motto: be mindful

Today, something amazing happened. My Daddy lives almost 1,500 miles from me. To drive that it would take almost 22 hours. It often seems like a million miles. We often recognize that we wouldn't fight as we do if we were closer, could touch one another. No no, Daddy didn't drive here. And between you and me, He would not. Daddy would call that a waste of precious time. The only thing quick enough would be a teleport, and I'm not even sure if that is enough. 

The discussion of a collar had been brought up in the beginning of our relationship. I've never had one and quite honestly, it scared me a little. To trust someone to pick out a collar that I will be required to wear day in and day out. My career and personal life require extreme discretion. 

When beginning to talk to Doms, going through questions and testing compatibility, I would bring up collars. I would ask for examples of what they felt an appropriate day collar would be. It seemed a lot of Doms were quick to jump to collar a sub. But here is what I discovered, all of Doms picked day collars that were openly related to BDSM, not discrete to protect me. It is selfish but discretion is very, very important to me. This is how I was quickly able to identify who was right (or in all other cases - wrong) for me. Daddy was the only one who took time to talk with me about a collar - shapes, colors, designs, etc. This is what truly won me, the skeptic, over with Daddy. 

Today, I recieved my first ever and last collar. Daddy ordered me a stunning collar that I could wear, it signifies shapes that are important to him and me. It's beautiful, it ties me to Daddy. It signifies not only our commitment, but when we are together for our future, I will return this to him for my official, permanent collar. It is pretty exciting. I finally feel connected, at peace and kneeling to my Daddy, my Sir.

Daddy tonight seemed so confused, worried and even mildly frustrated tonight. Strange, right?!? Being such an important event?!? He wanted a bubbly, bouncy baby girl. Someone who was dynamic and expressive (trust me I am very much both). And I was calm, relaxed and at peace. Finally, at long last, we are committed in a very special form. I do not need to be in fear of him leaving or not being enough. I can let every bit of my guard down knowing I'm safe. What a relief, what peace. Finally, I can be in my sub headspace without reservation.

It feels amazing.

I love my Daddy. 

Key to my heart.

My Daddy is the center of my world. He spins my world and brings order, accountability and love to my chaotic world (and trust me it's chaotic). I am an alpha baby girl. For me this it means that my submissive side is for my Daddy only. He is the only one who brings out the submissive side of me and he does this simply by his voice. I am dynamic, assertive and often dominant in most areas of my life, but I am Daddy's little submissive, slut and fuck toy. Daddy is my safe place, my rock and my hero. 

Over the last 18 months, a pesky little thing crept into my life - ANXIETY. All of my experience with depression and anxiety has been through observations of family and friends who openly (and bravely) talk about their challenges. My anxiety hit like a ton a bricks. I am the master of stress and emotional avoidance. I have also been labeled a brick wall or emotionally unavailable. I called it self preservation. We all have our experiences in pain and loss that can shut up down from being available to anyone. Brave are those who forge forward. For a long time I was not brave.

Daddy makes me brave, Daddy is my shield. Daddy will be the first to tell you that I am a stubborn ass. Actually, he probably calls me that a couple times a week (do not consider this with being bratty). Daddy loves my passion and conviction. Daddy also says I dance, recently he called me his tiny dancer. It's something I treasure. Daddy will tell you I will dance around a topic if I do not want to talk about it.  It took a long time for Daddy to break these walls down around me. He is bruised and still recovering from it. But that is what makes Daddy, my Daddy. He sees so much more in me that I see in myself. 

I suppose this initial blog post is for Daddy to honor his fight. Also, hopefully to encourage Doms to not give up on that submissive that seems to be difficult. My Daddy would say that I have been such a challenge, I have fought him EVERY STEP of the way. He would also say that my submission is beautiful, loving and magical (hopefully). We have discovered the key to our dynamic is adapting to our needs, not following what would be described as a typical DD/bg relationship. One of the ways we have adapted our relationship is Daddy has loosened my reigns to allow me to surprise and show Him love. Sometimes, for me especially, the tighter the reigns the harder I bucked. Once they were loosened, I was able to submit to a level that was completely consensual and giving. 

Thank you Daddy for believing in me.