I've been struggling emotionally a lot lately. I am not exactly sure why but I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. I had a Dom once upon a time, he had me journal a lot to try to get to the bottom of my why's and hows. Before we split he made it pretty clear that I needed to continue to write, that if was a very useful tool. Anyway somewhere along the years I quit maybe because I lost my private space and a lot of my inner most thoughts, well we wouldn't want to scare the normies now would we? ☺️😉 Sadists need not answer 😂
I feel like I maybe struggling because 2 years in I am struggling with being a lone. I spent most of those 2 years completely happy finding myself and working Tirelessly to experience what I never have, well not since I was 14, simply put not having anyone to fall back on. I think that I may have invested so much In serving so I wouldn't have so much time to think about me.
I think it stops me from focusing on the ugly parts of myself, the painful stuff. If I don't acknowledge those pieces of me, perhaps I can make them so they never were. (Aha that's it here the nitty gritty) So if I spend all my time serving another, I'm always kind and grateful and every piece of me belongs to you. Then all the ugly isn't my own. Every dark part of my soul I am no longer responsible for. Also I may add that all this time this part of me thinks because I am serving you and your needs and I never do for me, I am making up for all the dark by being selfless, Lord it's the most selfish because that's what I love to do, I can pretend I suffer an endure all the pain for my sadistic counter part but I absolutely love the misery.
Perhaps I'm so fucking empty because those pieces of me need fed, my soul is searching, longing for the darkness that I try so hard to hide away.