DOM ISSUES

Consensual Non-Consent or “CNC” is one of the more controversial forms of interaction that exists in BDSM/kink lifestyles and circles. The basic definition is that a person gives explicit consent for another person or group to do whatever they wish to the consenting party. There are various levels to this sort of thing that range from play to full-on ‘ownership’ of one person to another.

Types of CNC:

CNC in Play – This is where two parties come together and engage in consensual non-consent for a set period of time. Once the play is over, the consent is also over. Safewords and signals are useful here, because in the realm of CNC, “no” does not necessarily mean “no”. Or rather, “no” may be absolutely meant by the party saying it, but may be ignored by the other. If it is in text, then your imaginations are about the limit.

CNC Play within Relationships – This is essentially the same as the former instance, where partners who are in a consenting relationship may engage in ‘scenes’ in which one party consents to non-consensual situations. Again, we recommend safewords or signals for this type of play. Once the play stops, the consent is also revoked until the next CNC play session.

CNC as a Relationship Parameter – This is the most risky, yet rewarding for those who have this element in their relationships. Consent is given once at some point during the forming of the relationship, and it is not revoked until the relationship is ended.

The Difference – CNC vs. Master/slave:

While Master/slave relationships work like this to an extent, many of those have negotiated sets of limits and expected behaviour. A relationship that is formed with CNC as one of the fundamental parameters of the relationship does not come along with these types of negotiations. The submissive should absolutely trust in their partner’s judgment, strength of character, and ability to differentiate between things that are ultimately safe and those that are not for the submissive’s overall health, both physical and mental. CNC is encompassed within a TPE [total power exchange] dynamic that exists all the time, and any rules that exist are at the decision of the dominant party.

CNC during play is different in that it is for a set period of time, regardless of whether it happens in the parameters of a committed relationship or between two partners simply engaging in play.

Considerations:

We tend to recommend that people who do not know one another or do not have some modicum of trust between them should probably avoid CNC altogether in any instance. In terms of staff involvement on Cuff-Link, we will look to see if the consenting party did give consent for the play or CNC elements of a relationship, and if they did, if a signal/word was set up prior to engaging for the play to stop or assured that a committed relationship has ended. This is useful in logs if we have to intervene on a user’s behalf.

Please observe network rules and be aware that certain language, including the use of the word “rape”, is perfectly acceptable within the realm of consensual non-consent. We prefer that this type of language be used only in private messages or in channels where it is clear that such a relationship exists as it could be incredibly confusing to people just showing up and witnessing it. It is also highly offensive to a lot of people for that particular word and other language, such as what might be used in the midst of race play, to be used in public. On the subject of rape, it is only permissible in private and within the parameters of a set TPE relationship. We do not support nor advocate this inclusion in CNC activities for anyone who is not in a committed relationship of this nature to engage in this type of exchange.

There are a few things which, if brought to the attention of the Network Administrators, will result in consequences. While we understand that CNC exists, and a couple of the staff are engaged in TPE relationships so are sympathetic and supportive of others who choose to engage with their partners at such an intimate level, the following are considered overall unhealthy and not sane, nor can they be stopped or remedied if a relationship ends:

Blackmail/detrimental coercion
Cannibalism/vore
Snuff [including crush fetish]
Abduction
Human trafficking
Again, we also understand that a good number of people who use Cuff-Link are keeping their activities to a textual basis, there are almost as many people who choose to move their play or relationships offline, so we treat everything as though it is offline as much as possible to avoid having to muddle through two sets of rules.

It is also advisable for those who are not in committed relationships to be extremely careful with their play partners, especially if they move their activities from the textual safety of the IRC network into offline areas. People need to be aware that the law in most countries will almost always not see this type of consent as a legally binding form of consent, so trust between partners is paramount — be sure that, as the party to whom consent was given for any activity at all, you are accepting consent from someone who is not prone to vindictive tendencies.

If you engage in CNC activities, please be sure to:

If you are the submissive: Express explicit consent for CNC, and if you wish for the CNC to end, explicitly state that you have revoked consent and/or the relationship whereby CNC as an integral part is over.
If you are the dominant: Respect the revocation of consent, whether it is for a set scene or if a relationship comes to an end.

Now I know that the end comes You knew since the beginning
Didn't want to believe it's true You are alone again, my soul will be with you
Why's the clock even running if my world isn't turning?
Hear your voice in the doorway wind You are alone again, I'm only waiting
You tear into pieces my heart Before you leave with no repentance
I cried to you, my tears turn into blood I'm ready to surrender
You say that I take it too hard And all I ask is comprehension
Bring back to you a piece of my broken heart
I'm ready to surrender
I remember the moments Life was short for the romance
Like a rose it will fade away I'm leaving everything
No regrets, war is over The return of a soldier
Put my hands on my bleeding heart
I'm leaving all behind, no longer waiting.

Something it's telling me inside it's Time I try over and over give many chances and NOTHING. Do I ask for too much? I being accused of being Hot and Cold I try to be consistent but how can I be when the only thing I have and return it's Nothing no even the simple things in a commitment...why I keep doing this to myself  I Think it's time.

When I put My arms around You

and pull You so close that

I can feel Your heart beating,

A passion rises within Me

like I've never known before.

Just the sound of Your voice,

the smell of Your skin,

or the slightest brush of Your hand,

can excite me beyond My imagination.

You are the love of My life

and You have touched Me in a way,

I've never been touched before.

Sometimes, when I think of You

I have an overwhelming desire

to simply wrap You up in hugs

and smother You with kisses.

I Love You...

Dominance and submission is, as I have said before, a dance. It is a power exchange. Note the use of that word: exchange. Give and take. Push and pull. Left and right. Lead and follow. 

Something has to be given to be taken, and when a facet is missing, the dance is a stumble, a drag, a collapse. And someone ends up being dragged across the floor on their face, bleeding and frightened. 

(This can apply to any part of the power exchange)

I have heard some “dominants” express the following: “asking me to make changes or telling me you don’t like how I’m handling things is topping from the bottom and it’s a sign of a poor submissive.”

No. Wrong. Try again. 

Topping from the bottom is when a submissive uses manipulation to get what they want from their Dominant. It is a method of dishonesty and one I find appalling. 

But attempting to sit down with their Dominant and lay out needs, desires, fears, and concerns about the dynamic and what needs to change for their own mental/physical/emotional health as a person and as a submissive? That is not “topping from the bottom.” That is called being in a relationship. That is called being a human being who is exchanging their power and who deserves a great deal of care and keeping to make sure that this exchange does not turn into abuse. 

I am one to believe that emotional abuse happens in D/s relationships almost more than physical abuse. There doesn’t tend to be a safe word when emotional lines are crossed, when submissives are left feeling alone or silenced because “that’s how it works.” And maybe there should be. 

This is why I am a huge supporter of meta talks, of Dominants and submissives sitting down (as Sir and R, not just as T— and R—-) and working out questions, thoughts, and concerns in a non-scene but still D/s mentality. 

Dominants: your submissive is giving a massive part of themselves to you. You are opening doors that very few people, if any, ever get to open. You are witness to emotions, desires, feelings, and fears that may never have seen the light of day before you entered their lives. 

You cannot silence them because you are the boss. That turns you into an abuser, not a Dominant. That strips your authority and your footing away and shows you as an insecure manipulator using the power you have over this person to get your way despite what emotion wreckage is lingering under the surface. 

Submissives: your Dominant has to hear from you. They are not mind-readers. They are not psychic. You have to share your heart when they ask to hear it. If you are in a situation where you are terrified that you will lose the relationship or that they will react in physical or emotional anger or intimidation over your need to be heard? That is a red flag that cannot must not must never be ignored. 

Power exchanges require word exchanges. 

Power exchanges require emotional work. 

Power exchanges require talking, listening, communication, sharing, openness, and trust. 

Without those things? 

We’re just a big man with a stick standing over a frightened little girl. 

• putting their hand on your back to lead you • paying for you • saying “no” in a stern but caring voice • opening doors or boxes for you • giving you reasonable instructions • ordering the food for you • telling you “come here” and/or pointing to the ground in front of them where they want you • fixing up your outfit/appearance (such as buttoning up your shirt, tying Your shoes or fixing your hair) • lifting your chin up • saying “look at me” •

My early beliefs about D/s were shaped by a series of pretty emotionally abusive relationships. And by shit I read in the weird crevices of the internet. For a long time, I didn’t know any better.

Pair that with the fact that I’m a perfectionist and you got some pretty dicey situations. And I’m not talking oh, I like to do well - I’m talking a nearly pathological need to be perfect. 

I used to think the perfect sub would take whatever they were given and beg for more. I used to think the perfect sub would never have to use their safeword. I used to think the perfect sub was always willing, ready, and available. 

I used to think the perfect sub didn’t have limits. Or that if they did then they’d happily push and test and abandon those limits to please their Dom(me). 

I used to think the perfect sub didn’t make waves, didn’t ask for too much, and didn’t need more than what they were given. 

I used to think the perfect sub was focused entirely on the relationship and on pleasing their Dom(me) and that nothing was ever - EVER - more important than that.

I used to think the perfect sub was pleasing, quiet, agreeable, soft, and pliant. Always. Without exception.

But now I know better.

The perfect sub has limits and safewords when it gets to be too much. The perfect sub is not afraid to safeword whenever and wherever they need to.

The perfect sub has needs and speaks up about those needs because they know that their Dom(me) is not a mind reader.

The perfect sub has expectations and requirements and beliefs that they bring to the relationship. The perfect sub has deal breakers and things that will not be negotiated.

The perfect sub is not always ready, not always willing, and not always available - and that’s okay.

The perfect sub has a life and focus outside of the relationship. The perfect sub has interests and hobbies and friends and a life. And sometimes that life requires attention.

The perfect sub doesn’t necessarily like everything that’s depicted in porn. The perfect sub can’t necessarily deepthroat or take a spanking or be tied up in elaborate positions.

The perfect sub knows that communication is key. And knows that it’s okay to stand up for themselves. And knows that their Dom(me) is not a god but a human.

And the perfect sub is human too. Which means that they’re not really perfect at all.

And that’s okay.

I’m learning.

- A dominant man will not start off with, ‘Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my message!’ There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to ‘block n’ move on.’ (I would advise ladies to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short). Ignore the Insta-Dom.

- A dominant man will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Getting dates or getting laid is not his problem; he can find women on kink sites, at work, or in the grocery store. He knows women, and women are drawn to him. Many women, kink or vanilla, prefer a man who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a ‘Dom’ becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t write him back every other hour, chances are he has a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

- A dominant man most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job, most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. Though he may not be a millionaire, look for the man who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in his chosen endeavour.

- A dominant man will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The dominant guy loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to him.

- A dominant man is likely to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The dominant man has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left him bereft of sport, so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of a Don Juan, if not Don himself; not a womaniser per se, but certainly sexually advanced.

- A dominant man may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

- A dominant man will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in his choices as he finds his way.

- A dominant man will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The dominant guy knows he is not All Knowing, for he is human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not dominant.

- A dominant man will never send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely that he’ll have one on his profile.

- A dominant man will not beg you for naked photographs. In fact, he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).

- A dominant man will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If he’s married to vanilla, he’ll simply say so. If he’s dating vanilla, he’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less he’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The dominant guy is straightforward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached, will be forthcoming with that information. If he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, he will say so. He made his choice and is going for it.

- A dominant man won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying ‘dom’ will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. A man who attempts to get with a woman he cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

- A dominant man will not be heavy handed in his approach. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall. In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s. A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant man needs you like he needs air. He wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because he has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because he has earned it and deserves it.

If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, he is not a dominant man.

what do you want from me?
I don’t even know where to begin
I don’t know which direction I’m in
It’s too messy in my head,
unlike my room
they always want and I have nothing to give
can’t you see I’m searching for a reason to live?
I’m still looking in the mirror to see where I’m at
It’s harder to see when it’s dark
But there’s beauty in the pain, like a masterpiece of art
I told you I’m a nightmare and you’re living in a dream

DOM ISSUES 101-
We all hear all the time about protect and take good care of our submissive partner's and we constantly post and look for the red flags for what they need to look so they don't get in/on an uncomfortable situations and all that it's fantastic and nothing wrong with that all good…. I strongly believe and encourage such"campaign" ……

But what about the ones in control what about the Dom's ...who looks after them.

We all know a real Dom's it's always in control of the Relation/Dynamics because we are allowed to have it such gift was given ..
And we think we are special ..
But be aware that also can be used against us.

-We never demand we earn it.-
That's what we want to believe but sometimes we don't earn it it's just part of what they want us to believe a game bigger or what we are use to deal with.

I get a lot of emails lately for other Dom's witch they being getting on awful situation they are being manipulated they are being played they are being used because
when we open to someone we do hard we don't keep nothing to our self we give everything at once when we got to the point of trust,
But c'mon guys we all know that Extra sense the ones is telling us to don't do it ...better start listening and believing in what our brain and guts are telling us.
The true colors always show at one point or another.

So if you "submissive" always has an excuse never had the time only when it's convenient for her and she lies over and over don't confronted her just leave ...is not worth it .
And it's not because she's being bratty and she wants to be put on her place it's because you are NOT her priority and that's ok, there are many others out there that be worth it for YOU!
Be careful OUT THERE D's