Longing

I often feel I am frozen in time. 

My mental health problems started, well, a long time ago. By age 15 I had been in 2 hospitals..one good...one not so good. Then  came the group homes until by 16 I fought my way out of that mess and moved into my own place. This could be ...erm, like 12 separate blogs but my point, if I have one, is the mental health was always there. 

age 29, after years of intense relationship turmoil, adrenal burnout and self neglect I entered the dreaded "psychosis" , also another blog, but fuck, it was intense, terrifying, bloody awful. I didn't think I'd survive it. It took almost 8 months to come back to "myself" but the thing is...I never really did. I'm there, back there , stuck, lost, idk. I'm gone. What's here now,  she is, different ? How to explain , parts were lost and gained. I don't connect to her, I miss her and I hate her for getting me here. 

Oh my point. Frozen. It's been 7 years and every day blends into the next day n month n year. People are supposed to move forward, evolving,  I'm not. Every day is keeping it together,  more of the same, repeat repeat repeat. But lately it's become intolerable....maybe that's good? Maybe that means change? 

Maybe I'm just crazy. 

I swear I had a point here, in my head the words flowed free...now , ugh. Fuck it.

Rambling before my head spins off.

Yesterday my husband left me. He's been threatening it for 3 months, leaving, acting 19 again. For the past 11 years he has been so sure of us and "forever" , so sure it made me sure. We met when I was 16....I am now 35, it has been a rocky, volatile relationship at times but I honestly believed we would be together until we died. He is amazing and awful, impossible to describe without droning on endlessly.

We have both done...errr, lots of wrong, my mental health issues don't help and his temper is..terrifying at times. 

So I'm sitting here wondering how 3 months can change so much. I stopped recognizing him, his words painful, his actions unbearable and still I sobbed and I begged him to stay over and over feeling pathetic as I did. 

Why didn't I beg yesterday? Would he still be here? I guess I've grown tired. I guess I've become numb to the threats. I want to sleep forever. I want to hurt him or hurt myself to hurt him. I'm becoming unhinged.

When I picture him with someone else the world starts to shake. He was my best friend, my only friend really. I'm not sure I will ever connect with anyone again...and fairly certain they wouldn't want me anyway.That's not self pity, it just is. 

Loneliness is ...hard.

I have never wrote anything and sent it into space before now, ever. Isn't anonymity nice. 

I am laying awake beside my husband, I watch him drift to sleep and continue to watch him sleep. His breath blowing on my face as I watch. I want him, he knew, I want him to take me so bad it hurts, my everything is aching ...but he sleeps.

I don't enjoy drinking but did tonight with him after promises of a fun night. We tried a bit of rope play earlier, pre drinking - it was nice, new, exciting but ultimately unfulfilling. I've been talking to him off and on for 2 years about this "side " of me and although at times he seems to understand I feel he is not really getting how serious I am. 

My desires scare me, I question what is wrong with me near daily. For most of my adult life I was, normal? That's not right but you get it. I was able to put this away or maybe I forgot it was there at all. When I look back this has been there since the start, so young, so young I question how it got into me but that's a different ramble. 

What is it ? I'm not even sure. By bdsm standards its probably mild? Also another ramble but for tonight I just want my husband to wake up and grab me. I want his eyes wild, possessive. I want him to tie me down, I want the pain, I want to control nothing. I want his hands around my thighs, my neck, on every inch of my flesh.

..I want this pain to subside before I go insane. 

He is tired, yeah..

He is always tired tho. I wish He could feel what I feel, I wish I could make him see a little bit of his time could make all the difference. But how. Sometimes I just google "I'm lonely" to kill the waking nights. Now I rant, it feels better at least. 

Uh, I sound bonkers. 💙