Looking into the mirror that is me

I look down at my leg
Well this has been fun
I feel the guilt rising
What have I done

I have cut thru layers
The layers of me
What is it found?
It's not only blood I see

I see the hurt and the anguish
The the sadness and pain
The darkness surrounds me
I want to cut again

Footsteps behind me
As you walk into the room
The blade slices downwards
The end will come soon

Over me you stand
Taking the blade from me
The anger in your eyes
Is hard for me to see

"How dare you do that
And hurt what is mine"
I lower my eyes in shame
No, I am not fine

You were gone for too long
And I lost control
The darkness inside me
Overwhelmed my poor soul

I need you here with me
To guide and to teach
To own me completely
Keeping the blade out of reach

You give me stability
The firm hand I need
I am so lost without you
I don't want to bleed

I am yours completely
I submit to your will
I want you to use me
Your desires fulfill

By giving myself to you
I know who I am
I am comfortable in my skin now
I have a new plan

That feeling that you get when you are surrounded by people yet you still feel alone. Lost. You need someone to guide you. To take you by your leash and show you which way to go. To show you the error of your ways. To take the blinkers off and put a blindfold on so that all you hear is them. All you feel is them. All you know is them. In the darkness they make you feel you are not alone anymore. They become a part of you. To the point that you feel lost without them. Empty. You live for them. You live to please them. Your feel like without them with you, you forget how to breathe. You are theirs. They are yours. You understand them maybe better than you understand even yourself. Every word they don't say speaks to you. Every word they do speaks volumes. You give yourself to them. And hope that they don't leave you to be alone again.

I look at my reflection. What is it I see? First I study my body. All soft and wobbly and worn. I don't like what I see. But I don't hate it as much as I used to. The flaws I used to see are still there. But I am not as crippled by them as I was before. I have scars. Many scars. Some are from my own attempts at fixing myself. Some are from me doing the temporary to prevent me doing the permanent. Some scars are from bringing my children into the world. Some are from various health issues or injuries over the years. The emotional scars are the worst but they are invisible to the naked eye. But if you look hard enough you can see signs that they are there. My body isn't perfect. To me it's not attractive. Not sexy. But it's mine and it's all I have. I am hating it less and less because it has carried me thru the horror that has been my life. It has kept me alive when I didn't want to be. It has grown and protected 2 brand new human beings. I look up. I look into my eyes. I see the sadness there. I see the darkness too. The darkness that is in most of us. My darkness is there. Swirling like an angry storm cloud thru my soul. My eyes show it. And then I notice a pin prick of light. Just visible. I can see it. In the middle of the darkness. I look again. It is still there. I wasn't imagining it. There is still hope. That I am going to be accepted for who I am. What I am. That they will want me. Accept me. Guide me and train me. Trust and respect me and even care for me. That even seeing how broken I am they will still want me. I want them. I am scared of what I will become if I lose them. I am scared that one day they will wake up and look at me and see what I see and decide to throw me away like yesterday's trash. I have given myself to them. I want them. I need them. I need to feel their dominance. Their control. By giving myself to them. Submitting to them. I am free. The light gets a little brighter. I just hope that some cruel twist of fate doesn't extinguish it

Sometimes you find what you are looking for where you least expect it. When you find it, you realise that what you were looking for wasnt really what you needed, but what you have found is better than you could have ever imagined. 

We all have desires... dreams... fantasies. How many of us have actually dared try and obtain them? How many have managed to finally find the elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Now how did the reality compare to the illusion? Were you happy with your treasure? Or did you come to the crushing realisation that all you found was fools gold? 

I chased that rainbow. I was so focused on that pot of gold that I was blinded to what was right in front of me. I found that fools gold and as I sat in tears trying to work out what went wrong I looked up. There it was. It had been there the whole time I just didn't see it for what it was. Shining brightly in front of me was the most beautiful rainbow. So colourful. So fragile. So perfect. I didn't need that treasure. I thought I did but I was wrong. The gold would have just weighed me down. Consumed me. 

I have found my rainbow. In all its glorious colour. Yes it may be faded in parts. Obscured by clouds in others. But it is beautiful to me anyway. 

My treasure wasnt at the end of the rainbow. It was the rainbow.