An Introduction to Mr. Ulf Heart:
Ulf Heart speaks 4 languages and smells of rich mahogany and leather bound books. He drinks beer with the Dos Equis guy. He is handsome, intelligent, talented, charming, witty, and above all, humble. Rumor has it that Ulf is a billionaire inventor, has worked at CIA, NSA, NASA and CERN, explored eight continents including Atlantis, won two Nobel prizes, a Pulitzer, six Grammys and People magazine’s 'Sexiest Man Alive' three years running.
In fact he is pleased to announce that he feels completely secure in his ongoing retirement since he regularly buys lottery tickets and was recently named a finalist in the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes.
Ulf was born as a baby in a small town behind the wall in western North Carolina so long ago that his birth certificate is in the national archives, so how he can claim to be 39 years old is anybody's guess. As an only child, a fact that greatly disturbed both his brother and sister, the first several weeks of his life were largely uneventful, with most of his limited attention directed towards eating, a habit that he still practices to this day. At just three years of age, the boy developed an unhealthy interest in baboons. This would go on to play an important role in his life. Just before his fourth birthday his family moved to a small town in Central North Carolina where the main tourist attraction was the lump on the mayor’s forehead.. Not to be undone by their trickery, he sneaked into the car and accompanied them. At the age of six he was left an orphan, but not knowing what to do with it he gave it back. Although the remainder of his early records are sealed by court order, we can tell you that, outside of once being bitten by the tooth fairy, he had a "typical childhood" with his "parents". A copy of his high school yearbook says he was voted as "Most Likely to Be Identified By His Dental Records." Later he attended, and was often asked to leave, several major colleges and universities in numerous states, finally earning a Masters Degree in Technology and Doctorates in both Psychology and Parapsychology.
In 1974, Ulf, an amateur subversive and devout agnostic, entered the record books as the first man to break all Ten Commandments in all fifty states in fifty days. Although the June 2-3 Missouri/Kansas cross border murder/idolatry spree casts a pall over the record, he remains proud of his accomplishment. It was during this period that he developed the ability to light cigarettes while his hands were handcuffed behind his back.
On July 4, 1976 he held the first annual Independence Day North Carolina Barbecue, Rock & Roll Doughnut Bacon Fest and Outdoor Brain Fry, and even after numerous evictions the yearly event remains a favorite of the friends who can pull together enough still firing brain cells to remember it on July 5th. Of course in recent years, there are a lot fewer people having sex in the backyard and practically no LSD. Ropes have become a lot more numerous...
Mr. Heart was involved in many, various contacts with alien cultures during his travels to the Aztec temples in Central Mexico. He considers these to be of great importance as this seemed to be a factor in his being the largest known repository of the Alpha Centauri IV (known locally as Pligbodop) language and culture.
Ulf has been known to occasionally imbibe in the consumption of adult beverages. Friends have noted that when he eats peanuts you can hear them splash. He once woke up in North Korea in early March and his last memory was the New Year's Eve party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
After many years working for small companies, went on to found and destroy a number of businesses of his own. Since he is no longer allowed to experiment with weapons of mass destruction, he spent 25 years working for a software systems company and now has recently retired as owner and Principal Consulting Engineer for his own consulting LLC.
Mr Heart enjoys acting in local plays, singing and performing stand-up comedy (unless prevented by a restraining order) and relates a much more interesting story of his life when he does so because, well, frankly, he lies a lot.
