Have been awful. My anxiety won a lot. I shut down all the time. I was a mess to say the least. I hated almsot everything about myself and couldn't accept support. Thankfully, I've started to feel better, putting my health first and remembering that Sir is there for me. I have missed you all, and I couldn't be happier to be back. 💕
Soooo, my graduate program has decided to be extremely difficult and basically push my graduation back a year. Between this and being starved for physical contact I'm basically on the edge of a nervous breakdown. That is all to report. 😔
Keep it together. Stay awake. Get these forms filled out and then you can go home. I rub my eyes as I struggle to stay awake. Why can't my suboordinates just keep thier elements under control and keep this fucking paperwork out of my office? There's a knock on my door.
"I brought you some coffee." My husband's eyes flicker as I tilt my head up to see him. His expression drops almost automatically. "How long since you've had a good night's sleep?" He asks me as he strides across the room and stands next to my chair. I sigh.
"Couple days maybe?" I say quietly. I sort of peek up at him through my lashes. I know he's not going to like that answer. I can see the anger flicker in his eyes. He also seems to have a twinge of guilt.
"I had no idea you were working that late love." He says to me. My eyes are heavy even now. He lowers his tone. "You're obviously exhausted, and clearly pent up, I should take better care of you." He says, giving me a soft kiss behind my ear. I close my eyes and sigh. That feels good. I look up at him.
"You're not angry?" I ask quietly. He looks at me again, this is my Dom talking.
"I'm furious that you let yourself get to this condition." He says with his tone icy. "You need to tell me these things." I just nodd slowly. "Why are you hiding things from your Dom?" He asks me.
"I don't know Sir." I tell him. He looks around the room, checking the locked door, checking the shutters and ensuring we are alone.
"Stand up submissive." He responds, his voice smooth. I look at my paperwork. I guess I'll finish this later. I stand and push out of my chair. I stand before him, my body is responding already. He means to fuck me over my desk. I can feel the energy pulsing between us. "Lean over your desk." He tells me. I can see him loosening his belt. Is he going to spank me or fuck me? Maybe both? I lean over my desk and wait.
He undoes my belt and pushes my pants and my underwear around my ankles. He starts with his hand purring sweet things into my ear. Then Smack! He brings his hand across my bare ass. It stings, but its not a painful sting, it's the sting I've craved. It's been months since we've had any playtime. Twice more he spanks my ass with his hand. By the time he stops I'm soaking with desire. He pushes two fingers inside me.
"So wet already." He says to me. he withdraws his fingers. "Ask for it sub." He tells me as I can feel him position his cock at the entrance of my sex.
"Please Sir, I say, "give me your cock." At that he burries himself inside me. He starts slow the first few strokes. He picks up his pace as he strokes me more. "Please Sir, faster." I whimper to him.
"Ofcourse, my perfect submissive." He picks up. I'm so close and he knows it. "Come for me my love, come on your man's cock." I explode with him and we collapse onto the floor of my office. He holds me against his chest. "Now come home, paperwork will be here tomorrow." He helps me to my feet. I fix my clothing and grab my car keys. I'm going to our home to lay in our bed, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Stop stairing at his mouth. When did his eyelashes get so long? God his eyes are pretty. I wonder what it would be like to kiss him? His lips are so full...
"Are you alright?" He's asking me a question now. I jerk myself back to reality and nodd my head. "You got quiet all of the sudden." He observes.
"I'm alright, I just...wonder so often if I'm doing enough in school and at work. Sometimes it feels like I could be doing so much more..." I trail off. God I hope he doesn't think I'm wierd. Why do I care so much about school? Am I being cringy?
"You're doing great." He says softly.
My heart it beating much faster now. He's looking me in the eyes now. His stare is intense, I know he means what he's saying. I know that he's genuine. I think that's the first time I've heard that in a long time. I nodd my head a little and clear my throat in agreement. He leans in closer to me. Fuck he's going to kiss me. My heart starts to pick up, I'm panicked. I lean a bit more away. I'm not ready for that yet. He looks a bit downcast. "I've always thought you were a great student," he continues "you're driven and smart..." He trails off I can see his body shifting. I stiffen, he knows I want him. I will my body to slow down and stop blushing so heavily. He's close to me know, his lips are just away from brushing with mine. "You're doing great..." He says so softly that I barely heard him.
His lips are on mine now, I can feel the connection immidiately. Fuck this is strong, what is this? I've kissed men before, but this feels different. I want more of this, whatever this is. I'm not even sure how he got on top of me. The intensity is stronger now. I can feel his erection on my leg. I kiss him faster, I'm being greedy now. His hands start to explore my body. He slips a hand under my shirt and over my bra. I gasp. He messages my breast for a while, expertly with an overall rough needy touch. I can feel myself getting wet, my body loves this, I'm responding so quickly.
His fingers move down my body. He slips a finger inside me. I moan in pleasure as he starts pumping in and out of me rubbing my swollen sex. I can feel the pressure building up. He slips another finger. I moan again, I haven't felt like this ever. My orgasam takes me by surprise. I'd never cum from just fingers before. Fuck that was great.
"That's what I thought." He says out of breath next to me. I tilt my head. "You have no idea what you said do you?" He says to me. I shake my head. He leans in closer, inches from my face. I can see the fire and drive in his eyes. He tilts my chin so I'm looking directly at him.
"What did I say?" I ask him softly, afraid of the answer.
"You called me Sir."
Growing up I was told constantly that I needed to "soften" my personality. Be more "girly". Dress more "conservatively". Lose more weight. I was not enough for my mother. I think she wanted someone more quiet and feminine (whatever that meant). She wanted a daughter who did as she was told and never spoke her mind. My personality lead to us fighting and me distancing myself from her. I started to escape into books and fantasy worlds. The more I escaped the harder she held on. I was told that I couldn't talk about my passions or get too excited about anything. It left me feeling lost and confused. Why wasn't I enough? Were all of my interests stupid of wierd? Over the years my mental block grew. I told myself over and over that I was not good enough and being myself was unacceptable.
The emotional control statements happened almost every day. "Stop being so sad." "Don't be so angry theres nothing to be angry about." "Stop showing that you're annoyed, that's rude." "You're being too loud again, stop that." "You're so bossy stop that." "No boy will like that, this is why you're single." OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And then..."Why don't you tell me more?" "We are all going through things." "You can't do that." "You spend too much time in your own head." "Why don't you go out more?" "Why do you stay in your room?" "You're so quirky, try and tone it down."
Anyone who says my fmaily was trying to help, shut the fuck up. They were damaging me and despite me pleading with them to stop, it didn't. They rode my reactions off as being "dramatic" or "immature". Only contributing to my fragile self esteem, anxiety and eventual depression. I spent a year strict dieting and running constantly. The entire time suicidal and depressed.
Then Sir came into my life. I was allowed to be myself. For the first time in years I was allowed to be myself. I was suddenly allowed to be fragile, and strong when appropriate. I was allowed to express my interests without being judged. He wonders why I constantly apologize and self depricate. I wish he could have been there earlier. I wish he could have known that there was someone who actually thought I was a beautiful person. Whatever he wants, he shall have, because he's given me a beautiful gift...the ability to just be.
I have always had a difficult time accepting love. Sir tries so hard to help me feel loved and understood. I have a difficult time truly emersing myself and allowing myself to be who I truly am. Sir said he had a dream about me, where we were playing and I had a smile on my face even as I was tied up and completely helpless. Ever since he told me I have been questioning myself. I want so badly to be his perfect submissive.
I feel that I am holding myslef back, for fear of what accepting myslef means. Maybe I'm not ready to risk getting hurt. I know how badly it would hurt if Sir were ever to leave me. I don't like the idea that someone exisits that could hurt me that badly. I learned a long time ago not to take those kinds of risks. Here I am, afraid and paralyzed by it.
Sir always says how he admires my drive and ambition. I refuse to fall out of a routine while the world is going crazy. I honestly feel that it's helped my mnetal health and designating times to eat prevents me from overeating out of boredem. This is what's working for me;
7AM:Wake up
730AM:Workout
830AM:Breakfast and Shower
10AM-11AM: Productive Schoolwork
12PM: Lunch
1PM: Productive Schoolwork
2PM: Self Care/Makeup and Skincare time
3PM: Video Games
5PM: Dinner Prep
530(ish): Dinner
7PM: Relax/Movie
10PM: Lights Out
Hope this can help someone not lose thier mind <3
I'm sure everyone is feeling similarly, but it just feels like the world is falling apart. Thankfully, everyone I've seen has been so nice. Just remember guys, be kind to everyone around you, we are all in this together. Sir has been so great, I always feel so safe with him. <3
*In my own head all day*
~Random Disney song that reminds me of Sir~
~Constantly wondering how His day is~
~Constant repeating my mantra He gave me~
~More songs~
REALITY
~Random Disney song that reminds me of Sir~
~Constantly wondering how His day is~
~Constant repeating my mantra He gave me~
~More songs~
All the time. I think of him while I'm working, while im working out, and especially when I'm home alone. I think about the way he strokes my hair, the way he holds me when I'm sad, the way he tells me how I'm safe and loved. He keeps my happiness alive. I love him always. 💙