Whatever

Todays good mood, is brought to you by nothing. I feel like I'm drowning, have no reason for it. One second I'm happy the next I'm ready to cry. I cant fully trust anyone. One second i feel they've never been closer, the next I'm wondering who they really are. Sad thing is, people aren't my only victims. I'm my biggest. I rarely love myself, mainly hate. Can't even look at myself in the mirror. One minute I'm on top of the world, then next I'm father down I've ever been. Unfortunately this is an average day for me. On a bad day, I usually aim at myself. Attack myself in any way I can. I dont know why, habit or reflex i guess. In a way to protect others from myself. Constantly paranoid someone is betraying me, or I'm betraying myself. Never knowing what's real and what's not. It's always all or nothing. Theres no happy medium. Never found it. It's why I push away when I'm deflecting pain. See, it may seem I'm trying to avoid it by making you leave. But honestly im at war with my thoughts. It's a struggle to gain traction and power over myself. It's all I think about. Whether I admit it or not. I never have a sense of direction because im always spinning. I never got my footing. The tidal waves never stopped hitting shore. And theres barely anything left. The ground has been washing away and I'm not sure anything is left. I might've been too late to ask for help. As i dont know what I'll become when I'm better. It's become a part of me, and I dont know who I am anymore. Not really sure what's left of me. All I know is what I'm attempting. I'm working on what I could be. But the question is, when i get there will it even be me?