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Sadie's Sweets

Wicked and sweet thoughts of a sadist.
7 months ago. August 25, 2023 at 6:02 PM

Past trauma can significantly impact current BDSM scenes, creating complex dynamics that require careful consideration and sensitivity. When participants carry unresolved trauma, the experience can trigger intense emotional reactions and hinder their ability to fully engage in the activities. This is one of the many reasons that it’s important to identify and account for potential triggers when negotiating a scene.

Trauma can manifest in a variety of ways during BDSM scenes. For survivors, certain actions, words, or power dynamics may inadvertently trigger memories or emotions associated with their past traumas. This can lead to distress, anxiety, dissociation, or even retraumatization. Trust is a fundamental element of BDSM, and past experiences of betrayal or violation can make it challenging for individuals to surrender control, relinquish power, or take and receive power and control, because it can trigger a sense of vulnerability reminiscent of their traumatic experiences.

Communication becomes crucial in navigating BDSM scenes with a history of trauma. Open and honest conversations about triggers, boundaries, and safe words are essential to ensure that all parties involved feel secure and respected. Trauma-informed practices, such as checking in frequently and prioritizing aftercare, are necessary to create a safe environment for healing and exploration. Planning ahead is key in this process and in negotiations. It allows you to foresee what might go wrong and plan for what to do if it does.

The intersection of past trauma and BDSM scenes is a complex terrain that requires sensitivity, communication, and understanding. It's essential for all parties involved to approach scene negotiations with empathy and awareness, recognizing the potential triggers and challenges that may arise. By fostering an environment of trust, communication, and mutual consent, individuals can negotiate for seamless scenes.

If you want to learn more about how to negotiate exciting and powerful scenes join me for the Negotiation For Seamless Scenes Online Class check out the listing here on TheCage.co

7 months ago. August 17, 2023 at 6:01 PM

We negotiate tens of times per day if not more. Often, we don't even know we're in a negotiation. When we aren't aware of the negotiation skills we need we are left at a distinct disadvantage. Let's be real - it's rare to find a person who is focused on your best interest, besides yourself of course. This is why empowering yourself with negotiation skills is important in life as well as your BDSM scenes. 

Negotiation is Communication

At its heart, negotiation is simply communication. Structured communication, but communication nonetheless. Communication is at the core of BDSM relationships, so it's valuable to take time to learn these skills. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is a great communicator. Just because you're born speaking a language doesn't mean you can convey the nuances of the meaning you want to get across. The massive amount of personal development books focused on negotiation is testament to individuals needing to learn these skills.

Negotiation and BDSM

If I can give you one tip for negotiating a stellar scene with a new or new to you partner it would be this: negotiate to yes only. This means that during the scene you only do what was a clear "yes" in negotiations. They'll be time for pushing limits and surprises later. In your first scene with someone you're laying down the foundation for what will hopefully be a long play relationship. Take your time and enjoy!

What’s the best scene negotiation tip you have? Feel free to share in the comments!

If you want to learn more about how to negotiate exciting and powerful scenes join me for the Negotiation For Seamless Scenes Online Class listed in the Events section right here on TheCage.co!

8 months ago. July 27, 2023 at 4:25 PM

Consent needs to be clear, definitive, and intentional. It doesn't need to be enthusiastic. A contested view, I dare say. However, requiring consent to be enthusiastic does a disservice to a lot of people, not to mention that enthusiasm can look different on different people.


A person on my Facebook said something to the effect of, paraphrasing: “We live in a world of enthusiastic consent now.”


No. No we don’t. I believe we should live in a world of consent, for sure, but in reality we do not. To tell other people otherwise is to not only mislead them, but also diminish their capacity for informed consent and informed risk assessment. 


A quick Google search will give you articles and books on “how to get past no,” “how to get to yes.” and so on. From sales people to health care workers, employees of all types are trained to push past someone’s “no”. This is reality and trying to sweep it under the rug leaves more people vulnerable than it helps. We can, we must hold both reality and our goal for reality in our minds at the same time and plan accordingly. 


Requiring consent to be enthusiastic may put unnecessary limitations on those who are neurodivergent, have cultural differences, or are not exactly the ‘enthusiastic’ type. Some people simply cannot or will not express enthusiasm in a stereotypically socio normative way and it doesn't seem fair to gatekeep them because of it.


Or perhaps my partner has a mighty need to have sex with me but I’m not in the mood. However, I love my partner and I want to satisfy their need. My consent will be clear, but it’s not really going to be enthusiastic. I still want to have sex - just not at the I-just-snorted-two-pixie-styx-one-in-each-nostral-jumping-up-and-down-fuck-me-fuck-me-now kind of intensity level.


Epic levels of enthusiasm are not needed for clear, definitive, and intentions consent. And, while it can be fun, you don’t need to be over the top enthusiastic to have consensual sex.


How enthusiastically do you consent to sex? Share in the comments if you desire.


If you want to learn more about consent and how to enforce your boundaries check out my event listing here on TheCage.co!

8 months ago. July 3, 2023 at 5:08 PM

It’s a mystery to me where I fall on the Poly Continuum. I’d always thought that I was a monogamous person. In fact, when filling out my profile I initially chose monogamous. I joined a group to connect with other monogamous people only to find out that according to them, I wasn’t. So I left that group with no hard feelings because it’s their group, their rules.


It did leave me wondering though which bucket I fell into. They believed that to be monogamous you had to do everything with your one partner. Well, I played with several people at the time, still do, and probably always will to some extent. So I took monogamous off my profile.


Even so, I didn’t feel comfortable putting Poly on my profile. It just didn’t feel completely true for me. At least not from what I was reading. In time, I did an amazing Podcast interview with D20Domme (check out podcasts here on thecage) and learned a bit about Polyandry and that seems to suit me well. 


For many years I struggled with labels. I don’t anymore. I’m me and that’s it. While I currently, technically practice Polyandry I still don’t identify as Poly. And that’s ok. I’m still learning and growing. 


How do you relate to Polyamory? Feel free to share in the comments.


Curious about Polyamory? We’re reading and discussing “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern. (Check out events here on thecage).

9 months ago. June 24, 2023 at 5:44 PM

Some years ago, I wore a horror cosplay to a playparty. I was one of the people running the party and the cosplay I chose did fit the party’s theme. Near the end of the party one of the elders in the community took me aside and said what amounted to (paraphrasing) – your cosplay is disgusting, you’re disgusting, and you shouldn’t show up like this.

 

Unfortunately, I bought into the This-Is-The-Way-It’s-Done mentality, set aside my agency, and took it to heart. I didn’t wear cosplay to a party for a long, long time. I was trying to be what everyone wanted. To make the parties the best they could be. Often, I was doing it at my own expense.

 

It took me a while, a lot of thought work, and some very supportive people in my life to learn that what that elder had said was an opinion. And, elder or no, I didn’t have to abide by it.  It’s shaped me quite a bit and I actively encourage people to be themselves, live the lifestyle as it suits them. We’re not supposed to be kink shaming anyway.

 

Sometimes, now, when similar things happen, I strive to view the situation as if I were a scientist observing the behavior of an interesting subject. This gives me the distance I need to evaluate the information available and then I CHOOSE whether it’s something I want to incorporate in my life.

 

How do you handle these types of challenges? Let me know in the comments!

 

Check out the Cage.co calendar to see my upcoming events!

9 months ago. June 18, 2023 at 5:21 PM

For the longest time as a Top I used to suck it up and tough it out. For so long I feel for that garbage believe that Tops must be Tuff ™. Now, I reach out to the bottom that I played with for comfort. To check in and make sure I’m not a monster for the things I said. Even though everything is consensual, when those endorphins disappear, you can start to question yourself and that is 100% normal.

 

Recently, I’ve also had comfort food around to help sooth me. I love broth, even in the summer, and that is a really comforting feeling to sip on scalding hot tomato broth.

 

One thing I plan to try going forward is naming 5 things I see in my environment. To remind myself that nothing bad is currently happening to me, that this is just a thought driven/brain chemical response. Or, if you have Pagan leanings like I do, to ground/Earth myself.

 

What do you do to manage your sub/Top drop? Let me know in the comments!

 

Check out the Events section here on The Cage to see my current events!

11 months ago. April 27, 2023 at 12:00 AM

From the first day I walked into a Dungeon, BDSM has improved my self-esteem. Just being surrounded by people who were interested in the same -at the time I thought 'weird' - stuff as I was made me feel like I belonged.


As a person of size, I felt welcomed. Some people were overtly attracted to my body and that was refreshing. Most people were interested in my mind and my perversions and simply accepted my body as a part of that. This was also wonderful.


Most of all, BDSM helped me to understand that nothing was wrong with me. And that greatly improved my self-esteem.


What about you?

11 months ago. April 19, 2023 at 12:42 PM

How does the way you communicate in your BDSM relationships influence the way you communicate in your mundane relationships?

For me, it's consent. I am hyper aware of all the little ways people in the mundane world have no respect for consent. From "awww come on" from one friend to another who doesn't want to have a beer or to a family member who nags "just stay a little longer" when another family member says they have to leave, people are constantly trying to control you. From spending so much time in BDSM I've come to expect people to respect my "no" so it's always shocking out in the mundane world when people just try to steam roll my "no".

What about you?

11 months ago. April 5, 2023 at 5:26 PM

When entering a scene, it can be good to let go and be fully yourself. What’s one thing you let go of?

 

I let go of societal and my own preconceived notions of how a Domme “should” be and let my natural dominance flow.

 

What about you?

What do you let go of?

What would you like to let go of in the future?

1 year ago. March 13, 2023 at 12:47 AM

This is true for my munch and probably many others.

 

Be able to say and receive “no”

This munch is best enjoyed when you are able to say and receive a “no.” Whether the issue is simple or complex being able to say “no” is important. From “can I have one of your French fries” to “I’m sorry, I’m not interested” it’s expected that “no” (if applicable) will be said and received graciously.

 

Be considerate

This munch is a social event and as such as many people as possible should be able to enjoy it. Share the speaking time. Allow people to finish their sentences. Be kind. Be inclusive.

 

Be your expectation

Your energy contributes greatly to the ambiance of this munch. If you’d like a warm welcoming munch do your best to be warm and welcoming. If you’d like a calm, introspective munch, embody that.

 

Be respectful

Everyone is coming in with different goals and energies. Please try to match or respect those energies while staying true to your own goals and energies.