Faerie Fox Musings

That is how I have been described more than once. My reckless energy, shifting moods, vibrant appearance, wild enthusiasm inside small frame, behind my cat eye glasses, at an age where I should have learned to behave. I have always loved that description.

Today, however, it feels like lightning in the jar. Heat lighting, pent up energy with no where to go and nothing to do but pop and flash. Maybe it's my move, maybe it's the new job, maybe it's the cute girl flirting with me... but the lighting under my skin twitches.

I don't always have the best coping methods for dealing with life, I have gotten better, and I have learned a lot about how to avoid making really bad, really dangerous decisions. Doing something risky or daring after a stressful situation is part of how I feel with my emotions. So what do I do when I know a period of stress is coming? I do something safe that gives me the same sensations. 

Recently for example, holidays just wrapped up, budget is tight... these are rhings I knew were coming. So when a dear friend asked if I would go and get a piercing with her I did.  I had money set aside for whatever this and the clamps, the needle the remi see every to e I move are good. The anticipation of surprising a special someone (whole I haven' been able to see recently and who is struggling with there own life issues) is a positive bonus.

No I am not going to get a piercing every time the go if gets rough, but it is something that is helping me now, and it is muh healthier than my previous behaviors. When the weather is better I can go for runs until my lungs burn, I can go to the local lake and jump of the low bridge into cold water, I can do a lot more to get that feeling. In the winter it is harder so I went with the idea that had been rolling around in the back of my mind and I'm better for it.

I don't always have the best coping methods for dealing with life, I have gotten better, and I have learned a lot about how to avoid making really bad, really dangerous decisions. Doing something risky or daring after a stressful situation is part of how I feel with my emotions. So what do I do when I know a period of stress is coming? I do something safe that gives me the same sensations. 

Recently for example, holidays just wrapped up, budget is tight... these are rhings I knew were coming. So when a dear friend asked if I would go and get a piercing with her I did.  I had money set aside for whatever this and the clamps, the needle the remi see every to e I move are good. The anticipation of surprising a special someone (whole I haven' been able to see recently and who is struggling with there own life issues) is a positive bonus.

No I am not going to get a piercing every time the go if gets rough, but it is something that is helping me now, and it is muh healthier than my previous behaviors. When the weather is better I can go for runs until my lungs burn, I can go to the local lake and jump of the low bridge into cold water, I can do a lot more to get that feeling. In the winter it is harder so I went with the idea that had been rolling around in the back of my mind and I'm better for it.

So let me preface this story by saying I am very clearly a female. Got the body shape and the long hair ect ect

I also happen to live in canada and last week was -20°s (-4° F) and I work outside.

So here I am in the grocery store in my carhart suit, making me look pretty androgynous, warm hat and pink steel toes (yes I have bubble gum pink work boots). This fellow walked up behind me, I'm assuming saw my pink boots and decided that he needed to tell me I was a fag. I turned around and he was absolutey shocked that I was a chick. He got embarrassed a left but seriously, where do people get off talking to total stranger like that? I've been called a lot of names, but this was the first time I was called a 'fag. Geez people are weird.

Just a quick little laugh for you, my Top was coming down last Friday but wasn't going to get in till late. My mother had been away for business and wanted to grab dinner to catch up. I had plenty of time to do both and decided to have a little self 'foreplay' and wear my shinny new Ben wai balls out.

 Now up until recently I had a lovely soft pair of Silicon balls, but these gold colored ones were very appealing and I was looking for a heavier weight so in they went!

I could feel them on the drive to dinner, not uncomfortable but there. It was a nice warmup feeling until I was 2 steps away from our table and I felt one 'slip'... and here I am on a crowded restaurant in a long skirt snapping my legs together so I can sit down across from my mother who has no idea what's happening! She was very chatty about her wonderful trip and I was trying to descreetly deal with my 'situation'. My skirt to long to draw up, especially at the high booth, yet the ball really not where it belonged! 

I did manage to awkwardly waddle to the ladies room and remove them both... before realising I had no purse or pockets... so in the bra they went! And I spent the remainder of dinner trying not to jostle and clink them!!

So I recently had someone claim that my clinic depression was the reason I like weird shit. By weird they meant my 7 piercings, stretched ears, tattoos and dyed hair. Do I think any of that has to do with my depression? No. My ear piercing and gauges are a statement.  My nose stud was my reward for quiting a bad habit. My belly button ring was in celebration of leaving a really bad relationship. My tattoos are symbols and art I want to carry. My hair is how I feel at the time.

But it got me thinking, if these narrow minded little beans can't handle my outward appearance, they would just loose it if they knew about my 'deviant' lifestyle. I'm sure they would say a lot of it was to do with my depression. Or maybe it's the cause of it. But for me the 2 things are very separate. When I go into a depression it's like I'm being pulled under water. Everything is harder and slower and I just go numb. I don't care about much, I don't go see friends, I don't do any of my hobbies, going to work and caring for my pets saps  all the energy from me. It's not a time for me to go 'I really want to go play and have someone beat me' because it's simply to much work. Being part of the bdsm community (especially  on line) gives me new people to interact with so I don't totally shut down, it provides stimulating conversations on thinks that make me interested (a hard thing when I'm in that state). 

I am also hoping that it means when I start to come out of my next down(because there always is another one) I will have a better outlet. When I come out in start to feel again and it is overwhelming, I often self harm. I am interested in seeing if maybe this will provide an alternative to help ground me and make me physically present. One that doesn't leave permanent marks and make me sad all over again.

This is an issue that is totally perspective. I have a partner. I care deeply about said partner and want to keep them. They are willing to try new things and play with me, as long as I bring the ideas and am very clear (done to past baggage I'm greatfull)

My issue is, where is the line? The blurry little line that if crossed could compromise my current relationship. Just chatting about toys and ideas is good, but at what point is talking outing a scene to much? When I get emotional you invested? When the person I'm talking to is? 

For me any sort of online Ds relationship would be to far because I am in a monogamous relationship which means I'm dedicating all of my time and emotional energy to it. So even if it's not sexual to the other person it would feel inappropriate to me. So it is definitely a material if perspective, the other person may have little attachment.

As it is, I've had multiple offers of people willing to help me learn, online or in person, with the sedithay it will help me with my SO, but I can't help the nagging feeling that some of them just want to get some free play in. 

This might be just a me issue and my past baggage interrupting. It may be a real and legitimate concern. It is likely a bit of both.

I am new, I have a lot of questions, I question lots in my daily life as well. Some (well lots) of people find this a tich bit irritating 

I have always been drawn to.. odd things. Rough scenes with my barbies, tieing people up was a regular part of childhood games and my crushes were on the people who could pin me down when we were sparing/grappling.  As I got older I started to realize there was a cultural around these ideas but was very turned off by the images I saw. I thought for a long time my interstate pointed at something broken about me.

After a phase of no f&@*s given I looked again and was able to see where companion and personal growth came in.

So now I am trying to see what definitions fit with me, learning what I like, and looking for ideas to bring up with my current partner who is very open to whatever I want to try