This Sub's Space

What is it they say? The road to hell is paved with the best of intentions. I know there's one about the best laid plans of mice and men . . . and I am sure there are a thousand others. 

I made a plan. I was confident I was going to stick to my plan. And now my plan has changed. Not because of pressure. Not because I was afraid to be alone. Not because of all the typical reasons I usually change my course of action. 

Sometimes you meet someone and everything just clicks. They tell you things that you thought would make you run but you want to give it a chance. Everything just fell into place and unfortunately I am not very good at dipping my toes in the water. What is it that Nike says, Go big or go home? 

I am one to jump on with both feet. My MO is all in or all out and I really think I am making the right decision by going all in. Although my children don't know about the lifestyle, I have talked to them about this person. Even they have encouraged me to follow what feels right (and they have always previously not done that). 

So I am doing just that. The ever present chatter in my brain has quieted down, the elephant sitting on my chest has left the premises. I am happy and comfortable. There have been a few times I have asked myself am I moving to fast but in all reality it's been 4 months since the nails were pounded in to the coffin of my last relationship but it's been more than a year since I was truly happy. I was believing things were gonna change, they were gonna go back to how they used to be. But sometimes, how things used to be is just that a distant memory.

I know what I want and need in a dynamic, in a Dominant and I have share that with him. I may not be able to verbalize what I bring to the table beyond saying I have a submissive heart but this Dominant seems to see all the things I cannot say. 

Do I think it's going to be easy? Of course not. Do I think we might have bumps in the road? Well, duh we are both human so that's probably a given. 

But I see an exciting journey in front of us. 

Right now I feel like a flower that had been thirsty for water and the rains came, not so heavy as to drown it but just enough to give it a drink and let it thrive.

I was saying I am terrified but that's really not the right word at all. I am excited to step into a new unknown with someone I can grow with, with someone who can be the yang to my yin.

A New Unknown

Never having been this comfortable

Every time feeling I needed to change

When there should be give and take

Utterly amazed by my comfort levels

New things to be learned and explored

Knowing he will take these steps with me

Not rushing me but exposing me

Only time will tell if

What I feel is real

Not nervous but exhilarated for the endless possibilities

11/11/23

Does the responsibility of life ever end? 

Will the pain of leaving one day just go away?

If only I could have had one more day before I had to walk away? 

A snuggle for my memory to keep me warm on a cold night?

A snuggle to hold me tight when I just want to cry and escape the day?

I know all of these feelings will pass but it is so hard in the day to day. 

Tomorrow starts a new week. Hopefully a new mindset and a new beginning.

Maybe I will write him a letter, expressing all of my love, pain, sorrow, and then have a fire to burn it.

Maybe that will provide the closure that I need.

Ok so maybe this is a rhetorical question . . . and maybe I already know the answer . . .
But does it every get easier when there is a break up in a poly dynamic and you still have to interact with the people in the dynamic. Especially when you still have feelings for your Dom and only walked away because one of the other subs was destroying your mental health?
I have so many things to get done and have absolutely no motivation and I don't see any way out of the obligations I have with those people. And the other sub just seems to enjoy getting under my skin yet when I tell my ex that I will just walk away so she can have all of that to, he tells me not to. Ehhh!!! Why is being a submissive so hard sometimes?

I am still trying to figure out what I have done in this life, or a previous one, to deserve to have to deal with all of this BS. Why can't life just be easy for a little while. We had our story all written until she came into the house. And yes he's the Dom so he brought her in and yes from day 1 I accepted her until I went to visit and she did not accept me, my presence, or my friendship any more. 

Some days, grabbing my hiking gear, sleeping bag, and hammock looks really good. If only I knew how to forage in the winter in New England. LOL! 

Is wanting a simple, peaceful life with a Dominant such a bad thing to want? I don't need anything expensive in life - love, affection, encouragement, direction - shoot they are all free. Where's my EASY button? I'm ready. LOL!

Break-ups suck!

Was it the end of the full moon? Was it the happenings in my last family? Was it acknowledging out loud how I am feeling and how unfair it is? 

I wish I could answer those questions because then I would be prepared for the next time. I thought I was doing surprisingly well considering how broken my heart is but man did it all come crashing down tonight. 

I just need to remind myself that I cannot control other people's choices or decisions and as much as a Dominant can instruct, demand, whatever that certain things happen, can he really make people behave a certain way? A Dominant can impact a lot but he cannot dictate feelings and behaviors as much as he might try. Every person has to make their own decisions and unfortunately in a poly dynamic sometimes those decisions intimately impact other people and strongly influence their decisions. 

So now I have two noted lessons from this break up:

• Lesson 1: Find your grounding first in yourself. (I said only in yourself originally but I think first is better) My Dominant can help me be grounded but he cannot be my grounding.

• Lesson 2: As the Serenity Prayer says, Accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I can change me and me alone. I can influence others but I cannot change them. So right now I am focusing on the courage to change me. Make me a better, healthier submissive and human being. 

If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. And this will not kill me but it sure will make me stronger.

Meli

The start to a new week and a marathon one at that. I have school this weekend so it'll be 12 days straight. But it will all be worth it in the end. 

So I started today different. I did a very short yoga stretch. I wanted to do more but I will be honest and say I overslept so i did what I could with the time I had. I then did a short submissive meditation (which although I liked some of it I will be looking for something else because well, it just didn't work for me). I am hoping to do another bedtime yoga before I head to bed if I can.

I am also looking for mantra ideas. I have never been good at those - saying them, believing them, but I am thinking that positive statements will do my good. It always sucks when a relationship fails. Especially when it fails for reasons that could have been avoided. One of the parties involved had the nerve to ask me how I could do my job and continue my studies if I couldn't apply them to my own personal life and that seems to be a two fold answer. The first is that I can't fix it on my own. I can only contribute to a solution and if I did everything I would tell a client to do, how much abuse should I take. The other side of that is that when I am working with clients, it is not involving me personally. (And just as an aside if a client described my situation to me, my suggestion would have been it was in their best interest to remove themself from it so there is that too, which is really neither here nor there at this point). All of that to say if anyone has any suggestions of how I can create a helpful mantra, I would appreciate that. 

It felt really good for even the short amount of workout today. Once upon a time, I was working out 5-7 days a week every morning, I don't know if I want to go back to that but I am definitely hoping for at least 3 and maybe when I get some winter gloves and hat and coat, I can start getting out to hike at least a couple times a month. I had aspirations for this year, I was supposed to get back into a grove over the summer since I finally had tine off of school but my life going to hell in a handbasket prevented that so guess what, when life hands you lemons - you either make lemonade or freeze them and through them at the people who have hurt you (and that borders on the edge of what I can wrap my brain around so lemonade it is). 

I am important. And I have to be a priority in my life. Getting up and getting myself back to being healthy - mentally and physically - is important. I cannot be my best submissive self to anyone if I am not taking care of myself. So here's to a successful day one. 

Sunrise and sunset
Opposite sides of the same coin
Each beautiful in their own right

Dominance and submission
Also opposite sides of the same coin
Unique and individual

They complete each other
Making each part a whole
Complementing each other

...

10/30/23

This will be revisited, I can picture what else I am trying to say but can't find the words at the moment. If only I could bring the picture in my head to a piece of paper but I can assure you all, they never look the same. Giggles. 

I feel naked at the moment. My dynamic ended this week, at my provocation, and I took my collar off for the first time in over two years. I was in an LDR and the collar was grounding and a connection to my Dominant. Now I do not have the connection, nor do I have that grounding. 

That's okay. I will get through this and be better for it. My plan is to start some form of working out and meditation tomorrow morning and more journaling with prompts (that I don't have yet but just getting my thoughts on paper will be good enough to start). 

I don't know what you would call it properly but I have always been interested in like rope corsets, maybe now is the time to figure out how to do it. I know my weighted blanket helps me to feel grounded and safe so maybe that will help to. Anyone have any experience with that, will definitely take ideas, suggested videos, etc.

Went from 82 and sunny yesterday to 47 and rainy today. Mother Nature just seems to be having issues with consistency, LOL. 

First lesson from this breakup: Meli, find your grounding only in yourself. Your Dominant can help but he cannot be the reason for the grounding.

Well, thanks for reading everyone. Hope you all have a good Sunday.

I say that and then think of what the weekend will bring . . . trying to get a tire fixed so I can hopefully get to the end of November before I have to buy new ones . . . more reading and studying and homework assignments due . . . so much adulting is on my plate . . . 

I am hoping that come Monday I can start new habits and routines to make me a better me . . . morning workouts and meditation/introspection on who I am/what I need in my life . . .  I am solely responsible for me now and have no one to blame but myself if I don't do what I have to do . . . it may be slow, it will be painful but dammit if I won't come out better on the other side . . .

FAILURE IS NOT FALLING DOWN, IT IS NOT GETTING BACK UP AND LIKE A PHOENIX I WILL RISE!

The sun rose today and it was a beautiful, rather warm day (especially for the end of October). And I will take it. I don't think I could have handled a cloudy day gray today. And I am hearing rumors it will be a nice day on Saturday so I am thinking I may head to the shore and do homework there. There's no such thing as a bad day at the beach. One of my happy places. The other is the woods but I have too much to get done to go hiking. So I do think my happy place is telling me to come and visit. Bury my feet in the sand, listen to the birds and the waves and just be at peace. 

I'm sure everyone reading this has a happy place. I have been away from mine for way too long at this point. I think it's time to make me a priority again. 

OCEAN

The waves crash on the sand

Coming and going 

Over and over

There is no rhyme or reason to it

All of my senses engaged

The taste of the salty air

The feel of the ocean breeze

The smell of the low tide

The sound of the birds talking

The view of the sand and water

Here there is peace

No matter the season 

Or the tempestuousness of the waves

Just for a moment

Nothing else matters

10/26/23

I am a masochists, well at least physically. I've had some intense impact scenes and the orgasms and subspace are freaking amazing. But man my feelings, you can hurt them with a feather and there is no pleasure in that at all. And sometimes people and family, chosen or otherwise, can just be so hurtful. And the best part is when they blame you for the whole situation anyway. 

PAIN

Plenty of emotions

And never-ending fear

Incapable of rational thought

Not when near the tears

Peace - why are you so far away

Always just outside my reach

Inescapable feelings

Never what I need

Presence 

Acceptance

Introspection

Newness

Patience in waiting

Always wondering what went wrong

Insecurity not holding me back anymore

New beginnings on the horizon

10-25-23

Once upon a time, I always used to think about starting a blog but have always been to chicken to share my thoughts and really never knew how to get started. So here goes nothing . . . My name is Meli. I've been in the lifestyle for a few years but have been curious my whole adult life again to chicken to explore. Wow sensing a theme here. But hey, I won't bore you with all the details. Today I'll just share a little something I wrote after my first impact scene. 

Just Feel

The pain was exquisite

The dominance euphoric

To just be was orgasmic

I didn’t have to think

I didn’t have to decide

I had to submit

I had to feel

The chatter stopped

The silence calming

The strength in submission breathtaking

I didn’t have to think

I didn’t have to decide

I had to submit

I had to feel

The sensations so new

The emotions so raw

The feeling so true

I didn’t have to think

I didn’t have to decide

I had to submit

I had to feel