Reflections.

I made a grown man cry the other day.

As the leader I pushed hard on a deadline. And he teared up and cried.

Few people are monsters enough to not be moved by this display. So I and the others asked, what was wrong. He had a funeral to attend. A close friend of many years. Of course the funeral was far more important than anything we were doing. He didn't want to let the team down though. The man was dedicated. To us, and his friend.

I didn't even know. And it had happened months ago.

Crying in front of someone else, is devastating to men. It takes a great deal to bring a man to this point. Especially in public.

So I asked if he would go on a walk with me. Get him out of the room. A more private atmosphere where he could let it out if needed. He said yes, and as we walked I texted the rest of the team to not wait up.

His friend was a suicide. An incredible number of thoughts and emotions come with that. He expressed them as we walked and I asked. It cut deep because he felt he should have known some how some way. That there should have been some sign, he should have seen it. It must have been there, if only he had paid attention. He expressed that he especially should have seen it as someone who had recently contemplated self harm on an equal level. These are all false statements. As someone who has contemplated such acts myself in troubled moments long ago, the most ironic thing I've ever heard someone say to me is that I had no idea how someone contemplating self harm felt. Its not obvious, people are very good at hiding sorrow.

I didn't even know he felt this way. And I ask after the entire teams health and well being daily.

So we walked and talked. Almost two and half hours. We talked about a lot of grim things. And eventually happy things. We talked until we could laugh and joke. Swap stories about terrible dates gone wrong. Until we were both happy again. He's a lot better now. We talk about it a bit from time to time.

I'm sure there are a myriad of opinions on this topic. However, there are a lot of men going through very hard times. They don't talk about it. A great deal of them don't have anyone they feel they can talk about it with. And even if they did they wouldn't. They feel that it won't help them. They feel that they don't want to make others depressed with their stories. And in the end they want solutions not a conversation. And some of them view themselves as the problem,

And the solution is to remove themselves. And they overwhelmingly succeed in the suicide rates.

Did you know its Mens mental health month?

I didn't even know. I've never heard of such a thing before today.

Take a moment please. Ask how someone is doing in your life. Really, sincerely ask.

I love a good story of slaying monsters. Who doesn't? Greek mythology has so many excellent examples. The fearsome Gorgon whose gaze turns one to stone. The powerful Nemean Lion with a roar powerful enough to crumble buildings and hide incapable of being pierced. The mighty Hydra who raw strength cannot defeat.

I like many boys were inspired by these tales growing up. I wanted (and still do) to be a man capable of saving others from monsters and demons a like. I fiercely wanted (and again still do) to protect others, and sought my own innate strengths and talents to do so. I would be far less of a man without these tales of monsters and beasts pushing me to be better. Telling me to gain the strength to protect the weak.

But I ask...

What then do we tell the young men of this generation when we say they are the monsters? To anyone who says we are not...I will tell you we are. I believed I was a monster growing up. I believed and feared I would one day be an abusive drunk husband. I consistently thought I had to keep myself under control from some...thing, else wise I would do something terrible to some one I may not even have known. I thought about getting chains tattooed on my arms as a reminder to stay in control at all times.

And it hasn't gotten better. Media about men has not improved. I work with a lady, who I care deeply for. She is a flower and beam of sunshine at work. In our more serious conversations however she holds strongly to what I see as a deep hatred, resentment and fear of men that well echos modern media. If I despised myself so truly growing up, what do boys think of themselves now? What do they think and feel when we call them the modern day monster?

On these more gloomy days, when the rain clouds settle in and my pensive thoughts take over...I am reminded that men are problem solvers. Therapy for men, involves taking back what they feel is a loss of control. Solving issues. And... that one of the reasons males have a higher success rate of suicide, is because they see themselves as a problem and their death as a solution. There's no conversation to be had past the swift click of a revolver.

I guess... I hope that modern day boys don't feel the need to slay monsters.