Submitting with Purpose

Right now in life I feel so lost and so found. I am in a poly relationship which for me has meant I have my Daddy and my Sir. With both of them I feel complete in very different ways. But the problem now...is I also feel lost. My soul is at a point of deep connection with them both and different days swings different ways on who it loves more. The man who can express his emotions to me. His care and desire for me. But can be overly emotional too. Or the man who has difficulty expressing his desire for me....but then the small ways he does mean the world to me. Who I could see spending forever with but who says he isnt forever material. How can one be so whole yet feel so torn. How can ones heart feel complete yet shattered. I stay up crying over it then one of them does something to wipe away my tears. And right now I lay here confused and lost. And hoping to find my answer. 

Is it too much to ask to just be happy. To find a true Dom. One who wants to live this 24/7. Who accepts me as the beautiful mess I am. Who makes me a better person. Is it too much to ask. Or maybe I'm too lousy to deserve it. 

Rant over

I find myself desiring so much to go deeper into submission. Currently I am dealing with two tops. They know about each other and know I will choose one. It is fine with them as they know I am in a place where I'm finding what is right for me. But I am getting more lost instead of found. 

I have found myself longing for aspects of both of them. One is amazing with my little space but also a strong Dom but he isnt an exhibitionist like me. The other has brought out my confidence. Brought out my exhibitionist. But recently I self harmed badly and he did nothing about it. The other one is dealing with it as soon as he arrives in a week. I dont know what to do. Is it possible to love two Doms. To need aspects of both. Or to want one as a Dom and one as my rigger. I just I dont know what to do. I just want to be happy..to find the man to sweep me off my feet and land me on my knees. I want joy..

Wandering in the wilderness I dont know what I am seeking anymore. Could it be healing from the bruises and cuts the travel through this forest has brought. Could it be protection from the danger that still lurks in the woods. Could it be a pond where I can stare upon my reflection and truly see me. My soul..my spirit. I do not know but I keep searching. And I take every cut, every bruise, every broken heart and stumble for the chance at finding my way out. My peace. The person who will take me out of the wilderness into the dark and allow me to kneel before him. Allow me to finally let go. And never let another mark, besides his marks fall upon me. 

Lost in the storm of insecurity

Of doubt, fear, questioning

Lost in the storm of constant worry about 

Who, what, where, why, or how she may be hurt again

Or loved again

Or lied to again

Lost in the storm of defeat 

She wondered if the sky would ever clear

If sunshine would ever beat upon her face again

If a voice in the darkness bringing her to her knees

Could also bring rays of joy back into her life

Lost in the storm she began to question who she was

What she was

If she even deserved joy again

Hope again

Love again

Lost in the storm she cried tears larger than the rain that struck her face

She trembled more than the thunder shook the earth beneath her feet

She drew rays down her arm longer than any lightning strike

She was lost in the storm

Lost in the confusion

Lost in herself

And all she wanted was one voice

One hand

One firm standing man to call out her name

To call out "little one"

To bring her to her knees

To wipe the tears from her face as the rain dissapeared

To hold her so tight she no longer trembled as the thunder deadened

And to cover her arms from her own strikes as the lightning no longer hit the ground

She wanted a man to be the warrior she once read about

The one from fairy tales where the storm said to the warrior: 

"You cannot erase the storm"

And the warrior whispered back

"I am the storm"

Today as I turn another year older I reflect on the year. What is good. What went bad. And what can go better next year. 

The good: I have discovered more of myself and what I desire in this lifestyle. I have found that need for a true Dom  A man who can bring me to my knees with a single look. But can also hold me so close I know I am the only one for him. I have stopped self harming for the most part as well. And I have grown confident in my body even though I havent made the progress I needed. 

The bad: I have been hurt by a lot of men...fake doms...in the lifestyle. I have seen the Evil it can bring out. And the lasting pain it can bring someone. I have been brought to my knees in fear and submitted to those who never deserve it. I gave up on myself during the year and stopped fighting for my goals to reclaim my body. 

What will go better: I will find my Dom. I will reclaim my body. And I will find myself again. Kneeling on the floor before the man who calls me his.

How come some people can take the tiniest part of your heart

And make you feel whole

While others can take your whole heart and tear it apart so you never feel whole again

How come the bad guys seem to outdo the good guys

Or make it so you never trust any man, anywhere 

Could ever be a good guy for you

How come pain from people can run so deep

It causes you to run to a razor, or drugs, or booze

And hurt yourself physically just to match your broken heart

How come a man's words can bring you to your knees in love

Or can bring you to your knees as you cry out tears into your pillow

Remembering every cruel thing he said

How come some people can take the lifestyle

And make you remember why you ever submitted

While others make you regret the day you ever surrendered

How come the good men finish last,

The bad men win my heart over

And I lay here shattered, broken, and hoping one day to be made whole

How come these scars run so deep

How come this world seems so dark

How come even the tiniest glimpse of trust I no longer can give

I lay here tonight

Crying as memories of the past circle my mind

And all I can ask is....how come?

Thank you all for reading. This is something I had to write as I am now torn between the desire to surrender to a man I know is safe and potentially leaving the lifestyle altogether. A Dom from my past resurfaced in a cruel act against me and it reminded me why I feared this lifestyle and the harm it can bring. I am in a place where I don't want any man to touch me. To speak to me. To have the chance to hurt me. I love this lifestyle. I treasure my submission. But at times like this.....I just wonder why I'm even in it. 

His hands that coul break me to pieces 

But instead sculpt me into the woman he desires

His arms can break every part of me 

But instead hold me so tight His love is no question 

His voice could tell me all the horrible things I believe

But instead He calls me princess and says he loves me

His heart could be distant

But instead it beats in unison with me

He could be my worst nightmare

But instead He is my dream come true

He is my Dom. My Master. My Sir. 

He is my Everything.

First off this is not about my current Dom because he is truly amazing.. but seeing as my ex Dom was just released from prison for something he did to me without consent. I really want to be able to use my hurt. My pain. My wounds and help others. No one should have to live in the fear depression and self hate I did. No one  

This will probably be ongoing as I learn more about myself and warning signs which should have told me to run from the beginning. So I'm putting these out there for others but also myself. 

1. They dont know what a safe word is.

I understand there are people new to the kink community but if you are talking to a Dom who claims he has been a Dom for 20 plus years or even just one year and doesn't know what a safe word is. Houston you probably have a problem on your hands. 

2. They think safe words are stupid. 

Now now I will say me my Dom dont use our safe word unless ABSOLUTE emergency but we have amazing communication both verbal and non verbal and I'm completely safe. But any Dom who says safe words are stupid or not needed or childish. Please run. Safe words are safe words for a reason. They keep us safe. Not because we are hurt emotionally but because sometimes Doms checkout mentally and go too far. 

3. They decide that if you sign a contract and want to change something then you should be punished. 

We are all people. Changing. Evolving. Finding ourselves. Consent should always be number one which means if a contract doesnt have something as a limit and you realize after playing that you dont feel safe doing it. The contract should be changed. Or for me for example with an abuse history. Sometimes I cant do certain sexual acts due to flashbacks and I cant tell you how many doms then punish me for it. 

4. The punishment doesn't fit the crime. 

If you forget to say Sir or Master and are punished to the same level as if you I don't know lie or something more serious then you should be cautious. I am all for a strict Dom. I love them and am attracted highly to it. But it's important that you arent severely punished for every tiny infraction. Trust me. You will lose your love and feeling of safety with your Dom. 

5. They restrict affection. 

This is a good sign emotional abuse is coming. If a Dom is willing to not talk to you for days or not touch you then that to me isnt love. Its hurtful and damages the relationship.

As with all things these have to do with me and what I've seen happen before the fine line between bdsm and abuse was crossed. And I think its important to share my experience to help others. And yes. Slave or submissive or little or pet. If your Dom is abusing you. If you feel unloved and unsafe you can leave. I did. And it saved my life and provided me the most amazing Dom I'm now honored to say owns me. 

Hello. First let me introduce myself. I am...what I consider a new sub. Less than 2 years of experience and still discovering what I like. What I dont. Who to trust. And who I am. 

I have always wanted to help educate and teach from the lessons I've learned on my journey in bdsm but my profession makes that difficult. So I figured here...behind the mask of a computer screen. I could make that dream come true. Some blogs may be lessons. Some just writing's about or to my amazing Sir. But all will be here to help me share my experience and perhaps through that help others. 

So quick post today is about finding your submission and those moments you question if your submissive. 

You can take as many bdsm test as you want. Read as many definitions of submission. Watch bdsm videos (no 50 shades of grey doesnt count) but there will likey come a time when you question whether this is your lifestyle. Your place. Or what you want in life. 

This happened to me recently before being collared by my Sir. I had been through a lot of hurt from Doms. Ones who saw my brattiness as an excuse to abuse me or my submission as a way to use me without having to love me. Neither was effective and neither made me feel worthy of love or kindness. 

I clung onto the hope that the feelings I had at first with my first Dom. Where I felt like something clicked. Something made sense. That I'd found my missing link. I held onto hope that made sense. That was my hope and faith. But then my own Dom and the ones to follow made me wonder if submitting just meant being abused. 

I read and saw and heard and even for a short time experienced the beauty of submission. So what was wrong with me. What made me not worthy of it. Was I a bad submissive. Too bratty. Not attractive. Something must be wrong with me if my submission meant pain and anger and hate. Something was wrong with me. But I knew. I knew at my core with the right Dom. The right leader. The right Sir. I knew I could feel complete.

Enter my Sir. A man who makes me feel loved. Who makes my world whole. Who makes my heart skip beats. My mind stop racing. Who makes me feel whole again. And wearing his collar now I realize just how lucky I am. And can finally say I'm submissive. A brat still yes. But fully submissive. How? Why? Because in His hands I could be crushed. My heart shattered. But I give myself completely anyway. Because I know He has the power to crush me. But will only ever love me. And even though it's scary. Even though every moment I question when He will leave. Or if I'm good enough for Him. I fully surrender my body to Him because I know with Him I am safe. 

So if you are questioning your submission. Wondering what's wrong with you. Please realize it's nothing. You arent the issue. If you know you want to give yourself away. Give your Dom the person you are now for the person you will become tomorrow. Then realize it's not you. Was never you. You just havent find your Sir..and the path to find Him will be worth it in the end.