Secret Window

A sudden change in personality would typically be concerning (and I am concerned for the state of my mental health at this very moment for even considering this) but I figured I'd join in on the party.

It is wildly out of my comfort zone, but the picture is just obscure enough for it to be alright.

I took this photo a while back and had it on my profile for a blip in time, but now it's going back up ??

You may find it there should you wish ??

*Picture has since been removed*

What little, seemingly insignificant things bring you joy? What brings a smile to your face or lightens your heart that people don't typically give much consideration to?

I love to open up doors and windows and watch the breeze blow through the curtains.

I love the smell of the air just before it rains, in the spring as everything starts to bloom and the sun warms the ground, or in the summer when people are mowing the lawn and watering their flowers.

I love the sound of a child's laughter, uninhibited and pure.

I love to light a candle after I've finished cleaning, because a house never truly feels clean until the floors are vacuumed, the beds are made, and a candle is lit.

I love freshly washed linens just after they've come out of the dryer, warm and soft.

I love to observe people, especially when they're focused on a task or hobby they know well.

I love band t-shirts, when they grab the attention of others and I see their face light up with recognition or desire to share in their mutual enjoyment.

I love when people open up to me, having a deep heart-to-heart conversation or playful, witty banter.

I love the smell of books, my pets' foreheads, warm vanilla, cologne, leather, freshly baked cookies, and the smell of lemons that stays on my hands after I've juiced them.

I love going to the farmers market to buy fresh fruits and vegetables, or handmade soap.

I love watching animals run around when they get a burst of energy, or listening to the birds outside.

I love laying in bed and listening to music, putting all of my focus on the notes and nothing more, just to clear and recenter my mind.

I love the warmth of the sun, the bite of the cold, the sound of rain, and the flurry of snowfall.

I love sitting at the peak of a mountaintop, watching the world below in silence.

I love sitting on the bank of a creek or river, listening to the running water as my thoughts blessedly still.

I love being outside without shoes, reconnecting with the earth and grounding myself.

I love sitting down and listening to someone play an instrument or sing, hearing their emotions and feeling their passion.

I love the deep resonance of a cello, the soulful twang of a guitar, and the calming lull of a piano.

I love to have a vase of fresh flowers on the kitchen counter, and I love to dry and save the ones that previously provided me their beauty.

I love warm, incandescent strings of lights and old Christmas music.

I love the smell of a forest and the waterfront.

I love the gentle swaying of a hammock in the summer breeze.

I love sunsets - when they're a bright pink and purple, or a fiery orange and red.

I love the sound and smell of a crackling fire.

I love the feel of a purring cat laying on me, warm and content, and the silk of their fur.

I love my friends and family, the sound of their voice and the presence of their joy.

I love the world and all of the beautiful things it provides for us.

So, what do you love? What things delight your soul and set your heart at ease that are often taken for granted?

(inconsequential "woe is me" lies beyond this point -

enter if you dare ?)

To long for something you've never experienced, but to be wary or even terrified of receiving it, all within the same heartbeat.

The Germans likely have a word for it.

There are many things my heart calls out for; things that bring with them a longing so deep it oftentimes hurts. Things I've had at one point but have no longer. Things I've never had at all. Things I don't even feel I deserve.

I've never experienced what true intimacy feels like. To be connected with another person, open to their emotions and your own. To love someone and to be loved - not because you have to, not because you're family, but simply because. I've never experienced what it feels like to be surrounded by people who openly show their affection. My mother never hugged me except on the very rare occasion to apologize for something, and my dad has never been an outwardly affectionate person. 

Physical touch is something I've been deprived of my entire life. In some ways, I'm terrified of it - not only am I unused to it, but I don't want to subject someone to touching a body I can't even stand to look at.

Below that fear, however, lies a profound yearning. An aching need for so many things I'm scared of actually experiencing.

For someone to climb in bed behind me and hold me as we sleep.

For someone to braid or run their fingers through my hair as I sit at their feet, or let me play with theirs.

For someone to hold my hand when we're out in public.

For someone to hug me simply because they wanted to.

For someone to touch me whenever they want to, just because they want to.

For someone to lock their arms around me and not let go because they know we both need that comfort and security.

For someone to let me take care of them by cleaning their hands or holding them when they need comfort.

I want these things, and yet I can't imagine letting myself have them. I can talk the talk, but if somebody tried to get me to walk the walk, I'd bolt instead.

And then I think, "Do it regardless of my protest, knowing my longing and need outweigh my fear and insecurities. Knowing how stubborn I can be, and that I likely won't acquiesce in this situation despite wanting to."

But that would require an established relationship and a tremendous amount of trust, neither of which come easily.

I just wish it wasn't so hard - that accepting a basic human need didn't feel insurmountable. I wish the thought of being touched by someone didn't send my stomach into my throat and my heart to rain down like dust. I wish I had someone with the patience to teach me how to become comfortable with showing and receiving affection; I wish I was at a place to be able to accept that help.

I just... wish.

That's all... again ?

(I'm done now - promise. I got it out of my system. Probably.)

That's all ?

And oh, what a difficult question that can be to answer.

Some desire power, others fame and fortune.

"I want to be president!"

"I want to be an actor!"

"I want to be a quadruple bazillionaire!"

(Don't we all ??)

...Some just desire to be desired.

To be known is to be loved, and all I have ever desired is just that - to be known, and still be loved because of and despite it.

I make an effort to learn the people I care about because, to me, that is one way to express love. Not romantic love, but the most basic, pure, human-to-human soul-connection love.

I want you to know that I care. I want you to know how valued you are. I want you to know how much I cherish your presence in my life.

I want you to know that your existence on this Earth means something to someone.

To be known is to be loved, and I have never really felt known.

I've had friends who I loved with everything I had. I knew their favorite color, their favorite movie, the name of their childhood pet and every family member two generations back, their deepest fears, their greatest wish, and what they had for dinner three weeks ago.

They didn't even remember my birthday.

To be known is to be loved, so why doesn't anyone care enough to know me?

All I have ever wanted is to have someone in my life who knows me.

Who cares enough to have paid attention to what types of food I pick at a restaurant and could order something I'd like without my input.

Who knows how I like my tea and coffee, and took note that I almost always drink them iced.

Who can tell when I'm not feeling well because my smile looks ever-so-slightly different, and I haven't opened the curtains.

Who knows how I loathe making phone calls and will step in to do it for me when they can, just to spare me from such a horrid fate.

Who knows that my music taste changes depending on what mood I'm in.

Who knows that I long for someone to feel protective of me and not be reluctant to show it.

Who remembers my birthday.

I desire to be known. I desire to be shown that I matter to someone.

So now I ask - what do you desire?

Hellooooo ?
...is this thing on?

Boy howdy, has it been a hot minute since I've posted on here! Most of y'all probably don't even remember me ?
(Most of y'all didn't even know of me to begin with, but I already bought a fancy hat to wear for my pity party, so let's just roll with it.)

I just wanted to pop on and say hello to everyone - friends new and old, and those I have yet to meet.
How are you? How are the kids? Did Aunt Beth give you her brownie recipe yet?

The most pressing question of all - what on Earth have I missed? What is this elusive and mysterious Emoji Debacle of 2024 I've heard so much of nothing about?

That aside, I've regrettably lost contact with most everyone here during my... sabbatical? ? and simply wished to check in while I have a bit of free time.

I hope that everyone is doing well. May this new year ahead bring you all peace, love, adventure, and desires fulfilled ♡ 

Original post here

It's always so fun to learn about others, so thank you so much for this wonderful challenge ?

Fair warning: I have a very difficult time picking just one of anything. I simply can't do it - it's torturous to even try.

•My favourite childhood toy:

▪︎I used to have a red Game Boy Advance SP that I absolutely adored, and I also loved to play computer games like I Spy and Reader Rabbit. I didn't consider her a toy as I cherished her like a real baby, but I also had a doll named Noelle (this exact one). Some of my favorite things to actually "play" with, however, were things like VCR's and computers - stuff that I could take apart and try to put back together. I also loved getting little science experiment kits and would always find new ways to make things explode; when I was about 5, I asked my mom to buy me a pack of mentos and stole away to the basement with a bottle of her coke. She wasn't very happy with me that day.

•Favourite album:

▪︎Pretty much any album by Avenged Sevenfold, though I have a particular love for Nightmare. I also really like Thornstar by Lord of the Lost. My favorite childhood album was the soundtrack to Barbie's Princess and the Pauper - I still listen to it, if I'm being honest  =P

•Favourite childhood TV show:

▪︎Zaboomafoo, Dragon Tales, Forensic Files, SpongeBob, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Angry Beavers, Johnny Bravo, CatDog, Crashbox (does anyone else remember that show?), The Munsters, Laverne and Shirley, Goosebumps (Slappy absolutely terrified me as a kid, though. Fine with horror movies, never bothered me, but Slappy? Nuh-uh, no sir.)

▪︎A little tidbit going off of that: the other thing that scared me near to death as a kid was a little bear from a computer game, JumpStart Toddlers. Those soulless little beady eyes haunt my dreams to this day. I tried to throw the disk away on multiple occasions, I even tried hiding it in my brother's closet once, but my parents always found it. They still have it because, for some slightly twisted reason, they always thought that it was funny.

•First film at the cinema:

▪︎Saw is the first one I can remember at a whopping 3 years old; I went with my dad and we made a tradition of it, seeing every one of them in theater.

•First crush Celebrity and Personal:

▪︎Johnny Depp (from practically birth to present), and my middle school Humanities teacher ??

•Favourite animal:

▪︎Tigers and Wolves

•Favourite film:

▪︎Sweeney Todd, Cry-Baby, Labyrinth, Secret Window, Saw(s), Nightmare on Elm Street(s), Child's Play(s), A Night at the Roxbury, all of Jeff Dunham's specials, Shrek(s), Ice Age(s), The Princess Bride, The Hangover, Silent Hill, Monsters Inc, Corpse Bride, Me Myself and Irene... I'll stop there before more come to mind.

•First real contact with the Kink world:

▪︎I guess my first contact would be when I joined this site  =P

•Only one person to be left on an Island with for a year, without any technology:

▪︎Does it have to be someone I already know? If not, then I'd of course say my soulmate (or whatever variation of the term is preferred; my "one"). If yes (assuming it's a Cast Away situation), then I would be tempted to say my brother. We drive each other a bit nuts at times, but he's really strong and handy, so he could be the body and I could be the brains.

▪︎That was a Nightmare on Elm Street reference, by the way. Only a joke. I'd of course be both the body and the brains.

**I have had this sitting in my drafts for about two weeks now (though I edited it a tiny bit today to make it current) but hadn't wanted to post it. If ever there is a time, it would probably be now. Apologies for this being way more than 5 things. Whoopsie**

One thing that I have always been good at in life is picking out my flaws and imperfections; I see everything that I dislike about myself (physically, mentally, emotionally) but have never pointed out things that I like about myself. Reason being, I really can't think of anything.

There is not one thing about myself that I can truly say I love. There are things that I can convince myself I like or value, but nothing that I love. I can't remember the last time I felt love for myself. 

This is a big part of why I'm so adamant on not looking for a relationship right now - I can not and do not expect another person to fix me, to love me when I don't even love myself. A partner should always be there to help and support, but they are not (in my opinion) a therapist. It's not their job to heal me. I refuse to give myself over to another person, broken and in pieces, and make it their responsibility to mend me. I want to be as close to my best self as I can get on my own before I give myself to another, because they will deserve nothing less than that. I want to put all of my effort and love, my everything, into my partner; I can't do that if I'm desperately trying to fix myself at the same time.

Something that I have really been trying to work on recently is finding love for myself, finding positive traits about myself, and becoming more confident in myself. I fixate on my bad traits, but I have a terrible time even finding any positive ones. I am making an effort to change that. I am making an effort to be more open and in touch with my emotions. I am making an effort to acknowledge both bad and good traits, because I can't try to better my flaws if I start to only focus on the positive. There always needs to be balance.

I'm writing this not only to be more open, but to hold myself accountable as well. If it's written down and seen by others (even though nobody is going to bother reading all of this - totally understandable), then I darn well better stick to my word, right?

Some of my "perceived" negative traits:

• I am incredibly insecure in all things
• I have fairly bad anxiety, though I have learned how to control a lot of it in the moment. I've also learned how to talk myself down from anxiety attacks for the most part (they're silent, people often dont notice when I'm having one, so that was kind of a necessity, haha!)
• I'm very introverted, which can be a bad combination with anxiety. I have a lot of trouble simply talking to other people on the phone (even texting) and, unless I know them well and have become comfortable with them, will avoid it at all cost.
• I am painfully shy, awkward, and socially inept. I also have no clue how to act around somebody I like, nor have I ever had the courage to tell said person how I feel; I've lost contact with people that I truly cared about because of it, and have regretted it ever since. 
• I have more chunk than a chocolate cookie. I've always longed to be short, cute, thin, and petite - in reality, I'm built more like an extra-wide receiver.
• I am a listener and observer above all else, so I find it difficult to have written conversations with people only because I have to come up with something to say in response - it always sounds awkward and/or self centered, without fail. People can't tell that I'm simply enjoying listening and learning over a message, so obviously I have to respond with something! I am an incredibly curious person, always love to learn, and have questions I'd like to ask people; I try not to do that, because even though I greatly appreciate and value people's answers, the only response that I can ever think of is "That's so interesting to learn! Thank you for telling me!" It's annoying even to my own ears ?
• I can be a very jealous and territorial person; traits that are incredibly desirable (to me) in a partner, but entirely unattractive in myself
• I feel too much. It can be a good thing, but I experience a lot of pain most of the time, which becomes... something that makes it easier to detach from my emotions
• Math. Nough said.
• I am really uncomfortable with expressing femininity - something that I seriously need to work on considering that I am, in fact, a female.
• I become attached to people very easily, and find it nearly impossible to let go of them if need be (not in a creepy stalker nutball way, but emotionally)
• I am quite uncomfortable with and unused to intimacy at the moment. I am clueless as to how to respond to it and feel entirely out of my depth.
• Oh, you flirted with me? 99.9% chance I had no clue. ...sorry
• I am absolutely horrible at trying to condense my thoughts and not write entire books every time I have something to say, which is odd considering that, in my everyday life, I don't actually speak anywhere near that much ?

My "perceived" positive traits:

• I can love with my entire being. I have never been in love, but once I am, I highly doubt that I will ever have a desire to take back ownership of my heart, for it will no longer be my own
• I am fiercely loyal and devoted to friends/loved ones
• I will always try to share in the interests of people I care about, even if I'd previously had no interest in it myself. If you like a game, I'll play it with you. If you like a show or movie, I'll watch it too (by the way, if by any chance you're reading this, that catapulting cow made me laugh harder than I have in a good while)
• I can empathize with people, and I (if it is welcomed) will always try to make somebody feel at least a little bit better. If you're happy, I'll be happy with you. If you're in pain, I will sit with you and listen to whatever you need to talk about; if you don't want me to respond or try to ease your hurt, I will absolutely respect that. I completely understand that people just need to vent sometimes.
• I've made it one of my goals in life to never be a liar; I grew up with a pathological liar and I R.E.F.U.S.E. to become that. I loathe it.
• I will never break somebody's trust that they have placed in me; even if you're a stranger to me, I will not betray that (providing they didn't ask me to cover up a murder or something. If you're a loved one, however, we might be able to talk. Meet me in the park at midnight. Bring a shovel.)
• I'm not a murderer.
• Some might say that I have a sense of humor
• Others might say that I need therapy
• I can throw in a music, show, or movie reference pretty much anywhere. Most people never understand them.
• My blog before last had 3 whole Donnie Darko references in it. Nobody noticed them.
• I am a dingity darn good cook, if I do say so myself
• I don't know if this is a positive or negative trait, but I tend to pick up a few mannerisms of people that I've talked to for a while, though I'm not sure why
• I am very lighthearted about most things, go with the flow, and almost always stay calm. It's not very easy to get me upset, and if you've somehow managed to get me truly ANGRY... it must be a talent of yours
• I'm not afraid to speak my thoughts, have my own opinions/beliefs, or speak up for somebody I care about/something I believe in. I'm quiet and shy, but I am not timid nor a pushover - I have a voice, and I will use it if need arises. 
• I am always down and delighted to play a game with somebody - be it board games, video games, card games, whatever. I just love the interaction, and it has always felt... intimate to me, in a special way.
• Once again, I am an observer/listener, meaning I can sometimes notice things about somebody that other people don't tend to. Among other things, this can help me to change how I might do something so that it is better suited to that person. For instance - my sister-in-law loves when I make food for her, but I noticed that she always ate around mushrooms (even though she never said anything to me), so I stopped using them when making something for her. A stupid example, but it helps to explain what I mean
• I will always be there for the people that I care(d) about; even if we haven't talked in years and went our own way, my door will always be open for them with a mug of warm tea on the table
• I am working on bettering myself, no matter how hard that may be. This blog is but one of many steps on that journey.

"If you believe in yourself,

with a tiny pinch of magic all your dreams can come true!"

Would you consider yourself to be leaning more towards left brained, right brained, or a pretty even balance of both?

Also, would you consider yourself to be more of a dominant personality, submissive personality, or a pretty even balance of both?

I'm curious to see if there is a correlation between the two ?

? Left Brain

The left-side of the brain is considered to be adept at tasks that involve logic, language, and analytical thinking. The left-brain is described as being better at:

• Language
• Logic
• Critical thinking
• Numbers
• Reasoning

Right Brain ?

According to the left-brain, right-brain dominance theory, the right side of the brain is best at expressive and creative tasks. Some of the abilities popularly associated with the right side of the brain include:

• Recognizing faces
• Expressing emotions
• Creating music
• Reading emotions
• Appreciating color
• Using imagination
• Being intuitive
• Being creative

(Definitions and further explanation found here)