Every new discovery is a step forward. There's a reason the rear view mirror is so small compared to the windshield. Learn from our past (mistakes and everything) but focus on what's in front of you.
So i keep asking myself where I am going? What am I doing to get there?
I know I'm digging deeper into me, who I am and what I need? What I need from myself
And my future Dom what I need for myself and my future dom?. I am so much closer to whole then I have been in a very long time. I still have so much more to learn, always so much more to learn : about myself and about the lifestyle.
I'm stepping out of my vanilla and lifestyle comfort zones and trying to meet new people. I am realizing I am even more socially awkward than I used to be. People make peopling so hard sometimes. But key one step at a time right? Celebrate each victory.
I am trying to focus on each step in my journey right now. I am trying to articulate what dominance and submission mean to me-i am developing a mantra to help center myself when times get tough or the exhaustion of having to be dominant in life starts to wear on me. Because you would be surprised how negative self-talk can be. So I'm thinking the mantra will help with that too. (Shoot is I come up with it before Thanksgiving maybe it will be tolerable and help maintain sanity.)
If you read this far thank you!
Meli
People just really suck.
That is all.
Please feel free to return to your regularly scheduled programming.
I am still involved in a program with my past Dominant and his family. I was an at an event tonight and one of the girls in the house is still so bitter. I just do not understand how she, or he for that matter, consider that to be healthy. The absolutely wonderful part is that I felt bad for her. I didn't want the family to fail and still don't want what remains of the family to fail but I am happy to be out of it. Hindsight is truly 20/20 because I am seeing how toxic some things were. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to continue helping with the program because although it does not hurt me on a personal, relational level. It hurts me because I hate that she is still carrying that bitterness. (And of course if I try to say anything, I am just interfering and causing problems in their house. Is it obvious I have tried? But that is my nature.) I walked away from the family for my mental health and hate to think that the program is next, because everything it is doing otherwise is so good and helpful to so many people. I will give it a little more time but I see this as a decision that may need to be made by the 1st of the year if things don't change.
I am still working on me and bettering myself. Every day I am realizing a little bit more. There are some changes that will take time but the seeds are being planted.
What is it they say? The road to hell is paved with the best of intentions. I know there's one about the best laid plans of mice and men . . . and I am sure there are a thousand others.
I made a plan. I was confident I was going to stick to my plan. And now my plan has changed. Not because of pressure. Not because I was afraid to be alone. Not because of all the typical reasons I usually change my course of action.
Sometimes you meet someone and everything just clicks. They tell you things that you thought would make you run but you want to give it a chance. Everything just fell into place and unfortunately I am not very good at dipping my toes in the water. What is it that Nike says, Go big or go home?
I am one to jump on with both feet. My MO is all in or all out and I really think I am making the right decision by going all in. Although my children don't know about the lifestyle, I have talked to them about this person. Even they have encouraged me to follow what feels right (and they have always previously not done that).
So I am doing just that. The ever present chatter in my brain has quieted down, the elephant sitting on my chest has left the premises. I am happy and comfortable. There have been a few times I have asked myself am I moving to fast but in all reality it's been 4 months since the nails were pounded in to the coffin of my last relationship but it's been more than a year since I was truly happy. I was believing things were gonna change, they were gonna go back to how they used to be. But sometimes, how things used to be is just that a distant memory.
I know what I want and need in a dynamic, in a Dominant and I have share that with him. I may not be able to verbalize what I bring to the table beyond saying I have a submissive heart but this Dominant seems to see all the things I cannot say.
Do I think it's going to be easy? Of course not. Do I think we might have bumps in the road? Well, duh we are both human so that's probably a given.
But I see an exciting journey in front of us.
Right now I feel like a flower that had been thirsty for water and the rains came, not so heavy as to drown it but just enough to give it a drink and let it thrive.
I was saying I am terrified but that's really not the right word at all. I am excited to step into a new unknown with someone I can grow with, with someone who can be the yang to my yin.
A New Unknown
Never having been this comfortable
Every time feeling I needed to change
When there should be give and take
Utterly amazed by my comfort levels
New things to be learned and explored
Knowing he will take these steps with me
Not rushing me but exposing me
Only time will tell if
What I feel is real
Not nervous but exhilarated for the endless possibilities
11/11/23
Does the responsibility of life ever end?
Will the pain of leaving one day just go away?
If only I could have had one more day before I had to walk away?
A snuggle for my memory to keep me warm on a cold night?
A snuggle to hold me tight when I just want to cry and escape the day?
I know all of these feelings will pass but it is so hard in the day to day.
Tomorrow starts a new week. Hopefully a new mindset and a new beginning.
Maybe I will write him a letter, expressing all of my love, pain, sorrow, and then have a fire to burn it.
Maybe that will provide the closure that I need.
Ok so maybe this is a rhetorical question . . . and maybe I already know the answer . . .
But does it every get easier when there is a break up in a poly dynamic and you still have to interact with the people in the dynamic. Especially when you still have feelings for your Dom and only walked away because one of the other subs was destroying your mental health?
I have so many things to get done and have absolutely no motivation and I don't see any way out of the obligations I have with those people. And the other sub just seems to enjoy getting under my skin yet when I tell my ex that I will just walk away so she can have all of that to, he tells me not to. Ehhh!!! Why is being a submissive so hard sometimes?
I am still trying to figure out what I have done in this life, or a previous one, to deserve to have to deal with all of this BS. Why can't life just be easy for a little while. We had our story all written until she came into the house. And yes he's the Dom so he brought her in and yes from day 1 I accepted her until I went to visit and she did not accept me, my presence, or my friendship any more.
Some days, grabbing my hiking gear, sleeping bag, and hammock looks really good. If only I knew how to forage in the winter in New England. LOL!
Is wanting a simple, peaceful life with a Dominant such a bad thing to want? I don't need anything expensive in life - love, affection, encouragement, direction - shoot they are all free. Where's my EASY button? I'm ready. LOL!
Break-ups suck!
Was it the end of the full moon? Was it the happenings in my last family? Was it acknowledging out loud how I am feeling and how unfair it is?
I wish I could answer those questions because then I would be prepared for the next time. I thought I was doing surprisingly well considering how broken my heart is but man did it all come crashing down tonight.
I just need to remind myself that I cannot control other people's choices or decisions and as much as a Dominant can instruct, demand, whatever that certain things happen, can he really make people behave a certain way? A Dominant can impact a lot but he cannot dictate feelings and behaviors as much as he might try. Every person has to make their own decisions and unfortunately in a poly dynamic sometimes those decisions intimately impact other people and strongly influence their decisions.
So now I have two noted lessons from this break up:
If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. And this will not kill me but it sure will make me stronger.
Meli
The start to a new week and a marathon one at that. I have school this weekend so it'll be 12 days straight. But it will all be worth it in the end.
So I started today different. I did a very short yoga stretch. I wanted to do more but I will be honest and say I overslept so i did what I could with the time I had. I then did a short submissive meditation (which although I liked some of it I will be looking for something else because well, it just didn't work for me). I am hoping to do another bedtime yoga before I head to bed if I can.
I am also looking for mantra ideas. I have never been good at those - saying them, believing them, but I am thinking that positive statements will do my good. It always sucks when a relationship fails. Especially when it fails for reasons that could have been avoided. One of the parties involved had the nerve to ask me how I could do my job and continue my studies if I couldn't apply them to my own personal life and that seems to be a two fold answer. The first is that I can't fix it on my own. I can only contribute to a solution and if I did everything I would tell a client to do, how much abuse should I take. The other side of that is that when I am working with clients, it is not involving me personally. (And just as an aside if a client described my situation to me, my suggestion would have been it was in their best interest to remove themself from it so there is that too, which is really neither here nor there at this point). All of that to say if anyone has any suggestions of how I can create a helpful mantra, I would appreciate that.
It felt really good for even the short amount of workout today. Once upon a time, I was working out 5-7 days a week every morning, I don't know if I want to go back to that but I am definitely hoping for at least 3 and maybe when I get some winter gloves and hat and coat, I can start getting out to hike at least a couple times a month. I had aspirations for this year, I was supposed to get back into a grove over the summer since I finally had tine off of school but my life going to hell in a handbasket prevented that so guess what, when life hands you lemons - you either make lemonade or freeze them and through them at the people who have hurt you (and that borders on the edge of what I can wrap my brain around so lemonade it is).
I am important. And I have to be a priority in my life. Getting up and getting myself back to being healthy - mentally and physically - is important. I cannot be my best submissive self to anyone if I am not taking care of myself. So here's to a successful day one.
Sunrise and sunset
Opposite sides of the same coin
Each beautiful in their own right
Dominance and submission
Also opposite sides of the same coin
Unique and individual
They complete each other
Making each part a whole
Complementing each other
...
10/30/23
This will be revisited, I can picture what else I am trying to say but can't find the words at the moment. If only I could bring the picture in my head to a piece of paper but I can assure you all, they never look the same. Giggles.
I feel naked at the moment. My dynamic ended this week, at my provocation, and I took my collar off for the first time in over two years. I was in an LDR and the collar was grounding and a connection to my Dominant. Now I do not have the connection, nor do I have that grounding.
That's okay. I will get through this and be better for it. My plan is to start some form of working out and meditation tomorrow morning and more journaling with prompts (that I don't have yet but just getting my thoughts on paper will be good enough to start).
I don't know what you would call it properly but I have always been interested in like rope corsets, maybe now is the time to figure out how to do it. I know my weighted blanket helps me to feel grounded and safe so maybe that will help to. Anyone have any experience with that, will definitely take ideas, suggested videos, etc.
Went from 82 and sunny yesterday to 47 and rainy today. Mother Nature just seems to be having issues with consistency, LOL.
First lesson from this breakup: Meli, find your grounding only in yourself. Your Dominant can help but he cannot be the reason for the grounding.
Well, thanks for reading everyone. Hope you all have a good Sunday.