This Sub's Space

Ringing in the New Year and sweeping out the old. I don't make New Year's Resolutions because they typically fail within the first month. But that does not mean I do not have thought for the new year. This year will bring digging deeper into myself and my submission. I started that at the end of 2023 but plan to continue into this year. I am still trying to figure out exactly what that will look like but have some ideas. Thinking about spending time thinking and writing about words that are important to me and to my submission. 

Since finding me in depth has been ongoing for a little while. I have already started looking into my bad habits. Figuring out things I need to change about myself to be a better myself. I plan to continue working on my bad habits and replacing them with better habits. I plan to continue making myself a better person and a better submissive. 

May 2024 bring you all everything you hope for and more than you dream of!

Happy Kinky New Year!

Meli

Merry Christmas to all my fellow kinksters. I hope Santa was good to all of you. 

Devastated

Angry but still apologetic

Know it's for the best

Opportunity to grow

Treasured, I just wanted to feel treasured

Acceptance is coming

Maybe this time I'll learn

Every good thing has to end

Likely I won't because I-m

Interested in trying again

Is it really so bad to want a Dominant, a Daddy, a Master? Does he really even still exist? 

But what I have come to understand  is that sometimes things don't change. Sometimes words are nothing more than just that words.  . . 

How many times is too many times? When will I learn that no matter what, a leopard will

Never change their spots? The definition of insanity, doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results. Well more. People do not change unless they want to and their true colors will always eventually show through.

And when they show through, believe them!!! Stop believing the best about people when they've given you every reason not to . This ends tonight.. 

Sometimes the most obvious realizations are the most painful. And sometimes you just need a hug and a cuddle.

I think this is just a rant. I don't understand why people can't just be who they are and be honest about it? If you can't be who the other person says they need, then just man or woman up and say so. I mean, I'm a submissive but if the Dom I was talking to is looking for a brat and that's not me, no matter how well we get along, I have to tell him I'm not a brat. I can't be what you're looking for. Do we continue talking, being friends or do we walk away? This lifestyle is built on trust, respect, honesty, and communication. And that really shouldn't be any different online or in real life. Ok, rant over! 

Every new discovery is a step forward. There's a reason the rear view mirror is so small compared to the windshield. Learn from our past (mistakes and everything) but focus on what's in front of you.

So i keep asking myself where I am going? What am I doing to get there?

I know I'm digging deeper into me, who I am and what I need? What I need from myself

And my future Dom what I need for myself and my future dom?. I am so much closer to whole then I have been in a very long time. I still have so much more to learn, always so much more to learn : about myself and about the lifestyle.

I'm stepping out of my vanilla and lifestyle comfort zones and trying to meet new people. I am realizing I am even more socially awkward than I used to be. People make peopling so hard sometimes. But key one step at a time right? Celebrate each victory.

I am trying to focus on each step in my journey right now. I am trying to articulate what dominance and submission mean to me-i am developing a mantra to help center myself when times get tough or the exhaustion of having to be dominant in life starts to wear on me. Because you would be surprised how negative self-talk can be. So I'm thinking the mantra will help with that too. (Shoot is I come up with it before Thanksgiving maybe it will be tolerable and help maintain sanity.)

If you read this far thank you!

Meli

People just really suck. 

That is all.

Please feel free to return to your regularly scheduled programming.

I am still involved in a program with my past Dominant and his family. I was an at an event tonight and one of the girls in the house is still so bitter. I just do not understand how she, or he for that matter, consider that to be healthy. The absolutely wonderful part is that I felt bad for her. I didn't want the family to fail and still don't want what remains of the family to fail but I am happy to be out of it. Hindsight is truly 20/20 because I am seeing how toxic some things were. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to continue helping with the program because although it does not hurt me on a personal, relational level. It hurts me because I hate that she is still carrying that bitterness. (And of course if I try to say anything, I am just interfering and causing problems in their house. Is it obvious I have tried? But that is my nature.) I walked away from the family for my mental health and hate to think that the program is next, because everything it is doing otherwise is so good and helpful to so many people. I will give it a little more time but I see this as a decision that may need to be made by the 1st of the year if things don't change. 

I am still working on me and bettering myself. Every day I am realizing a little bit more. There are some changes that will take time but the seeds are being planted. 

What is it they say? The road to hell is paved with the best of intentions. I know there's one about the best laid plans of mice and men . . . and I am sure there are a thousand others. 

I made a plan. I was confident I was going to stick to my plan. And now my plan has changed. Not because of pressure. Not because I was afraid to be alone. Not because of all the typical reasons I usually change my course of action. 

Sometimes you meet someone and everything just clicks. They tell you things that you thought would make you run but you want to give it a chance. Everything just fell into place and unfortunately I am not very good at dipping my toes in the water. What is it that Nike says, Go big or go home? 

I am one to jump on with both feet. My MO is all in or all out and I really think I am making the right decision by going all in. Although my children don't know about the lifestyle, I have talked to them about this person. Even they have encouraged me to follow what feels right (and they have always previously not done that). 

So I am doing just that. The ever present chatter in my brain has quieted down, the elephant sitting on my chest has left the premises. I am happy and comfortable. There have been a few times I have asked myself am I moving to fast but in all reality it's been 4 months since the nails were pounded in to the coffin of my last relationship but it's been more than a year since I was truly happy. I was believing things were gonna change, they were gonna go back to how they used to be. But sometimes, how things used to be is just that a distant memory.

I know what I want and need in a dynamic, in a Dominant and I have share that with him. I may not be able to verbalize what I bring to the table beyond saying I have a submissive heart but this Dominant seems to see all the things I cannot say. 

Do I think it's going to be easy? Of course not. Do I think we might have bumps in the road? Well, duh we are both human so that's probably a given. 

But I see an exciting journey in front of us. 

Right now I feel like a flower that had been thirsty for water and the rains came, not so heavy as to drown it but just enough to give it a drink and let it thrive.

I was saying I am terrified but that's really not the right word at all. I am excited to step into a new unknown with someone I can grow with, with someone who can be the yang to my yin.

A New Unknown

Never having been this comfortable

Every time feeling I needed to change

When there should be give and take

Utterly amazed by my comfort levels

New things to be learned and explored

Knowing he will take these steps with me

Not rushing me but exposing me

Only time will tell if

What I feel is real

Not nervous but exhilarated for the endless possibilities

11/11/23