DOM ISSUES

In Our Perfect Ways. In the Ways we are Beautiful In the Ways We are Human We are Here. Let’s make it Ours. Take the First Step in Faith

Don’t You Dare Forget, as You’re Creating a   New You, that There’s a Whole lot About the old You that is Worth Keeping.

May all Your Troubles Last as Long as Your New   Year’s Resolutions.Be Always at War With Your Vices, at Peace with Your Neighbors and If You Don’t Like Something, Change it. There’s Really No Limit to what You Can do ...Hope and Smiles from the Threshold of the year to come.

                             -WORK IN PROGRESS- 

I need it to hurt

Fuck, that hurts.

Hearing that will make my dick hard. As long as what I’m doing won’t injure her and it’s something she’s getting something positive out of, even if the only gratification for her is knowing she’s suffering for me and can see my elation, expressed clearly on my face.

I need it to hurt.

The kind of hurt that’ll make her try to break free from her bondage. The kind of hurt that will make her mind go dark and fuzzy and the only thing she’ll be able to focus on is the intense pain being violently brought upon her and the warm, glowing feeling of the endorphins flooding her system. The kind of impact from my blows that’ll leave her shaking and unable to stand on her own.

I want it to be a pain that no longer feels good, but is not overwhelming either. It’s the kind she can take, but I can see the struggle in her eyes, and my fucking god it’s a beautiful thing to see. That look of desperation, then a second later, perseverance mixed with an arousal that has her feeling slightly ashamed and vulnerable, but also comforted and safe.

It’s a moment, so complex and rich and colorful that the pain becomes something else for us both. It’s a way of creating a physically challenging moment that she’ll need my guidance to get through it and my comfort afterwards to positively process it.

I want to see her suffer, to wallow in the intensity of it all and scream out in pain, but I want it to be a moment that brings us closer together more importantly.

Because when you tear someone down to their naked truth, it’s impossible not to melt into them when their need for you is something real and genuine.

I need it to hurt, but I have good reasons for that need.

                      -Source- Innermind / Fetlife

Its be noted that no man should take on a submissive if he is not willing to accept the responsibility that comes with it. Subs are fragile creatures, whatever the dynamic: DDLG, Master/Slave, the duty of care is the same. Being Dominant isn’t always about being right, or being in charge, it is mastering that combination of a strong but soft disposition, understanding your sub’s needs and making sure she never feels alone in this journey. A sub bounces off her Dom’s energy, so regularly checking in on her can make all the difference, as sometimes admitting a subdrop can make her feel like she’s not good enough.

The comedown from subspace is ever so bittersweet. The act of submission is freeing but also draining, even for those who are not in a full time D/s relationship.  The fragility remains, and this is where she needs to know she matters, not just as a sub, but as a person. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, aftercare is important, but being human even more so – treat her with respect and she will obey, not only because she wants to, but because she needs to.

-Subdrop: an identity crisis-

With the intense nature of a D/s relationship, I think it is easy to see why subdrops are so common. They are certainly more intense than your average relationship- you invest yourself emotionally, and give a lot more of yourself to the other person, a side not just anyone gets to see.

And that is why I say handle with care. It can be easy to find yourself going through the motions in some cases, forgetting that your submissive may not always have the emotional strength some days to carry out certain tasks or duties. Fuck her like she is unbreakable, but care for her like she is a precious stone: rare and beautiful.  Remember that BDSM is about so much more than great sex, and just know that if she submits to you it’s because you stimulate her mind as well as her body; a delicious combination of power that will ignite a fire in both of you.

And once you have ignited that desire to submit, it can be difficult to extinguish, but once it’s gone, it can be difficult to find again. Your submissve may feel vulnerable and exposed, but this time the feelings are of confusion and uncertainty rather than freedom and comfort. Behind every sub is a woman who can be strong for herself, but craves someone to be stronger for her – and that role isn’t always as easy as one might think.

A Dominant needs their submissive just as much as their sub needs them – they are a team. Both will likely experience highs and lows during their journey, so it is important for both to communicate openly, and give themselves entirely without fear. Take care of each other, and in doing so, I guarantee that person will teach you to unashamedly embrace your hedonistic desires in a way many couldn’t even dream of doing.

what is power exchange?

A popular primer on BDSM written in 1995, “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns” by Philip Miller and Molly Devon, defines Power Exchange as the empowerment of the dominant by the submissive’s surrender to his/her control. Power exchange is consensual and should be well negotiated. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to the level of responsibility assumed by the Dominant. Basically, it’s the way D/s relationships of any type work. A submissive surrenders power and a Dominant assumes power. Most vanilla relationships work on an equality in role system, where partners flow in and out of being in control depending on the situation or activity involved. This is also where a lot of “guy jobs” and “girl jobs” develop in a relationship.

A power exchange is more rigidly defined. Couples discuss and negotiate who has what role and what that role looks like to them. A submissive will tell the Dominant what they will and won’t submit to and a Dominant has to agree to those terms to make it work. It’s a consensual negotiation process and depending on the level of power exchange, could involve a little or a lot of control. Power exchange is also the basis of all BDSM play. One person agrees to submit to the activity and the other agrees to be in control.

Going back to the book, Screw the Roses, Philip and Molly break down Power Exchange into five levels and I’m going to cover each one in turn. Keep in mind that these levels are the way the authors were able to break up the differences in Power Exchange relationships and might not be the best way to describe them now.

Levels of Power Exchange from Screw the Roses:

1: Conditional Compliance - The SM one-nighter, a limited exchange of power negotiated by a dom and sub for a single scene or brief period of play, such as overnight, one day or one weekend.

2: Restricted ongoing acquiescence - An agreement, negotiated by a dom and sub, to play casually for an extended period of time without serious emotional involvement. The two only have power exchange for play and do not interact outside of that, often called play partners in today’s lingo.

3: Provisional submission - An ongoing relationship negotiated between a dom and a sub characterized by power exchange and emotional involvement, but lacking serious commitment. This level has evolved, in my opinion, to be the style of D/s relationship that I’d consider to be bedroom only. The couple may have a committed relationship but the power exchange isn’t an integrated part. They could agree to only express D/s when in the bedroom, or on weekends or when a babysitter can be found.

4: Covenant of Dominant and submission - A deeply committed symbiotic relationship between a dominant and submissive. Power Exchange relationships of this type have elements of D/s throughout their daily living and identify as Dominant and submissive outside the bedroom and often have rules, rituals or ways to interact within the relationship to express the power exchange to each other.

5: Absolute Ownership - Used to mean an ongoing d/s relationship often involving Total Power Exchange where the submissive has surrendered all decisions to the Dominant. This is often described as a Master and slave relationship.

So, in review, Power Exchange is a way to interact with your partner where your roles are defined, you’ve negotiated control where one submits and the other dominates for an agreed period of time and is the basis for all BDSM interactions.

         * Not My Post But It's Very Educative*

Collaring is one of the biggest things in the BDSM community. It represents different areas of a person’s lifestyle. It can be erotic, romantic, or even degrading, depending on the individuals involved and the boundaries of the relationship itself. From my own research though, it primarily comes across as romantic and fun—but complicated.

BDSM, like so many other things, has made its way, with movies and literature supporting it, into the mainstream. But why would someone get into this into the first place? And in particular, what has put collaring more in the spotlight?

While I’ve touched on what has brought BDSM more attention, I can tell you that I see more and more people not just wearing their collars in private, but in public, in non-BDSM settings as well. 

WHAT IS COLLARING & WHERE DID IT START?

So, what is collaring? The shortest answer is nearly self-explanatory. It’s putting a collar around someone’s neck, and keeping it there for short or long duration as representing something in the relationship. There are many different types of collars. Some say you can trace collaring all the way back to Anne Boleyn. In certain uses, it can unfortunately be traced through the various systems of slavery. But most people believe its use began as recently as the 1950s. It’s a time when young girls would wear ankle bracelets indicating their own unavailability. Moving forward from there, we can easily trace it to BDSM supporters in the gay community. Like various other parts of their lives, this sub-community conducted much of their events in secret.

For some, collaring is comparable to marriage. As Annette, a gorgeous dancer and singer, points out: “I had a play partner who I was exploring the lifestyle with, under the watch of my mentor/Domme. We were learning skills and practicing on one another.  The more we played, we realized that His role as a Dom was preferred and He wanted me to be his submissive full- time. My Domme gave me to Him much like a father gives away his daughter at a wedding. We had a small collaring ceremony at Her home.”

But the main thing about collaring is that it is a form of consensual ownership between a dominant and a submissive.

Why Would Someone Want To Be Collared?

“Say please”

“Please…”

“I don’t believe you”

“Please, Sir, may I cum”?

“That’s better”

“Then he slid his fingers inside me again and pounded them on my g-spot with a fury that buckled my knees from under me. 

“After he allowed my climax, I felt something leather around my neck. He told me that he owned me.

“I enjoyed the ownership in the effect of feeling safe and cared for, beyond the physical aspect. He purposely got a pink collar and leash because at the time I despised the color pink. He used it as humiliation.“

– Autumn 

Different people want to be collared for different reasons. I spoke to Dr. Tracy Carlson, from her private practice as part of Connections Psychotherapy and Wellness (myconnectionwellness.com) in Kenner. “I am a licensed psychologist, and I’m certified as a sex therapist through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. So, part of my training is that I have to have knowledge of a number of aspects of sexual health and pleasure, and part of that includes an understanding of diversities and sexual expression and different lifestyles, so that includes, but not necessarily limited to polyamory, BDSM, and that sort of area. So, with my background in training, I did a two-year fellowship at the University of Minnesota’s program in sexuality, and that’s where I received a lot of my post-doctoral education and clinical experience.” 

Dr. Carlson treats everyone from individuals to providing therapy for couples including group therapy. Of BDSM, Dr. Carlson says, “Thinking about within the BDSM practice… there are several reasons individuals would engage in collars, and leashes for that matter. So, it can a sensation of having something around the neck, it can be a form of breath play, or a source of restraint as well. So, collars, when you think about it is a symbol of repression, when you think about it, right? So, they’re often used as a way to represent a consensual power exchange. So, some people might use a collar to help them to help get into different experiences, different personas. 

“So, for example, a dom might ‘take on’ a ‘sir’ or a ‘master’ persona. Or a sub might take on, a submissive or slave personae when using a collar. 

“…But another thing to think about is the reciprocal exchange of that, so that someone who wears a collar might not only be experiencing their own pleasure, of having the collar, and what that role means to them, but they might also experience pleasure by viewing their play with reaction to them wearing the collar as well.”

When wearing a collar some people enter subspace, which can control everything from what they eat to how they sleep, to who they can and cannot sleep with, she says, “Giving that consensual power to the other person. With the dom getting into that headspace, of being confident, of having control, over the other person.” 

Or, as Emily says, “When I met my fiancé, I didn’t know about the BDSM lifestyle at all. He showed me all of it and it sounded awesome to me. I knew I wanted him right away and I was willing to do anything. After a few months of being together he told me how collaring works and if I’d be willing to wear a collar for him and that’s it’s a big step. I was instantly ready to wear a collar for him and be his. I actually had my collar made by one of our friends. As soon as we started getting a little more serious, he explained to me that if I wanted to be his sub that I could, but that it was very important and I had to be sure it’s what I wanted. When I gave him an answer that’s when we got ahold of our friend to make my collar.”

In another instance, as Amanda puts it, a collar can be a form of protection, “Back in…2009 I believe…I became part of a family.  There were two Alphas with their own submissives/slaves. I ended up bonding with them as a family and submitted myself to both Alphas, but was never technically owned by them

“I would be a demo model for them, a liaison when we were at our usual dungeon space.  I was in service to them as they needed, excluding anything sexual.

“Both Alphas gave me a collar of protection.  A collar I would wear when with them in our spaces together.  Either one of them would put it on me when…and it would show that I belonged to them and the pack.”

How does it feel to be collared? 

Annette thinks it’s wonderful, “I’m not an expert on mental health but I am an expert on my own feelings. When I get anxious, I find that touching my collar (I wear it 24/7) helps remind me that I have someone on my team who cares for me deeply, that I’m not alone. It can be quite comforting.”

As far as other psychological benefits, Dr. Carlson explains, “Some people, it varies, so there could be a cathartic, to a spiritual, to a therapeutic benefit.” She adds, “Some individuals might experience a sense of freedom from social approved sexual practices. She continues, “So while they might be playing or in a scene some part of them could feel an increase of self-confidence, feel powerful, wanted. They might feel more attractive.” She adds, “It can also be a source of an increased sense of intimacy and connection in couples as well.”

How can a relationship change afterward?

Kelly, a magic shop owner and a submissive says, “I honestly felt and feel completely free. Like there’s no fear or rejection between us. He accepted me. And I’m home when he puts my collar on me.”

Jacob, who describes himself as a casual dom says, “The relationship for us changed. She felt protected, and freer. In my case, I felt more in control, and responsible for not just her well-being, but mine, too.”

What are the negatives?

The negatives associated with collaring have very little to do with the collaring itself and more to do with society, especially religion, Dr. Carlson says, “There can be shame associated with engaging in these practices if they’re in conflict with religious beliefs.”

What would you tell someone who is new but interested in it? 

Annette says, “Research! Read all you can. Talk. That 100% transparency with your partner, it is so very important. Doms can’t read minds and neither can subs. If you’re feeling some type of way, discuss it. Work through it. Collaring is not for everyone, make sure you both discuss boundaries and what you expect out of the collar BEFORE you lock it. Just like with sex, marriage or other big decisions, you do not have to rush. Don’t feel pressured on either side. You’ll appreciate that later on.”

Kevin, an artist and Dom gives this advice, “Don’t rush into it. This is the BDSM version of a wedding. People rush into things like this and in the process, they get hurt, and they hurt others. Take time and you’ll find that you end up happier.”

And most importantly, Dr. Carlson reminds us of the value of consent, “That’s the pillar of this, right? Safety and consent are priorities for practitioners of BDSM, that’s why they have the slogan, ‘Stay safe and consensual.’ The big part of this is being able to communicate that, and understanding each other’s needs and their ‘nos’–definite behaviors and experiences they are not open to. And there’s got to be that trust with the person who has the power in that temporary exchange. There has to be the trust that they’re gonna know what the sub is open to and what they are not open to.”

                Source:

https://www.bigeasymagazine.com/2019/08/01/sex-in-the-big-easy-keeping-your-submissive-collared/

I don’t care how long you’ve been doing this.

I don’t care if you’ve been in the lifestyle for two weeks or 40+ years.

I don’t care how old you are.

I don’t care how “well known” you are.

I don’t fucking care.

If you are making a submissive break a rule for the express purpose of punishing her for that rule break? You’re an abusive fuck.

If you make a rule that is “no cumming without permission” and then bind her mouth so she cannot beg and belabor her clit mercilessly until her body breaks and she orgasms beyond her own will, and for that, you punish her?

You are an abuser.

You are an abuser.

You are not controlling her mind. You are not bending her will. You are not a dom above doms. You are not an expert. You are not a master.

You are practicing mental and emotional abuse. You are breaking her. You are pushing beyond safety. You are pushing beyond consent.

This. Is. Abuse.

Submissives, eyes open. Ears open.

This is not complete surrender. This is not your utmost for his highest. This is your destruction for his delight.

Run.

To My Wild And Beautiful

It's Time…..

I get so emotional Every Time I reminisce about us from  the beginning…

The moment I step up at the restaurant in that Rainy Afternoon of West Virginia..I was running late like 95% of the time ….

How sceptical I was about You 

How Nothing make sense around You….

But the moment I hear Your voice time and everything around Me stop …

The moment You hug Me… the feel of your little tiny body the moment our skin  touched each other, the moment I look at Your big and Beautiful eyes, all my senses, all My confidence was going…

  I Been so lucky to meet so unique and awesome people from the FetLife community and other alternative sites Thank YOU all of You for let Me be part of the Journey...My Time has Come….   

  The END it's part of the Journey and I finally have my own conclusion I may be wrong but This is My Own..

  Everybody come to these sites and blogs to learn, Meet, share and express our self.

  But We all hope to find  the one and only at least I did...Until I tough she found Me……

I Remember We order sushi ...and I was so impressed at  You for eating raw fish …

How from the first moments You show Me how a Good Submissive You are and How Proud you carry it.

Still I have my doubts it's only been 5 minutes  since we walk from the door to our table…

You ask me what I would like to drink and I said "Mojito"..as soon our waitress came back You told her 2 Mojitos but our luck was no mint….We opted for a glass of wine"Moscato" 

I was staring at You the whole time, pay attention to Your white bottom shirt and how contrast from the most Gorgeous Dark hair I have ever seen, I wasn't able to stop looking at You.

  If You are a True  Genuine Dominant person regardless of your gender You will Understand this... You are being gifted No matter where you are and with who you are ...she/he will submit to You, if they are "Vanilla" they will eager and I'll crave to serve You…

  What I'm trying to say is basically is this: in My Journey I was looking for something... I thought I had found it or she found me but I realize I can get it at any time, because this is Me this is how I'M, I don't have to search for anything, just enjoy my life and don't worry about anything else

  The right person will come to our lives when the time is right

Sometimes is in front of us and we can't not see it..

  If you fail so be it  we are humans it's alright to fail and have mistakes...learn from it

  If your fail get up...the quicker You Do the better

After we have our Dinner and boost up on wine and have a deep conversation about life, and get to know each other..

telling me about how You want Your double citizenship about moving to Amsterdam in the future.

I ask about Your Likes and dislikes.

Gosh Time flies when you're having such a good conversation it's being nearly 3hrs.

I ask You if you want to get a drink somewhere else and you replied Yes….

We left the restaurant... I grab your tiny and precious hand, as we walk to our vehicles you decide to ride with me…..

  For those true Submissive's be smart of who You put Your trust, one thing is being submissive and have tolerance for pain structure discipline.

  And another one is being with and abusive partner ...look the pattern always speak Your self 

Don't be afraid.

  Whiteout a Submissive a Dom can't Exists.

  You are more important of what You Think.

You took Me to the local bar, as I was parking I ask if I can kiss You ...You said Yes! And that feeling of me touching Your lips it's something I can't not describe yet

We walked inside the bar again me holding your little tiny and precious hand 

I order a crown/coke Which was our drink of choice since then

And we keep talking and talking You told me You love Tina Fey and how Lady Gaga was in Love with Bradley Cooper..lol

I remember I pull the stool where you sat with my hand closer to Me and I kiss You ... You said "those little things turn you on"

Next thing I know you when to pee and I ask you to bring Me your panties...and you did.  As the "Good Girl" You was.

   What we need to "Label" things, why do we have to make distinction of roles when in reality we need of each other's.

You offer Me Your body give me Your submission without knowing Me, You trust Me.

And I Hurt You at  the end No by choice just to protect myself..

I was selfish.

I Fight for You.. 

I choose You.. 

But wasn't enough for You …

It's time to Let Go and move forward.

               Goodbye "Future Wife"(K)

In isolation, you have no one to turn to for help. One of the single most disturbing types of asks I have gotten over the years have been from submissive people who find themselves in an unhealthy relationship with a partner they are living with, but have nowhere to go, and no one to support their leaving. Once you cease trusting someone’s intentions toward you, you need to have a place to bail to, and people who will support a healthy decision to get out, and start over. Without a backup plan, an abusive relationship is able to evolve unchecked, with the abuser able to feel like they have the run on their destructive behavior without accountability. 

Once an abuser understands that you have support, and that their behavior may lead them to trouble with the law, obliterate their reputation within a community of kink, or in any way become answerable for their actions, it becomes more complicated for an abuser to run the table on your limits and consent. 

It is in no way fucked up to ask a prospective Dominant who you can talk to about them, or just go on your own accord to ask people you know who are their acquaintances what kind of partner they perceive they would be for you. A good and safe candidate for a Dominant would understand this as a safety practice, and not become offended. Any Dominant who becomes incensed by you asking for, or going and digging for references, is likely someone with shitty things they’ve done that they want to keep hidden. If he doesn’t have submissives he’s cared for in the past that can talk highly of him, how likely is it that you will be the first that does?

How can learning keep you safe? You’re reading this post, aren’t you? If you take to heart some of what is laid out herein, will you not be safer? The more you know about the rules and etiquette surrounding kink, the less likely you are to be taken in by those who aren’t interested in pesky “safewords”, or other obvious signs you’re not speaking to someone who should be considered for your submission.  

* FIRST  MEETINGS "DO IT IN PUBLIC"

* TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU’RE DOING

*SCREENING CANDIDATES  

*SAFEWORDS  

              [Be A Smart and Safe Submissive]