Sadie's Sweets

Gooey with post scene happiness my sub slides off the cross into the warm embrace of the blanket I’ve prepared for her. We cuddle and caress each other while cooing reassurances that follow a successful scene. Aftercare is the third act grand finally of Kinky play. There are so many things which I love about it and here are just a few.

Cuddling

I love to cuddle. Physical closeness is important to me after play and aftercare holds space for it. Skin on skin, whether romantic or platonic strengthens my connection with my partner and gives us a chance to bask in the afterglow of a great scene. Arms intertwined and sweaty together, we can relax as two halves of one whole. Physical closeness helps to equalize your body after play while preparing you for your return to the mundane world. Like a magical seal, cuddling during aftercare allows the good feelings to sink into you and stay.

Reassurance

Aftercare is the perfect post scene time to reassure my sub that they’ve pleased me while they reassure me that I delivered a skillful scene. Tops, subs, and everyone in-between need aftercare. Whether it’s to be assured that no, you’re not a monster for delivering that delicious beating or yes you did in fact, please me, aftercare is a need that can be experienced by all. Additionally, whether people want to admit it or not, they like to be reassured.

Preparing For Re-entry

The highs of a fantastic scene are indeed blissful. Returning to mundane life? Not so much. Aftercare eases the transition from the high point to the baseline of everyday life. From drinking water and having a snack to help equalize the adrenaline rush to having quiet time to reflect on the wonders of your scene, after care helps creates an easier path to reenter normalcy.

What do you like about aftercare? Feel free to share with me in the comments below!

Protecting yourself against shame may seem like an endless chore. We live in a judgmental world, and people are eager to say something negative in attempt to humiliate you. The more tools you have to help you in your endeavor to protect your authentic expression the better off you will be. These two truths pave the way to fearless self-expression of your individuality.

Someone Will Hate You and/or What You Do

There’s no question. Someone already hates you. You have your own personal hater – or several. They just haven’t made themselves know to you yet. This concept frees you by eliminating the worry that you might make someone hate or dislike you. Honestly, this behavior is more an expression of who they are as a person. Suffice it to say that the psychology of a hater is an interesting study. They live to hate, no matter who, and it doesn’t matter if it’s you. They don’t care. So strive not to worry. Haters gonna hate after all.

Someone Will Love You and/or What You Do

In the militant world of cancel culture you can easily become so fearful that you don’t move forward, or even move at all. However, no matter what you do, someone is going to love it or you. I’ve seen people who’ve singlehandedly destroy groups and attempt to destroy people who walk around with their beloved followers in tow. There’s nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to make everyone hate you. Someone will love you. Not that this is a challenge!

Take comfort in this knowledge and live your life by your own rules. Let the lovers and the haters fall where they may. One thing is certain, you’ll be happier.

Recently, a friend commented on my flexibility and mentioned that I should consider using my platform to create a something like a flexibility program for kinksters. At first, I laughed, and then I thought it might be a great idea. So here is my debut attempt. But first, please read the obligatory disclaimer listed at the end of this writing.

Goal: Resting your butt on your feet when you kneel.

Strength First

I’m double jointed, or hypermobile. It sounds fantastic, I’m flexible, and I can do neat tricks, but it all comes at a cost. I do experience a lot of pain and I must work on my strength. Strength supports flexibility. There’s a relationship and a balance between the two. Before we try for flexibility, we should prepare with strength in most cases. So, our first exercise is strength based.

Exercise 1: Leg Raise for Kneeling

Step 1. Raise your leg in front of you as if you were marching.
Step 2. Bring your ankle to your butt, alternating having your foot pointed and relaxed.
Step 3. Hold for 10 seconds.
Step 4. Repeat 10x

Modifications: Leg Raise for Kneeling

You need to start where you are able. If you can’t do this standing, do it laying down and build your strength that way until you are able to do it while standing up. Bring your ankle as close to your butt as possible and try for a little more. It’s this push for a little more (progressive overload) that develops your strength.

Recommendations: Leg Raise for Kneeling

For balance, I recommend doing the same exercise with your thigh pointed straight down (just raising your ankle to your butt) and with your thigh extended as far back behind you as possible. Remember to alternate your foot being pointed out and at a natural angle.

Exercise 2: In Practice Active Stretch

Step 1 – Get on your knees on something soft like a yoga mat.
Step 2 – Kneel up as if you were praying (or sucking cock).
Step 3 – Slowly lower your butt to your ankles as if you were kneeling for your Master. Go as far as you can go, then hold for 10 seconds.
Step 4 – Return to the position in step 2.
Step 5 – Repeat 10x

Modifications: In Practice Active Stretch

If you are unable to kneel in step 2 position, use a chair to help you. Place a chair in front of you. You can use it to help you get up and down from your knees you can also use it to help you lower your butt to your ankles. Start where you can and work slowly to where you need to be.

Recommendations: In Practice Active Stretch

This is an active stretch, so the goal is to be engaging your muscles the whole time. Avoid ‘relaxing into it’ when you finally get your butt to your ankles or as low as you can go. If you ‘relax into it’ you’ll be applying your full weight to your muscles and making it a passive stretch which increases the risk of injury.

Let me know how this works for you and if you’re interested in more information like this! Practice well and happy kneeling!

Obligatory Disclaimer

Please keep in mind that all opinions expressed here are solely my own. While I am currently completing my Yoga Instructor Certification, I am not a physician, nutritionist, or registered dietitian. Information provided may relate to exercise, fitness, diet, and nutrition and is intended for your personal use and informational purposes only. You should consult with a physician before beginning any exercise, fitness, diet, or nutrition routine, especially if you are pregnant of have pre-existing health conditions. If you experience any pain or difficulty with any exercises, stop immediately. Nothing contained here should be considered as medical advice or diagnosis. While every effort is made to present accurate and reliable information, we do not guarantee its accuracy, and our not responsible for errors or omissions. I disclaim any liability for the decisions you make based on this information. I am not responsible for content found on any other websites linked to by this site, nor by any sites that link to this, whether directly or indirectly. Your use of this writing is solely at your own risk.

“Read twice as much as you write” is advice frequently given to writers and authors that could easily apply to anything in life. A perfect fit in the kink department too, “Watch (or read!) twice as much as you play” would be the perfect adage. The reasons for watching two times more you do are many, here’s three.

Educate Yourself

From expressly educational content to entertainment there’s a lot you can learned. One benefit is discovering technique that can take a good scene to a higher, more phenomenal level and educational content is a good place to find those tips and tricks. Who doesn’t want to make their scenes better? Additionally, trying out new things can be fun and titillating. Learning technique will also help you discover which scenes you can safely recreate from the porn you watched. Exploring educational content helps you improve what you do, giving you and your partners a superior experience.

Get Inspired

Watching others play or reading kink stories can generate a lot of new ideas for you and your partner(s). On the Topside, well, sometimes you can develop “writers block”. Repeating the scenes you love is often delightful and fulfilling. Creating new scenes though keeps the experience from becoming predictable. Trying new things also injects a bit of “new relationship energy” into your scene hyper-sensitizing the players and elevating your experience.

Tide Yourself Over

If you find yourself without an available play partner due to relationship change, illness, or some other reason, consuming kink content by watching or reading can help fill that gap in your life. It’s difficult when you can’t do what you love. However, if you use your down time to make lists of new things you want to try and expand your knowledge of how to do those things, you’ll at least be ready with a whole new creative “toy bag” when you’re ready to play again. Best of all, watching and reading can distract you from the sadness of not having a current play partner.

So, when you find yourself in a rut, between partners, or sick capitalize on the situation and use it as an opportunity to explore the wild world of kink content. You just might make yourself a more skilled, more creative, and more desired play partner when you’re ready to return to the scene.

Next week: Kneel For Your Master

One of the most empowering things I read pointed out that how week view something can make an incredible difference in our feelings of agency. While I can’t locate the exact piece of writing now, it was shared widely on social media, it can be summed up like this:

They don’t make racist remarks because I’m a person of color they make racist remarks because they are bigots.

This reframing is something to work on internalizing. It’s made a big difference in my mental health, and I believe it will help others as well.

Language Matters

How we speak to others and most of all ourselves can make a huge difference in the outcomes of most situations. Studies have shown that people that wish to lose weight who say “I don’t eat that” instead of “I can’t eat that” are far more likely to succeed. A difference of only one word alters the rate of success! There are books and articles galore on how to say things effectively, you need only to search to find them.

Play The Reframe Game

The next time you hear someone throw shade on your fetish play the reframe game with it – if only to yourself. For example, if you hear someone say, “kinky people are gross” instead of thinking “they think I’m gross because I’m kinky” think “they think kinky people are gross because they are close minded and judgmental”.

Practice Makes Progress

The first few times you play the reframing game you’ll have to work hard to catch yourself in the act of turning something against you and then reframing it. However, with practice you’ll be reframing your way to a better life experience!

The Bandwagon Fallacy is essentially believing something is true or correct because the majority does, or the majority of people in your life do. There’s no evidence backing it up, or, if there is you haven’t examined it. You simply believe it because other people do. Often we internalize this fallacy so deeply that we simply believe things, especially about ourselves, just because someone else says it – it could even be just one person saying it.

Another way of looking at this concept is ‘social proof’. Ecommerce and other companies relay on reviews, comments, and posts for ‘social proof’ that other people like their products and services. Know other people, who the consumer assumes to be like them, like it, the consumer then assumes they will like it too.
It’s also important to note that it’s been said that when you repeat something loud enough, often enough, people will believe it.

Breaking Free Of The Bandwagon

Often when we read something disparaging a fetish, we like we begin to feel bad about ourselves. We believe what the person is saying about the fetish as if it were universal truth while in most cases it’s only the speaker’s opinion.
Let’s take an example statement: Flogging is so basic and boring*.

This is just an opinion. Yet many readers will start to think about how they can flog better, make it more exciting, or worse, think they’re somehow ‘lesser’ for liking flogging. We need to stop accepting every little thing as fact without questioning or examining it.

Train Yourself To Check In

Whenever you catch yourself falling into the trap of believing something you just read take a moment to train yourself instead to check in with yourself and ask, “Does this seem like an opinion?” and “Do I agree or Disagree?” and “How do I feel about X?” Train yourself to question and look for evidence. Even if that evidence is how you feel about something.

There are a lot of non-typical fetishes that take a lot of heat and insult from the community at large. If you’re into those fetishes, it’s best practices for your mental health to train yourself to check in with yourself and ask if you’re looking at a fact or just some rando’s opinion. When you recognize it as an opinion, don’t let it color how you think about your fetish. Often just recognizing that a statement is just someone’s opinion is enough for it to no longer effect you negatively.

If you’re not into those fetishes, I invite you to take a minute and question if the statement you read is a fact or an opinion. Additionally, before repeating it, take a moment to think about whether or not you’re perpetuating a culture of shame.

*I love flogging and think it’s neither basic nor boring.

Opinions are not so much like assholes in that most people don’t have (just) one but many! Even worse than that, people try to push their opinions on others. It happens a lot everywhere, including in the kink community. I regularly see kink shaming happen even when as a community we espouse no kink shaming. We’ll take an easy example of ‘x’ kink is gross. ‘X’ kink being your kink. Here are three useful responses you can use when someone says your kink is gross. These responses can work with ‘x’ should ‘x’ e.g. ‘Dommes should wear leather’.

Obviously, I Disagree

In this response we give up our fight to the death about being right (which can be freeing) and simply note our disagreement. This most likely won’t change the person’s mind, but it will let others around you, especially those with the mentioned fetish, know that there are people out there who think it’s ok. This is a low confrontation response, anything else the first speaker says can be ignored. This can be followed up with ‘I disagree, and I don’t care to discuss it further’.

I See You’re Trying To Force Your Opinion On Me

This can be followed with ‘please stop’. This raises the odds of confrontation because the speaker will try to justify what they are doing and deny that they are ‘forcing’ anything. If you’re comfortable with it, you can note how they are not disagreeing respectfully. Once again, the goal is not to change the speakers mind but to enforce your boundaries and support others with like fetishes.

No One Is The Official Judge of Kink Grossness

If you can pair this with a ‘your so silly’ laugh it can go a long way to disarming and confusing the initial speaker. Playfully adding ‘you only get to decide what you like’ can gently educate and remind the original speaker that they should not be kink shaming.

Practice Speaking Up

Speaking up to enforce your boundaries can be an empowered move that not only protects yourself but others in the same category. Practice speaking up frequently to prevent yourself from freezing when the time comes to use your words. If you don’t have a partner to roleplay practice with you can visualize or write it out in your journal.

Happy practicing!

Flying out of the house I rushed down the stairs and into the waiting arms of a friend I haven’t seen in a long, long time. It was wonderful to experience the freedom of just running out and hugging someone with out having a single worry in the world – something that’s quite rare in the Covid Era.

But… how did we get to this point? That, dear reader, is the beauty of strong safety practices! Or, at the very least the joy of similar safety risk profiles!

The person I met and I have demonstrated to each other time and time again that we are on the same page when it comes to safety. We both take it very seriously and our restrictions are many. Most importantly of all, I know that I could trust them and that they wouldn’t violate my trust.

It’s only when you take the time to lay a foundation of honesty that you can experience the true freedom that trust gives you. The deeper the roots, the tall the tree. The safety practices are the roots, and the longer you’ve worked to establish trust and honesty the higher you will soar in areas of freedom, in play, or in simply meeting post pandemic time.

Part 1: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=56403&blog_id=6588

A few weeks ago a dear friend sent me this link and asked my thoughts:
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/01/husband-declared-adult-genre-off-limits-sex-advice.html

I spent sometime considering the article and then wrote out a long thoughtful response to the problem presented in the article. Here it is:

First of all, I think it's right to honor and respect that the husband doesn't want to watch any more hentai. He certainly shouldn't be forced. She shouldn't puppy-dog him about it either.

Personally, for me not watching any hentai at all because a lot of them have rape in them is like saying I'm not watching any detective shows anymore ever because most of them have murder in them. I'm against both rape and murder even though I enjoy them in fantasy settings.

It's fantasy. It's not reality. If anything, we need to do a lot more teaching on how movies aren't real. I have to explain how no, that doesn't happen in America because you saw it in a move, to my students all the time. And Disney Princesses are kinda dangerous for young girls. Although they've been working on that.

All that being said, there's a fair amount of consensual hentai of all genres out there. Yes, even tentacle lovin' ladies and guys. I know because I run into it more than I'd like to. lol. (I'm much more into the non-con).

If I were giving advice to her, I'd suggest locating tentacle rape hentai created by women. That would be an empowering example of women owning their rape fantasies, fantasies that both the op and her husband enjoy.

What do you think?

A few weeks ago a dear friend sent me this link and asked my thoughts: https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/01/husband-declared-adult-genre-off-limits-sex-advice.html

I spent sometime considering the article and then wrote out a long thoughtful response to the problem presented in the article.

My dear friend responded back that they had wanted my thoughts on Hentai in mainstream media – not the problem reflected in the article.

FACEPALM

Suffice it to say, I’m ecstatic to see Hentai being addressed mainstream!

EDIT: Just an edit to say that the 'FACEPALM' was for me missing the point that Hentai was being discussed mainstream! Posting my other answer in another post!