deal of respect for this lifestyle and believes wholeheartedly in it. This lifestyle is not just about kinky sex. This lifestyle is about souls connecting. It is about trust and communication. Submission is a gift. A submissive is a strong woman. She knows her heart. She knows what she wants. A submissive knows she needs the guidance. She knows she relishes in the calmness her Dominant provides. She knows she can flourish with rules, and structure, and tasks to complete. A submissive knows she can survive on her own. A submissive chooses to give her heart, soul, mind, and control to her Dominant. A submissive knows when she is owned her Dominant will care for her, will protect her, will provide for her, will help her discover pieces of her she never knew existed.

The lonely fat girl also knows the significance of Domination. Dominance is a gift, just as submission. When a Dominant gives his gift to his submissive, he is agreeing to provide for her, to protect her, to guide her. A Dominant is agreeing to give his heart, soul, and mind to her as well. A Dominant knows she cannot truly submit if he does not give those things to her. A Dominant knows for her to trust him he must let her know every corner of his heart and mind just as she does him. It is not easy to be a Dominant. It takes hard work. It requires lots of time. He must choose her every day just as she must choose him.

The lonely fat girl understands this lifestyle. She understands she is continuing to discover herself. She understands how amazing it can be when she finally finds her forever Daddy. She will continue to search. The walls will keep getting taller. She will be more methodical in how she gives of herself. She will be more intentional with her vetting. But she will continue to search. The lonely fat girl knows her Daddy is out there. She knows she needs to be patient and one day she will find him.

Or maybe it is him who will find her.

The lonely fat girl is laying in bed alone for the 1000th night it a row it seems. She can't sleep. All she can think about is how empty her bed is. A big ol' king size bed. Granted fatty takes up a lot of room, but it is still so empty. Fatty yearns to be loved, to be wanted, to be cherished. But Doms and Daddies only seem to see the fat. They can't seem to see past the rolls, lumps and stretch marks. If they did they may just see a woman with a beautiful soul. A woman who loves and accepts people unconditionally. A woman who will be their #1 ally, fan, and supporter. No, instead the lonely fat girl lays here alone, unable to sleep, with tears rolling down her cheeks.

Fatty has been alone for a long time. Much longer than she has been in the lifestyle. And men were cruel to this lonely fat girl in the vanilla world, but they were much more subtle about it.

Since entering the lifestyle the lonely fat girl has had to put many more stories onto her wall. The cruelty a lonely fat girl experiences in this lifestyle is awful.

Fatty scrolls through her feed. She sees the pictures the men love and comment on. The beautiful women with curves in just the right places. Their beautiful pussies and assholes up in the air for all the men to cherish. And their beautifully shaped breasts keeping the men coming back for more. The lonely fat girl will never be able to give a man a body like that. Even if she loses all the weight they find so ugly she will never have the beautiful curves and beautiful body they seem to crave.

The words this lonely fat girl has heard. These tears rolling down her cheeks represent those hateful words. The men who have told her they don't play with fattties like her. The men who say they have no problem fucking her fat pussy, but they will never be seen in public with her. How about the men who tell her fucking a fat girl is on their bucket list. Or the men who are in "poly" relationships. They tell her she's good enough to have on the side, but she'll never be the priority to them. Instead she'll be the hidden fucktoy.

Of course the lonely fat girl also gets the men who think since she's fat she's desperate and will put up with anything. And they are right. In some instances she has because she was so desperate to be loved. The lonely fat girl has even been told she needs to give up her hard limits because no man wants to put up with those from a fat woman.

The tears roll down this lonely fat girl's face tonight because she so desperately wants some simple things. She wants to be loved. She wants to be someone's grand prize. She wants to know to someone she is the most important thing in the world. She wants to know her Daddy will move heaven and earth to be there for her. And with her. She wants to know she won't ever have to feel like the lonely fat girl again curled up in bed all by herself. Fatty wants to know she is finally loved unconditionally, with all of her faults and imperfections as well as all of her good qualities.

The lonely fat girl wants to know even when she's overthinking things and the anxiety is building and she is afraid Daddy doesn't want her, it's going to be ok. Because when she tells Daddy she's feeling scared and is afraid she's losing him he will recognize it for what it is. He will know it's the hurt from the past eating away at her soul. He'll chat with her more and find time to talk with her. He won't care if someone overhears because his little girl needs him.

Instead when the lonely fat girl thinks maybe she has found her forever Daddy she's afraid to tell him when she feels this way. She can't tell him all her problems and all her feelings or he will decide there's just too much to deal with. So instead fatty starts keeping those thoughts and feelings to herself. Fatty puts them in a box and hides them in the wall with all the other mountains of boxes. But when the lonely fat girl is laying in the bed all alone, she can't hide them anymore. Instead the tears start to flow.

The lonely fat girl lies in bed crying because she needs the release. She needs to feel the pain. She needs the bruises. Tops have tried to give fatty the release she needs. They help a little. At least she gets some of the pain. But those tops have been married. Those tops weren't able to give fatty the aftercare she needs. So fatty didn't give herself completely to them. They didn't get all of fatty's trust because she was going home to deal with it on her own. Or they were leaving to go back to their grand prize in life.

So fatty got a little release, but she still laid in bed alone with those tears rolling down her face. See after the release the lonely fat girl disappears and out comes the lonely fat little who doesn't want to be alone. She's afraid of the shadows of the night. She knows what happens at night. Fatty has seen the scary things coming out of the shadows at night. She needs to be held. She needs to be caressed. She needs to feel Daddy's love.

Someday maybe the lonely fat girl won't be lonely anymore. Someday maybe Daddy will be there with her for all the happies and all the sads. Someday maybe Daddy will give her the release and then keep her safe from what lurks in the shadows. The lonely fat girl holds on to the someday maybes to go on another day.