A Recovering Pick-me

I came on this website to explore BDSM and the people that are into it. I still find it interesting and more enticing than the typical "vanilla" relationships that people have. I like that communication is key to making BDSM work and how it's emphasized a lot and how open most people are about sexuality and their experiences. 

I've realized that plenty of people on here have a lot of experience with this lifestyle either currently or in the past. I have none. Sometimes I feel like in my mind, I am a submissive, but I don't know how good of submissive I would be to a Dom. I feel like I would need a ton of freedom and might feel suffocated. I'm an introvert that values her space immensely. I'm in my mid-thirties but I think I am still not emotionally mature and sure of myself in a lot of ways, which I believe you need, to be in order to commit to a relationship with a power-exchange. I identified as a sub on here for a while, but I took it off recently because I don't want to claim I'm something if I never even experienced anything like it (which I haven't). I don't want to waste anyone's time. If I am ever sure, you guys would be the first to know!

All you have to do is put on anything Jane Austen related:

Pride And Prejudice (any version)

Sense And Sensibility (any version)

Brigerton

Austenland

Persuasion

Mansfield Park

Northanger Abbey

Emma

Poldark

And BOOM, he is gone in a flash!!! 🤣🤣🤣

*Laughs In British*

Currently, I just started reading a book called "Sleep Smarter" by Shawn Stevenson. Yup, I'm reading it at 3 in the morning, go figure! And he mentions how you can re-frame your view of sleep (for people like me with sleep issues) by imagining you are going on a "hot date" with sleep. Kinda a cheesy analogy, but something else popped in to my mind while I was reading that...sometimes I wish I could be spanked to sleep like a naughty kid! A few spanks with a paddle would do some good followed by firm words of "Go to sleep!" Then with a sore bum, I could drift off into slumber. Anyways, just a thought. Goodnight!

Because this is what I am listening to while I flash you my innocent smile 😀

You don't wanna see me bratty
Pet the kitty, call me catty
Make your man call me daddy
He talk too much, he's too chatty (not cool)
CEO, I'm savvy
Respect a bitch, I'm a maverick
Flexible, so elastic
But don't do you dare bend a bitch backwards
Fuck a princess, I'm a king
Bow down and kiss on my ring
Being a bitch is my kink
What the fuck else did you think?
Fuck a princess, I'm a king
Bow down and kiss on my ring
It's gonna hurt, it'll sting
Spittin' your blood in the sink
I'm crazy, but you like that, I bite back
Daisies on your nightstand, never forget it
I blossom in the moonlight, screw eyes
Glacial with the blue ice, I'm terrifying
I'm no Cinderella, but I like the shoes
Big glass platforms, bitch, I'm choosy
Long blue hair, blue as a bruise
Only trust a fella for some light amusement
I'm no prey, but I am pursued
Pray for me, Nana, on the church's pews
No dickstraction can confuse me
Whiskey in my hip flask, nothing fruity
Fuck a princess, I'm a king
Bow down and kiss on my ring
Being a bitch is my kink
What the fuck else did you think?
Fuck a princess, I'm a king
Bow down and kiss on my ring
It's gonna hurt, it'll sting
Spittin' your blood in the sink
I'm crazy, but you like that, I bite back
Daisies on your nightstand, never forget it
I blossom in the moonlight, screw eyes
Glacial with the blue ice, I'm terrifying
I'm crazy, but you like that, I bite back
Daisies on your nightstand, never forget it
I blossom in the moonlight, screw eyes
Glacial with the blue ice, I'm terrifying
La, la, la
La, la, la
La, la, la
La, la
I'm terrifying
La, la, la
La, la, la
La, la, la
La, la
I'm terrifying

I guess I'm here to let out what has been on my mind for a little while now. I got pregnant at 25. Now I am 34. It was accidental. I don't even think I even wanted kids, but my current partner did and he got his way. I remember when I first met him we were drinking. Alcohol is like my release because in person I am inhibited. I tend to be shy and cautious. Well that night we were drinking and one thing led to another and as Elaine says in Senfield, "yada, yada, yada." And you pretty much know the rest. Then we met up again about a week later and I wasn't blasted out of my mind and I realized to my horror that he didn't use a condom this 2nd time we met and I vaguely remember asking him if he used a condom the first time and he said he did, but now I knew he was lying. And because of that lie I got pregnant. I went to Planned Parenthood and took a pregnancy test and it was negative and they gave me a Depo shot which is what I am on now. Then I felt the symptoms a few weeks later and I knew there was a baby growing inside me. I do remember the first time I got emotional right away he said to get an abortion. I was horrified. I didn't want to, I was scared, I thought I would bleed out or something not understanding how they work so I kept our baby. I don't know why I am mentioning this I guess because I feel stupid for being so gullible and being easily manipulated. I feel like I'm still very naive in a lot of ways still.

May the 4th Be With You!

I just needed some help writing a scene. The story I'm writing is basically the woman is working at a new job, she does janitorial work, it's set in the 1940's, and she has big love obsession with the head of one of the departments. She's kind of shy and does what she is told. The guy she likes is handsome, but he has a quick temper. She has to clean one of his offices that he keeps private. She starts looking around at his private office and she is caught off guard by his presence. Now the next scene I guess I am trying to figure out how to give it some kind of sexual tension. Maybe she should have a lot of thoughts/fantasies going on in her head of what she would want him to do to her. Not sure where to go next, some ideas would be great, thanks!

Today I finished a 300 page romance novel. In one day. I haven't read a romance novel in a long time actually. I'm reading so I could improve my writing as I have a lot of work to do. That's all I wanted to share today.

Getting to know you...getting to know all about you..

1. My favorite childhood toy:
My glow-in-the-dark lego-type blocks I had

2. Favorite album:
Metallica-Metallica-also known as The Black Album

3. Favorite childhood tv show:
Gargoyles

4. First film at the cinema:
Jurassic Park

5. First crush celebrity and personal
Val Kilmer  ❣️

6. Favorite animal:

Hummingbird

7. Favorite film

V for Vendetta

8. First kiss who and where:
Nelson, in his car

9. First real contact with kink world:
Not yet

10. Only one person to be left on an Island with for a year, without any technology:
No one