'Shie, Her, Hers: My D-fining Moments

Just because I fucking love Taylor Swift! And...  Holy shit this song is giving me Dixie Chicks vibes and timeless feels. ❤️✨

First, here's a poem I wrote, loosely titled

"For My Cookie Cakes"

My toes are teal
And my fingers are lavender fields for you
The glitter coating is chipping away
Yet I find beautiful imperfections in lieu...
In lieu of your mind fucking switch
In lieu of the pain I want to inflict
I find beauty in my Cookie
When she listens and goes pink for me
Though hesitant, still obedient
When the long redness has been removed from
her chin, from around her nose
Her cheeks... bare
And the hair shallow there
But among her head, tresses flow
I want to seize her and never let go

My toes are teal
My fingers are still chipping glittered fields
And though a bit of acetone could remove it
I have no desire to
I have no desire to erase memories of you
Instead, I want to make them new
Perhaps I should have
Painted things more clearly
But I'm intrigued by the vibrancy
Turned off by the need to hold on to autonomy
Cookie, you chose for me

My toes are teal and my fingers are lavender fields for YOU. I just wish chipping away wasn't something we had to go through.

*My poem is NOT for anyone here that has the nickname Cookie. What is shared in this poem has special meaning and may be hard to understand if one isn't privy to our experiences. But, I wrote this poem while in a place of sadness/ uncertainties. Wanting to hold on, but feel like things are falling apart .

Second: I had a falling out with a friend over a year ago, due to a (racial) misunderstanding. Came across their partner's kink account on another site yesterday and thought it would be a good time to reach out. Annnnnd... Well, they responded! I'm actually really excited that they responded in such a positive way. We both agreed that what we went through was a good thing, because it made us realize our own privilege and positionality... Which tends to come up socially for people who are either Black or White. We have plans to hang out soon, and that really made my night.

Third: Still reflecting on my Cookie. They are on a trip today and gone for the weekend. My mood is somber for them, and this very moment. Mainly because I am in the surgery intake and pre-op waiting room, awaiting my turn to have a procedure done this morning. I wish I could have spoken to my Cookie before hand. To clear things up. To be in better moods before my procedure.

Fourth: I'm just feeling a lot of things. Like I said, for my Cookie, but happy because of a restored friendship, but anxious because I'm in the hospital, but ok because I've lived and loved another day. I am happy overall. My good good boy has been in touch all morning. I love him. The 12 years we have together have been amazing. He knows how to lift my spirits. I'll meditate on our love while I go under. Strange are the feelings though when your heart loves someone for so long and yet a new one comes along and causes it to simultaneously ache. 

Thanks for reading. Peace, love, and blessings to you all! ❤️✨ 

Masha Greif dances in the Russian city of Chelyabinsk. Kirstine Stubbe Teglbjærg sings to the music of Bo Rande and Tobias Wilner. Song, beautifully written by the three. 

Nao's 2018 album entitled "Saturn" has been my mood for the past couple of days. Her voice is chilling and her tunes are catchy. I hope that you enjoy her song "Curiosity". 

*You're more than welcome to skim through and simply answer the questions in pink! 

Here's some questions for anyone who feels like they'd have some useful advice, an experience, or certain level of *expertise* on the topic at hand. And just for classification purposes, this is not being posted to spite anyone and I don't believe there are any right or wrong answers. I just need some assistance processing everything I shared in my last blog and some of the aftermath to find MY OWN answer. 

If someone is a D-type, but they are observed to have some submissive traits, does this automatically mean that they are a switch? 

If this said-someone seeks to further explore those traits, does that require a complete halt of any current D/s M/s dynamics they have in order to focus 100% on self discovery? 

Because after writing my previous blog and after talking to some folks, I kinda laughed at the possibility of this being a part of me. One individual even said something like, "enjoying things doesn't equal total submission". Which made a lot of sense. Annnnnd, those who know how I am are like, "yeah tf right" to my whole "I can totally check this submissive stuff out" claim. 

I read over my last blog... And my anxieties and reservations came out at the end. I said it plainly, a number of times. I don't want to give up my power. 

So, maybe...Maybe there's someone out there that can bring the switch out of me. But I don't like the idea of not having subbies. And if I have to leave current dynamics just to explore this side that I'm not even sure about, then that unexplored side can stay hidden. I love what I have going right now... And I'm willing to put away the suggestion / curiosity, just to stick to what I'm comfortable with and already know I enjoy. 

All this to say... What are your thoughts? And I'm probably NOT going to explore my submissive side any further for the time being. I tried. I'm no good at it. Lol

Y'all are doing awesome with keeping up with this mess that I am lately. Blame the retrograde! Also, newsflash...yet probably no surprise that I'm a Pisces! Thanks for reading! 

So the other day I wrote a blog about how I was ghosted, and it appeared that a lot of people were sympathetic towards me. But I also got the impression that there was some confusion as to whether or not I am a subbie. Maybe it's because I used the term "boo-hoo'd" and because of my overall sensitivity. But you know, this isn't the first time that people have picked up on my otherwise meek, modest, and childlike mannerisms. I love Minnie Mouse, stuffies, rainbows, bubbles, and stars. I have hella graphic tees of my favorite shows, music, and other 90s nostalgia. I love arts and crafts and I tend to be bright eyed, though a sourpuss when I don't get my way. And, I always respect my elders. Anyhoo... 

Just yesterday I went to see the new Lion King. It was a premier event. I had bought tickets well in advance, picking the best house seats, right in the middle next to the ADA section. Strategic so I could have space for things like my jacket in case I got too warm or for my popcorn in case I got tired of holding it. I found that when there's no strollers or wheelchairs I get the row to myself, meaning I can move my arms in excitement and singing. I can also get to and from my seat easily if I needed to take a potty break. But let's be serious, I was not going to use the restroom during this film. I have waited for this moment and even wore my old faded Hakuna Matata t-shirt to the theater. I sang along to every original song (spoiler, they have em in there), tried to sing a little bit of the new Beyoncé spirit song, and even quoted original dialogue (sorry, another spoiler). It was an amazing movie and I cried!!!! So many beautiful cinematic moments, and so much nostalgia for me because The Lion King is my favorite Disney movie (though it's actually tied with the original Toy Story)! I was in awe the entire night thinking about what I had just experienced. An upgraded but still true to the original Lion King. Be still my heart!!!! 

Anyways, I came home and began chatting excitedly and it just happened. I started out by saying how happy I was, but then I started on about something about the world being complicated. Sometimes my inquisitive nature leads me to ask a lot of questions, and sometimes the answers aren't ones I'm prepared for. Sometimes they're a lot deeper than expected. 

Someone jokingly said they think I have a tiny bit of little in me. 😱 And so...I think that's something I have to come to terms with. One of those responses that was much deeper than expected. Anyone who knew me in the first couple of days that I've been on The Cage, might remember the line "I've never been a sub, can't fathom being a switch" being on my profile. They might recall seeing my parenthetical "female dom" snuggled up to my name. But, those things have been removed. I mean, removed a few days ago from my profile...not because of the "tiny bit of little" comment. I think maybe it was just a nudge from the Universe going, "Let's ease her into this. Shie's not ready!" 

I'm not. I'm not ready to fully come to terms with being a switch... Let alone a little. And it's not because I have some less than favorable reservations about either of the two. But it's because I've NEVER explored either of those areas. If you read my first blog, you will see that I'm a spoiled brat! I always have to have my way and I'm a greedy munchkin. And so, in my relationships, I've been the one to lead and call the shots on ALL parameters. When I don't get my way, I turn into a cold hard bitch. And so, I think I've honestly always had the control that I do because people don't think to challenge me, and they don't challenge me because they don't want to see my bitchy side. 

Only ever once, many years ago, there was a guy in the military who only called me over for his sexual pleasures. Though not lifestyle related, he was very assertive. He knew what he wanted and how he wanted it. When I came over, I listened to his every word and did exactly as told. When I left, I was filled with joy that I satisfied his needs. Annnnnd, although the relationship was strictly sexual, there was a daddy-like quality to him. One time I had got into a bit of trouble while out with friends and called him to pick me up. I was so ashamed. He gave me a talking to and punished me. I was not allowed to speak to him for what felt like a lifetime. But when that time was up, he reached out and I promised to never put him in that situation again. We lost contact and he only ever crosses my mind when I'm reminded of him. Last night I was reminded of the tiny bit of submission I had only experienced at that time of my life. 

No one since, and no one before, had ever done that to me. Made me feel that way. Made me feel like I wanted to make them happy. But, many since have satisfied my needs and answered to all my orders/ command and made ME happy. I don't want to give that up. I don't like the idea of not being a Domme, but I might be able to reconcile exploring what submission is in me. 

I'm a loving Domme. I'm a total sap. I highly consider my subbies' thoughts, opinions, and suggestions and I want them to feel validated. I'm also hella indecisive, so I almost always rely on my subbie to be able to think for themselves and for me. Interesting, because I like the aspects of 24/7 TPE, but if I have to paint my nails... It's like, their task becomes choosing which one of a set of 4 colors will go on my toesies. 🤭 

I don't want to get rid of my power... What bit I'm holding on to. I don't think I will enjoy receiving orders more that I do giving them and the satisfaction that comes with that. I am also very assertive in the bedroom. I know what I like and don't like. And since that military man, there were other sexual relationships that made me realize that I don't like being told what to do. Maybe because their heart wasn't in it. Like, Mr military had me under total control. Everyone else paled in comparison. But I've thought about it. Thinking gives way to uncertainties and considerations. So all this is to say... I'm going to actively explore my switch side...a potential little side...just a little bit. 

Thanks for reading! 

Dammit. Here it is. The depressing blog (though it ends in affirmation). I'm trying to get it out of the way and hopefully not revisit this place again. But things happen, so I won't bet on a pain free future. I will, however, bet that I won't make this same mistake again.

What happened, you say? Well, I happened! So let me explain.

I received a message some time ago from a cutie pie interested in chatting. I obliged and before I knew it, we were stuck in conversation all day everyday. Things escalated rather quickly and we began making plans for the future. It was exciting. And then, as some of y'all have well known to experience, I was boo-hoo'd. I use "boo-hoo" in place of "ghosted", because it most resonates with everything I was feeling. I thought I found a boo-thang, but instead I was left whimpering at the nothingness of absence.

I know ghosting happens. I know that as an action, it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with another person's inability or disinterest in communicating effectively. What I also know is that if someone isn't being careful to guard their heart and emotions, that ghosting can be very painful to the ghosted. Depressing even. And so, when I say that "I happened" and "I won't make this same mistake again", what I'm really saying is that I've got to be more proactive about managing my emotions. I allowed this individual's disappearance to hurt me a lot more than it should have.

So what can I and should I do differently next time? Perhaps start with not being such a fuckin sap?! But mainly, appreciate slowness and my own truths. I guess when I get to talking about things with someone who "gets me", I get caught up in the excitement of feeling acknowledged and validated. "I know what you mean" and "I think thats why it's been so easy to talk and be me around you" is what they said. 

It was so easy for me to talk and be me around them too. Too easy. Easy enough to forget how powerful I was. Correction... How powerful I am. Forget the validation, forget their absence. All others would be blessed to be in my presence. 

So the lesson learned is that I will remained affirmed in never forgetting that I'm a fuckin Goddess. 

Well, I guess it's time that I finally blog it out. I'm 'Shie, pronounced "She". A name none other than a portion of the one assigned at my birth. Same goes for Marie. I honestly have 5 birth names. I later found out (during a complicated visit to my local social security office) that my mother had changed my name at least 3 times during the first month of my infancy. Needless to say, she was confused or rather uncertain about what she wanted to name me, so she gave me them all. 

In keeping with true fashion of the confusion I was born into, I never let any one aspect define me. No "either or" choices needing to be made... I knew early on that I found most people attractive no matter which side of the spectrum they fell on. I've had girlfriends, boyfriends, and others (in no derogatory way of "othering" someone, but rather stating a vastness to orientation)...each providing me with a lesson to learn about myself and how I interact in intimate relationships. The biggest and best lesson thus far being the gift of parenthood. 

Family and friends call me spoiled. Perhaps this is because I latch onto the affinity I have with the decision that is my name. I know that I do not have to commit to any one thing (including and excluding my son----you can ask me about this later if you want to better understand what I mean). I know that I can change my mind. I know that I can have it all (or at least attempt to). But unlike my mother, I tend to think ahead and consider how the decisions I'm making may affect others. Granted, my mother probably didn't know that I'd be rejected from multiple colleges because of the inability to produce name change documents...But I digress. I am 'Shie. Woman with 5 names. Current undergraduate. Single mother. Lover of all and needer of everything. Welcome to my blog!!!!