4 years ago. August 11, 2020 at 5:21 AM
It's been a full week since I walked out of that hotel room, after hours of arguing and getting nowhere with him. After weeks and months of always walking on egg shells and trying to fill the black hole within him, trying to figure out why things were so chaotic all of the time. It takes two people for a relationship to go wrong, and I do take full responsibility for the things I could have done better. However, so many things were wrong; he was wrong for me. I don't know if someone like him is right for anyone in this world. Someone who gaslights constantly, manipulates in the worst ways to get what they want, who doesn't seem to know how to show compassion unless they were getting something out of it in particular, tries to break every boundary to feel strong, and lastly, what made it all so clear to me that he couldn't be trusted, who justifies cheating.
I really did fall for this person. After all, despite the bad, there were good times. He was my first "Master", my first relationship that became official since I accepted that I was polyamorous. At the beginning, he made me feel like no other had. He spoke to the little girl inside who ached to serve, love ,worship and nurture her God every day.
I look back now and while things may have looked and felt wonderful to me, there were so many red flags. My gut on a constant seemed to have a pang in regards to him, and if I dared attempted to take caution, it drove a wedge between us somehow. I went into this relationship strong, ready to be my best, with my heart and arms open, and soon found myself feeling insecure, weak minded, and unlike myself.
He was so insecure, emotionally distant, secretive, and passive aggressive at the start, but we seemed to have clicked. I later realized how dishonest, childish, selfish, and cruel he really was. How needy and spiteful.
I had just moved into town and knew no one. He was mysterious, smart and good with words, which I find very sexy, and things got hot and heavy fast. He just needed to be given a chance, despite his rough past, which he wouldn't disclose right away. I should have known it was that bad. I have a problem with trying to find the good in people, even and especially if they cannot seem to find it themselves. I look back now and see how much of a respectable D/s dynamic that it was not, and more of a way to abuse and take advantage of someone, against their will, and get away with it.
I am this lingering light that attracts darkness. The worst of it is that I too am attracted to the dark. This was a huge lesson for me and I feel stronger and more aware. I think this could have only happened if I was able to break away from him. He stunted my growth and was only using me for validation.
I believe this end would have happened eventually, and I am so fortunate that I have such a loving partner who's been with me through thick and thin all these years, and who still stands with me today after this previous mess. I think part of the reason as to why a lot of us have trouble with breaking away from toxic relationships is the lack of support. How many people do we really count on? How many can we really trust?
I could have ended up like the many others who are tied to him with children. It could have been so much worse. And it bothers me that there will be another right after me, and who knows how many more. It'll take months to see who he really is, and when they try to break away, he would have already gotten into their head. Their dignity and soon well-being stripped away. You only get this far if you lacked something within yourself from the start.
I pray for the ones that he's hurt already, and for the soon to be others.
