Where I feel kind of lonely.
Lately, I've been listening to, watching, and reading all sorts of different things, and it feels like they bring me into a past life somewhere where I had a story that wasn't just me trudging through life on my own. I find myself imagining that person I would like to have standing beside me and wondering if I hold my standards far too high for any human to feasably meet...if I just expect too much out of people without having the actual ability to reciprocate such bars.
Honestly, I wouldn't know. I've been told everything by people....that I'm crazy and should just stay away from everyone...that I'm gentle and not independent enough..that I'm even too dominant about things. Lord knows I can be all of the above, but I often wonder how much of it is really true. Are they seeing me for who I am? Is their perception of me accurate? Do I trust what everyone says about me just because it is coming from a place that isn't inside my own head?
I know I'm not worthless or ugly, though many have either said or insinuated such...I just wasn't quite right for that person, I always figured. Am I crazy? Yeah, probably a bit...but not the kind of crazy that you read stories about, surely. Right?
These are the things that roll through my 29 year-old brain, a mind filled with certain understandings about life that women my age probably shouldn't have...but I guess it's still beneficial to know.
My big self wishes for that person who can figure out how to place a hand on my shoulder and have me immediately understand the unsaid things behind it....someone that looks out for me and encourages me to continue pursuing dreams in life--someone that has their own ups and downs that I have the ability to comfort, in return, because they have given me that access to their heart and knowledge about themselves. Isn't that what anyone wishes for, though?
My little self wishes for someone who enjoys the silly coloring pages, the mild tantrums of tiredness, and the firmness of making someone they care about behave. She wishes for someone that will play with her and make her laugh, someone who will tuck her in and tell her that they love her just the way she is.
I often wonder if I am so judgemental that I can't look past the messy parts of other humans' lives and personalities and actually accept someone just for who they are. I'm afraid of when or if that time comes because I don't want to push the right person away unintentionally.
I'm just afraid of relationships, in general, I guess.