== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
99% Sadist
99% Submissive
90% Pet
87% Boy/Girl
85% Masochist
79% Non-monogamist
79% Slave
74% Primal (Prey)
57% Rope bunny
56% Primal (Hunter)
50% Rigger
50% Owner
49% Experimentalist
36% Brat
35% Switch
12% Vanilla
8% Exhibitionist
6% Voyeur
5% Ageplayer
4% Degradee
1% Degrader
1% Dominant
1% Daddy/Mommy
0% Brat tamer
0% Master/Mistress
So... I was perusing submissiveguide.com again and felt like I got a lot out of answering the questions in an article titled, Figure Out What to Expect from a Relationship BEFORE Entering a Relationship. Click here if you'd like to read it for yourself. Although I'm already in a relationship and submission is something I want, I'm intentionally taking my time wading back into those deep D/s waters. My Submissive Reflections posts have discussed a lot of the hang-ups, but haven't really hit on the WHY so broadly.
DISCLAIMER: Definitions are personal. MY interpretation of some definitions are below.
1. Think about what "submissive" means to you. How would you define that to someone else? To me, the term "submissive" describes someone who has made an agreement to give their personal power to a Dominant for a period of time. The specific terms and limitations of this agreement will vary in degree based on negotiations between the submissive and the Dominant involved. Personal power can be described as independence, will, or autonomy, but ultimately I think it is best described as the right to make final decisions.
What does is look like from someone in the know looking in? What submission looks like to others will vary based on the individuals involved, context, and their dynamic. Sometimes it looks like stereotypical gender roles in action, sometimes it looks like enabling controlling and potentially toxic behavior, other times it just looks like... normal loving relationship.
Do the same for "Dominant." What does that mean to you and how would you define that to someone else? To me, "Dominant" describes someone who made an agreement to take on a submissive's personal power in addition to their own. The Dominant is responsible for making final decisions, as such they are in control of situations and are often responsible for the well-being of the submissive to some degree.
2. What type of relationship are you seeking? Do you want online only or face to face? Do you know if you want to submit full-time or for specified periods of time like after the kids are in bed or on the weekends? Do you want a monogamous, open or poly relationship? Do you want romance or service only? My ideal relationship would be a long term 24/7 D/s relationship with a partner with whom I am both romantically and sexually involved. We would live together in as part of a poly relationship.
3. What hits your pleasure centers when you think about submission? First, the peace that comes with simplicity. I'm a recovering perfectionist, workaholic, control-freak, and people-pleaser. "Overwhelmed" and "Self-Critical" are constant states of mind for me. It's so chaotic and stressful! My to-do list may not get any shorter, but when I submit to someone, its like it transforms from a list a mile long to one deliciously simple directive: Obey. Through submission, I feel like my energy is channeled in a positive direction bringing me the much needed stillness, order, and silence I crave. Giving my personal power to someone I trust and respect, even temporarily, is a huge relief!
Secondly, I like to feel cared for and precious. I struggle with my self-worth sometimes so its a serious boost to my ego that someone who I desire and respect treasures my mind, body, and spirit. Sometimes this means being coddled like a babygirl, or doted on like a favorite pet, or and tended to like a prized possession. Most times, I want it to mean: pushing me towards growth and excellence. I feel cared for when my Dominant actively seeks my best.
Third, consistency and follow-up allow me to feel like what I do matters. I feel safe, like I can rely on my Dominant when they are consistent with me. Life happens and people forget, but when rules are not upheld, I start to feel like my submission is pointless and arbitrary. I feel like my Dominant cares about me when they pay attention to what I do. I don't want to be micro-managed, but I do like to be checked-in on and really appreciate follow-up.
Are you into kinky play too? Have you filled out your BDSM checklist yet? It's a very good starting point for novices that are into the kinky play aspects of BDSM as well as submission. In short, HELLS YES! I've filled out a lot of checklists over the years, but I'd like to start doing a new one annually as I continue my journey.
4. What are your limits? Don't just think about the play aspects, but your entire life. Are you willing to surrender control over your clothing choices, bathroom privileges, finances, parenting decisions, whether you work and where, etc? Be really specific here because it all will pertain to what you expect from a Dominant.
- My basic hard limits are urine, feces, vomit, enemas, infantilism, anything to do with pregnancy/breeding, rough body play (punching/kicking), video, and impaired play. Basic soft limits are feet, photography, impact play, cnc.
- No overt kinky fuckery or sexy shenanigans in or around my workspace. Period.
- I am NOT willing to surrender control regarding clothing choice, bathroom use, finances, parenting decisions (I don't want kids), work, home, relationships, or my education.
5. How do you learn best? Are you a hands-on learner? Do you prefer researching and writing? What about practice makes perfect or stubborn perfectionism? Figure out how this Dominant is expected to teach you what you want to learn.
I am primarily a visual learner who does best when I can pair what I see with a tactile element. Ideally, this means I'm given verbal instruction and then physically completing the task or at least taking notes with each step. I've stated before that I'm a recovering perfectionist. On one end this can mean high quality work, but this also means I may not produce anything at all if it's not to my standards. Perfect can be the enemy of the good. I'd like to learn how to fail gracefully so that I can strive for excellence. I'm not sure how I'll learn that, but continued research, practice, and writing (such as this blog) to reflect will probably be key.
- Anima
The Internal & External Struggles of Submission
"What internal struggles are you currently feeling in your submission? Are they riddled with interference?"
The internal struggle: Presently, I'm working through a substantial emotional block that arose after choosing to break some old toxic relationship patterns and exchanging them for healthier things like boundaries, communication, and enthusiastic consent. Making these new choices meant choosing different, less traveled paths. Now I'm in new map altogether, opening new dialogue trees, and trying to stay safe... while feeling wildly insecure of every step.
The interference: fearful, guarded/mistrusting, avoidant, overworked, burnt-out, poor basic-self care, illness, mental health
Now that I'm making different choices, I feel less secure and my "monkey mind" does not like that. So I've become guarded and walled off from the vulnerability I need to access to feel the way I want to feel and play the way I want to play.
Additionally, this insecurity has led to a persistent cycle of avoidance, overwork, and burnout. Instead of showing up for myself in the areas that matter I put in longer and longer hours at work. Who has time for kink, or art, or dance, or magick when you're doing important adult things like making money? I can't hear the negative self-talk over the sound of all this productivity!
I inevitably over-do it though, and get sick because my self-care went out the window with the baby and bathwater, exacerbating my anxiety and depression.
"What external struggles are you having to work around?" I work around 60 hours every week so my free time is limited. My work requires me to interact and socialize with clients near constantly, due to my introverted nature this means my energy/spoons are limited too. I also live in close proximity to my clients and workspace, so privacy is extra important.
"What external struggles are overwhelming you? How should you conquer them?" Time management! If I could implement a schedule, I think I'd not only be able to make time for myself but be more effective at work too. Guess it's high time I get on that (and not just binge admin day and bujo videos).
Reset Your "Feel Submissive" Button
When was the last time you felt the need to take a submissive break? It's been years since I have been in service to anyone. I imagine that I would need a break during illness or an emotionally challenging event.
Does needing to take some time away mean that you aren't really a full-time submissive? It certainly does not.
Do Dominants need similar breaks? Why or why not? Of course they do! A Dominant or Top may need break for any of the same reasons a submissive or bottom might. They're human beings too!
ACTIVITY: Proactive, Reactive, and Anticipatory Service
(1) I would feel happiest if I made my Dominant a drink before being asked.
(2) I would be most satisfied if my Dominant praised me each time I followed their instruction.
(2) I feel most disappointed in myself when I realize that I was expected to follow on-going instructions from days ago.
(2) I would feel happiest if my Dominant gave me specific instructions each time they wanted a task done, even if the task has become part of our routine.
(1) I would be most satisfied if I could anticipate my Dominant's basic needs with as little prompting from my Dominant as possible.
REFLECTION: Reactive Service
So according to the numbers above (most 2's), I'm primarily driven by Reactive Service. I don't love those results but this is to be expected given that I'm not serving anyone presently. I'm sure I'll grow into more Proactive or Anticipatory Service when I know what perfect looks like to the Dominant I serve.
Its true, don't want to guess, I want to get it right the first time! If I'm to please, I'd prefer to be guided and shown how. I am absolutely the submissive that does the dishes I was tasked to but leaves the dirty clothes untouched. Mind, this is not because I didn't notice, but because I don't know if I'm allowed to touch the clothing or if there are preferences that exist. I prefer to assume my Dominant is particular in all things until I'm told otherwise. You could say I'd rather ask first, than apologize for overstepping boundaries or doing something wrong after.
And feedback! Please give me feedback! How else can I guarantee that I did something right if I'm not told? Praise is most certainly an ego boost, but more importantly it also gives me direction. Am I even on the right track? If not, I want to know so I can correct errors as soon as possible. Moan, pet me and tell me I'm a good girl, tell me that you like what I'm doing. I want to know!
- Anima
I bought the workbook from submissiveguide.com, Submissive Reflection: A Journey of Rediscovery & Affirmation by Luna Carruthers and KallistaJ on impulse recently. I was looking for a structured way to sort through my thoughts and feelings as I develop my submissive self, so when I saw the word "workbook," I took it as a sign and bought it immediately! Going forward, blog posts under the title "Submissive Reflections," will be regarding my responses to questions and prompts from the workbook.
"It's what draws us to submission that makes us unique and perfect for someone. What draws you?"
To put it plainly: I'm not sure anymore.
As I've expressed in a previous post, I did not get involved in D/s for the right reasons. I started experimenting and exploring this part of myself at a very vulnerable time in my life. I thought I needed a collar to prove to myself that I was worthy of the love and acceptance I craved from my family and peers, I thought I needed a Master to give me Purpose.
Now that I'm older and able to look back more objectively, I can see that what drew me in the past was unhealthy and very externally focused. Finding the line between what is healthy and what is toxic is tricky. I don't want to stay away from D/s and kink all-together, but I'd rather not fall into old habits ever again. I don't know or understand what my new motivations are but I hope to be better able to define them in the near future.
YOUR SUBMISSIVE MINDSET: Score 96/130
Not bad! Definitely room for improvement though. It is clear that I have confidence in myself as a submissive but that I am not ready to "give the gift of submission." I believe that once I have identified what motivates me and who I am as a submissive, that I will feel more comfortable agreeing to a formal power-exchange.
YOUR PERSONALITY: ISFP
As an ISFP, I am a..
Introverted person, who likes to spend time in a quiet environment, usually by myself.
Sensing person, who gets information from the world around me.
Feeling person, who makes decisions based on my instincts and emotions.
Perceiving person, who like to explore my options and improvise how I spend my time.
YOUR SUBMISSIVE TYPE: 28 total, *traditionally Dominant roles
1 Bottom
2 Submissive
3 Sadist*
4 Masochist
5 Switch
6 Top *
7 Prey (Primal)
8 Pet
9 Non-Monogamist
10 Rope Bunny
11 Experimentalist
12 Hunter (Primal) *
13 Exhibitionist
14 Slave
15 Girl
16 Owner *
17 Voyeur *
18 Degradee
19 Rigger *
20 Mommy
21 Degrader *
22 Dominant *
23 Property
24 Mistress *
25 Age Player
26 Brat
27 Vanilla
28 Brat Tamer *
Overall, I'm not surprised about these results. I definitely identify as a sadomasochistic submissive, but this exercise has me debating on whether I should call myself a switch. I like to give sensations, which is Top-like... Especially painful sensations, which is Sadistic-like... but I don't like to be in charge or in control, which I think of as more Dominant-like. Presently, I am filled with glee at the thought of being in service to my Dominant partner like an evil-sidekick, pushing the buttons, pulling the levers, and laughing maniacally as I tease and torture our captive. Such fun!
-Anima
The lotus flower is remarkable for it is rooted in mud, surrounded by water and darkness, yet somehow it finds a way to bloom and grow. A lotus is a survivor, it pushes its way through muddy waters and finds the sunlight. It raises itself above the murk to bloom unstained. For this reason, it is often a symbol of divine perfection and the realization of inner potential, of beauty in the face of adversity.
I aspire to be like the lotus, to bloom despite the adversity I've experienced in my life. For years I had convinced myself that I would never find love, nor know peace, or acceptance. Even if I found a way, I would never be worthy anyhow. I thought that my experiences had not only broken me, but that they had marred me in ways I could never recover from and had damaged me fundamentally as a person. What rational and loving Dominant would ever want me? I've got so much baggage! I'm a such a complicated mess, no Dominant in the world would ever want to put in the effort, none could, and any that would say they'd try are either full of shit or just abusers in-waiting. I have done so much over the years out of fear and despair. Though these doubts and fears were valid given all I'd been through, it was still a very toxic mindset.
After much inner-work and therapy, I am finally realizing how wrong I've been. I was always Worthy, I just didn't know it. I was never broken, just hurting. A Lot. And not in a sexy way. I'd pour all my energy into my relationships so I didn't have to do the work I needed to. I had this unconscious expectation that my partner could heal my pain for me. To be owned and collared may be like the ultimate expression of love, peace, and acceptance to me, but I'd been approaching things all wrong. A collar is not going to heal me and all my inner BS isn't going to fuck off and die just because my Dominant gave it The Look TM and used The Voice TM (subs know what I'm talking about). Healing doesn't work that way and it was unfair to my partners to expect it to. The Bestest most Uberest Alpha Domly-Dom/me in the Universe can only help me towards healing, they can't do it for me. The most glamourous eternity collar is a poor substitute for real essentials like Self -Love, Forgiveness, Self-Respect, and Self-Compassion. Only I can give myself that.
Inner-work is hard. Growing is more than a little uncomfortable. But for the first time in years, I'm actually excited to begin developing my submission again! I even bought a workbook from submissiveguide.com because I like structure when I'm taking on so much abstract. Don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of emotional-traumatic muck to work through, but I'm finally starting to feel the most encouraging sensation anyone who's ever been stuck has felt: Progress.
The lotus is survivor and so am I. The rest is just mud.
- Anima