Submitting with Purpose

Written on Sunday but waited till had permission from my bio family to post. Hope this helps someone.

Last night i lost a family member and dear friend to the idea that things wont get better. That they will stay the same. That the pain will continue and the only way out is for everything to end. Let me tell you they do get better. I say this not as someone who has never been there but someone who has been there 6 times. Attempted to end the pain 6 times. And every single time after I tried I instantly regretted it and luckily survived. 

I know sometimes even in the BDSM world. Even where we have physical pain to release emotional pain. Even where we have aftercare and support and the comfort of each other. There can be times where it seems like it is all too much. So I am here to say it does get better. Rainbows do come after rain storms. The storms do start. The light does come after a dark night. Cling onto hope. And when you cant find hope cling onto dreams and if you don't have dreams cling onto the knowledge that all bad things have an end and all good things a start. Remember you are worth fighting. You are worth living. You deserve joy and hope and life. 

And as a survivor now of several peoples suicides remember there are people out there who care. Even if you do not feel it. Even if they seem to not care I promise they do. And no matter your pain. No matter how much of a burden you feel for reaching out. I promise you they would rather you "bother them" than be gone forever. There is hope. There is a future. There is a reason to live. 

RIP Uncle Steve. You will be missed. And as we all know and now feel....earth lost an angel last night. Be at peace. Be free. We love you. 

So I got into a recent conversation with a friend because I mentioned how it feels great to be broken in BDSM. She was highly concerned but it came from a place of believing that brokenness and broken things are bad. But what if being broken is what is needed to shatter old insecurities, beliefs, and lies in order to build you back into the person you were destined to be. 

Recently I have felt broken. From a combination of life circumstances and tasks prescribed in my dynamic. My core has been shaken and from that shaking has been shattered. Was this emotional yes. Was it and is it hard yes. But each and every day do I see the benefit....definitely. 

That's the thing about broken things and about the tears and fears and emotions from being broken. To the outside world it looks bad. A vase breaks and we throw it away. People break down and we look away almost ashamed to be in the presence of the pain. But why? Why do we not embrace these moments or brokenness as times to be made truly whole. Why don't we look at the times we feel shattered as a time to be rebuilt. To begin a new journey. And to be made into the people we were always meant to be. 

Being broken doesn't mean you have been hurt. It is not when someone degrades who you are. Truly being broken is when the image you see of yourself is shattered so you can step in to the true identity you are. Right now I am broken. I am the vase which has fallen to the ground. But I will not be thrown away. I will not run away. Instead I will enjoy the journey as piece by piece I am rebuilt into the true image of me.

I just need to feel the sting of a belt across my back because maybe then I can cry

I just need to feel you stare deep into my eyes

I do not care if it is in love or in anger I just want to feel

I just need to hear your voice cut into my soul

Speaking words of acceptance or of disappointment

Anything to make me realize I am alive. Present. Still here. 

I need to feel the pain in the physical realm so perhaps this emptiness will finally be filled with the pain I know its hiding. 

I need to feel anything. Because this emptiness just makes me realize they are no longer here. 

RIP my friend. My colleague. You will always be remembered. 

Life has a way of throwing curveballs. And for me the month of November seems to be the month of those curveballs. In just the last few weeks of this month I have found out I have been diagnosed with a pretty bad medical issue and lost a co-worker. My biological family has been torn apart by deep rooted issues and a feeling of loneliness has hit me like a wave. And the crazy thing is....with all this mess...I still feel okay. 

There is something I have noticed lately. I always sought out BDSM because I sought a relationship that made much more sense. Rules, structure, expectations, and consent ruling a relationship was a winning deal to me. I felt safe, secure, and in control even while being a submissive. It just felt right. But these last few days, actually truly this last week, I have realized just how amazing being owned is. 

With all this chaos going on in my world having the collar of being owned makes me feel secure. When the world is spinning it is the anchor which keeps my feet on the ground. I know I am cared for. I know everything will one day be okay. I know things may rock my world, throw me off course, or completely knock me down...but I also know my Master will catch me. 

Before I was owned had all of this hit me I would have coped in the worst ways. Drugs, alcohol, and cutting would have become the center of my life. Anything would have been better than feeling the pain. Because my life was about me and about running from any and all emotions: fear, anger, and sadness being the most flee provoking. But now....being owned. My life is no longer my own. My body no longer my own. I can feel emotion. I can cry. And I can choose to not run away, not because I am stronger, but because I know my Master will be strong for me. I know my poly family will be there for me. I know I will not be crushed. But I refuse to cope in those negative ways because I know how that would hurt my poly family and I refuse to do that. I refuse to hurt others. And I refuse to dissapoint my Dom. 

So yes...November has had moments of sucking. But it is also the month I got my collar. And going through all these things has shown me the strength I have when in this dynamic. It has shown me how much my collar means to me and it has shown me how blessed I am to call myself owned. 

For the first time in my life I am beginning to see me.  All the parts of me I was afraid to look at. The flaws I was afraid to let others know I have. I found them.  And I know that they don't make me bad. Broken. Disgusting. Or unlovable. They make me...me. And me isn't that bad. 

For the first tkmeI accepted a part of me I have kept hidden. I am poly. My dream in life is to live with one Master and a sister submissive. To love one another so deeply and passionately and to serve our Master jointly out of love. The day I finally voiced that in therapy is the day I met my Master. And the journey has been beautiful since.

For the first time since my abusive ex I have been able to call someone Master. To let those words flow from my mouth like sweet music. To hear myself use a title I feel is earned through trust from both parties. In fact I cried the moment Master told me I was owned and I was able to call Him that. 

For the first time since losing my body and my pride to cancer I have accepted that out there somewhere. For some reason. Someone thinks I am beautiful. Someone thinks that I...even as I am now is beautiful. That even with extra weight and even though I dont see beauty at all in me....that I deserve care..that I deserve to be owned...that I deserve to be wanted...

For the first time in a long time I have realized I am worthy. Worthy of relationship. Worthy of care. Worthy of a bond which does not hurt me. And I have that from two people. Two amazing, beautiful, awe inspiring people.

And finally I have realized and accepted it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to struggle. Its okay to have horrible ideas and thoughts and desires. And it's okay to have them and to reach out instead of doing them. It's okay to cry. To break. And to mourn. And it's okay sometimes to have others help put you back together.

I cannot wait to share this journey with you all and to be amazed by who I become and the true me I find and first I experience.

Ever just feel that moment where you can breathe. Like what you had been searching for you found. Like the years of pain and chaos and torment have finally led you to a place of peace. That is where I am now. Finally. I feel like the pain is over and not only have I found myself but I have found my identity in BDSM and potentially the people i want to spend it with. For once my world has stopped spinning and I feel peace. I wanted to thank everyone here who supported me. Held me. Wiped away my tears and helped me find my confidence. Today I feel blessed.

I must say I am learning this lifestyle can be a beautiful disaster. I can meet amazing people like the ones who have helped me grow. The ones who have protected me. And the ones who have and are considering me. People who make me love the lifestyle and long for the day when I one day find my forever kinky family. 

But then...then there are people who have so many issues. Mentally and emotionally. Who use this lifestyle to try and manipulate and control people. Who try to ruin the chance at at a true healthy future for the people in it. Who are here to hurt. To use. And to leave you to fear the lifestyle. 

And we. Doms, subs, and switches alike are left to figure out and try to guess who is friend and who is foe. This lifestyle is beautiful but it can be a beautiful disaster. I am so lucky tonight I have weeded out another disaster from my life. A friend who couldnt take no. And I am left with the beauty of the potential future I may have with those who are considering me. Today I have found beauty and am forever grateful.

I lay here unable to sleep. For the first time in my life ADHD has been silence but only to unleash the emotions and fears and worries I hid behind it. And I had to get them out and here...this place...felt safe. 

For the first time I am exploring a poly dynamic that truly seems possible. Truly seems achievable. And I am scared. Every relationship after my first Dom...they had sparks of potential...but true...deep...honest potential I never felt. Never let myself feel. But now...having finally healing from the wounds of my past and finally accepting my submissive identity. My poly identity. I feel ready for the real thing. For a true forever dynamic and I am scared. 

What if I put my heart and soul into a dynamic and get hurt. What if i let people in again and my heart is broken. What if it doesnt work out. But then again.....what if it does. 

What if I find what I have been longing for. What if my search can finally be over. What if I can find my happily ever after. Is it worth taking the leap and just trusting. Just being myself and seeing who...if anyone accepts me. Is it worth feeling the fear in the free fall if I fall into the hands of my forever. I hope so. 

So here I stand. Feet on the side of the pool. Knees bent. Ready to jump. Here I go in 5...4...3...2.... (to be continued)

Being a teacher I always tiptoed around teaching about evolution but every year I have to. I have to teach how living things change over time to better survive in their environment.

Well here I am. Growing into adulthood and also into my confidence in BDSM. And here now I feel it. I am evolving.

At the beginning of my journey I spent 9 months with a Master who loved me until his mental health prevented him from being safe. To heal from the scars he left I ran to the comfort of ddlg and my little space. I ran to men who were not strict and did not punish. I adapted and evolved to develop a bratty side which kept Doms at a distance and kept me safe. Or did it. Yes perhaps I didnt have to fear the strictness that once hurt me. But I longed for the submission which once made me soar.

After some personal and BDSM loss i have spent the past few weeks sitting. Thinking. And developing a view of what I truly what. Where i want my final evolution to be. And with that...i have stepped back into a journey to find my Master again. The man who can bring me to my knees in pure love and respect. I desire to serve him and be his forever. 

In this time i have also realised my true joy for the poly lifestyle. I want to be able to share my Dom with others and to have a sister slave. 

And there are aspects of little and pet play which i enjoy too. But the biggest part of this evolution i am embracing is the freedom. The freedom and the peace accepting these parts of me brings. I cannot wait to see where this journey leads.

I get tired of a man being more interested in his needs than mine. As a submissive yes...I want to please you first and foremost. But days when I am crumbling..when my world is crashing...when nothing makes sense and everything seems pointless. That is when I need you beside me holding me. 

I am tired of people seeming to be out to hurt me. Not physically but emotionally. Those scars you can't see till I make them visible down my arm. Men who tell me I'm too big. Too annoying. Too loud. Too whatever. When all I want to be is enough. Enough for someone to stop and listen. To understand I lost my petite body to cancer. I come off as annoying because it's the way I show you give me butterflies. That sometimes I am loud and talkative because for so long I was silenced. 

I am tired of the pain. The tears. The hurt. I am tired of this lifestyle...but...I cant live without it.